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A Week Of Two Halves

PaulH85

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Hi everyone! smile.png

Given that I was asked to create a blog, assured that not having much to say - or only having negative things to say, as the case may be - didn't actually matter, here's a blog.

Despite not having much to say, I kind of felt like there's been a lot going on in my head this week and it's starting to bother me. Every now and again, stuff seems to build up and I don't leave much space to actually think properly. I feel like now is one of those occasions and, with nobody around to vent to, I figured I'd write it here. Need to put this stuff somewhere and it's probably best that I send it out into cyberspace and let it go.

Come tomorrow, I'll have been taking Doxycycline for my acne for three weeks. I've had two and half weeks of good skin. The last few days haven't been very good at all. I've always known that I was on a knife edge where my emotions in relation to my acne was concerned and the last few days have confirmed that. Having broken out on the left of my face, the right of my face and on my nose, I freaked out and made it so much worse. I also went looking for other things to pick at and essentially undid all the progress of those first two weeks in about five minutes flat. Sometimes, I really do hate myself for responding to my acne like this.

Today was my Mum's 50th Birthday and we had a party with the family at our house. I tried to stay out of the way as much as possible. Although my family love me, and I them, I wouldn't say that I'm especially connected to my elders; the ones I would go to for support and advice; the ones with more life experience who know things. Fact is, no matter how much experience they have, not one of them has ever suffered acne and every one of them has always gone to great lengths to point out that I "didn't get a face like that" from them. Kind of sucks really, I can't even remember when I last felt like I was really a valued part of the family. Can't really remember when I last felt like a valued part of anything... Plus, these days, I only end up fielding awkward questions about why I got fired from my job. Seems everyone has an opinion and everyone knows best. I just end up sitting there and taking it. Pretty lame really.

Feelings like this always seem to kick in after something good happens. I'd enjoyed the first half of the week, my skin was good, I was feeling happier, and I'd had a great response from local media about some pictures I took at a Katy Perry concert on Wednesday: http://s1105.photobu...mview=slideshow

But then my insecurities and self doubt kick in and I start to think that whatever I'd done wasn't very good and that it represents something I rarely do because I can hardly ever bring myself to go out and enjoy these things. It's almost as if my mind fights against me and pulls me back as soon as it notices that I'm feeling good.

I guess I'll call it a night, perhaps best not to keep this one-man-pity-party going for too long. But, as self-involved as it may be, I've let it out now so I'll try and move on. Here's to some positive future blog entries! smile.png



7 Comments


Awww Paul, welcome to the distinguished world of blogs :)

Sounds like you've dug yourself a little hole this week, but having down days are natural enough. I'm sure many of us who read your blog entry will understand and relate to some parts.

Do you know the part that I relate to? Katy Perry. But only from the view point that I'm in love with her husband.... All the other stuff you mentioned? Yeah, can't relate to at all.... And I know that you know that I'm kidding (but just wanted to make sure!).

xxx

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...just 2days in my new regimen which my dermatologist has given.... also on Doxycycline.......... hope we succeed!

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YAY well done Paul, I can tell you that it does help putting it down here, do you know i have pep talked myself to get out the house just while blogging hehe,it is theraputic :) i too am having an emo week and stand amazed at how quickly ones face can break out yet how long it takes to heal :/ chin up , we are here for u...

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Aww, thank you. smile.png I have got a site, although once I got it up and running, I couldn't afford to upgrade it so I haven't been able to put anything on there for a while. Have got a few random things on there though, as well as examples of a few bands I've taken pictures of. http://www.photo85.co.uk

I mainly just post stuff on Facebook these days, I need to have a go at getting the site up and running I think, see if I can push myself to do more and start working with people.

I know it's stupid, but it all comes down to confidence and getting out there. It always seems to come back to my skin and how I feel about it - if I plan something or arrange to shoot with someone, I hate the thought that if my skin's bad or if I'm not feeling so good about myself, I'd want to cancel. I've cancelled so many things before over the years or made excuses and I hate doing that. If I really want to get the photography happening, I need to be out and making contacts and selling myself all the time and I just can't seem to do it. I don't really think of my pictures as being anything special or whatever, it's just something I enjoy. In fact, that was how I knew earlier this year that I was starting to get depressed because I was so down on my photography and wasn't enjoying it anymore. When I stopped getting pleasure from the things I had enjoyed and was looking at my pictures negatively and using it as just another way to put myself down, I knew I had some stuff to work out.

The weather's turned cold and horrible here these last few weeks, but I did pick the camera up again and went out in September a couple of times to shoot a few things. I wandered around a few local parks and things, and a cemetery. One of those shots was actually published in the local newspaper which was nice.

I've got those albums on Facebook if you'd like to see. These two links should work:

http://www.facebook....=1&l=9f30179460

http://www.facebook....=1&l=8ba664e894

They might ask you to log in but if it does, you should just be able to cancel that and keep looking through the pictures. If you happen to be on Facebook, you're more than welcome to add me and look at the rest of the albums I have there. smile.png

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I remember once at my grandparent's house I was speaking on behalf of my skin, trying to sound optimistic in response to some gentle prodding about the subject from my grandma when my grandpa kind of nodded his head and chuckled, saying "you think your skin will ever be porcelain?" His tone was borderline incredulous. Any time a family member says something like that it doesn't leave my subconscious. Just like anything people say that hurts me. It plays in the back of my head like a broken record.

Sidenote: Your photos are spectacular and I think you deserve to feel proud of them. I know what you mean about not feeling proud of them immediately after. My friend did a photoshoot of me/also did my makeup and I adore looking at good photos of myself which I'm allowed to play with/use Photoshop on (spot healing brush tool for the win). At first I liked them but when I looked at myself wearing thigh highs and wayyy too much makeup I decided they looked trashy. Same with art or even hand-written journal entries/poems. Immediate pride followed by self-criticizing, you look at them two weeks later still not sure how you feel about them, find them in a box half a year later after forgetting about them thinking "Wow, I'm a genius. If only I did more of this..." like you aren't in your prime or something.

Anyway, you're a nice guy, Paul. Feel good for yourself you have every reason to!

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