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It's been such a lovely fall weekend here. Honestly, I can't complain. My husband and I have been taking it easy. Lots of hot tea. A long walk to our favorite pizza/salad shop. Perfume shopping. I love spending time with him and literally cherish every moment now that he's in medical school!

On the skin front- it's pretty meh. My skin hasn't worsened, but it hasn't gotten noticeably better. I'm still embarrassed by the army of red spots on my temples, forehead, and chin. Nothing makes me feel smaller or less capable.

I want to talk about something that occurred to me today while driving around town, and that is the idea of betrayal. I honestly feel completely betrayed by my body and my skin- like my skin and body actively work against my every effort to be my best version of myself. Do you ever feel that way? Like you have no control over the way you look, and like your skin is betraying you by looking like it does? It's aggravating. I'm not dirty, unhealthy, or fifteen years old, but my skin deceptively makes it look that way.... I also swear I used to be pretty! Sometimes my skin feels like a giant mask of ugly.

Anyway, that's just something that popped into my head as a way to describe how my now-constant battle with acne makes me feel. Enjoy the rest of your weekend! Hope you spend it with someone special, who doesn't mind your spots and lets you know how beautiful you are inside and out :)


Sounds like a good day. Really nice what you said about spending time with your husband, too. That's very special so you're right to cherish those moments. I imagine having someone there like that can really help if there are times when you're feeling unsure about your skin?

That's an interesting way to describe things with your skin, Sarah. I wouldn't say I've ever thought of it as betrayal, but I see where you're coming from.

I've certainly been angry at my body for 13 years because I feel like it's working against me. I'm simply not strong enough to go about my business, enjoy my life and make the most of it as long as I'm unhappy with my skin. I've never got pat the mentality that if I don't like what I see in the mirror then nobody else would like me either and that's only ever as far as I get. The more people tell me I'm wrong, the more it brings me down because I know I'm so out of touch with what's going on and so far away from where I'd need to be in order to be happy, and there's nobody around me to bring me out of this. That part really sucks.

I think it's mainly frustration I feel, and confusion. Confused as to why my body is doing this and frustration that I don't know the answer. Then when you add the potential responses and reactions from others; like you say, perhaps being seen as unclean of having teenage-like skin, it's just so damaging to ones self esteem.

Still, suppose we can only carry on and hope it eventually gets bored or something and goes away. :)

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Hey Sarah,

I haven't thought of my body betraying me, but genetics lol. Both my parents had acne when they were younger, and a few of my cousins who are in their late 20's and 30's STILL battle with acne. Ugh. My mom is now 60? 61? lol and even up to a few years ago she would get an odd zit around her mouth or forehead.....omg. So does that mean I'm looking to have acne for the next 40 years!!!!???!?!?! lol

Of course, our skin and looks always look worse to us than other people. I joked with my boyfriend one time about being the "acne queen" after he made a comment he had ONE pimple that day, and he just looked at me like, "what are you talking about?" And I don't think he was trying to be nice lol, I really think he thought I was being too hard on myself or just simply crazy. It was the same kind of look people used to give me when I said I had acne scars and bad acne. They just looked at my like I was crazy. And to tell you the truth, I totally was. I only had maybe 4 zits at the most at any one time, but most of the time it was maybe just one. And I considered this BAD. Now, I would be so grateful to have the relatively scar-free skin I had in high school. :(

So, are you still going without makeup or wearing it? I haven't worn face makeup in the last 3 days, and I don't plan on wearing it today...and I'm going to church lol. This is HUGE for me, but you know what? I feel free. And my acne has considerably gone down since I stopped wearing it.

Anyways, thanks for sharing this blog. I'm sooooooooo blessed and grateful to have found this site, and learned everything about what to do, what not to do. Nearly my whole regimen and approach to my skin has changed because of the tips and insight and other's experiences on this board. Thank goodness there is a support system like this. So have a great day Sarah! Cherish those moments :)

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@Paul - you're exactly right. the confusion at why it's happening is huge... as is the hope that one day it'll "get bored" ;)

@y3rfd0g - haha I am totally screwed when it comes to genetics, too! my dad had awful awful acne in his early twenties and my mom's skin problems are milder (she just has really sensitive skin) but have extended all the way into her forties. I'm not wearing makeup because I never really learned how! I'm so bad at applying it that it makes my skin look worse... plus, it definitely feels worse to cover it up instead of letting it breathe. anywho, I'm super thankful for this board, too, and a way to record thoughts/feelings that I otherwise wouldn't share :)

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