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A is for Adolescence and Accutane

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Day 316. Nearly 3 months post-accutane

I've been apathetic updating this blog and started off so keen to write frequently, but failed to sustain enthusiasm. Anyway, update on my skin: looking pretty good, contented where I am right now, though still ghostly pale with lightly red stained cheeks, distinct faint markings signifying the remnants of the past volcanic patches that inhabited my cheeks and neck. On my neck I've got really noticeable red markings where I had big coin sized cysts inhabiting the side of my neck. Though I may moan and whimper dejected at the fact my mirror doesn't reflect an Adonis when I consciously stand in front of it I console myself with the thought that I'm not a vapid, humourless cretin but a person who has some opinions. I was staring at my reflection for an inappropriate amount of time today. As I attempted to avoid all mirrors and shiny reflective surfaces in public and private, when I would be dejected and zapped of confidence if I but caught a glimpse of what was in my mind a monstrous apparition that was popped on my neck, conditioned myself to not fixate eyes with my reflection for longer than I would with a stranger. This remarkably has helped me get by. But today I felt was time for a close examination of progress, which has done little for my confidence; though I did look at myself in the harshest possible light which I suppose at the beginning of the Summer still would have made me itchy and yet found bearable today, so there has been some progress, I guess. Been feeling rotten for weeks now as well, suffering from a relentless cold. But it's not all bad in my life. Good news--I got into University to study English and will be off from home in less than a couple weeks! Though there are momentary lapses in my confidence I feel that I've an abundance of confidence to settle in, and on reflection feel very good to be starting now as I feel my mind is at peace just enough during the day to get by, to persevere. I've ruminated on whether I've gained anything positive from this roller-coater of hysteria, as I described it, and think can sincerely say yes. Recently through light philosophic bite-sized reflection I've come to the conclusion that enduring and satisfying confidence the truest definition of confidence is to have confidence in your beliefs. To discover indubitable truths and be able to rationally defend your claims of their certainty, to know thyself, to be able to look into the darkest corners of your own soul, examine your values is the key to confidence. Through feeling hideous I've ironically become more confident in myself, as I grew increasingly contemptuous of the superficial which surrounded me my thoughts naturally turned inwards and I focussed more on my insides, because it really is what's inside your head, that squidgy pink fleshy organ between your ears that is essentially the most pleasurable organ and useful. Lots of love. X

goldmund18

goldmund18

09/11/2011

 

Ooops. Run Out of medication for a month. Day 243

Run out of medication because my Dermatology Clinic rescheduled my appointment because they were very busy. So, been without any medication since beginning of the month. Fortunately my acne was already cleared up, except for a couple spots now and then on my back. Acne hasn't got worse and my skin isn't dry any more so feeling good. Had an appointment with dermatologist yesterday and expressed my anxiety for the acne coming back. He was attentive and helpful, though I didn't get what I wanted which was to stay on the medication for a couple of months at 60mg a day was given some medication; as I had already been off the medication for a while he didn't think it was a good idea to go back on it again having had a long interruption in my course. So, instead he prescribed me 6 weeks worth of medication at 60mg a day to be taken over 6 months, intermittently 1 week on then 3 weeks off. He thought that this was the best course of action. I haven't heard any cases of people using this intermittent method of medicating but God willing it's effective (and I'm an Atheist). I Finished my exams which went well (I hope)! So on holidays now for 3 months.! At a point now where think I'm supposed to say, WOW! (WOW!) WOW! The last 7 months of my life went by so fast. Well, it didn't, thinking about it can go by in a blink of an eye, but if I recall correctly it was a slow self-loathing, self-handicapping, self-deprecating, circus of hysteria, desperation, and turmoil. But it's all part of growing up I guess. I'm confident now anyway. A couple tips for anyone starting to combat their acne. Don't expect anything to make you beautiful over night, as like the old tip not to trust anyone who tells you they can make you rich overnight, do not trust anyone who say's they can give you clear skin over night, it's not going to happen, don't expect your acne to be gone in days, weeks, months. Another tip is to try and be contented with yourself early on because the sooner you accept that you don't look hideous life will be a whole lot easier, not everyone has perfect skin, after you've finished your course your skin may be like mine, still not perfect; light red marks around my cheeks and neck from where my acne was really aggressive, uneven skin tone, ghost pale because you have to avoid the Sun on the medication. But, I'm confident honestly, for a long time I felt like my acne would hold me back from relationships but don't any more, and know it really has little impact. So, just get out. As Woody Allen put it,

goldmund18

goldmund18

06/30/2011

 

Day 203. meh

I'm now 19! Skin is glowing! But my neck still isn't clear, and my complexion isn't even, and texture not totally smooth, blah-blah-blah--Whatever, right? Well... I know as you probably know it's easier in theory to not let such minor, superficial imperfections bother you, but it is difficult still even now despite the huge transformation I've made. Got a haircut a couple of weeks ago and I'm feeling a lot more confident, but I still have moments where I become obssesive about the tone, texture, complexion, dryness, size of my pores, etc. I find I must restrain myself from staring in the mirror for too long, as my pores appear to grow larger and larger untill I see craters in my face that didn't exist before. 'Bloody Hell!' I'll exclaim and furiously bite my thumb. Oh, and I found the perfect moisturisrising combination to rid me of my flaky skin. I moisturise first with a generous amount of aloe vera gel, then dab my fingers with vaseline and gently spread all over my face and neck. By applying the vaseline afterwards I find my skin doesn't feel tight like I'm wearing a mask. Avoiding the skin around the eyes becuase you that creates an unattractive glaze. It's easy to apply to much vaseline causing your face to shine like a beacon, and feel greasy, so if I do overdo it I simply dab my face softly on a dry cotton towel and my face is no longer shiny. If you have flaky skin I hope you will find this tip usefull. I'm not certain if it was an original idea on my part, but I do remember desperately looking for suggestions on this site for an effective moisturiser for my relentlessly flaky skin, Aloe gel and vaseline came up often seperately, and well in my desperation I geuss I just started plastering all the moisturiser I had onto my face. Most users on this site recommend you only use these products at night because of the shine However, it depends I think on how dry your skin is; the following advice works for me as I'm on accutane I find that even a thick layer of vaseline will absorb into my skin within a few hours and my skin still may even feel a litlle dry. So, of course just follow your own common sense. Even as I am writing this entry I am scratching at my neck becuase I find even the slightest movemnt in craning irritates the acne which compells me to scratch and feel what or where the problem is. Every time I try to forget the sharp pang presses a thorn in my brain which compels me to scratch, which I shouldn't causing me distress for not being able to resist my irrational urge. Alas, I ramble on, perhaps because it is late and I've nothing better to do, perhaps I'm gripped in a mild hysteria, had too much coffee and now have an abundance of energy which I'm using to spew out my internal monologue in a way that's relevant to what I previously wrote, which was about itchy skin. If I go on any futher, and waffle any longer you will no doubt exit the page. On a final note I implore that you read my blog without objectivity and judge the author any which way you see fit but remember that I'm a real human being with feelings just like you, and these feeling expressed here are sincere, for with the complete anonynimity I have I cannot see why I would need to conceal my true emotions.

goldmund18

goldmund18

05/22/2011

 

Day 182. Prozac overdose

My acne is getting better but progress has been slow, still pretty much where I was in my last post, where my face was clear but my neck was swollen with red painful cysts, which is where I am now. But I've kept my hair long to cover most of my neck so it doesn't bother me too much. I'm still on a 60mg dose of Accutane. I've decided as of yesterday to increase my prozac dose from 40mg to 60mg because I still feel anxious, and awkward, and most of all frustrated because of how slow the progress I'm making is. Exams are coming up in the next few weeks and I really need to focus, to get on with revision, and not worry about Acne. Also I'm trying to lose weight by a combination of rowing and running until my legs feel like jelly. And giving up smoking: maybe? Hopefully the exercise with the lack of tar warming my lungs I will feel happier and my skin will improve slightly. I hope so!

goldmund18

goldmund18

04/30/2011

 

Day 152

I am still not completely rid of my acne. My face is totally clear which is amazing, but on my neck and back I still have very red and painful cysts. I'm slightly dissapointed that I'm not completely clear of my acne coming up to month 6, but many dermatologists have told me that this is normal and that most people are not completely clear by the end of month 6. I think it is worth keeping in mind that I started on very low doses, 10mg for the first month, 20mg the second, 30 the third, 40 the fourth and fifth months, and on the 23/03 I increased my dosage to 60 mg as I approach month 6. For my body weight which is over 80mg this progression for increasing my dose has been very slow. Emotionally I'm a little melancholic but my humour is better than ever and getting through the daily grind is so much easier. I rarely feel the intense anxiety I felt constantly at the beginning of my journey, when there were times I felt so hideous I couldn't bear going outside. But now I am relatively comfortable and go about my day fairly painlessly. I am doing well academically having received offers from some good Uni's to study English in Septembre and I'm on track preparing for my exams. Though I have many days where I will accomplish nothing, laziness will get the better of me and I won't lift my pen the whole day. I find it easier to concentrate with the increase of confidence I have gained as my acne has cleared up. I have been comfort eating and it has really helped a lot with my anxiety but I've put on an astonishing amount of weight since I started taking Accutane. I've gone from an athletic build to FAT. I used to run 800m on track and now I'm a porker. But at least my skins clear, fat is easy to get rid of whereas acne sticks with you like super glue. www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5je_eK0V1w Peace

goldmund18

goldmund18

03/31/2011

Last Reply:
03/31/2011

 

Day 109

109 days into my Accutane treatment and I'm still not totally clear. Feeling disappointed but still hopeful for the future at the same time. I have confidence that I will be clear, in only another couple of months I hope. The storm I mentioned a month ago turned out to be a mirage, the storm disappeared. I have increased my dose to 40mg. My skin and lips are even more dry and I'm still getting painful large cysts on my neck but they're smaller, and I don't get so many as frequently as I used to. So it's clear to me that my acne is subsiding because of the reduction of oil production on my skin which happens to come with mildly irritating side-effects: as my skin gets dry, and flaky, my lips become so chapped and sore they crack and bleed, if I don't use lib balm every hour or so. Drinking alcohol is fine but I feel awful in the morning and have a pounding headache if I had gotten so drunk that the walls around me were dizzy. Otherwise I'm healthy and okay (for now).

goldmund18

goldmund18

02/16/2011

 

A few bumbs on the way...

My acne has gotten worse, I've got huge cysts popping up on my neck, everywhere, mostly at the back of my neck, running down my lower back. It hurts like hell to crane my neck side to side. This one cyst I have on the left side of my neck, is coin size, and red, swollen, very painful to touch. Tried to pop it, but nothing really came up, because, it's not really puss-filled, which is weird, getting these cysts that don't have any gunk, so, just leave them alone and they eventually flatten out, getting really dry, because of the Accutane. I'm frustrated, overall the medication is working, my skin is improving, but, getting these awful painful cysts far worse than I did before. I hoped that I would continue to make steady progress, but now I'm starting to feel like there might be a storm ahead, a terrifying storm cloud looms on the horizon, causing in me a dread, drowning out happy thoughts, in anticipation for despair. Must remember to keep lip balm in my pockets because my lips keep getting more, and more chapped. Peace Goldmund

goldmund18

goldmund18

01/17/2011

 

Month 2. Day 69

Went to my dermatology clinic today, saw a new dermatologist who has increased my dose to 30mg a day. My blood reports are all good despite having over-indulged on chocolate and alcohol and cigarettes over the Christmas season. My Acne has significantly improved and so has my confidence, as acne has been a big confidence drainer for me. I still hate my photo being taken and squirm inside under the really strong fluorescent lighting you find in convenience stores. But, I feel a lot more confident now than I did a month ago, and my friends and family have pointed out that I appear to be happier which pleases me because I do genuinely feel happier, not contented but whoever living is? Finding solace in music especially classical music, it's not everyone's cup of tea, but, I love it and it helps me keep my head raised high and to walk with a spring in my step. Making steady progress with Accutane, the light at the end of the tunnel is becoming clearer and clearer a little day by day. My skin is not dry at all except for my hands but that's because I've always had eczema on my hands. Lips are dry of course, have to moisturise every hour or so, especially when I'm outdoors. My acne has cleared up, less smaller spots everywhere but still getting those big nasty cysts mostly popping up around my back, neck, jawline area, and there's no getting rid of the bastards. Overall, it's all good, lots of happy pills,chocolate and coffee. Got lots of exams so lots of sleeping to do. Peace Goldmund

goldmund18

goldmund18

01/07/2011

 

Kings and Philosphers...

I like this quote because it's a postive thought (though a bit vulgar) when your self-esteem is low. I feel it's important to remember that even the King who sits upon the highest throne has to poop. What more is there to say - the magics in the image. It's easy to get carried away believing that others are more important than us, though we are all equal when it comes to the basic physiological functions of the body. Letting out a cacophony of farts at a dinner party is not the end of the world, and certainly not a good enough reason to kill oneself. It is often the case that it simply happens that we fart and fail to conceal the discordant noise, much to our embarasment. Lately I have been feeling blue, and frustrated because I fail to take my own advice. But, it's easier to convince others than yourself, right? I think so, well it is for me. That's why I abhor those new age self-help books, becuase most of the time I fail to believe the authors actually convinced themselves of their own advice? Do you follow me? Probably not. Don't take any advice from me, is what I'm saying.

goldmund18

goldmund18

12/08/2010

 

1 Month. Day 31!

Into my first month and my skin has noticeably improved. Not much too report on the progress I'm making. It's been slow but I can say the medication is definitely working and that I feel it will clear me up in no time, considering how long I've had acne, a few months isn't a long time at all. From 6 months on 1 antibiotic to 6 months on the next that didn't work. Well, they all worked to an extent but even when I did start to become clearer they would stop having an effect, making my life an emotional roller-coaster. Accutane has the lowest relapse rate for acne than any other medication out there. 50% of people become immune to the antibiotics. Given that I wasn't seeing any improvement with the antibiotics Accutane seemed the obvious route to go down, and I'm so glad now that I did take this route. A lot of people talk of an IB, so far I haven't seen my acne worsen and so am very relieved. However I was on a low dose. Though my dose has increased now to 20mg a day, since I saw my dermatologist 2 days ago. I've only taken 20mg 3 times, 60mg in the last 72 hours but so far no IB. I am confident that I should be fine and keep getting better as this is still a low dose especially for my body weight, weighing around 80kg. Changed my body wash, the mint and tea-tree shower gel I used was too rough for my body, as skin is becoming more dry and delicate now using a cream wash prescribed by my dermatologist called Durmol (which you've probably never heard of as I live in London). It's nice and gentle. Oh and getting a lot of acne in weird places, like on my arse cheeks, behind my thighs, weird. Always get the odd spot - like in the middle of my eye! (joke), but it's been a bit more frequent. Peace Goldmund

goldmund18

goldmund18

12/02/2010

Last Reply:
12/03/2010

 

Day 25. Nose Bleed

Woke up with a nose bleed. The Cetaphil gentle skin cleanser I ordered from Amazon arrived today. It's the third purchase I've made, never stuck with a facial cleanser longer than this.

goldmund18

goldmund18

11/27/2010

 

Day 24. Blood Tests

It's my brothers birthday and have had a wonderful (minus constant antagonising) time with my dysfunctional separated family, who save 1 sister all got together for a few hours to celebrate. My skin is looking worse. I think it's because my skin is getting so dry and am not using moisturiser. Used Aloe Vera gel yesterday evening and that has helped significantly, and didn't break me out so will continue using it sparingly. Don't want to wear it during the day, as have done before because it makes my skin feel tight and look shiny, want the opposite effect. Need a more effective lip moisturiser, everyone raves about aquaphor, but unfortunately like many other products highly rated on this site can't be found in London. Ordering online is expensive. Student (Yawn). It could just be that I'm scrutinising every flaw and imperfection as I'm desperate to make steady progress, to increase my dose. I just want to keep making progress, the past few days have seen little and my face looks worse because it's getting dry and flaky, spots look more red. I have noticed that my forehead looks a little bumby, which is distressing as I've only had the odd spot here and there for months now. Got my monthly blood check today. Appointment with my lovely dermatologist on Monday. Overall it's not too bad.

goldmund18

goldmund18

11/26/2010

Last Reply:
11/27/2010

 

Week 3. Subtly more happy

Into week 3 on Accutane and I have made significant progress this week! There are less cysts, well most of the red painful cysts that I had on my back and neck have sunk. My skin is more sensitive, finding I flare up easily, like the gentle friction from the straps of the bags I carry on my shoulders, will irritate a cyst on my back causing it to become more swollen and painful to the touch by the end of the day. Skin is dry but not dry enough that I really need to use moisturiser, though contemplating that I should. The blackheads that made my nose irresistible to not scratch have stopped itching, and those blackheads appear to be packing up. Just washed my face and skin felt smoother than ever! Splashing the face with cool water on clear smooth skin makes my heart glow and swell a thousand times its size. My face is far from the platonic ideal of perfection but I am enchanted, my spirit overspills with the hope that I will one day stroke my face and it will feel like silk. Confidence is improving, less anxious, excited to see my dermatologist in 5 days to increase my dose. Not feeling super tired like I was in the first 2 weeks. Using more and more lip balm every day. Saw the new Harry Potter film this afternoon which was fantastic. It's really exciting and the plot takes part mostly in the cold outdoors, and incredibly you really feel the cold, and the settings are stunning. Love Goldmund

goldmund18

goldmund18

11/23/2010

 

Day 19

My skin is so dry right now that it hurts to open my mouth too wide. Farewell tasty sandwich.

goldmund18

goldmund18

11/21/2010

 

Day 18. For Personal Reference

I'm on day 18 of taking Accutane and positive right now. See my lovely dermatologist in 9 days on the 29th! Hopefully she will (well fairly confident she will) up my dose, don't know what to. But keen on getting treatment in motion. Want to blitz my treatment, to be over with it as soon as possible.

goldmund18

goldmund18

11/20/2010

 

Shut the Blogg Up!

I stood under the long cold cylindrical dirty sterile light of my mom's filthy kitchen. Mom leaned in close to examine my face like a human telescope adjusting her field of vision. My little sister craned her long little neck from behind her like a meerkat searching the horizon for predators. Mom said 'your skin has definitely improved...There's only a few pimples here and there' pointing here and there with her leathery evil finger like my face was a geography map. Sister interrupted her and said 'yehh, its mostly just...red'. Play me out Rolling Stones, Paint It, Black! Have a lot of hyper-pigmentation from acne. It isn't really too visible under gentle light, only those fluorescent lights make my face light up real horror show. Also High-Definition camera-recorders are evil. Looking at myself in the small LCD screen I think that this is how Dorian Gray must have felt looking at his portrait that he kept hidden, because it was too awful to look at, revealing all of his imperfections and flaws that never harmed him but instead were inflicted on his portrait. The faint fading red marks are more than bearable though, and keeping my head up because after all the red marks are a reminder of a time a lot more painful.

goldmund18

goldmund18

11/17/2010

 

Week 2 on Accutane!

So it's been 2 weeks on Accutane 10mg. 1 month since I started blogging and I'm happier than I've been in a long time. My skin has significantly improved in texture and the amount of active acne I have is reduced. My skin is starting to get drier but only really in the areas where I have active acne. Skin is less oily. Last night and this morning all I did was splash cool water on my skin and my skin is fine. Less itchy than it was before. Using 'cetaphil' gentle cleanser for face and 'original source' mint and tea-tree shower gel for the body, love both of these products, not using anything other than that to cleanse with. And keeping it simple has helped, I believe in being as gentle as possible with the skin, acne is a problem that comes from the inside the skin not outside and you can't simply scrub it away, I've tried... plenty of times! Leaving the skin to heal on its own is sometimes the best way to go, at least it has been for me over the past 2 weeks. Using a lot of lip balm. My back and back of neck are the worse areas right now. I've broken out with more cysts than when I started! But nobody can see that anyway so not letting it bother me too much. I didn't really expect any significant improvement after 2 weeks so I'm ecstatic that progress has been so amazing. Hope next two weeks will see more improvement. Took a personal day for myself from College and feel refreshed now, was starting to feel more socailly anxious than usual so just rested for the day. I just sleep for a while when I get too overwhelmed. Peace Goldmund

goldmund18

goldmund18

11/16/2010

Last Reply:
11/17/2010

 

Day 13. The Momentum of Change

Jim Harrison, Julip This is the opening quote from the chapter 'The Momentum of Change' in the novel 'Candy' written by Luke Davies that was translated into a film starring Heath Ledger and Abbie Cornish who play two lovers caught in a devastating love triangle with, well, let's call her H. You can watch the trailer on the link below. www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi3367764249/ The quote has really stuck with me, like a splinter in the back of my mind permanently lodged in their. Today I gazed upon the Sun as it was beginning to set, it looked like a magnificent white glowing disk throbbing suddenly and eating up my eyes. It was beautiful absorbed in that moment, briefly nothing else mattered. Moments like this are what we live for. But a lot of the time I'm just suffocating in the tick-tocks of time and rarely ever manage to spread myself out like an ocean, barely even a puddle. ...Whatever...(yawn)

goldmund18

goldmund18

11/15/2010

 

Day 12. Flaky nose

My nose is very dry and the skin is flaking especially at the corners, the whole of my t-zone is starting to become drier, some blackheads on my nose but it's not too noticeable. I have an irresistible urge to scratch my nose. It doesn't hurt to smile any more which makes me ecstatic. When people told me to smile because they thought I was sad, well I was, but the point was it hurt to smile - that was a really bitter experience. Made me feel so socially awkward. Now I am feeling more confident having less pimples around chin and mouth...errg! I have found that spending time with my family really helps my self-esteem. Realising how vital it is to have family or close friends who will always love you, no matter how much your appearance changes, that there love and support for you is always there restores in you all the confidence you need to get through the worse of times. Spending too much time isolated can really make you feel a lot worse and drag you deeper into the depths of misery's well. Love Goldmund

goldmund18

goldmund18

11/14/2010

Last Reply:
11/15/2010

 

Day 10. Got a haircut

Today I got a haircut, well actually... I got all my hairs cut. I like it its short on the sides (not shaved though) and back and long on the top and longer on the fringe. My hair is naturally wavy so try to accentuate this feature. I have very big ears so need long hair to create the illusion of having normal sized ears, instead of ears like the buddah. The experience wasn't as excruciatingly painful as I thought it would be. Having always hated getting my haircut from a young age as my parents always insisted on it being very short to save money, and I always wanted to keep it long. But anyway now that I go on my own its still traumatic because it feels so intimate to have your hair cut, sitting in front of a mirror for 20 minutes while someone cuts off your hair - hair that brings immense joy to your life, it is for me. I may not have perfect skin but I love my gorgeous hair. I sit dead still in the cold chair but I'm squirming like a worm that's been cut in half on the inside. Happy with the haircut though and the price as I paid a quarter of the price to my last haircut, going to a barbers instead of a salon with a stupid name, and my haircuts just as good! Nothing much to report on the progress of accutane, still have some painfull red cysts on my face and back. My forehead is clear as marble though and the texture of my skin is a lot smoother all over, spots healing faster. Making good progress. Lips are getting more chapped every day, my skin is not too dry, the eczema on my hands has been kept under control with vaseline hand lotion, if anything I would say the condition of my hands has improved! Everything is stable enough in my life, not depressed in fact increasingly optimistic day by day, gradually healing outside and inside. Keeping off the booze and fags and drugs because as Mr Mackey from South Park elementary school explains, drugs, are bad. www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCDnR6Px-co&feature=related That's right they are. Still listening to Radiohead but making steady progress. Peace Goldmund

goldmund18

goldmund18

11/12/2010

 

Day 8. Prozac Nation

I watched Prozac Nation yesterday - the film adaptation of bratty depressed Wurtzel's memoirs. www.thecrimson.com/article/1994/9/29/prozac-nation-elizabeth-wurtzels-unofficial-guide/ I didn't write that review but its good. Reading the novel or watching the film will in no way help you if you suffer from depression, take it from someone who's been (is sort of) depressed. But, it is worth watching if you're into whining about everything and being self-obsessed constantly like me (not really [but maybe a bit] though) sometimes. The film did remind me of how absolutely perfect that song 'Perfect Day' is by Lou Reed that I'm listening to now.

goldmund18

goldmund18

11/10/2010

 

Week 1 on Accutane!

I've been very good this week and have not had any fags or booze, eating less cake and chocolate, and water - drinking lots of water, and taking a multivitamin and zinc supplement every day. This week has been a slow week. Not having any booze was difficult but it should get easier. My skin and lips are considerably drier, using carmex lip balm for lips but don't need any moisturiser for face just yet. So spots are drying up and scabbing...errgh! Telling myself that all the odd spots popping up are because my body needs to adjust to the medication, and right now it's like arrrgh...what's going on? (sort of thing). It hurts to smile, happy enough though, not depressed - sad now and then but not depressed. College is going well though I can lack motivation for a whole day I'm keeping up with everything. Overall it's all good.

goldmund18

goldmund18

11/09/2010

Last Reply:
11/10/2010

 

5th day on Accutane

I've been feeling sluggish lately. Last night I went to bed early and slept for a long time like a log through Guy-Fawkes night, with fireworks screeching before exploding all around me, everywhere! This is unusual for me as I usually suffer from insufferable insomnia, hopefully this will pass as I don't like feeling tired early in the day, it feels unusual and that frightens me. My heart beats slower, so slow I worry that my ticker will stop ticking in my sleep. Hopefully this will pass. I have had a similar experience to this before when I took mirtazipine - anxiety relieving medication. For the first 2-4 weeks I slept an average of 14 hours a day, but the sedative effect subsided substantially afterwards and my sleeping pattern returned to normal-ish (for an adolescent). So, hope it will be like this. Have had no initial breakout, feel my skin and hair is less oily, but nothing major. Still breaking out mostly on my face, but also on my back, got some painful cysts on my back and one really red cyst on my chin area and a few smaller cluster of spots in that region. There is always a new spot of bother for me every morning, and when I am nearly clear a few more spots appear the next day! And, this makes me feel blue, and irritable throughout the day. But! I am still feeling optimistic! Can deal with the tiredness. Family memebers have been examining my face, looking for any significant difference, both my parents have said my skin looks better, already! I've examined my face in the mirror, there isn't a significant difference, hopefully will be one of the luck ones though who clears up after a couple of weeks but being on 10mg a day I'm sceptical. Will continue to post, keep updating any signicant events in my accutane journey. Well aware this is just the beginnig and maybe I'll have to go to Hades and back before this is done, but if that's what it takes to obtain the elixir of clear skin, amen. P.S I welcome any comments

goldmund18

goldmund18

11/06/2010

 

2nd day on Accutane. Feeling self-concious?

When I feel self concious I always recall vividly a snippet from the film 'children of men'. It tells the story of a man struggling with life in a nightmarish dystopian future ravished by war, and where women have become infertile. The main character Theo needs help from a powerful friend who saves famous pieces of art work while the world collapses from war. He's escorted in a silver bentley to the Tate Modern gallery in London. On arrival in the foyer he is met by two shaggy greyhounds who lie under a sculpture of a naked youth by Michael Angelo. They greet each other, eat dinner. Finally we get to the vital moment, overlooking the vista of the dining room with picasso's most famous painting 'geurnica' in the backgorund Theo laughs spontaneously, and his friend replies 'what?'. Theo say's 'you kill me, a hundred years from now there won't be one sad fudge to look at any of this, what keeps you going? ...'You know what it is Theo? I just don't think about it'. There lies the secret in that beautifully executed line, in the subtle body language between these two people. When there is something you have no power to change you simply put it out of your mind, let the thought vanish, don't dwell on it. The scene is called Ark of the Arts, the background score is 'The Court of the crimson King' by 'King Crimson'. The film is brilliant, watch the scene! Recently I have been making an effort to avoid examining my face in the mirror. I've spent long enough time looking in mirrors to know that it doesn't help my confidence to simply stare at my reflection, wishing that there was somebody more beautiful staring back at me. We have all felt self-concious which is why I mention this as I believe the only way to cope is 'just don't think about it'. For me avoiding gawping in the mirror and not touching my face really help me to avoid dwelling on my acne, and listening to Mozart or any other piece of music that touches the spirit. Love Goldmund

goldmund18

goldmund18

11/03/2010

 

First day on Accutane

I am so glad to be finally prescribed the accutane. After having tried almost every other alternative including Dan's 'magical' regimen. I persevered with the regimen for a few weeks, but quit because my acne was only getting worse, and my skin was so dry that no amount of moisturiser could make my skin stop constantly flaking like a snow storm. On 10mg a day, 2 5mg capsules to be taken after meals. This feels like a very low dose, the normal starting dose being 20mg. This is only to be super safe, so I don't get an awful initial breakout, or more importantly don't get depressed as I've always suffered bouts of depression. But! Apparently, depression is a very rare side effect, hopefully I'll be one of the lucky majority, but even if I do get depressed...well, hmmm. Anyway I'm optimistic and will carry on making these entry's to record my progress. My lovely dermatologist told me that many of her patients who took the drug reported not feeling themselves, frightening me. IF this does happen at least I can use this diary to refer to my previous selves. Oh...and apparently drugs and alcohol are very bad, so will try to cut these out of my positive new healthy chapter, of the rest of my life (in moderation).

goldmund18

goldmund18

11/02/2010

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