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DAY 106: Nasty floater



I went for my first ever PAP test on Saturday. It was absolutely MAGICAL. Just kidding. It was okay. My minky must have charmed the doctor though, because despite my having seen her several times before, it was only after she visited the magical cave that she asked if I wanted her to be my family doctor. I felt rather proud, actually. Also, in case you're wondering, I ended up going with the "au naturale" look, mostly because I hear North American tastes differ from those of the Europeans, and everyone knows that "au naturale" is the safe, conservative option. Besides, all that foliage adds an air of mystery, I feel. Wow, that's the longest paragraph I've ever written about vaginas, my own in particular, and believe me I write a LOT about vaginas. Just kidding. Anyway, Pedro saw the doctor straight after me for different reasons, obviously, and the first thing she said to him was, "You're a lucky guy." Just kidding. But it feels so liberating talking about vaginas...

Acne acne acne acne. Well, it's still hanging around, but whatever. I'm sure it will be fine in the end. I usually worry about tears taking my make up off, but even though I cried pretty much all the way through The Lovely Bones on Saturday night (despite having read the book and therefore knowing exactly what to expect), my make up remained unchanged. Even if it had come off a little, the monstrosity beneath it was definitely at bay enough not to even be noticeable. Why my make up couldn't remain in tact the day it shocked the woman in the elevator, I don't know, but such is life.

I am still quite reluctant to put any photos up just yet because I truly feel it won't be doing my own perception of change any justice. It's remarkable to think that for endless years I'd accepted that washing my face daily would entail skimming over dozens of variously sized bumps on my skin, yet now it's smooth all over. With the exception of a few small, mysterious under-the-skin bumps that hang around for ages, that is. But the change is extraordinary. I can't believe there was a time when I contemplated slicing off those nasty protrusions that clung like miniature breasts to my foundation laden skin. Thankfully my better judgement prevailed (only due to the fear of awful scarring, mind) and hopefully I will never have to go through that kind of thing again.

When I look at my crater-like scars in the mirror, I wonder whether they're noticeable to others. Do they glance at me just for a fleeting second longer than they would at anybody else, registering the pock marks the same way I do others'? In the book that I'm currently reading, the character mentions a horrible man she knew who had ghastly pock marks that reflected a former acne ridden face. A tiny part of me felt resentful. I don't think my own scarring looks hideously obvious, but I doubt you'd have to be blind not to notice it.

Speaking of blindness, I'm pretty sure the vision in my right eye has deteriorated. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but my right eye's abilities have paled in comparison to my left eye's for a number of years now, but I'm pretty sure it's gotten worse recently. I also wouldn't be surprised if indeed my left eye has got worse too, without me noticing. I also have this annoying floater right in the focus of my vision that chases my gaze like a manic puppy. I'm sure I've had floaters before going on accutane, I just think it's annoying me more now. Apparently they're permanent, which makes me scoff because I just do not understand the whole thing. If I stare at one spot in the distance, the floater starts slipping down below my focus of vision, therefore it can apparently move, so how come it always comes back to where it's most annoying? Is it just the membrane that it's on slipping down with gravity? Who knows. But in any case, I could choose embitterment over the deteriorating vision, or I could choose to accept that I probably would've needed some sort of vision aid anyway, and be done with it. I think even if God had appeared in my living room a year ago and said, "Okay, Jezika. Fine, you want clear skin. Here's the price: you're going to have to wear glasses or contacts and have dry skin for a while. Oh, and for good measure, I'll throw in a nice floater or two. What do you say?", I'd obviously take Him (or Her) up on His or (Her) offer. I mean, honestly, who wouldn't choose wearing glasses (a common, societally accepted thing) over having acne?


See, this is why I don't use eye drops. Apart from the whole process feeling like I'm murdering a small part of me, my eyes feel dry again less than ten minutes later. I'm not sure why they're feeling so dry today. Usually they're like the Sahara first thing in the morning but then I'm fine for the rest of the day. Oh well, it's hardly a huge burden.

That's it for now. I'm not feeling hugely inspired plus my feet are cold and I have so much housework to do (no captioning for me today). On Sunday Pedro and I resolved to do a thorough cleaning/tidying up of our tiny apartment, so I stuck to my end of the bargain by sorting through my mountain of clothes in our bedroom, hoovering the entire apartment and scrubbing more ominous looking stains from the bathroom surfaces in order to make the whole thing sparkling clean than I care to even think about. Pedro did a "man's job" on the kitchen (only 5/10 on my own scale, although he deems it a 10/10), moved all furniture to the middle of the room, folded up the rug and took his belongings off the new shelving unit and placed them messily on top. That was two days ago. It's still looking the same. I sent him an e-mail this morning pretty much saying this, and how he HAS to finish it tonight because it's looking much worse that it did before. He responded by telling me that there's a method to his madness and that moving the furniture into the middle of the room now helps us move them all to new locations. Move them all to new locations? What new locations? Our apartment is less than 600 sq feet! And when does moving furniture to new locations count as tidying/cleaning? Men are unbelievable. And to think Pedro's actually one of the good ones, all things considered. *Sigh*.

Off I go to tidy...

1 Comment

I've been using this gel-like eye drop it really helps. It feels like lotion in your eye! Its called GenTeal Lubricant Eye Gel

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