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Accutane Day 44



Pill #44 Tonight.

Still look awful. I must say though, popping the zits really helps. At least, it makes me feel better as if I have some control over my uncontrollable face. All the popped zits are scabbing up nicely and flaking off. And I really prefer this to some massive, painful red bump. Call me crazy.

Anyhow, I developed a big cyst on my right jawline and a few new whiteheads on my left cheek and my left temple. I popped them all, I admit.

I've been trying to stay on the mineral makeup this week, but today I cracked and went back to my more intense coverup (Tarte Tinted Moisturizer and Lancome Concealer). The mineral makeup coverage was not great and it came right off in the water when I went swimming at the beach.

So, current status: 6 popped zits healing across my forehead, 1 large popped zit on my left temple, an uncountable number of popped zits on the apple of my left cheek and in a cluster near my chin where the little white bumps used to be, numerous popped zits along my right jawline, on the apple of my right cheek and near my right ear. T-zone remains shine-free and clear (the two zits that emerged on my upper lip during my period have cleared up nicely). Blackheads largely gone, but pores still huge and skin still feels rough. At least white gunk no longer comes out when I squeeze areas of the T-zone.

My acne brought me to tears last night. I just look so bad. And it made me so depressed to see so little progress even though I've had to bear so many nasty side effects. I kept thinking, "why me? What have I done to deserve this?" No one in my family has had acne, my siblings don't have acne, I lead a healthy lifestyle, and no other part of my body is affected, just my face. Why?!!!!" It's not fair. And it's not fair because I cannot be myself. I have to hide and envy other girls with beautiful skin. And the worst is that no one understands. My parents think I'm being lazy when I don't want to go anywhere, when I just want to stay home and not wear makeup. They'll say things like, "your skin is fine, no one cares, let's go," and it's so hurtful because it's not fine with me that I'm ugly.

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Same here, I'm the only one in my family who has acne and a few small scars. But I'm a guy so the scars are more or less acceptable compared to if I were a girl. I've also asked myself everyday why am I the only who has it when my siblings have the same blood running through their veins. On the other hand my brother has moles on his face thats like permanent acne for me! I don't have any moles at all so in a way I'd rather have acne. I'm also getting better since I started cutting out all dairy, sugar, nuts and chocolate.

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