For some odd reason after 4 months now of being beautifully clear i broke out on my cheeks with four big red cysts. Im not sure if it something i am doing new, the change in weather, or maybe my change in diet (not that i changed it i just recently lost too much weight unintentionally so have been eating whatever id like to gain it back- hence a nice amount of crap) maybe my being alittle more sad for being away from a place i loved this summer and back in school which i dont so much love? I think it is a combination of all of this...but I have been relatively upbeat, happy, busy, working out...i feel good and healthy! why am i breaking out?! I have not changed anything in my wash up and medicate routine ( i do not take my clear skin for granted! not for one single moment!)
Hello fellow acne sufferers!
Im back!! I always HATED the posts that read "oh im doing so well!" or "Oh my skin is looking so great!" because any time I was on this website or reading or writing in my blog - it was because my skin SUCKED. like Major SUCKED (*if any of you followed me in the beginning of the summer you know what im talking about)
SO- Im not going to start bragging about anything...what I am going to do is write to all of you about how I got to where I am now.
Basically when i left you all last i was leaving for the summer with still some pimples and very very prominent red scars. They where pretty damn bad in the first month of the summer...but thats all they were- bad scars. I totally stopped breaking out. No more nasty zits or cysts or white heads all over my cheeks and chin. they were all gone and scarred up. SO the major thing i was dealing with for awhile in the summer were my red scars...that wasnt so bad to cover with the right makeup! what was bad- was taking off the makeup at the end of the night and seeing all my marks that still looked like acne. But i persevered- I kept on the birth control and i applied atralin every night and aczone every morning and moisturized thoroughly day and night as well. Let me tell you- it was LIFE CHANGING. i wore a hat any time i was in the sun to prevent the scars from burning more, and i applied SPF every morning and afternoon to make sure i was protecting my very raw skin.
fast forward to now having gotten a chemical peel a week ago ... and I am all clear! really has been such a change. I sitll have the small dark spots on my cheeks from those bad stubborn pimples, but i spoke with my dr. about a possible lazar treatment (anyone done this before?). the treatment makes me nervous because he said id be out for 10 days and have to go under anesthesia which ive never done before. its something i am considering for this february to once and for all rid my face of spots -- which , again, for all you followers would know, ive had on my cheeks and chin for the past 7 years now. yup- i have had red marks on my face either during or not during breakouts. i have always looked in the mirror- clear or not clear- and seen red spots. so the lazar is an option.
As of now.. my skin is PIMPLLESS! and im loving every moment of it. i dont take it for granted one bit at all! i take such good care of my skin and i love and appreciate it so much now. If any of you would like to ask me for any moral support or questions you have from just starting to break out now- feel free to get in touch with me. Ive been going through these problems for 8 years now and i know everything and anything there is to know about acne... and there is a way out.
all my love and support to you all!
So...the long summer trip is tomorrow..the day ive been waiting for anxiously and nervously is here. I have very mixed feelings towards it because a) my skin is definitely clear! thats for sure. (of course there are those couple of spots here and there that bother me but ill deal) but b) i still look like i have terrible acne because of the scars allll over my cheeks.
the scars are bad. very bad. almost as bad as having the acne still. i hate to complain because it is so much better then it was a month ago when i was completely broken out, but i still have that very ugly feeling stuck inside of me with all the scars. mostly because i leave for my trip tomorrow and i see all the people that i havent seen in awhile and i look the way i do- very much broken out (even though im not i look like i am). makeup helps alittle but not enough because i hate caking it on.
So, i leave now with hope of the scars fading throughout the summer throughout my trip...and will most likely update again with a brighter perspective.
So I am three months into birth control and a month and a half now on solodyn.. things have definitely cleared up since my initial break out but with clear ups come scars. this can be so much worse then acne! because even with the clearer skin it still looks like i have bad acne! I am leaving in a couple of days...so much for being really clear and feeling confident. right now i am not at ALL feeling confident.
this sucks. anybody have some words of encouragement? im in need
Im smiling as i write this right now. I was really scared to do so because i really dont want to jinx it but i think it is time.
My face has really cleared up. Big time. I am really happy with how its going but again- i dont want to jinx it so i wont get ahead of myself.
but seriously- compared to what i was writing about and how i was feeling and looking only a couple of weeks ago this is a huge turnaround! My right cheek- well lets just say it is SOFT! i havnt felt soft skin on my cheek in months! and my left one is getting ther! my chin is doing well and my forehead still great (other then two pimples that i blame myself for cuz i tried to pop two white heads that i shouldnt have touched so they turned into big cysts that are going down now) but really i cant say i am not happy about how its looking cuz i really am. Only thing that i still am so self concious about - is although my acne has definitely cleared up A TON- the scars dont let my so far success shine through...im sure you ALL know what im talking about. the moment your face clears up but doesnt look like it actually is because of all the dark spots all over that make it look like u still have bad acne. fortunately though there is alot more i can do about covering that and feeling better then covering up big cystic acne. so i am HAPPY.
For all you out there wondering how this came to be i will tell you-
I didnt let up on any of the medications my doctor gave me even with all the painful (and i mean PAINFUL) side effects. Solodyn i think has been working, even though it makes me really really nauseas at night (i started taking it at dinner instead of lunch and that seemed to help). Nighttime routine consists of washing with this new cerave derma control oil control foam wash (literally brand new product) my doctor gave me to test out. it takes of makeup really well and you dont have to lather on your cheeks- if you have cysts that hurt like i do- and so it helps to clean without the pain of rubbing. also definitely helped with my oily skin throughout the day. so after that at night i would wait a good 45 minutes and put epiduo on my face. now this was the hardest part. it BURNSSS like hell every single night. feels like fire on my face until i fall asleep -which is really hard to do when your face is on fire. but i started just taking advil or moisturizing alil right after i wash my face to ease up the burning (it burned i think because i would be really dry after washing at night and then epiduo on dry skin=PAIN). either way i felt this product work. i would wake up every morning thus far and see improvement- including on the fading on my awful scars.. so this is great. morning again wash with the cerave, apply aczone which i also loved for big pimples-it dries them up nicely throughout the day, i would let that dry and then moisturize with cerave face lotion (my favorite moisturizer!) and then of course MAKEUP! just started using clinique superbalanced liquid foundation.now girls with cystic acne like me who DONT like the caky look of makeup this stuff is the BEST! it covers really smoothly and nicely but doesnt give that gross caky look over big bumps of acne. now this means that your not going to get that full coverage but okay, so you deal with some of the acne look- either way we kinda go through that gross feeling of 'yea i got acne-deal with it' so the caky makeup look doesnt really help with that either way- thats why i liked this clinique stuff it really did smooth me out. ontop of that i brush alittle bare minerals to even out the foundation and then alittle of the warmth(also bare minerals) careful with this on your cheeks becuase it can sometimes bring out the redness of pimples and we dont like that now do we? finish off with alittle blush to bring back color to your face from covering up with the clinique and some eyeliner on the top and mascara to make your eyes the focus and make them pop! no matter how bad my acne got i always had people comment on my beautiful eyes that would always make my day.
So that my friends is my every day routine- give or take alittle on the makeup (even though as you can tell it isnt that much)
I hope my next post will be even more enthusiastic! for now- im excited about my progress and i hope you all can go through it with me...!
Well, I have three weeks to go until i see people again that i havent seen in 6 months now. my face has definitely calmed down but the scars dont allow my face to show any progress- they are just as ugly...okay im exxadurating not just as ugly...but ugly still as having bad acne. I want them to fade more so that i dont look awful without makeup! please please please g-d let them fade more i am going to be going to the beach and swimming and sleeping over with friends and i dont want to worry about having makeup on to look and feel pretty!
its gotten to the point where i dont want my emotions to make me breakout more so i force myself when looking in the mirror to just say okay you are pretty! guys think you are pretty! be pretty! you are pretty! ... yea it sounds self centered but i mean common . we all know its what people like us battling acne HAVE to do in order to gain ANY sense of self confidence. am i right or am i right?
Like I said, cheeks calmed down alot. i keep getting these gross huge onces right on the top of my cheeks, like under my eyes for some odd reason. they are big and they hurt but they go away quickly but leave a huge mark. so i have three big marks now on the top of my cheeks (along with alllll the thousands of marks taking over the rest of my cheeks). chin is clear - still marked up though. forehead thank G-D never really broke out except for one every now and then so i have a couple of spots around my hair line that do easily cover. i really did thank g-d lessen up on the inflamed cysts, its just the marks all over with the couple of inflamed cycsts that really make it look like continuous bad acne.
The title says it all. but i am going to write just to get out my feelings right now. I was cleaning out my room and found a picture of myself at age 16.. back in 2008 i belive, and my skin was a complete disaster. what made me so depressed now (aside from the fact that i went to the derm again just for a cleaning and more crap to use for my skin) is that NOTHING has changed in the almost 5 years since that picture was taken. NOTHING. im older, and my face is just as hideous. I feel hideous. I feel gross and ugly and boring because i dont want to go out and look in the mirror and feel ugly. i just am hating myself right now.
cheeks have calmed down alot. so yea youd think that would cheer me up, but the scars are whats bumming me out even more- because ive been through this before, and i know how it works. scars dont fade as quickly as the big bumps do. they linger on your cheeks for months and months until finally u can see maybe they arent that noticeable anymore and if you suck up enough confidence you can get out without makeup. but that takes months! and i dont have months now! i have only a couple of weeks until i go abroad to see all my friends who i havent seen in 6 months (last they saw me my skin was clear and those scars had faded enough for me to feel comfortable without makeup). now i have to go and face all these people that dont know me with acne and all of a sudden i have a face fulll of red marks. i really feel like crying all the time and i have to hold it cuz im afraid my emotions will cause another breakout. how much more Ridiculous can this become!?
Lately (yesterday and today really) I have been feeling...lets say...contempt with how things are starting to appear. My right cheek has smoothened out a bit (compared to a few weeks ago- ALOT) and my left cheek is showing signs of progression. Still lots of marks all over but makeup does cover it really nicely (i wish it didnt have to come down to that though). I am feeling really skeptical about writing this entry now though, because i feel like any and every time i write or tell someone, or even myself, that its looking a teensy bit better, BAM! it bites me in the butt and it gets a million times worse. So- I am not writing about how it is getting better, but i will write about how I am getting better.
I went out with some friends that i havent seen in almost a year. It was really hard for me at first because i know my skin really does look like it did back in highschool, and that really bothers me cuz i would have hoped when they see me two years out of that place id have grown out of that phase. but, no. i did not yet. Still waiting to.. or more like still waiting for my hormones and waked out body parts to give up and let my skin be! only four more weeks till i leave for abroad. I am hoping i will be in a much better place very soon.
Still NO CHANGE. Why the F*** does this have to be happening right now to me? I walk around the mall and just see clear face after clear face of beautiful women,.. and even if they arent beautiful, they still have such amazing clear skin. And I walk around and i feel like i have a gross disease the way my face is so broken out with spots and cysts. Its disgusting. over the weekend this autistic kid that lives down the block from me says "wow you have alot of pimples on your face" thanks kid I DIDNT REALIZE. as if i wasnt already feeling shitty about it, that really set me off. I canceled my plans with my friends tonight cuz im so embarrassed at how awful i look since they last saw me before we parted ways for school. I am leaving in 5 weeks to go abroad and if my face isnt clear by then i will be absolutely utterly and completely MISERABLE.
Still none really. except that my cheeks now have all these spots that really hurt when i wash my face. I cant help but constantly touch and try and see if maybe its flattening. thats probably making it worse and i should stop. I have still been good about not picking although i was bad tonight and after my shower i popped a couple. shit whyd i do that?? i really dont want to deal with scars! F***!!!!!!
Its been almost a month and a half and my skin is still breaking out all over my cheeks! i thought for alittle bit that it was clearing up alittle but last night when i washed my face I noticed so many new big active cysts on my cheeks..it devastated me. I had finally had some hope that it was getting better and it was completely shot last night...and of course today when I went out to lunch with my friends and any picture we took showed every dent and purple and pink mark on my skin...I felt so ugly. I look at myself in the mirror and really really feel ugly. And whats even harder is that I dont see a light at the end of the tunnel right now...at all!
no update today. Because honestly nothing has changed.
Endocrinologist today. went over my entire history with acne and how it all has played out these past 7 years. Turns out though he cant check if it has something to do with my ovaries since I am on birth control and that reduces the hormones that would normally probably be at excess (if i got that correctly). he suggested i stay on what i am doing now, and maybe in a year if it gets better go off birth control and check to see if it is really a problem with my ovaries.
So for now.. I will just continue to update based on what I am doing now to get clear.
Solodyn still 65 milligrams a day. Seems to maybe be kicking in since my breakouts arent so big and cyst-like/ painful. Wel see maybe at the end of this month they will be alot smoother! My face is completely dry from the epiduo im peeling all around my chin its really gross i keep picking off the dry skin (even grosser). anyone have a good natural face mask to moisturize it but not clog my now sensitive pores?
Went to my dermatologist today for the first time in over a year. Lets just say it brought back many unpleasant memories..so unpleasant that I actually started to cry in the office. I started going to this office almost six years ago for the same reason that I was there today- my face is just unmanageable. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING has worked for way too many years and saying it isnt pleasant is a huge understatement. So he gave me a couple of options but my problem is that I am going abroad this summer so most of them I can really start yet- one of them being going on accutane again. which if my problem persists I most likely will do after the summer.
But there is hope-
He said that many women with my case that have such stubborn acne can have it regulated by taking not only birth control pills (that I am taking now) but also some blood pressure pillls (i cant remember what it was called) and that it will regulate something in my blood that helps with acne in many women. so this looks like a small light at the end of a very long and narrow tunnel. so I will be scheduling an appointment with an endocrinologist to prescribe me these 'blood controlling pills' wel call them.
For now he put me back on Solodyn that I used to take many years ago. He put me on a higher dose then my weight should be able to handle only to get the ball rolling quickly ( i really love my doctor he cares so much about me getting better soon) and gave me Epiduo topical cream for night (also used to use this back in the day- there really isnt anything I haven't tried yet except for these 'blood control pills')
Still no improvement anywhere on my face. If anything I woke up this morning with many more painful ones around my chin and on my left cheek again. My doctor popped and injected them for me so hopefully theyl be gone by sunday. Im praying this all kicks in really really soon before I go abroad. i want to walk around feeling pretty and sexy again in tanktops and bikinis and no makeup on the beach.
Anyone ever heard of these blood control pills to help acne?
Im three weeks in on birth control now. Not much of a change though. I finished my last final today and am back home. I know I shouldnt but I felt so embarrassed to see my family again with my face so broken out. Especially my sister who suffered from mild acne and went on accutane this year and has completely completely clear skin- im talking beautiful no scars oil free soft looking skin that I would die for. Im also really not looking forward to facing people back here who I havnt seen in awhile and who havnt seen me an dmy new ugly face. Yes- ugly. that is exactly how i feel all day every day now. Very ugly.
Still broken out with cysts and pimples all over my cheeks and chin. Forehead seems to always stay pretty clear for the most part (please g-d dont let that now be jinxed or so help me!). My back is still pretty bad which bugs the hell out of me because it really never has been before. Im going to the derm on friday for the first time in awhile... that office used to see me every other week and now its been almost 2 years since ive been back. what a g-d awful feeing that nothing has changed.
Still holding back on as much picking as possible so as not to cause more scaring when this hopefully does subside. wel see if that even works though cuz my face is already a big mess...
Im back to that I-Hate-Myself-And-How-I-Look faze. Hope it goes away soon.
Ive been really good lately... I used to shower every night and run strait to the mirror to pop all those nasty zits that were more easily pop-able because of the hot water from the shower. For the past couple of days (and thats alot for me!) I shower and glance towards the mirror and walk right out of the bathroom so as not to be tempted. I find that it works a little better for my face that i dont irritate all the other garbage around my cheeks by popping just one pimple that bothers me. So, for now, no popping! and i have a huge oozing zit on my cheek surrounded by little ones that im so tempted to pop but i am being so good! i just really want to clear up and not have scars again and I know that by not popping I will more likely not have to wait longer for the marks to fade...
Still broken out all over my cheeks. my right cheek (the cheek ive been experimenting on with clearsil face wash) has surprisingly flattened! granted its still spotted and red all over, but it definitely is alittle flatter then last week. Only one week left on my first month of birth control. Hoping that by next month at this time ill be alittle happier...
I had the tiniest tang of hope this morning when putting on my makeup that its going to be okay and get better soon... I hope that i keep thinking this way- it feels alittle better then that gut wrenching feeling in your stomach telling you you look like a monster.
Okay, so last night I decided to conduct a sort of experiment; I bought the new clearsil face wash (which I read online people are not such big fans of because of the salicylic acid thats been added ) but all of last year when my skin was really clear I was using clearsil (the old formula) and it really worked, so.. I figured id give this one a shot because I liked the way it lathered in my hands and really cleaned through my face... but- heres the catch. Im only washing one side of my face with it, my right side. and my left side I am continuing to wash with my regular cerve face soap (its a very plain soap..which to my doctor is the best to use but I never find it really cleans my face from my makeup and daily oils as well as a face wash with alittle acne product it in.) surprisingly; now i doubt it is just from the one night and morning of this facewash- but my right side was already clearing up alittle. so maybe this will help? if it makes it worse then i will for sure be able to tell and will know that this is not a good product to use. but for now... i will continue the experiment and hope it goes well (and hope that my other cheek clears up for the hell of it as well!)
any suggestions on this product? should i not even be using this because of the salicylic acid?
Ok, So yesterday i added a new entry for the first time in three years to my accutane blog... i decided to start a new one, seeing as this will now be a new eventful journey on birth control to try and get rid of this horrible case of cystic acne ive accumulated in only two months. I woke up in the middle of the night last night with horrible pains all over my face from the acne, and it kept me awake the rest of the morning from all the physical and emotional pain that it has inflicted upon me.
Alittle background on my acne;
I started breaking out when i was 13..and for years and years i went on every single medication (oral and topical) known to man kind. I tried absolutely everything possible to try and get rid of my pimples. but as time went on my acne grew worse and worse, and at 17 i was miserable with pimples galore, and finally went on accutane. now, even my case on accutane was not normal. it took 5 months for me to begin to see reults, and even after 6 months on the awful drug.. i was pretty clear, but never compltetly clear. but i was happy with the results becuase anyone with acne knows that one two or three pimples is a blessing compared to a face-full of them. so for about a year after accutane i was nice and clear, until the summer a year and a half later i started breaking out on my cheeks again. so i immideatly decided to go on birth control and regulate my hormones to try and regulate my pimples. this worked wonders! i was clearer on birth control then i had ever been even on accutane! i loved it. for a good year and a half i had great skin with no problems (great skin again- means one or two or three pimplles, which of course i was so happy with). so, after awhile of being on birth control and my skin seemingly normal, i decided to stop taking the pills about four months ago (i am now 20 and so for personal reasons i wanted to stop taking medicine in my body) and was totally fine for a couple of months. all of a sudden, about two months ago i started breaking out with big cysts on my right cheek. i thought it would maybe go away, so i started using all these name brand face scrubs like clean and clear and neutragina, boy was that a mistake! i started braeking out on my other cheek even worse, and eventually two weeks later i was full blown acne faced once again. i became miserable about it and decided to go back on birth control.
and that is where i am at right now. miserable about my cystic acne, and two weeks into birth control..hoping and praying that since it worked once before it will work again.
So this will be my new eventful journey with birthcontrol..and i hope that in a matter of months i will be blogging about how much happeir i am again with my skin. but for now... it hurts