So this halloween, i figured a costume that involved a mask would be best so that i don't have to wear makeup or feel too self conscious, boy was i wrong. I wore the mask to work because i work with kids so everyone dressed up. I wore the mask most of the day (i took breathing breaks) and i had a fairly good time scaring the kids and taking pictures. At night, we were having a halloween carnival at my job and i was assigned to do the lemonade stand with my crush at work
WHAT THE FUCK.
it was even more humid at night so i had to keep taking the mask off to breath (revealing my acne prone skin). He kept trying to make conversation but i was acting like a complete freak. I made zero eye contact, acted awkward, and kept trying to sound boring so he'd give up talking to me so that my self-esteem could endure less agony!
Let's just say it was a long night and i went home with my brother (who works with me) very very upset and sad. I felt SO defeated. When my skin is decent i'm so much more tranquil but when my skin is bad, i'm stressed. The embarrassment and self-loathing afterwards truly ruined my halloween.
Now I don't know how to act when i see him at work again...
For those of you who miss out on things because "you can't go out looking like this" (i'm one of them) please watch this video. Yes, we suffer and acne sucks. But this story of these girls makes me want to walk into my classroom tomorrow with no makeup. Cystic acne and all.
I actually stayed home all weekend due to a break out.
So it's Friday, October 12th, 2012, and I just received this text message from Moe (my role model/best friend who's more like a big sister):
"Staying in? Okay bye"
The reason for this text message is because I've ignored two of her calls and text messages. I know I shouldn't have but... I HAVE ACNE *Amy Poehler shocked face*
My friends are extremely social and beautiful. I love them. Monique, Maria, Julissa, Jenna, Naomie, Jenny, and Kala. But I can't find myself wanting to go out anymore. I can't even face the mirror on a daily basis. How am I suppose to get all "dressed" up and pretend to feel good about my appearance when I really don't?
They just don't get it. They've been getting really annoyed of me not going anywhere with them for the past month now. I just can't though.
I really really really hate the way I look. Mainly because of my acne and acne scars. I also dislike my weight. Certain physical features, etc. I really feel like I am crumbling down... on a spiraling twister of self loathing that won't stop.
The sad part is... 2-3 years ago i was a genuinely happy person. My acne was extremely mild so I hardly ever noticed when I broke out (good old days), I actually thought I was pretty AND I went out all the time!
I still can't believe what this setback has done to my life. I am such a different person than I use to be. I feel like this isn't me. This is not what Sara Montolio (aka lola diamonds) is meant to be like. I cry almost everyday. I'm thinking about my skin/appearance 24/7. I avoid mirrors but I'm always in front of one at home trying to solve some odd puzzle as I just stare back at this stomach turning reflection. And none of my friends know I feel this way.
I hide my mild depression (as I like to call it) very well. When I am around my friends... I laugh, crack jokes, stay talkative and normal. The minute I get home, I shrink into this little pitiful person full of visible flaws.
I'm tired of feeling this way... I want to be this girl again (see attachment).
I know I have a beautiful soul. I love me. My personality. My spirit. But lately it seems like I've lost that too. Basically, my mood and/or week is determined by how my skin looks. That's really shitty.
I sound so superficial and dramatic but what can I do?
I want to be me again...