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going slowly mad



I need to get this off my chest.

I swear I have just lost it mentally and emotionally.

I have had 2 friends comment on how my skin is improving, however I just feel like its getting worse. I have got obsessed, to the point I have barely been able to leave my house and I check my face ever 5 minutes.

Pores that are clogged I attack, that you can't even see or notice and I feel like my pre acne days I probably would have never noticed. But now I do. And I just get so depressed over every imperfection. Its taking over my life, this complete madness to do with my skin. I added up how much I have spent, its over £400, and I am going to a cosmetic dermatologist this friday which will cost me a fortune. But I just feel desperate to get my skin back, my confidence has gone completely. I can't even see friends of family as I feel so small and pathetic with my acne. So if it causes me debt, I feel it is worth it. Throughout my anorexia I was always very happy with my skin, it was the one thing that I liked about myself. Now I feel like I have nothing.

And it has impacted my eating disorder a great deal, and I truely think I would be nearly recovered by now if I didn't have acne. It has caused me an intense fear of food, due to its supposed correlation with acne. I have been reduced to tears every meal time, and I bought a salad today and I just had the biggest panic attack because it had mayo. And to think I had just begun to enjoy cake- something I haven't been able to do since I was 8- which is major, and it was stolen from me and put me 10 steps back because of a stupid skin condition.

Its got pretty bad and I've lost quite a bit of weight and the doctors are threatening inpatient if it continues and have told me to cancel my travelling plans this monday.

I feel like acne has impacted my life in every way, it really is soul destroying and something no one else can understand.

I honestly feel hopeless and equally selfish for letting this effect me.

I am not dying. I am alive. I am going travelling. Doing a PhD. I have great friends and family.

But still I feel like giving up, curling up in bed and disappearing.


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