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Think Ive lost hope one too many times

Hi this is my 1st post and Im writing here because I just don't have anyone else who understands this acne journey/pain. I am 28 and have had acne since i was in grade 3. I can't take it any longer. I have been on ever prescription  treatment under the sun.,including Acutane...... TWICE.  I am currently on allesse and aczone+ tazorac.5% and things were going well but now I'm breaking out and I just have lost my patience. Hormonal treatments mess with me, I get slightly depressed on them.  So at present I am dealing with a depressed mood, ontop of a bad breakout from my 7 day break of birth control, Onto of that my retinoid is doing the complete opposite of what its suppose to do. It makes my skin oilier!!!!!!. every retinoid I've tried makes it oily. I feel like committing suicide. I would never do it but these thought are bothering me. I am a prisoner of my acne. I don't eat any diary or eggs, i don't eat fatty foods, I just want something to dry my skin out but it just makes it worse and oilier. Probably some inflammatory reaction, I am just so sick of all this. People don't understand the pain that comes with acne. I feel like whats left is accutane again. All the acne diets don't work for me, and the hormonal treatments that do somewhat  help make me want to commit suicide. I feel like there is no cure....... I had some good results with penicillin it took care of the cysts lightning fast. i was shocked but i can't take a heavy antibiotic forever it will ruin my body, nor will any doctor allow me to do that. my boyfriend who has been with me for 9 years  is sick of hearing about this acne stuff.  Acne is so physically painfull too... my face hurts.  I am just at the end of my rope. It sucks all the joy out of my life.  Make up won't cover it ,  drugs won't kill it. My mood is just so blah now, feel like a zombie walking around just trying to get through my day and errands, People tell me I'm cute , but  all i can see is hideous scars and huge cysts.  I would never kill myself but it really bothers me having these thoughts. Feel so hopeless.




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