the other night I was getting ready for bed and decided to go through all my nice dresses, the ones my boyfriend hasn't seen me in... tried them all on so he could see cause we don't go out much and I am a bit of a tom boy.
Anyway I was looking at my back whilst wearing each of these dresses and my chest etc and just got overcome with emotion. I was talking about it being nice that I can wear these dresses now my skin has cleared up or something and as I looked at my back I saw how smooth the skin is now and how beautifully pale and milky it is. how I can see the freckles now and see them as beautiful as opposed to just mixing in with my spots...
my boyfriend gave me a hug and as he held me I just felt my face tense up and I started silently crying.
I was so happy, so overcome with emotion. So grateful, so caught in disbelief. For a long time I thought I would NEVER be able to look at my young skin and stroke it without feeling pain, without seeing a diseased thing that needs to be handled with care. I never thoguth I would be able to wear strappy tops, dresses, sexy underwear, bikinis or swimming stuff without having to first achieve some zen-like state of acceptance that my skin is not beautiful... or to simply sit witht eh fact that I hate my own body and resent the lack of control I have over such a blatant part of it.
I don't have to do that now. I learned alot from having acne and I am not sure I would give up the experience but I am so grateful I can look at my skin now and think "I am beautiful".
I still get spots but its like a normal person gets them now.
I tried to explain this to him and I think, after watching me go through this, he understands.
He has really been a huge part of this, he gets up every mornign with me to apply the cream to my back and its only with his effort and time and loving attention that I have been able to achieve this thing which is so important to me.
Its the best gift anyone could have given me.
I thank the universe every day for allowing the treatment to work so I can move on with my life and love my body without the hurdles I feel are unfair.
I am grateful for my scars, they remind me of all I fought for and they remind me of how beautiful I am. like tattoos of a lesson learned.