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Week 15

okay so let me just say that I was severly dissapointed this week when I broke out twice on my chin yes I know it is what all acne fighters dread... a new pimple just when you were hoping you had seen the last... well getting off this depressing subject... once i popped them... which was as soon as I saw them... they were already healing the next day and the day after that there was only a faint red mark!!!! Besides that I am clear... except for the red marks here and there that ARE lessening in redness due to the emu oil! At bball training last week I sorta didnt catch the ball in time and it scraped the skin off my chin... no blood thank goodness... but i had a huge red patch... and then huge flakey parts of skin where it was trying to heal. it was gross... but that has finally ended thank goodness... my lips which are under constant scrutiny by my lip balm are finally bearable... but I now have a rash all the way up both arms.... i still havent had my period... and i notice my hair has been growing a lot faster... and my emotions are slightly unstable... i ended up crying in the shower this morning as I was shaving the hair from above my top lip but all is well that ends well... there is smile on my face now... and confidence that was not there a few weeks back

Thinking back to Day 1 Square 1

Okay so just to put all my guilt out there. I have to tell you guys that I have in fact been taking roaccutane or tane as most like to call it for 12 weeks last monday. Your probably wondering why I have failed to create a blog before now and that was because I was terrified. I didn't want to face the sad state my skin was in and has been in for the past couple of years and I didn't want to face other people. But alas (who on earth uses 'alas' ) after searching through millions of other peoples to see who had a similar experience as mine I decided that just like the rest of you I would be brave. I am 17 years old and my first minor pimple came to light when I was mid-way through year six which was almost seven years ago now. At first it was just a few spots here and there and it was really on again off again until i turned 15 and thats when things started to get nasty. Large pinful cysts anywhere and everywhere they could come up. And believe me they took advantage everytime I touched my skin. I finally managed to control them under the pill and using proactiv until earlier this year when they came back full force. I spent a couple of weeks hiding from everyone and everything until I finally worked up the courage to see a doctor about it who immediately recommended me to the specialist. I had a months wait to see the specialist and it killed me. Just when I was sinking as low as you could into despair my appointment came and I couldn't wait to get started. I am currently at university which makes things alot worse as most people are over the adolescence stage and I feel ugly and insecure also all my friends are asian, and seem to be descended from people with grade A perfect skin which makes me feel even worse. But you guys will be my friends in battle... will you not? I have been keeping a journal of my tane journey and i will post it up and then continue to keep the entries up to date. Any advice, criticism, or encouragement would be appreciated. Thanks

Ominous Day 5

Okay it is now day 5 into my roaccutane treatment and so far I havent seen any improvement... I am so tempted to use a treatment on the spots that are already there as they are painful and do not seem to be fading... It is that time of the month and I only have two emerging spots that I have been able to notice so far which is better than usual.. I don't usually have breakouts on my back but these last fews days the breakouts have been painful and numerous. I have been bad.. and I have succumbed to the urge to pop a few pimples on my face but other than that things have been going okay.. I am also tempted to use something to treat the spots... but as you have probably already been warned you are not supposed to do this. I don't have any symptoms as of yet... no dry lips.. no dry skin... and no dry hair. N.B ARGHHHH so I know these entries are boring but I am just posting whatever my journal says since they were only meant for me to read... trust me they'll get juicier lol


Okay so all of a sudden my skin has broken out like crazy and not only that... my spots are standing out a mile off because they are so red and my skin is shiny as anything... I detected the beginnning of the dry skin and lips this morning before I had a shower >< I guess I will be hiding from everyone for a long while !


Okay so I thought I was breaking out yesterday >< well turns out I had not started to experience anything yet... Now I have! I feel like a walking talking pus machine... and it is killing me... I actually cried this morning when my Dad pointed out just how bad it looked... I could count all the individual pores on my face they are that big.. and I am shiny and oily as anything.. so far have not experience the whole dry skin thing except on my lips... I am set on not leaving the hosue again today... on the plus side though all the ones on my back have cleared up and they are just healing now...hopefully by tomorrow or the next day I encounter some positive results.


Okay so I believe it is day 9 on my accutane journey... and it is terrible!!! Lately I can't even face my own family the initial breakout is that bad... and it is still happening... the old ones don't get a chance to heal before the next lot come along... I know that some people say that they would rather get it all over and done with now and have none... but I think after alot of consideration... I would rather have one every two weeks for the rest of my life... that go through this... Okay so lets have the stats: FACE: well I have 9 on my left cheek, one in between my eyes still but I am pretty sure that it is in the process of healing as I had it before I started the course, There is only one active one on my forehead, and two on my temples, on my right cheek there are two just coming up, and my chin is going okay well its not completely clear but the only things that have been coming up are white heads, and I have one above my lip on the left hand side. BODY: All the ones on my back have healed... but I have one really painful one that has only just come up. SKIN: very oily still.. like being able to be scraped off oily is kind of disgusting. LIPS: dry as anything MOOD: at this stage very pessimistic... cant look anyone in the eye at the moment.. and dont want to see anyone... Hopefully the end of week two brings better days.

DAY 12

WAHHHHH!!! I seriously can't take this anymore... the scars are fading really really slow and before they do there is a brand new one to take its place... My mum tried to get me out of the house this morning and after smothering on tinted moisteriser and foundation I thought I was ready to go... cept you could still see them all because they are so red! anyways i get in the car and I have this mini panic attack in my head about people looking at me in the shops because of my terrible skin >< and I made my mum drop me at home... I can't do it... I'm not ready yet. Okay so my skin is slightly improving all the ones on my cheeks are healing but they are still very red, I have been breaking out on my jaw line which has never happened before and is very very painful, and a few around my hairline and one smack dab in the middle of my forehead... I will be so glad when this initial breakout is over so I can leave my room... and start looking people in the eyes.

DAY 14

So this is the end of the two week mark... and it is safe to say that I am not really feeling the improvement that the dermo said would be noticeable by week two. I mean the breakouts are getting less and less but they are still coming and they are painful and I still have the old scars left over from the past ones. My skin isnt dry yet but my lips are killing me. My back broke out earlier on in the week but they are all dried out now

DAY 17

okay so now this is bordering ridiculous my face is painful and is still breaking out... SO TEMPTED TO JUST GIVE UP AND THROW IT ALL OUT THE WINDOW !


So I decided after much consideration (which to be honest is not much) I decided to stop myself from being overly pessimistic I would turn these entries into weekly ones so perhaps I could see a smidgen more of an improvement. So this week was just as horrible as my last I am still breaking out continuously on the left hand side of my face. Its almost as if the pimples are playing this game where they stack on top of each other to see who will end up on top. It is disgusting and unable to be covered no matter how hard I try... so I simply stopped trying. I actually dread mirrors now which kinda sucks because I have a built in and the doors are mirrors... if only I was a sucky Vampire and then I wouldn't have a reflection to look at ... I still have the ones around my jawline and they are taking forever to fade... completely stubborn one right in the middle of my forehead...all over my temple on my left hand side... my right hand side is relatively clear just a few whiteheads which still annoy the crap out of me because I am longing for clear skin. I also have huge mounds on the sides of my mouths which are not quite pimples but not quite scars either... I stear clear away from sunlight which makes the volcanoes more noticeable thats for sure...Sighhhh ! My lips are already killing me... and so are the bright red marks that I assume are going to stick around for a while... I am really thankful that I am on a six week break from uni... I have four weeks left to see improvement before I have to show my face everyday... the good and the bad...


No improvement plenty of new ones to take the place of the old ones and pretty much in the same place as well... I am currently using Neutrogena gentle face wash and moisturizer twice a day... I have also encountered the problem of being unable to swallow my 40mg a day... so I have been putting the tablet in my mouth and biting and sucking until all the orange liquid is out... because that just in case you were wondering is the treasure you will find inside the mystical miracle tablet. Liquid sunshine I call it... only because It helps me swallow the vile stuff! So besides the fact that I am terrified that it won't work as well because I am not swallowing the whole tablet... and the fact that I am still encountering the nasty IB which my derm said would only last two weeks but has in fact lasted 4 and looks like it will go on for while... everything is okay. I guess.... besides still not being able to look anyone in the eye.


Didn't have time to update last week and also I really didn't want to... because nothing changed. The ones that were already there seem to have snuggled down to hibernate for the winter and are not budging at all... and I have began to break out on my once "clear" right side. It sucks because prior to this if I saw someone coming towards me I would turn my face so I only my clear side could be seen and now I have absolutely no where to hide . Which is not something that comforts me a great deal. I just hate waking up in the morning and seeing these things all over your face which nobody else seems to have... I always end up picking and squeezing until my face is bleeding and pussy everywhere... and I feel like screaming and asking God what I did to deserve this... the worse punishment imaginable because the face is the only thing that you cannot hide... There is only one week left until I have to go back to uni and I swear I will walk around looking like this ---> if I have too...


Much to my despair the mirror has not produced any change... the ones on my left side are beginning to heal... but they are still red and noticeable... I actually feel optimistic this week... but like another blogger said... that is what makes tane a rollercoaster journey, one week up the other week down and so on... I have bravely planned an ice skating trip for the end of the week to see some friends since I have been stuck in isolation since like forever... I am getting really irritated with some friends who do not understand that I just want to be left alone... Uh oh I hear a deep and meaningful coming along... skip it if you don't really care I won't get offended promise . People my family especially skirt around my whole skin problem... and when they try to address it they point out the latest spot which really gets me down... so avoiding the whole bad skin thing... my parents told people that i was taking medication to help with the cysts in my ovaries which is semi true I am taking medication for that but I am taking Tane also... people are all up to date with the side affects so they have been informed that i wont be around... you would think they get it... instead i get the whole "where have you been? havent seen you in ages" i know some people see it as caring... but my close friends already know where I have been so they don't even ask... So bring on ice skating and hopefully a smile on my face...


Two big things happened to me this week: 1) I feel at ice skating... and all the tops of the pimples on my left hand side and also the surrounding skin came off when I fell and hit the ice and began bleeding profusely... it was highly embarrasing and I hid my face for the rest of the night... there goes my hoped for smile.. and 2) I started uni this week which wasn't as bad as I thought because there were no tutorials until next week just lectures which meant I didnt have to do any class introductions... and i could just sit up the back of the room ... walk in late... leave early and try to draw as little attention to myself as possible... still avoiding that sun and still avoiding the mirrors... i now just have a huge mess on the side of my face from where i fell... and the rest... its pretty much like my skin has been frozen in time... but I am still breaking out... the plus side is the one on my forehead which would no budge has finally gone down and now I just have a read mark... which boost my confidence. .0001% as when i am talking to someone there is not something right in between the eyes saying "HELLO! LOOK LOOK LOOK AT ME!!!!" yeah so thank goodness for that right? The skin around the sides of my mouth is getting really really dry and my lips are getting drier than i thought was possible... ready for this to end. Trying to stay positive... trying and failing... i feel like giving up


boosted up to 60mg today and I am really anxious to see whether it cause more damage or actually is the start of something new (pause while i break off into high school music song and dance)... The ones on my left cheek are finally fading but they are still visible all the same... I got two new big ones on my left hand side which are really pussy and I just couldnt resist squeezing the hell out of them... and now they are just big scabs >< big noticeable scabs... Temple on the left is healing nicely still mightily red though... and then right side is breaking out... *rolls eyes* gee lets just take turns why don't we ... I was sitting on the train this morning and was watching this girl put on her make-up because she was obviously running late for something... she had perfect skin and no need for make up... which was the first thing that made me angry... but then i got annoyed because if i was to look into that little hand made mirror she had i would probably cry at my reflection... i hate trains... because you can't escape peoples gazes... and all of there eyes are more often than not on my skin... my lips are killing me... i have too for want of a better word wads of hard dry skin on either corner of my mouth that makes it hurt when i smile or eat or do anything with my mouth... i tried to get rid of them the other day and just made everything bleed... i feel like the Joker... poor heath ledger... I have been putting heavy moisturizer on over night... so instead of flaky skin I now have this huge pieces of skin just waiting to be pulled of but ... BEWARE if you pull it before it is ready... you will BLEED!!!! or have huge red patches all over your face...


Skinwise I have absolutely nothing to report... no improvements anywhere and everything is still active ... I love my job because it entails working one on one with a three year old who does not know the difference between clear skin and bad skin... i think if i had a normal job these past weeks there is no way i would have been able to show my face... but as it is i have the perfect job where we go to the park and she is more than happy to sit in a quiet secluded spot near the lake and feed the ducks while I hide away from the world... I usually help out at this thing called discovery on Wednesday nights for my church where we play games with primary school aged kids and teach them about God. That was until I met this one unyielding girl who not really meaning to made my life hell... i mean working with kids i expect to get the usual question about my skin... and once i give them an answer they usually never ask again... this one girl... asks me in front of everyone... and when i gave her an answer... and then attempted to change the subject she wasnt satisfied and went back to it... and for weeks after that she kept asking until eventually i stopped going all together... I also temporarily quit choir because I just don't have the confidence to stand up there with my skin in its current state. I had a heart to heart with the music director who used to be my high school teacher and after understanding my predicament he said he would welcome me back with open arms the minute I felt comfortable again... Thanks heavens for understanding people...


slight improvement this week... im still breaking out... hell when am i ever not breaking out? But the breaks out are getting more minor and are dissapearing quicker which is just leaving me with a bunch of red marks on my face which stand out just as much as the pimples do minus the lumps and pus... I am started to research the topic of emu oil in order to treat the scars and dryness and i will let you know how I go with that in my next entry... I don't know about you guys but i think that there is nothing worse than when you are having a conversation with someone and they keep looking at your pimples... it is hard enough having a one on one these days without there eyes raping your acne... arghhh! nobody around me has the same problem... none of my older siblings had acne... and i don't believe anyone who hasn't had it could fully understand just how bad it feels...


Pheww finally up to date and i can now be my witty, sarcastic self So this week after looking back on previous entries I have to admit that things are definitely starting to look up... I am not out of the woods yet but I have definitely found a map... and that most beloved yellow brick road to follow. I have one active pimple left on the left side of my face... and the rest of the scars are now a dull pink which is alot more appealing than the dull red that i had... my forehead and nose are completely clear... but i do not want to jinx myself... my left side is clear... there is no active ones but there is a fair few scars... my chin has been the one playing up this week I have had three minor ones so far... and I wake up to a new one everyday... I have recently been using sorbelene at night because the dryness has gotten that bad... I have a shower... and sorbelene every single part of my body... it feels oily and gross but it gets the job done... as for the emu oil I have decided to try it and I will buy some this weekend after I get paid and let you know if it works. I started playing basketball this week (i know I know no contact sport) and I have training tomorrow so that should be interesting... I don't know i just feel like playing takes my mind off my skin which is def. worth the pain afterwards... I went for a blood test yesterday because I have a follow up appointment next monday at 8.45 in the morning! *seriously who schedules these things* The blood test lady was highly antisocial and way ancient... I tried to make conversation as she stuck the needle in and withdrew what felt like half the blood in my body and she kept flipping me off... *sheessshhh rude much?* I woke up at 3 o'clock last night and realised that i had forgotten to take my tablets for that night and I started having a panic attack... I got up to take them... and realised just how dependent on the Tane I have become... has anyone else experienced this? Ta Ta for now


So I am not quite at the 13 week mark and won't be there until Monday but I do have an update I would like to share with you. Today I saw a friend who I haven't seen in weeks and she said my skin is much clearer I guess when you see yourself everyday you don't notice the little changes and continue to see the flaws and never the improvements so thats a plus I decided to change my skin care regime and decided to update you guys on that. I went to the chemist and bought simple gentle cleanser and the matching deep moisturizer for morning use. I bought moisturizing body wash with a watermelon and guava scent (yum!) and matching moisturizer, and I also bought some Johnsons baby shampoo hoping that it would help my terribly dry hair. I also searched high and low for the 100% emu oil that has been recommended previously by other tane "survivors" as I heard it worked well on scars and helped reduced the dryness. The ones I found were tiny little bottles and very expensive, so I had just about given up when I found and Emu oil and vitamin E moisturizing cream in the supermarket oil for only $2 and it was quite big! So I bought that to add to my night time regime. All in all I spent $35 on skin care products today which wasn't too bad considering I used to pay $70 for the proactiv. Okay on to the most important thing... my skin! I have two on my chin at the moment but they are the only active ones... the rest are scars... I picked the skin of the left side of my nose this week and I am left with this icky red mark that leaks a clear substance and it is really gross... the insides of my nose are really dry and I have to stick paw paw up it atleast three times a day... with regular moisturizing my lips are becoming bearable. The dry skin rash that I came up with early on in the week has been alot better since I have been applying sorbelene to the dry areas nightly. So all in all... the usual that tane battlers go through. Off to take my tablets yall


Okay I know I'm sorry please please please forgive me... It's been such a hectic week. I have had many assignments due and I was so worried that it would cause me to break ouuuutttt but it has been quite the opposite actually since we last spoke/talked/blogammunicated I have only had one pimple and it is on my hair line and is not even visible. YAY!!! FINALLY!!! now all I have to do is hope that this is it and wait. Ummm the emu oil seems to be working well... it doesn't make my skin oily in fact quite the opposite... i can feel my skin tightening... and I wake up in the morning to less visible scars... it is making me soo sooo soo HAPPY!!! I have been having some friends drama as well this week.... people who weren't okay with me having some me time whilst I got through the worst of this medication... and yet they want to be friends now... Somehow I do not think that is going to happen... <--- attempt at an optimistic smile.... But other than that everything is still the same... dry ass skin, dry ass lips, dry ass hair, I also seem to have a larger appetite >< so I have to go that extra mile in bball training so as not to put on wait... My derm appointment was shockingly amusing. My blood test came up fine, and my cholesterol was good... which was weird considering I have always had high cholesterol in the past... and Tane is supposed to raise it. She renewed my script... for the last four months! whilst making a joke about protesting against my uni bar who will not let me in because I am underage!!! well atleast I have a derm with a sense of humour! I had another complaint that I kept skipping my period... I have only had it once during my three months on the medication... and then only for a day... but she had no answers she said that it was probably just my age which I do not completely agree with. Thats all for now I am running a little late for uni >< ciao