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gaingingcontrol

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So, let me start off by saying I am the luckiest person in the world and I still keep pressing my luck. I was an absolute idiot. One week before my brother's wedding, I picked my arms so bad. For no reason at all! I spent the entire week dreading the strapless dress. Dreading walking down the aisle. I ended up not looking too terrible (didn't look great either) but it ended up being fine, with some makeup on it. But that doesn't take back the fact that I sulked the entire week and stressed and did not enjoy things to the fullest. I spent more money that I didnt have to buy clothes that would cover my arms. I was stressed about my long distance fiance coming to visit. I didn't full enjoy having him here. That's how my life has been for the past 10+ years. I enjoy things but I am not living to my fullest. There is always that one thing (my face, back, etc) holding me back. It has to stop!

Now, the focus is on me for my wedding in 290 days. That is plenty of time to get my skin into a state that I am pleased with. But, I am going about it all wrong. I am spending way too much money trying to find a miracle product that doesn't exist. I think I have decided that I should take that money that I am spending for products and invest it in something good for my mind. I need to do yoga, focus on church and just try to be a better person. Instead of spending $90 on a vitamin A cream that breaks me out more. I am an idiot.

Well, that's enough with the self deprication. I am not an idiot. I have a mental problem. I have OCD tendencies and major anxiety issues. I feel this constant need to get my pores clean. It's an obsessive thought that never leaves me. If I get the junk out of my pores, then I can shrink the pore and it will never get clogged again. Wrong. Picking and scrubbing and scratching at whiteheads, blackheads and what not has NEVER helped. Why can't I get that through my head?

So, my plan is to stop focusing on my face. Stop with the buying new products. I will use what I have now. I mean I have a wedding to save for, spending my entire paychecks on my skin is ridiculous.

I have accepted that my skin will not be perfect. But, I can be "perfect" in other ways. I will focus on making my curly hair healthy and pretty. And dressing nicer so I feel more confident. Matching my clothes, accessoring more. And there is no need to buy more clothes, because I have enough! Just a matter of wearing them differently.

I am praying that this is the last time I will say "this is it." God, I hope this is it. I have so much going for me, but I obsess about everything going wrong. I am going to obsess about everything going right for me. Here's the two lists:

What's wrong

-fiance is away

-face is a mess

-shoulders are a mess

-don't know what to do for a career/grad school

-not enough money for a wedding

-work sucks

-have to go to Michelle's wedding alone

What's right

-I have a wonderful fiance who cares about me more than anything

-I am going to have a beautiful wedding

-I am going on a wonderful honeymoon

-my skin can heal and I have time to make it heal before the wedding, if I STOP PICKING it

-I have too many options for grad school/work and other people have none

-I have amazing parents who would die for me and they want to help pay for the wedding

-Being alone for the wedding is a matter of my confidence. I will go alone and have fun and if I feel wierd, I'll leave. No harm done, life goes on

-I have made good connections at work with people, despite rude people

The right definitely outnumbers the wrong. I need to change my state of mind. I need to get my mind healthy and the body will follow. So, I will not call myself an idiot anymore. I am just not well, but I can get myself well. Positivity is the new mindset.

Ultimately, why am I here on Earth? I want to help people. One person, many people, it doesn't matter. I just want to help someone. I want to be a good, loving wife and take care of my husband and start a good home and raise good kids and be a good mother. I want people to like being around me because they know I am a kind, sweet person. If I am focusing on my face for the rest of my life, this won't happen. I want to live life to the fullest!



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