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So... my personal shame.




I'd like to start by saying that compared to many of the poor folks who come to this site, I'm pretty lucky.

I don't really have an acne problem on my face. Right before or right after my period, I may get a couple of zits, but they heal pretty quick. I have fair skin, though, and the hyperpigmentation (the red marks) take some time to go away - but it's not so bad. Nothing makeup doesn't help. I have small pores and an even complexion.

The problem is my damn back. And sometimes my chest.

I get little ones on my chest about once or twice a month - just scattered across the front. They're annoying and make me want to wear turtlenecks. They heal pretty quick and don't leave scars, so... I guess I don' t mind? I'd rather not have them.

But my back... I used to have a lot of cysts on my back. It's calmed down to a point where I only have about 3 or 4 at a time, and then I'll go a few weeks with none, and then 3 or 4 will show up.

The problem with that is that my back is covered with dark red and brown spots, leftover discoloration from my previous cysts. They're not raised or indented, and I know I should be happy about that, but they're SO noticeable, because I'm pale. It's so bad it looks like I have active acne all over and I don't. I hate it and it seems like they never go away, or that by the time they might go away, I get new cysts to replace them.

I hate it I hate it I hate it. I never talk to anyone about it. Nobody. It's awful, isn't it? Something so stupid and something that affects me so profoundly, but nobody has any idea. I'm sure my friends have noticed the spots on my back, my scars. I'm sure my fiance has noticed. They have to have noticed - especially him. But I don't talk about it because it's so fucking embarrassing.

If I'm feeling like they look ok, I'll wear strapless shirts or tanks, but I have to wear my hair down to hide my back. I was in a wedding last year and wore a strapless dress and had to wear my hair down, even though I wanted an up-do because I have stupid stringy thin hair, but I couldn't.

I'm PMSing right now so I'm a little more bitter than normal, but goddammit, I haven't ever talked about this so I feel like I'm unloading 20 years' worth of frustration. My active acne has definitely improved with age - that's for sure, and I'm glad - but it won't stop enough to let me get rid of the stupid scars.

Bah. I want to cry. So stupid. You know, sometimes I even wish I had a beautiful clear back and had the acne on my face instead because then I can put makeup on. STUPID. Stupidstupidstupid.

My older sister has cystic acne on her face, and I'm sure she would kill me for saying that.

Wit's End - nice to meet you.

I think I'm going to try a peel, but I'm scared. I need to work up to it. AHA helps my acne but not the marks. I need something stronger.

I need to think about it more.



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