Normally through my days, I just look in the mirror, do the regimen, and don't obsess over the big red marks on my cheeks. I've been used to not wearing makeup for the last 3-4 weeks, which I feel somewhat free from that fear. I can go to class, clinical, and hang out with close friends without makeup. But today...it just hit me...how much I hate the way I look right now.
When I wore lots of makeup, I felt like guys stared at me and would nearly always comment how beautiful I am. Now, when guys look at me, I feel like they are staring at my horrible-naked skin....It's the kind of look where they don't want to look like they are examining your skin. I really don't care much because I'm not trying to impress anyone. I'm not trying to get a boyfriend. There is a man that I've become quit close, and we have a long distance friendship and he only sees me on skype. It's a relief that my webcam is grainy, and I can position myself in lighting where my skin looks the 'best.'
I've had acne literally since I can remember....like 10 or 11 years old. It's been from mild, to severe...and only for a few months on accutane did I actually see clear skin. I wish I had stopped wearing makeup then. Since I stopped wearing everyday minerals, my acne on my forehead and right jawline has been nearly 90% clear. I'm sort of angry that my sister gave that makeup to me, since it worsened my acne IMO. On top of wearing that makeup, when I was visiting my friends in Switzerland I slept in my makeup most nights....I feel like my skin was extra bad because of this. I just didn't realize how bad it is for your skin!
I'm seriously done. Though my skin has gotten so much better since on the regimen, it's as if every new pimple (no matter how big or small) is a huge blow. I've never really felt so depressed about my skin. I am a pretty joyful person and alway laughing and trying to look at the positive things in life. However, I seriously just want to FEEL beautiful. People tell me that I am, but I just haven't heard it in a long time... Of course, I sometimes look at other's pictures on this site and realize my skin could be much worse. I noticed that I look at people directly in the eye now...it's like Im reading their eyes and seeing if they are looking directly into mine or other places. I guess I could wear clothes that would draw attention to my face, but that's just wrong.
I know my skin will get better. I stopped taking frequent pictures of my skin, though I'm glad I took some when it was really purging because I realize how far I've come in just a few short weeks. It's mainly my left cheek that is flaring up again. I'm giving up on figuring out what I'm eating. It very well be that I've been lightly scratching (because it itches like crazy sometimes!) or just not applied enough BP.
I had a pustule on my temple, and to on the left side of my chin and instead of popping them, I put AHA+ on and the next morning, I poked them and nearly there was no bump or holes! Just honest red marks. I applied another dab on each and today they are gone (slight marks). But I was amazed how fast they went away. I'm too scared to put AHA+ all over my face again because it broke me out horribly on my chest. Maybe I will just stick to the spot treatment. Anyways, tomorrow will be better. As long as my mom doesn't see me, I think I will avoid depression. I still have hope! I'm only ending the 6th week (I started about Feb 3 or 4th, 2011). I hope by 3 months there will be no more breakouts. I will worry about my scars later.