Alright, let me start off by explaining why I have chosen to do this blog. I have read a lot of information about accutane, I am aware of all the side effects, I know it is possibly dangerous, and far from a fun experience, but we don;t do this because it's fun. We do this because the gain outweighs the risk, and the gain for most is self esteem, confidence and feeling like yourself again.
I chose to do this blog because a lot of my friends and family members do not support my decision to go on accutane. They say things like,"Your skin isn't THAT bad." or, "You'll grow out of it." or, "Have you tried -----." I know they are just trying to make me feel better, but I have tried everything, I'm 24, so, I'm not going to grow out of it, and I know my skin isn't THAT bad, but I don't want to accept that as the norm. I know I can do better than that.
Honestly the main reason I want to do this is because of my mother. She is in her 40's and her skin is VERY bad and covered in scars. She tries to cover it with layers of heay foundation, which I'm sure just makes it worse. I see her and I feel like I'm looking into a grim crystal ball of my future and I want to stop my moderate skin issues before they get worse. Plus, I hate wearing makeup, I dont want to wear it to feel normal. Something else I should mention about my mother is that I do not get along with her, she is mentally ill and has substance abuse problems. I really don't want to look in the mirror and see my mom who has caused a lot of emotional damage to me. I guess you could say that this is more of a psychological problem than an acne problem, but either way, it is my decision and not one that I took lightly. When I told her I was considering this treatment, she first tried to talk me out of it because of the side effects, but after a little bit of discussion she said that she wishes she would have done it when she was younger, but she feels it is too late for her now. She actually is a very beautiful woman and it is sad that she uses all that pancake batter just to feel normal. I know there are a lot of other things going on inside her besides that, but I'm sure her skin makes her feel a lot worse.
I just started having skin issues last year and it has changed me. I used to be very outgoing and a lot more confident, since I started getting acne, I have become more reclusive, afraid to meet new people, avoid social situations and feel panicked when I see a camera. I avoid reflective surfaces because I don't want to see what I look like since I know there is nothing I can do about it. I try to keep a lot of how this makes me feel to myself because I know other people don't want to hear about it or just don't understand how it makes me feel. I don't feel like myself, I haven't for a long time. I just want my sense of identity back. I want to let someone touch my face when they kiss me without worrying if I will break out in the morning. I want to look people in the eyes when I talk to them and not look down at the floor because I feel self concious. I want to go camping wth my friend without lugging cleansers and shit with me and feel vain. I just want to feel normal.
After months of research an deliberation, I went to my dermatologist who I have been seeing for a year with little results. I was afraid I would have to struggle to make my case since my skin actually doesn't look that bad today, but she walked in and said, "You want to do the accutane?" and I said yes please, she said she thinks it's a good decision. She understood why I was doing this, I tried a year of everything else, and while this is going to be hard, it will make me very happy in the end. She made me feel very comfortable with my decision, assured me of it's 85% success rate and how she has been percribing it for 20 years and has never seen anyone experience serious side effects. She warned me of everything that can go wrong, which I was well aware of and told me what the next steps would be. She examined my face, chest and back. She mademe smile when she said my chest is completely clear and gave a thumbs up. Made me feel like she was saying, "Nice rack." When chicks approve of your chest, it jsut makes you feel accomplished for some reason. She appointed a lab where I would go get my blood tests and told me to go there for a pregnancy test this week, then come in next week to fill out all the paperwork and watch a health video of some sort. Then I will get my blood test, wait 30 days, and then I will be allowed to start taking the drug. She will follow up with me 1 month after I start taking it, which right now looks like late June or Early July. Sadly, my job is not letting me take an hour off work to come in for the paperwork, so I am trying to see if the nurse can come in a little earlier for me to do the paperwork and I wont miss work. (Otherwise I will need to wait weeks for approved time off and that will delay that waiting period even further.)
I checked with my insurance, and I have a high deductible policy, which means they pay for nothing until I meet a $2500 deductible, but then they pay for everything. Luckily, I just have to pay $233 more dollars out of expence, and then, everything, my drs. appointments, lab work, it will al be free. I have also decided to seek out the help of a councilor for the possible emotional side effects. Because I have mental illness in my family and a history of depression in life, (due to death in the family or breakups, nothing clinical.) I want to take all the precautions necesarry to make sure I will be okay durring this time. I have seen councilors before when I have felt depressed, each time I was afraid they wold diagnose me as turning into my mother, but thankfully, I was always simply diagnosed as having, "The Blues." I've never been on any medication for these occasions, I just mostly needed someone to talk to. I will set up some appointments again maybe once or twice a month to monitor my mental health and give me someone to talk to about what I am going through, which will also be free with insurance. (I love my job!)
This blog will also provide an outlet and hopefully help other people who are considering this drug as an option. Whatever reasons you have, they are your own, but I hope this makes your decision, whatever it might be, just a little easier. For me, the price of confidence and liking who I am a little bit more is worth 5 months of feeling like crap. I hope this works, I have a lot of faith that it will. I'll keep you updated, and thanks in advance for your support.