so week 1 is over! I am pretty enthusiastic, despite the acne still being more of the same. christmas is coming, which means being around family and new people seeing my horrible skin. excited to see family, but not excited about that second part.
I just got a humidifier, so I set that up today and hopefully that'll help with some of the dryness.
I'm posting more pictures just to really show how bad it is.
I'm getting a lot more cystic stuff, and a lot of those pesky postules that are so tempting to just pop. I'm really tempted to go to my dermotogolist to get some shots for the big bumps so they're easier to cover-up with makeup.
here are some horrible pics of my acne.
ugh. makes me wanna gag.
the first 5 are without any make up.
then i make-upped up and tried to show how the acne makes me feeeeel. i needed at least one picture that didn't make me want to vomit....
today is day 6. my acne is exploding. i have a huge cystic acne on my left forehead by my temple and i never get cystic acne that high up on my face. today i was laying in bed and tried to rest my head on my hand and there was absolutely no way to support the weight of my head without hurting some cystic something on my face.
it's horrible. it's really horrible.
i wasn't sure i should do a blog, but i realized it's almost 2 am and I can't sleep and all I can do is google search accutane pictures to see before/after shots. I literally have dreams of having perfect skin. it's all i've ever wanted for longer than i can remember.
my skin makes me cry. i hate reading blogs and thoughtless people make comments suggesting, 'umm..just wash your damn face' or 'why not eat better foods?' I have been on 10 different types of oral antibiotics, tried every single type of anti-acne topical medication (differin, retin-a, tazerac... you name it). all they did was make my skin peel off in sheets, to leave raw open cystic acne mountains and flake-skin that peeled off if i ever managed to smile. I've bought every stupid acne system (acne-free, proactive, neutrogina skin id..) and felt optimistic and wide-eyed, it worked on so-and-so! Look at her skin!! even though i'm a huge skeptic, it's like i wanted to believe those things would work, so i'd shell out the $$ on a wing and a prayer and rinse, lather, repeat as they told me to do: once, twice, three times, a-sucker. no results, nothing.
I've probably spent more on my skin than I have anything in my whole life (except my over-priced education). It's horrible and exhausting and depressing. I wake up in a good mood and think, wow maybe today's the day, my skin feels kinda good! and then I go to brush my teeth, and see myself in the mirror, and I watch myself stop smiling.
I then do the routine: wash the face, use the toner, use the topical medication, take the pills, drink the water, let the topical dry, apply moisturizer, let that dry, brush teeth, apply foundation, apply concealer, apply powder, brush hair over face, put on glasses.
I have gone with the Ally-Sheedy-in-Breakfast-Club look for too long. (but even she had perfect skin... )
In short, i've just been miserable.
I'm not eligible for birth control because my mother died very young of hormone-related cancer and no obgyn will prescribe bc to me. I'd probably take it if they would, which is just a testament to my desperation.
I have tried meeting with a nutritionist, i get facials, i do the light shows, everything, and yet, nothing in the results department.
I tried accutane in high school, but stopped when my mother got sick because of insurance reasons.
I just got a new job and active insurance, so I am trying it once more.
I finally have my life together, and I really really hope this works.
I'm trying not to get too excited, and everyone tells me to not be too eager, but this really and truly would be a life saver.
It's horrible right now. Every time I get out of the shower, I feel stupid even trying to put myself together. Like it's a big joke that I would even try.
To not have that, to not feel that way- i just don't know how amazing that would feel.
so right now, i'll take the exhaustion, i'll take the aches in my elbows and knees and back, and my headaches, and my peeling lips. I'll do what I always do, I'll soldier on.
I bought three things of aquaphor, I have eucerin hand cream, i bought a big scarf and gloves, and a humidifier, and cetaphil.
I am going to beat this, it's going to work.
I hope to God this works...