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I have not been here in a while but I've taken it upon myself this year to just truly fix everything I ever wanted about myself. One of these areas of progress is my acne. There hasn't been much progress at all, I'd have to say that the ampicillin and everything I've been taking from almost 2 years before has stabilized my acne, but there is still acne.

Last week I went to the dermatologist's and he said I still have acne, after what I just thought were blemishes. My self-perception has been distorted because I haven't seen myself with clear skin for over a decade. I don't remember what it was like to have clear skin, and I don't think that at the time when I did have clear skin (as a child) that it was something I was taking for granted or was even aware of. Skin was skin and I was just a kid.

Now I am 22 and this has been an exciting year for me because I am now sitting beside a paperbag from the pharmacy that contains BCP and Accutane. I was prescribed both these things on my last visit, and tomorrow morning I am going in because I have some questions that I need answered before I start what could be the beginning of the end (I hope!).

I have done so much research, and I *just* finished looking at before and after pictures of people on Accutane, so now I'm of course so eager to start my treatment. Initially I had a very bad feeling about this medication because of the warnings and cautions and dangers and insane side effects of this medication. But I find that depending on what I read about this medication, that is how I feel at the time. So now that I've seen pictures of pizza faces whose faces are now perfect, I of course feel so good about taking Accutane now. When I do research about side effects and stuff like that then I get apprehensive. I believe I can handle the dry skin side effects, however it's the emotional stuff like depression and suicide that really has my eyebrows raised because I know I can be psychotic (especially around the time of my period).

I'm thinking the questions I have for tomorow's appointment are legitimate concerns to me and that this will really put my mind to rest about starting this whole process. I already took some pictures today of my 'before' face lol, but also in addition I took pictures of my hair too because I'm starting this spray which will lighten my hair. I really would like my hair to be nice and lighter because it feels as if it went really dark and brassy since last year. Considering Accutane will make me want to be indoors all summer I need to somehow get the benefits of sun shining on my hair, so I guess taking this spray is a better and safer alternative (I hope).

Right now I feel so good about starting Accutane. I can't wait to have my before and after pictures, and I really can't wait to just have a face that doesn't have to hide behind powder.

Now when I look in the mirror I just tell myself that soon the acne will be all over and that I will eventually look in the mirror and see clear skin one day. I know that all of this takes time, but seeing the before and after pictures really helped and I now know I should really have patience with this medication.

It is the beginning of May and I feel like it's the perfect time to take my Accutane because I'll be taking summer school and if I break out into cystic acne (before it improves) I feel like I'll be able to deal with that on a smaller level, as compared with regular school that would make me feel so self-conscious. Right now I wear a hat and big sunglasses if I want to go anywhere. I even where all this stuff indoors. Some days where I feel like my acne is really bad I'll just leave my sunglasses on all day, regardless of where I am. I have found that I have started to wear a lot of fancy clothes and put more time into my outfit. One reason is that it builds a distraction around my face.

I know they say that "seeing is believing" but seeing my acne doesn't make me believe I'm a good person, and I'd really like to match what's on the inside with what's on the outside.

Well, I can't wait to start. I am happy to be aware of all the side effects beforehand as I feel like I'm prepared for what I'll be going through. I am so happy that this stuff really looks like it will work. And if it does work, then it will be the first time in over a decade that I will see myself with clear skin. So really if you think about it, it will be the first time in my life.

I am looking forward to many firsts to come my way in life, no matter how big or small, or how short or long I have to wait! :think:


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