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KAZ2Y5's Blog

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Day 93... on to month four! A long emotional rant ahead.



It's going to be harder to keep track of the days because my derm upped my dose this month. I've been on 40 mg/day for the past three months. Now I'm going to be alternating 40 mg/day and 80 mg/day for the next two months since I'm still breaking out and my side effects are almost nonexistent at this point.

One little snafu, though: the pharmacy could only give me 40 pills (at 40 mg each) since the max they can legally dispense is 45, and they can't break packs of pills (10 in a pack). Soooo instead of getting 50 like my derm wrote, I got 40 and will be 5 pills short for the month. No biggie I guess. I don't think the extra 10 pills this month will have much of an effect on anything, to be honest. I'll just let my derm know at my next appointment and she can decide where to go from there.

I am feeling so amazing lately, though. I've been incredibly lucky these past few weeks and have been loving life. My skin isn't 100 (or even 90) percent clear but at least I don't feel like a freak 24/7!!!! Even one of my supervisors at work noticed a change in my attitude and says I've been smiling non-stop for the past month. I didn't even REALIZE until now just how self-conscious I was with cystic acne. It's been gradual, but now I carry myself completely differently. I walk taller, I smile, I talk to people so easily. I used to be terrified of striking up a conversation with a stranger for fear of being judged harshly. But just a couple days ago I nearly gave a guy my number! We had struck up a conversation at a store he worked in; I left with a few friends to go shop some more, and while I was in another store I started thinking about it. The guy was cute. He was friendly and interesting. What harm was there in giving him my number? So I wrote it down on a piece of paper and shoved it in my pocket, planning on swinging by his store again and just handing it to him (and my friends would have been floored, as this is something I've never done). Alas, the mall closed before I even realized it, and he was gone before I returned.

Oh well. There's always next week. :wall:

Clear(er) skin is improving every single aspect of my life. I had a phone interview for a job a few days ago; I feel like I aced it because I wasn't afraid that they would like me so much to call me in for an in-person interview. Imagine that. I'm not proud to admit it, but I can finally say it: I used to sabotage my own career path because I was afraid of meeting people in person. I was afraid they'd see me as a teenager (because everyone knows that only teenagers get pimples :think: ). I was afraid they'd judge me on my looks... and studies DO show that people DO give favorable judgment to attractive people. And guys, acne is not attractive.

I feel like I can finally be the ME who's been too afraid to come out. I'm definitely not perfect, but at least I don't have to hide any more.

And all of this change in only four months... the only question I can ask myself is why didn't I do this years ago?!


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