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Day 127



I couldn't do it. I could not gather up the courage to spackle my cysts, hide all the red marks and go to work. I just figure I did everyone a favor. Anyone who would have come in contact with me would have been way too distracted to be productive anyways. So I slept till 10, got up poked holes in the cysts that looked like they were going to explode and let them drain. I know I'm not supposed to pick but they looked like puss filled balls sitting on my face. It didn't do much good. Now I have scabs. I don't know about anyone else but my suckers are big time bleeders. Sometimes when they drain little clots come out and then a huge purple mark will form under the skin. It's sick. I seriously find myself so hideous and I avoid my reflection at all costs. If I use the bathroom at work I look away from the mirror when I wash my hands. When I open my car door I look away from my reflection on the tinted windows. I just don't need to look and then be depressed for an undetermined amount of time.

Well I felt kind of guilty about not going to work but I just was not mentally able to do it. I worked out, that was good. 50 minutes on the eliptical and 20 minutes of weights on bis and tris. My arms are looking fierce!! Then I took a shower, washed my hair and cried for approximately 15 minutes. Got dressed, dried my hair and called my insurance about getting a second opinion from another dermatologist. So now I have an appointment tomorrow at 10:15 with a different dermatologist and I also have a 7:15 appointment on Wednesday with a immonology/allergist specialist. So I guess I'll miss work tomorrow too. I wish they'd fire me then I could get unemployment and hopefully my face would clear by the time that would run out. That will never happen, they love me at my job regardless of how hideous I am. I don't want to be conceited but I'm the best Pharmacist there, its another curse I bare. LOL.

Hopefully this new dermatologist will tell me something different. I kind of fear that will not be the case and he'll just tell me to hang in there and let the medication work. But seriously when is this God foresaken medication going to start working? The right side of my face has soooo much inflamation under my skin it's ridiculous. I don't know I was hoping the new guy could inject all the bumps or maybe give me a medrol dosepak but what do I know.

On a lighter note my kids are so great. They know I hate myself right now and they are constantly hugging me and telling me they love me. One of my twins changed the wallpaper on my laptop and wrote you are beautiful in every way!!! accross the screen. I have great kids I'm so blessed. My son who is 16 is always telling me it's not so bad, it looks better. I don't know what I would do without them and all of the other people who are always trying to reassure me.


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