About this blog
I've been dealing with acne since I was 12 years old... I wouldn't even call it moderate acne -- but I do get severe cystic lesions. There have been times of clear skin, and periods of what I consider horrific. Remember, everything is relative...someone with mild or moderate acne can be as depressed as someone with severe acne. The mind works in an interesting way; making things seem as though they are the worse they'll ever be. And this is where I am currently. Isolated from the world around me, not because I worry about the judgement of others; but because I care about my own skin, my face, I want to represent the best me everyday... but I can't do that (although I know realistically I could) because my obsessive compulsive mind won't allow me to. My day starts off in fear; fearful to take a look in the mirror; will there be a new challenge (a new zit) to face today? And if so, how am I going to work around it? Will I pop it? Conceal it? Touch it? Medicate it? Or squeeze it enough that I make things entirely 100% worse off than they were, now dealing with horrific scab that looks like I underwent minor surgery... so many questions, so much anxiety, so much fear. My brain rattles, I feel panicked. Some days are worse than others, on bad days I find myself checking the mirror more often, just to make sure nothing has changed, other days I say "f*** it" and hide from the mirror because it's just too much, too emotional to even face myself. I know I can be hard on myself, but this is a tragedy. It's no way to live. I want to change the way I feel about my skin; myself. It's hard to just let things be... to not have control over my hormonal acne is absolutely crushing on my self esteem. And sometimes I only make it worse. I can't be the very best me when I am feeling so low about myself. These feelings go against everything I stand for; to live fully. This toxic, depressive time makes me feel ashamed because life is passing me by -- just outside these walls. But I find comfort here. I am in a safe place. Maybe it's time to learn to accept my flaws, but to also learn by doing that, to accept the loss of control. With time, self-reflection, prayer, and meditation, I can heal.