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Day 316. Nearly 3 months post-accutane

goldmund18

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I've been apathetic updating this blog and started off so keen to write frequently, but failed to sustain enthusiasm. Anyway, update on my skin: looking pretty good, contented where I am right now, though still ghostly pale with lightly red stained cheeks, distinct faint markings signifying the remnants of the past volcanic patches that inhabited my cheeks and neck. On my neck I've got really noticeable red markings where I had big coin sized cysts inhabiting the side of my neck. Though I may moan and whimper dejected at the fact my mirror doesn't reflect an Adonis when I consciously stand in front of it I console myself with the thought that I'm not a vapid, humourless cretin but a person who has some opinions.

I was staring at my reflection for an inappropriate amount of time today. As I attempted to avoid all mirrors and shiny reflective surfaces in public and private, when I would be dejected and zapped of confidence if I but caught a glimpse of what was in my mind a monstrous apparition that was popped on my neck, conditioned myself to not fixate eyes with my reflection for longer than I would with a stranger. This remarkably has helped me get by. But today I felt was time for a close examination of progress, which has done little for my confidence; though I did look at myself in the harshest possible light which I suppose at the beginning of the Summer still would have made me itchy and yet found bearable today, so there has been some progress, I guess.

Been feeling rotten for weeks now as well, suffering from a relentless cold. But it's not all bad in my life. Good news--I got into University to study English and will be off from home in less than a couple weeks! Though there are momentary lapses in my confidence I feel that I've an abundance of confidence to settle in, and on reflection feel very good to be starting now as I feel my mind is at peace just enough during the day to get by, to persevere.

I've ruminated on whether I've gained anything positive from this roller-coater of hysteria, as I described it, and think can sincerely say yes. Recently through light philosophic bite-sized reflection I've come to the conclusion that enduring and satisfying confidence the truest definition of confidence is to have confidence in your beliefs. To discover indubitable truths and be able to rationally defend your claims of their certainty, to know thyself, to be able to look into the darkest corners of your own soul, examine your values is the key to confidence. Through feeling hideous I've ironically become more confident in myself, as I grew increasingly contemptuous of the superficial which surrounded me my thoughts naturally turned inwards and I focussed more on my insides, because it really is what's inside your head, that squidgy pink fleshy organ between your ears that is essentially the most pleasurable organ and useful.

Lots of love. X



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