My skin has been bad before. I have had breakouts and I have wanted to cover every mirror in the house. I've had that; it's nothing new to me.
But now it's really bad; I am having overnight breakouts every weekend. I wake up with four or five new spots on my face, and they're really painful and angry. I went to the doctor last week and went back on the contraceptive pill (Yasmin) and I was beginning to get hopeful that I was over the worst of it, but yesterday I had another break out; four spots in a line down my face. The only area of my face that is quite clear is my forehead which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever as about a month ago, that was covered! The ones near my jawline, at the bottom of my cheeks- they're the ones that get me down the most. Not only because they're painful, but they're so red and take ages to disappear!
I'm dreading work tomorrow, and this guy has asked me to the pub on Wednesday and I said yes, because I thought my skin would be better by now, but it's not! It's just getting worse!
I hate the way it makes me feel; the changes to my mood, and how I don't want to come out of my room. I hate crying, I hate lying to people and saying I can't go out with them because I'm busy, whereas it's because I don't want them to see my face. I hate the fact I've been suffering since I was fourteen. I hate how I always think 'it will be better in a year'. I hate that I can't do my own make-up because I'll cry and not go out. I hate how it makes me lazy because I don't want to do anything. I hate that all I want to do every day is go home and take my make-up off. I hate how I've spent a shed load of money on treatments that don't even fecking work. I hate that I try so hard and it just gets worse, whereas lots of people without acne treat their bodies badly and get away with it. I hate the spots on my chest. I hate buying lovely new clothes and feeling like I don't deserve to wear them.
I hate how the years are going by without a cure. I hate how I'm in bed right now with the curtains closed and it's lovely and sunny outside, but I can't bring myself to get up, go for a shower and feel all of the bumps on my face. I hate struggling to look people in the eye. I hate how I'm the only one of my friends whose skin has sucked for such a long time. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate showering twice a day because I want my skin to be as clean as possible- as if that will help. I hate who this makes me become. I HATE ACNE.
That overwhelming feeling of disappointment when you feel the pain of another freaking spot beginning to form on your face. The question 'Will this ever stop?' enters your mind, and you're suddenly both livid and deflated.
Do you think they get lonely? One is never enough; they have to summon their friends to join them on another part of your face. It sucks. Symmetrical spots are amongst the worst. Are they hormonal? I don't know. But right now I have two symmetrical spots on opposite cheeks, and I just look so bloody stupid. To add insult to injury, they hurt. All of them do lately. Arrrrrrgh.
Noticeable improvement. Trying not to be too excited about it getting better, as I'm 'still waiting for the rain to fall', as Amy Lee so poetically phrased that particular feeling.
There are a few scars. Not from me scratching at my face, etc. but I think probably from the Benzoyl Peroxide. I am being patient with those marks, and so they're less angry every day.
It's easier to look people in the eye now. Like people at work, customers, and even my cute boss.
There is some dryness in areas, which is to be expected, and I now understand why y'all who are following the regime are meant to use 2.5%-5% B.P. I'm using 5% right now, and I'm glad of it.
I've not been drinking much water recently. On average, I'll have about half a litre a day, which really isn't much when you think about it. I'll try and drink water at work, and at the other place I work I drank three pints of the stuff last night.
So, that's my target over the next week-- to get back into the habit of drinking a healthy amount of water. And then when it's a bit better, I'm going to wear a pretty dress and do my nails.
Today, there is an improvement in my face. Not a huge one, but signs of progress are beginning to show as a result of the Benzoyl Peroxide as well as the Clinique.
Of course, not everything is good. My face feels tight today, thanks to the Clinique and the Clearasil face wash I used a few days ago. I never learn! Every time I use that stuff- perhaps twice a year when my skin really sucks- the area around my mouth and chin becomes very dry and uncomfortable. So, I'm not touching that stuff again. I mean it this time!
I had a small break-out overnight, also. Just a few small spots on my nose, and above my lip. That, I have read on this very website, is a normal reaction to the BP, and so I wasn't too down about it.
One of the (many, many) things I hate about acne is its effect on almost everything else. My social life, firstly. I let it get to me that much on Friday that I told a guy who had asked me to go to the pub that I was busy. Yes, I've let it make me feel that way, and I know I shouldn't, but anyone who has ever had acne will know how difficult it is to face the world and carry on with life as normal, without being afraid to look people in the eye, and wanting to keep your distance so you don't have to wonder if they notice every single blemish and find you repulsive.
I also feel as if I can't wear nice clothes when my acne is bad. I guess the mind-set there is that no matter how smart/nice my clothes are, they can't compensate for the state of my face. A couple of weeks ago, I bought a beautiful aubergine dress and I would love to wear it to work instead of just wearing trousers all the time. But I feel I can't, and I know it would just look ridiculous whilst I'm looking/feeling like this. I'd be interested to know if many others feel this way.
Also, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it ) my boss is really gorgeous, which makes conversations with him very difficult on a daily basis, when all I want to do is sit in my office alone and occasionally wave to passers by at a distance. When I speak to people who stand/sit close to me, I feel sorry for them, that they have to be exposed to my face. This is probably sounding nuts, isn't it? Haha. Well, I'm going to stop for now. Will post tomorrow-- hopefully my skin is looking a little more hydrated, then! Stay away from Clearasil!
So, today I started on Benzoyl Peroxide. My mum went to the chemist and bought me some 5% stuff, because I sort of feel like I'm in limbo. When I visit my GP next week, I will ask for 10%.
I'm not entirely sure about the real reason for this big breakout. I know my skin hasn't been this bad in a very long time- and when there has been an invasion of spots, they haven't been- I don't know- this... distruptive. Last week I was very stressed out, and I didn't help myself, because I couldn't shake off my thoughts of work, and the decision I'm going to have to make very soon. The crying didn't help, nor did the putting on make-up every day, simply because I felt I needed to get out of the house. So, stress has to be a contributing factor.
Hormones are another. Definitely. The acne is symmetrical, a cluster at the top of my cheekbones, and around my mouth. It seems to collate on my lower cheeks, leaving dark scars in its wake.
I have been using Clinique's Anti Blemish range for three days now. I don't expect a miracle healing, as I have used this before and know it can take a while. The first time I used it was in the shop itself; the assistant took off my make-up (much to my own embarrassment), and applied the cleansing foam, toner and moisturiser, before applying a light foundation to my very distressed skin. My skin is sensitive, and therefore took a while to adapt to this new set of chemicals on it every day. But it got better. I must have been maybe sixteen then, and I ran out and didn't buy more. By that time I was on the contraceptive pill Yasmin, and I think things were working out. I don't really remember all that well. It's difficult to remember a time when I thought my skin was good.
So, I'm hoping that the Anti Blemish Solutions takes effect. And when I ask for the contraceptive pill next week, I realise things will likely get worse before they get better. That's only natural.
As soon as everything has calmed down a bit, and I get a day to myself, I'm definitely going to be purchasing Clinique's Anti-Blemish foundation and concealer. I'm going to do things properly this time.