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About this blog

fighting my acne and bad self-image!!

Entries in this blog

 

Haven't updated in a while.

So, I haven't updated this in a while. After being fired from my server job, I asked my manager at my other job for more hours so I am pretty much working every day there. I have been looking for other jobs, but honestly I feel like I don't need to, because I devote so much time this job and get enough hours. The wedding on Saturday went well and although I had hyperpigmentation and a few spots, I think I looked okay. From the pictures taken, my skin looked perfect, but pictures never show what I see up close. If I don't slather on moisturizer when I get ready, my chin will flake within a few hours. I don't want that to happen at work when I have to interact with customers, but at the same time I wish I could fight my acne and clogged pores with the BHA while I am working. So, that is my current problem. I got my period today and new acne has crept up, which is typical. Of course, I have been picking. My face looks gross right now, but hopefully the concealer can cover it up mostly for work. I am still considering therapy for this, but if I could just get rid of my acne, I wouldn't pick. I need to go grocery shopping and clean up the apartment a bit before work. I can clean up, but I don't really feel like going shopping. We'll see.

overcomingshame

overcomingshame

06/29/2011

 

Day 10- Looking up..slightly

Hey everyone. So, my last post was pretty bad. Saturday night was my good friend's bachelorette party. My skin was scabby, but I tried to cover up the spots with concealer and foundation. It looked okay except for one spot on my lower cheek. No matter how much I caked on the makeup it looked bad and discolored. I sucked up my self-consciousness and ugliness and put a cute dress and went. I did it for my friend and I was glad I did. All of her other friends were beautiful and we had a lot of fun. We drank, did karaoke, went dancing and were a wild and crazy bachelorette party. I didn't get home until 4am. After all of that, my skin was mad at me and broke out a little. The BHA definitely smoothed things out and they are getting better, but putting it on my scabs makes them worse and linger on my face. I just want to look better before this Saturday, the actual wedding. I cannot pick this week, no matter how bad a spot is. Covering up a small blemish is a lot easier than a scab or open wound and I need to remember that. My skin is really dry from the BHA and I am almost out of moisturizer. My manager at work is having a baby shower and is registered at Target and my friend that is getting married is registered there too, so my bf and I are going there today. Gonna grab some Cerave hydrating cleanser (read good things and reviews) and some more cetaphil moisturizer. Still working on finding a new job and looking into therapy for my picking and other issues. I found a woman that has an office within walking distance of my house and seems to fit my needs well. Trying to stay positive about things. Guess that is all for now! Until later.

overcomingshame

overcomingshame

06/20/2011

 

Day 9-FML

Just a warning, but this is going to be a depressing post. So, last night I popped the clogged pore that had been continually coming to a head. It didn't budge for a while but I kept at it. I ripped open the skin. Pissed off about that. Getting ready for work this morning was very hard because my skin looked like shit and I couldn't cover it up, I felt so ugly. So, I get to work only to learn that I had been fired. I didn't show up for work one day (I was scheduled at my other job at the same time and didn't even think to check the schedule for this job). It was my fault, I fucked up. So now I am super depressed about that. I loved that job, the people at it, and the money that came with it. (Serving job at a bar, good tips and a fun environment). It was also 5 minutes away from my apartment. Fuck, I'm an idiot. So I went home and did some job searching. I applied to jobs and wrote down a list of place to go in person. I went to the mirror and looked at the failure in front of me. Then I ripped my face apart. I feel so ashamed of myself. I mean, its my friend's fucking bachelorette party tomorrow night. I'm gonna look like asshole. My acne and picking problems definitely have ruined my life. I feel so ashamed of how I look that I don't go to work and hide all the time. I pick apart my skin when I am stressed or feeling badly about myself. I just end up feeling worse. I am going to look into some sort of therapy, because this shit is controlling me. Its not enough to slather on acne products and tell myself to stop picking my pimples, I need to work on my anxiety and fix this issue. I am very lucky to have a boyfriend that will always support me and love me, no matter what. I hate acne and I hate the way it controls me. Maybe I'll go back to the dermatologist to get something stronger. Without having this job now, I certainly have time to work on my skin and clear up my acne. So, as I write this I know what I have to do. Job hunt and apply to jobs near me, make a therapy appointment, make a dermatology appointment. Most of all, not beat myself up for my failures and flaws.

overcomingshame

overcomingshame

06/17/2011

 

Day 8-Continuing to Improve

Yay, I have a day off of work today! Gonna go grocery shopping, maybe do some laundry, and wash the dishes. I actually accomplished cleaning the bedroom..very proud of myself. My boyfriend's old roommate that currently lives in NYC might visit tonight, which would be wonderful. He was always very sweet and interesting to talk to. He is an amazing cook, so hopefully I can whip up a few yummy snacks. I'm thinking homemade french fries with different dipping sauces. Ugh, now I'm super hungry. Sunny side up eggs and bacon here I come!! As far as the skin goes, it is gradually getting better. When I took a shower last night after work I used my Cetaphil + baking soda and one spot that was bothering me came to an easily squeezable head (gross I know ) and it is a tiny red spot today. Not even noticable. The forehead is still yucky, but I don't care too much because I have bangs that I can trim up in a pinch. Don't like the feeling of hair in my face though. Upper lip is still red from past picking and one clogged spot is slowly coming to head. Hopefully it doesn't pop up on Saturday or I will be so tempted to pop it. The chin is blah. Yesterday at work I went to look in the bathroom mirror and my chin was flaky. Yuck. I ran to get my Paula's Choice little sample of moisturizer and slapped some on. I'm glad I threw that in my purse. It felt nice, so I might actually purchase that next along with my BHA refill (definitely a repurchase on that one). I'm excited for Saturday and just hanging out with the girls, skin be damned I will have fun. I just have to remember to keep my hands away from my face and take care of myself. I'm worth it!

overcomingshame

overcomingshame

06/16/2011

 

Day 7-Getting a little better

Hey everyone, Today is okay so far. Workers outside my apartment were making a shit ton of noise early, so I couldn't sleep. Ugh, oh well. The spots that I messed with are now scabs so I'll have to wait for them to fully form and fall off. A whitehead formed on my chin (the first in a week) probably because of my diet, late nights, and skipping the BHA one night. I told myself not to pop it and just leave it alone, but I didn't. Its a small red spot. I'll probably ice it a little bit before my shower today just to reduce the swelling and redness. I fell asleep in bed and didn't wake up until 5am to wash my face. I was so mad at myself, but I really wasn't wearing too much makeup so I guess it was okay. The BHA definitely smoothed things out a bit. So, here is a breakdown of my face today. Forehead: Bumps on the left side of my forehead (looking pretty yucky) Eyebrows/Cheeks/Nose:Smooth with a little redness, but great overall Upper lip: Worst area, no breakouts but some clogged pores, scabs, and hyperpigmentation Chin: Red spot from popped whitehead and various hyperpigmentation I really, really need to work on my diet. I need to clean it up and avoid the dairy. I need to wash off my makeup and do my nightly routine before I get super tired, I need to drink a lot of liquid and green tea and get my supplements in. I have to stop the popping and picking, because one of my best friend's bachelorette party is this Saturday. I cannot miss it. Gotta stay strong! Also, going to attempt to clean up the bedroom. Until tomorrow!

overcomingshame

overcomingshame

06/14/2011

 

Day..Whatever!

Hey all, Its been a while since I've updated. Been using the BHA at night and sometimes in the morning, but it can be pretty drying, although nothing my Cetaphil moisturizer can't handle. I feel like my upper lip (my most clogged and worst area, damn you upper lip!) is purging the clogs that were taking up permanent residence on my face. I'll admit that I did squeeze a few areas, now my upper lip looks like shit. The BHA definitly makes my skin more fragile so it tears easily when I fuck with it. I know I shouldn't do it, but I can't allow these nasty clogs to sit there on my face. *Gross warning* One spot kept torturing me. It was so clogged and looked full of under the skin pus. I squeezed it and so much shit came out. Fucking gross as shit. I am disgusted that it was on my face. I've also been going out a lot more, which means late nights and sometimes forgetting to wash my face until I wake up in the middle of the night. Also, my eating has been BAD. Buffalo wings, cheese, fries, etc. I haven't been breaking out in inflammed acne, but I'm sure it hasn't helped my texture and radiance. Also, I feel bloated and gross. I need to get back on a clean and healthy diet. I love this BHA though. My forehead is looking pretty smooth minus some resistant little spots, my nose is looking poreless and my chin hasn't broken out since I've started using it. That's something right! Like everyone, I just wish my skin could be flawless. I am pretty, but my skin holds me back. I am crossing my fingers that my skin continues to get better. I know that it takes a month or more for this BHA to really kick in and the purging will continue. I really just need to stay strong and stop picking at my face. It is a constant struggle. Everywhere else is looking good except my upper lip, so I need to really focus on leaving that area alone. Wish me luck!! Much Love!

overcomingshame

overcomingshame

06/13/2011

 

Day 5- Paula's Choice

Hey again everyone. Slept in today because I had a killer headache. I feel so much better now though. Its really hot here, especially since we have no AC so I'm pretty much sweating my balls off. Yesterday my Paula's Choice 2% BHA came in along with three samples I chose (skin lightening stuff for hyperpig, BP 2.5%, and a skin balancing moisturizer). My boyfriend is the only one with the key to the mailbox so I had to wait until he got home from work to get it. It felt like Christmas! When he got home I went running. I joked before I left that he should cook dinner so when I got home it was all ready. I was surprised when I got back that he was at the stove. He is the best! Last night he went to the bar (where I work actually!) and I stayed home cause I was pooped and still felt ugly. I did my milk of magnesia mask and when it dried I got in the shower. When I felt squeaky clean I got out, dried off and applied the BHA. It was sticky and I probably applied way too much (I'm a chronic product overuser). My skin looked pretty crappy with the red marks, and the few open sores that I picked that morning. (Arg I suck!!) Although the gel felt sticky and wasn't completely dry when I went to bed, I hoped it would work all the same. When I woke up, I immediatly looked in my hand mirror and was amazed. My pores looked so small, some of red marks had faded, and best of all the closed comedones on my forehead and nose had practically disappeared. Plus, no new breakouts! While my skin is not even close to great, I can tell within a few weeks it will look awesome! If I can stop touching and picking at my imperfections and just let the product do it's thing I will be good. I'm so excited, although it might be too sticky to wear during the day. I don't wear foundation so it might look shiny and weird. I have to work tonight so hopefully I won't look too disgusting. That's all for now! Adios

overcomingshame

overcomingshame

06/07/2011

 

Day 4-Looking and Feeling Better

What's up Monday! Early morning cause I am used to getting up when my boyfriend leaves for work. So, yesterday, I popped a few whiteheads and clogged pores. My chin was and still is pretty much looking like a red warzone, my own doing of course. My boyfriend was really sweet and went to the grocery store while I stayed home and cleaned the apartment. I'm glad we got that accomplished. It feels a lot more calm living in a tidy environment. After that I did a Milk of Magnesia mask to soak up my oil and sweat. I showered and washed with my Cetaphil for normal to oily skin mixed with a little baking soda for exfoliation. Afterwards I did an apple cider vinegar toner. (50% water:50% ACV) I decided to put on concealer so I wouldn't feel like a monster and it worked. I felt a lot better about myself. My boyfriend got home from the store and told me I looked amazing. I guess he got used to seeing me looking terrible without makeup. We ordered Indian food and had a great time just hanging out. We danced to music together and laughed all night. I really love being with him. Washing my face before bed I popped a whitehead on my chin and a clogged pore that I couldn't resist by my nose. I swiped a cotton pad soaked in full strength ACV and then rubbed BP on areas that suck (forehead/nose/and one stupid zit that won't go away). I looked like shit before going to bed. Red, splotchy, and sweaty. When I woke up this morning I was expecting the worst, but my skin looked really good. Pores looked refined, no oil and sweat when I woke up and besides my picking spots (which lessened in redness) my skin was glowing. That's glowing, not oily. Plus, no new breakouts! Yay ACV!! I put a dot of Cetaphil lotion on each red spot to help them diminish and here I am now. According to UPS my paula's choice should be here today! I might even go running today, that is how good i feel. I guess my new skincare routine will be the Cetaphil cleanser/occasional baking soda when I'm feeling the need for a gentle scrub, ACV full strength toner, and the 2% BHA gel all over. I hope that's not to much acid on my skin! My face really isn't too sensitive, so I'll just have to play around and see what works and what doesn't. Sucks that my appearance is my own little experiment. Hopefully this means my skin is on the up and up! Supposed to hang out with my good friend on Thursday that I haven't seen in a while and my other good friend's bachelorette party on the 18th, so no more picking and popping!!

overcomingshame

overcomingshame

06/06/2011

 

Skin!Skin!Skin!

Hello Day 3, Ugh, I hate the summer for making me sweaty and oily when I wake up in the morning. It actually makes me miss 30 degree weather! Last night, while feeling depressed about my looks and everything else, I picked off some scabs that were ready to go. I proceeded to do this for pretty much every other scab. I am left with a face full of red marks, but every spot i messed with was healed underneath, so that is awesome. The way the body heals itself is actually pretty cool. Anyways, I am breaking out in little pin sized whiteheads on my chin. Of course it being me, a girl with no self-control, I had to get 'em out of here. Hopefully these heal quickly since they are small. I have one big scab left underneath my eye that might be ready to come off today. *fingers crossed* The BHA is finally on its way, so I hope to God that it stops these whiteheads and refines the look of my skin. I've even heard that it helps to fade hyperpigmentation! I still have a feeling that the birth control and BHA won't do much and I will have to go back to the derm. I tried some topicals (plus BCP's) maybe a year ago that really cleared me up, so if nothing works I will try that again. My good friends wedding is the 25th of this month, so I at least want to look normal by then. Besides skin, my appetite is very low and I feel very down. I feel like my boyfriend is not supporting me and will never understand how I feel about my acne and how much this picking affects me. I know he loves me, but I feel very alone in all of this. It is not fun to feel ugly about yourself everyday. I'm sure everyone here can relate to feeling this way at some point or another. I just really want to feel good about myself and not worry about my skin so much. I know I have a problem with perfection and probably BDD. Maybe I will look into therapy. (which I have done before) Either way, I am still hiding from life in my apartment. Hopefully I can get some cleaning done today. At least with my boyfriend being here today I won't touch my skin mindlessly or park myself in the bathroom scanning my skin every 30 minutes! I guess that's all for now, maybe I will update again later today if anything new comes up.

overcomingshame

overcomingshame

06/05/2011

 

Day 2-skin looking like crap!

Saturday morning, sunny and gorgeous but I am stuck inside covered in scabs. Ugh. FML. Not only are my scabs big and red, but they seem like are gonna take forever to heal and fall off. My skin is also getting really dry, especially on my lips, but still oily on my nose and forehead. I don't want to do any sort of scrubbing, because it might tear off the healing scabs and it also seems to make me break out when I do so. I think my skin seriously hates me sometimes. (I'm sure everyone here thinks the same thing!) I am usually really good about not touching my face, but lately I can't keep my fingers away. I messed with a little forming zit under my lip and now it is very small scab too. Why can't I stop this? If I keep this up I will never be able to leave my apartment! I guess I just find my acne (Whiteheads and close comedones) to be incredibly disgusting and can't stand to see or feel them on my face. Obviously huge scabs are more disgusting than zits, but that is how my fucked up mind works. I am just OCD about my skin and feel like I can control the pimples. Who knows how long they will take to go away, and whiteheads are just so easy to get rid of. I just think that I need to be aware of my picking triggers. Feeling greasy and dirty, being tired or hungry, and things stressing me out. This past pickfest was because of a big, gross, cystlike lump right above my lip. It hurt to talk and move my mouth and once it formed a head it needed to get the fuck off my face. I figured, hey, this is going to form a scab so why not mess with the rest of my bumps. But today is just another day in healing. I need to start loving my skin and myself. I will cuddle with my boyfriend. I will take a nice shower and put on real clothes to feel human. I will clean the apartment. I will cut my nails short and paint them my nice mint green color. I will move on! That's all for now, gonna start enjoying my day. P.S.-hope that damn BHA arrives soon. If my skin clears up there won't be crap to pick at.

overcomingshame

overcomingshame

06/04/2011

 

Blah!

Day 1 of my blog thingy! Hello all. Today is the first entry of my blog about my acne and skin picking problems. I'm 23 and have been dealing with acne since I was 15. It has ruined my self-esteem and affected my ability to be who I want to be. I have tried everything under the sun to combat my acne, including accutane in high school. It really cleared me up, but then I became super depressed so I stopped taking it. A few weeks ago I went to a dermatologist to figure out what to do. I was getting super oily and breaking out in little clear bumps all over my forehead and my whiteheads were getting out of control. She said, "your skin looks good, what are you talking about?" *Lifts bangs and removes glasses* Ya, it looked like shit. My concealer must have been great everywhere else (Makeup Forever Full Cover Concealer-extremely pigmented and a little goes a long way! ). Anyways, we discussed hormones and she prescribed me YAZ and Spirolactone. My period was a ways off so I started the Spiro and it made me pee constantly and my boobs hurt so bad and felt even bigger (I'm already size 5 and a DD, so the thought of bigger boobs was killing me!) After a week my skin felt oilier and was exploding with zits and cysts, which I never had before. Oh hell no. I know there is an initial breakout, but I couldn't deal with the cysts so I stopped taking it. That being said I popped the shit out of my face yesterday and today my skin is covered in scabs and red marks. I cried my eyes out last night. I'm hiding in my apartment and skipping work. Started the Yaz yesterday and awaiting the arrival of my Paula's Choice 2% BHA to combat those closed comedones i get all over my upper lip and by my nose. Until that arrives my current regimen is: Purpose Gentle Cleaning Wash/Occasional gentle exfoliation with baking soda
Cetaphil Moisturizer where needed
Yaz BCP
Spot treat with BP and Burts Bees Tea Tree Stick at night
Milk of Magnesia Masks to combat oiliness
No dairy, limited sugar, no caffeine, lots of water, high omega 3 foods, clean diet
Only wear concealer and loose powder on my skin: obsessed with red lipstick too!
Trying to be extra careful when washing because of the scabs. I want them to stay scabby and fall off on their own. I look like a monster, but its my own doing. Birth control has cleared me up before so I hope this works. I really need stop analyzing my face for flaws and picking apart my zits. I struggle with this skin OCD, and I really want to be free from thinking about my skin 382283741 times a day. If this doesn't work, I will go back to the derm for other ideas, maybe topicals or accutane, although my skin is not bad enough for that. I want to enjoy my summer, make money at work, feel beautiful, go out on dates with my boyfriend, and be free. I guess that is all for now. Hope this BHA arrives soon! Much Love

overcomingshame

overcomingshame

06/03/2011

Last Reply:
06/05/2011

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