Im feeling the lowest of lows right now and it mainly because of my situation at university-im a failure.
Although its been a week since i received my extremely disappointing assessment results there are still times when waves of guilt and regret sink in. Im having trouble overcoming these feelings, sure there are some days when i feel normal which is great but then theres other days where i wake up and all i think to myself is how the fuck did i get into this situation? Why haven't i got any internship yet? What will next year hold for me? I used to be a good student and i had things going for me. Its not like i still dont study my ass off so why isn't this hard work paying off ffs.
I know my mum can tell something isn't right so she recommended i see a councilor but i told her i dont need one im fine. Im good at not showing my emotions but i got to give credit to mum she sees through it and i can tell shes worried. And my dad...well what can i say? I can can see through him and i know hes massively disappointed in me, but he did offer me words of encouragement after my results came out. I know hes worried about me as well because i have a sneaking suspicion hes talked a lot behind my back to my mum on a number of occasions.
I've considered myself as someone mentally strong and not one person could break me or my spirit. But its taken an institution to crush me..... I have tears running down my face as im typing this and its hard to take, but im blogging this for a reason. When i've graduated and well into my professional life I wanna look back and read this and know i've overcome some of the darkest days ive faced ever faced mentally. If i manage to graduate by next year i dont know if ill want to go to my own graduation because of the mental scars university has brought me but also the embarrassment of finishing so late.
In other news i've found an awesome song by an aussie band called- 'The Jezabels' its titled 'Mace spray'. And well it sums up my emotions,check it out......
This is what music is suppose to sound like and played with passion. It beats the shit thats played on the mainstream stations a million times over.
For anyone that has given the time to read this