Even though I haven't been on my antipsychotic for well over a month because I can't afford it, I feel positive today. Maybe it's because for school I've been doing all these projects informing people on BDD and anti-bullying speeches, and it just makes me feel good. I feel like there's finally one thing that's kinda "me". You know? You know how people have got that one topic there smart about, like sports or cars. I'm knowledgeable about depressing shit like Body Dysmorphic Disorder! But it's interesting because not a lot of people know about it, and what people do know about it they don't understand it. So I like just spreading the info out there =) And anti-bullying stuff too. I just did an anti-bullying speech and yeah! empowered! I guess I'm really passionate about that topic because I was bullied really badly in highschool. In my speech I used Phoebe Prince, the teen who commited suicide from bullying/cyberbullying, and god that poor girl! I can totally relate. One of the moments that pushed her over the edge was one day she was walking home and her bullies threw a can at her out the car window and screamed WHORE! Ha, shit that has happened to me, but differently. It was with a lysol can, and instead of screaming "WHORE!" (which they did other times, plus ugly and ew) But they screamed "EAT LYSOL!!" It was odd, why would I want to eat lysol? But anyways, I read about the students who bullied sentencing, and shit, that was not long enough!! SO pissed, only probabtion and some community service? They basically drove this girl to her grave!! And one of the girls is insisiting that she didn't bully Phoebe. Bullshit, just looking good for the fucking media. Atleast these people will always know in the back of their mind that their shitty actions killed someone. I hope to God it drives them nuts. I can't believe how heartless people are... It seriously makes me want to cry. Maybe one day I'll go to highschools and middleschools and be an antibully adcovate, Wow I totally spelled that wrong, But it would be really fun and empowering!
On acne terms, Ough, I want to talk about it, but at the same time I don't because I feel like I always jinx it! Well, I've been having a crazy mofo breakout on my jaw/cheek. It's the kind where it's not exactley a cyst, but it's not a whitehead. but it's big and bumpy. It's freaking gross when i'm washing my face and I can feel it, ugh it makes me want to cry..
So, I just felt like trying new things on my face that I have had work for me in the past, and I stopped my Dove Soap and began using Mario Badescus Enzyme Cleansing Gel and Seaweed Cleansing Soap with my Clarisonic.
It's been like two days, but wow, what a difference so far! My face feels much smoother, and the inflamation is really going down so I'm happy with that. I hope it continues, maybe in a week I'll put up pictures if my face is improving. But it'll probably still loook like I have the damn acne because of hyperpigmination.
As of BDD related issues, My BDD has been over all better this past month. Thanks to medication I am able to leave my house and not cry anymore. I still feel like people stare at me, but I don't feel like they laugh at me as much anymore. I used to think people coughed at me too, and since were in cold season, I hope that doesn't begin to start up. But, one problem with my BDD is relationship issues. dun dun dun! Man, I can't handle 2 rejections in 2 days. ough, I feel so guy unworthy! Especially when that one dude got mad at me and called me ugly. Even though he was probably saying it out of anger, it really hurt because he said those things in highschool too... I mean, it didn't make me feel good when he talked about how hot other girls were, and I was like yep. duddy over here!
Maybe I should just accept the fact that I don't look guy hot. But it really buggs me..., It's the stupid right side of my face that creeps guys out! It looks like a fucking dinosaur. I don't look all cute and girly like, I'm more like awkward lol.
Okay, I'm being pretty hard on myself..
Maybe I should go speed dating again lol, It slightly boosted my confidence that I found a guy, but then the next day he rejected me LOL.
Forever alone! I'll stay at home feeling my cyst, learning about BDD, and feeding my 80 cats while watching hoarders! It sounds slightly fun.. I guess. Untill next time =)
***This is for my English class, I know there's gonna be grammer issues and typo's, because I'm awful with that stuff!! lol. But, I tried my best. If you have any suggestions, please let me know respectfully =) thank you! and I hope you enjoy reading.
Every morning when I look in the mirror, I see a monster staring back at me. My eyes instantly shift to my crooked face, then to the craters in my cheeks, and then to my creepy soulless eyes. Instantly, I am filled with anxiety and depression, for I feel like I cannot go out into the world today. What will people think of me? The thought of even going to class and sitting down frightens me, none the less having to interact. I just know once I step outside, students at my university are going to be smirking, laughing and pointing at me, for I am a freak.
It sounds narcissistic, even over dramatic, but try saying that to the millions of people suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder or BDD. BDD controls my life and messes with the perception of myself. To begin, I will talk about the reasons why I may have BDD, my symptoms and triggers, and lastly my treatment.
Since I was twelve, I wanted to be beautiful. That’s all I ever wanted. Some kids were busy worrying about their game system or how many friends they had; instead I was worrying about my face. This seems odd for a young girl, but when I was a kid I was living in a not so healthy environment. When I was about 5, my dad left our family. Although this would bring sadness to most children, I was happy because he was delusional, manipulative and abusive in many ways. He left my sister, my mother and I with no money, a cold, empty house, and a pile of bills to pay. Since my mother was now a single parent, she had to work three jobs to take care my sister Shelley, who is 7 years older than I am, and me. Growing up, my parents were never around, and when they were, it was filled with brain washing non sense. My mother, who used to be a model, would tell us if we are beautiful then we would get everything we wanted in life. Yet as tensions grew, later, I was verbally, emotionally and often physically abused. I would often be told I should never have been born and that I’m ugly and worthless multiple times. Of course I took these comments to heart; they were from my mother after all. Yet as I grew up, I had to realize she had borderline personality disorder and depression, which runs in our family. Although she can’t control her constant mood swings and out lashes, she would still leave me confused on my worth as a person.
In school, I was never popular. From elementary to high school I had no friends. Maybe one good friend, but mostly they thought I was a joke. My worst experiences were in high school. I was called ugly every day, stupid, whore, and ugly again. I had guys even ask me out on dates for jokes. I know I wasn’t the prettiest girl; I had fried hair, braces, a flat chest, acne, and I was just beginning to learn about hygiene, but heavens there were worst people out there than me. For some reason, I was really picked on about my face. I had comments about how my nose was too Jewish, or how I looked like a man. These comments truly affected how I saw myself. I went from looking in the mirror and seeing an okay looking girl with a great personality, to looking like a disgusting beast who deserved nothing. Yet luckily, my symptoms didn’t fully come out until senior year of high school and my freshman year of college. When one has body dysmophic disorder, it’s like an out of body experience. I know what I am thinking is delusional and doesn’t make sense, but when I look in the mirror and compare myself to others, it reinforces my negative thoughts. I could be in front of the mirror for a whole day if I could. There have been times when I can’t leave the house or missed class because of an anxiety attack about my face.
As my self worth decreased, Every month I began to notice another thing wrong with my face; it almost seemed like my face was slowly shifting on me. I began to be obsessed with facial symmetry. I know the right side of my face is crooked; the eyes droop down, the cheekbones too sunk in. I am pretty sure my asymmetry is so bad that I have a congenital defect. I’ve thought about plastic surgery for my nose, eyes and jaw in the past, but as a working student, I cannot afford such costs.
Once all these symptoms came into play, my self worth and perception was completely skewed. I began isolating myself from people and society. I could not go to school, work, or even the mall, for I knew I would be awaiting social rejection. If I did go, I would start crying and shaking, knowing that people are staring at my grotesque features. Even though people may not say something directly to me, I can still feel their eyes on me, judging every aspect of my face. I know they’re thinking “God, what an unfortunate face…” And they’re right, I wish I looked normal. Sometimes I have gotten so depressed with my looks and feeling like an alien that I’ve planned out my suicide. Yet, the only thing that holds me back is the pain of dying.
For a long time, I didn’t know I was suffering from something. I was seeing a counselor for three years, until she diagnosed me with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. She says that people with BDD are obsessed with perceived or imaginary defects, but the thing is that they don’t seem imaginary to me. The laughing, the pain, the asymmetry all feels so real. Luckily, at my college now I was able to see a psychiatrist for the first time and I was put on medication. I’ve currently tried over 3 anti-depressants, 2 anti-anxiety medications including Xanax, and one anti-psychotic. Although they really do help with decreasing my negative perceptions and thoughts about myself, I still struggle every day to see the real me, inside and out. Medication doesn’t solve all my problems though. I currently want to enroll in Cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT, but it is so expensive. I think I would really benefit from CBT because it would reverse my thinking. For instance, Instead of thinking that someone’s laughing at me, I instead think they’re laughing at something else or a joke. I would also love to enroll in CBT or group counseling in order to relate to others and receive feedback and coping mechanisms. One day I hope I will be able to afford it and fight these inner demons.
For so long now, I’ve been seeing myself completely different how people see me. In my world, I see myself as worthless, creepy, awkward, and grotesque. I’ve become so self-absorbed in my own issues, I feel that everywhere I go, I somehow attract negative attention. Although in the past, I’ve been told a lot of negative things, I am now faced with the positive. One would find this wonderful to be receiving compliments, but it only leaves my perception of myself more skewed. BDD not only affects the way I look at myself physically, but me as a person. I believe my BDD has manifested from the years of abuse from my family and peers. The instances that I have gone through have made me feel negatively about my inner self, so naturally it would manifest itself through my physical appearance. Luckily with medication, I am able to focus more and not see myself as a worthless human being anymore. I do not wish to die, for I feel like the purpose of this disorder is to actually connect with others who have the same troubles as I do. It is my passion to inform those about this disorder and to help those who are suffering in silence.
In my sociology class, we learned about Cooley’s looking glass theory. The theory says that we naturally look to others to gain insight and knowledge about ourselves. Although I do believe in this theory, this theory has destroyed me as a being. I believe we should look inside ourselves to gain insight instead of others foolish and selfish perceptions. I continue to try and put less emphasis on my physical appearance, because appearance fades but personality never dies.
Thought I'd start a blog;maybe it could be just my place to go to when I'm feeling down, since I had a not so great experiance on the forum. Still very embarrassed about that, make sure that'll never happen again..
Atleast here no one can say that I'm annoying or I should delete myself, because it is my blog after all..
I'm feeling a bit down. The epiduo on my face is burning, and I can't tell if it's working. I hope it is, because acne hurts like hell and looks bad. Plus my face scars at anything, so sometimes I look like damn Freddy Kruger or a lagoon monster I'd like to say.
I've been feeling really down about my face latley. Maybe it's because I haven't been on my meds latley for BDD but I hope to God I can get them soon. I feel so ugly, and gross. I hate comparing myself to other girls and feeling gross. I just feel like I'm too unique looking... I don't look 'guy hot', I don't attract guys. Maybe because my face is manly looking, I don't have blonde hair, and I don't tan or show off my boobs at any chance I can get.
It doesn't help that someone thought I was 30 too. I BALLED like a mofo when I read that comment. I really look like I'm 30...? Just shoot me...
Atleast I had a nice break away from college. I don't have to worry about going to the cafeteria or anything, or have people staring and laughing and me because of the way I look.
Shit I feel so depressed... I feel like nothing, no one, gross, unloveable. Why should I even be here anymore.. I have no friends, no connection with life, and on top of that I'm ugly.
People say it's just in my head, but I can't ignore the nasty comments I recieved in the past from other people. I've been made fun of all my life, made to feel like absolutley no one. Ifeel like true dirt.
I wish the BDD central site was stilll up, those people understood what it was like. Although people on here are super duper nice, there are others on this site who are just down right nasty and do not understand this disorder one bit.
I hope no one reads this blog, I really don't. The piece of crap isn't even worth reading, it's just me venting about my BDD and acne issues. It's not something interesting like, a positive success story, or an accutane journey.
It's just me being a self loathing loser. But I should put it somewhere right?? I guess others dealing with the same thing will want to read it and connect, so that's why I made it public.
Well, I should probably do hw, or take a tylenol pm and listen to Bob Dylan.
I'm just feeling so anxious and nervous right now, I can't stop crying, I just feel like things are out of my control..
If anyone wants to talk about anything, message me =)