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how do I stop picking & scratching?

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I picked a couple today, It is the most depressing thing because I know I'm not supposed too considering it only creates more problems but it just happens. I want to make the excuse that I have OCD or anxiety, but that doesnt really help. I just really need an answered prayer. Money, financial help, something to get me into the doctor so I can get the right medicine and stop living this life where I am hiding behind a fucking hood all day. It was 71 degrees today here in Chicago and I walked to the train station with my hood over head as far as it goes. I fucking hate the feeling more than anything, but whats even worse is everyone seeing the ridiculous amount of red marks I have on my cheeks and chin. GAHHH!!! anyone got some ideas to help me stop picking or make a quick 400?





October Twenty Fifth

Five days until Halloween, what will I be doing this year? Considering the army of acne winning the territorial battle on my face, probably turn of my phone, sit on my ass and watch the Office. Oh well, maybe next year. Wait a second... that's what I said last year, and the year before that. WAHHH! Don't I sound like a bitch?! Writing to you about my problems and my so called "solution"? Yes, I could sit here and write a sob story, and I could also guarantee no one would care or have the slightest bit of sympathy. That is why its time for a change. We all have dreams and aspirations, but its not like they are unreachable. My thought was that no one would respect me, no one would take me seriously because my face is covered with a red blanket of acne. Its not that I have come to like my acne, or tolerate it, but instead have realized I can (and need to) overcome it. I simply have let my acne be in control, now its my turn to take the wheel. My excuse for being lonely and depressed is because I have yellow nastiness growing beneath my cheeks, and then when I pop the ugly son of a bitch, it surprisingly turns red, thus furthering a never ending cycle?! Give me a break. When I think about it, its actually EASY. You want the life you dream of? Well then take control of it. I can assure you that bitching and moaning all day wont do a damn thing. The next time you look in the mirror, take a second to ask yourself whose in the drivers seat. You? or that red asshole on your face?





A Slow Start: My Bio

I have been trying to stop picking for quite some time now, my face has gotten progressively worse over the years at a slow pace, but somewhat tolerable to me. About 2 and a half months ago I began to have more severe breakouts, deeply rooted cystic acne, so bad that it was painful to smile. When it hurt to smile at a joke, I realized it I was more depressed than I wanted to admit. It tore away at me, destroying any confidence I once had, and ruining my social life overnight. I fear going home to visit my parents because I don’t want to see anybody from my hometown high school. I don’t even want to go to my sister’s house because my niece and nephews stare at the red craters, yellow mountains of puss, blackened deep scars, and my glazed depressed eyes. I cant tell you how bad it hurts to glance over at a classmate, employee, customer, or a person sitting next to me on the train and catch them staring at my red infested face. Unfortunately it’s not the type of pain that heals like a sprained ankle or a stiff neck. This pain has been with me for years, and seemingly years to come at this pace. I have had days where I would call into work so I wouldn't have to deal with customer's reactions to my face, nights when I wouldn’t go to class so the florescent lights don’t sharpen the sight of my acne, calls I would screen so my friends don’t see how bad my acne has worsened. If I did answer, I lied to my friends beautiful faces when they ask me to come out. The first thing that comes to my mind is "what if we end up somewhere with bright lighting? What if I meet a girl I think is amazingly cute and funny, what if I just stayed home instead to avoid being seen?" Then as I get home to "busy" night, I begin to pick and scratch at the face that made my decision, but I only make it worse. Today I stayed home all day, accomplished nothing, and practically starved myself. I woke up, made my beloved coffee and stayed in my room for the next 13hrs so not even my roommates could see my face. I was thirsty for water, but didn’t want to go to the jewel literally steps away because I didn’t want anyone to see my face. I didn’t walk to Subway to get food because I didn’t want people to see me, despite the fact that I haven’t eaten in 36hrs. Instead I layed in bed and day dreamed of having a clear face, an active life, and something other than acne on my mind. I don’t want to go with friends to get Mexican food, a snack at the gas station, or even groceries at jewel. The first thought in my head when thinking of those places are how the bright florescent lights make my acne so apparent. Everyday that I'm required to go to work, I put a low hat on and throw my hood as far forward as it can go so that no one can see my face. I’m hiding in plain sight, but people see it. They look at my face, then look in my eyes and see the pain and the depression, they know exactly why I have my hood up on a 72 degree day. I’m not fooling anyone, but for some reason it gives me small paper thin sheet of confidence. I have easily spent $1000 dollars on acne products when I could be better spending that on rent and food, but those unfortunately aren’t my priority at this time. I have seen a doctor a couple times, but she was the biggest waste of my time and money. A cold and selfish bitch if you ask me, she never once took a minute out of her day to actually examine my problem and give me a solution. I will never forget the first time I saw her. "What are you here for today?" she asked. "I have an acne problem," I replied. "Well, that’s obvious." Thanks Bitch for the helpful observation, glad I’m paying you the big bucks to not give a shit. The medication made a slight improvement, but my insurance coverage was horrible, 30 days and my prescription was up. Over the counter products? Trust me, I have tried it all and none of that stuff works, it just dries my face out until it flakes out. I have been trying to see a dermatologist for the last month but can't seem to save up enough money. I don’t have insurance because the coverage my parents have doesn’t cover anyone over 19, and they don’t have the necessary means to help me get it. I can afford simple plans, but as I look closer they don’t cover any pre-existing problems. Every time I'm about to call up the dermatologist and make an appointment, I either owe rent, have to pay my phone bill, have to put gas in my car, or the always unexpected purchase. I have come to the point where I don’t want to leave my room, no matter how bored or how crazy I go. My face burns, stings, and itches right now and it wont be any different next week because once these zits and cysts are gone, new ones will form. Although extremely depressed, I can assure suicide is not an issue. I would never take the coward’s way out and I know I have a bright future. As far as the time being though, I feel like total shit everyday. When people guess my age, they say 15 or 17. I wish I could go back to those years, when all I had was a simple white head, maybe a pimple on the chin. Now I have 7 months till I turn 21 and my face is full of deep red marks, massive cysts, and seemingly millions of little resilient red marks that wont leave me alone, but at the same time never cease to leave me alone on a saturday night.




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