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Entry

Its been a long time. I stopped coming here when the site moved to web 2.0 design. 2010-2011 I spent a lot of time here. Now, though, there is little to gain for me here. Reading other`s posts just reminds me of my own past and current hardships. There is so much pity, that, as someone else said, when you repeat yoourself over and over it gets old. The staff tries to keep this a positive place. One of my own negative threads and posts in one thread were removed. I understand that, its a business for the staff. As for the acne. Considering the scars I got left with, I lost the battle. I think I accepted that part of me, scars and acne and all. I did the accutane, I think its OK to go on a course, but I wouldnt go on it again. Cant speak fo others. Currently I use Bebe Depigmentation Emulsion, Cleanance K creme from Avene, Eucerin Dermatoclean washing gel (its not even for acne, but it is so mild and soothing). Using clay masks. Maybe there is hope for you, and you wont come out scarred.

xn.

xn.

07/23/2014

 

various

I guess I have to write an update. Been some 4 months since ROA course. Sometimes I get clustered pimples on my chin, you know those small ones with pus... they go away with little pressure and/or during washing. My nose is super oily. Sun is hot here, I was outside a lot yesterday and immediately had to "pay". Staying in the shadows helps overall... so thats my tactics against sun. But still have to go outside make my life. Psychiatrist offered me Serdolect, 4 mg. You know, maybe this isnt just acne and shyness and anxiety, but something more serious and what would explain a lot- Schizophrenia. Reading this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia#Diagnosis makes me "tick, yes, yes", just like reading about body dysmorphic disorder. So I could be at split road- if I dont have schizophrenia, I dont take drugs, I keep living the best I know, though my experience shows my life is opposite of satisfying, for years now, like all acne`rs and bla bla bla... if I dont have schizophrenia, I take drugs and try to deal with side-effects, which are many. if I have schizophrenia, and I dont take drugs it might get worse and it wont get better if I have schizophrenia, and I take drugs and that could possibly improve my social adaptation. Been using Bioderma face wash, its really different from others I have. Ill try to get something more from their series for acne skin. Using clay masks 1-2 times a week, they help a lot. Bought fish oil, magnium supplement, A+E vitamines and the usual C vit + zinc. Sometimes I desperately want to arrange a meeting with my derm, and sometimes my skin looks so good I think I dont need a derm atm.

xn.

xn.

06/07/2011

 

various stuff

Its been some 3 months since ROA course. Skin is irritated, thin. Probably because I still keep pushing with cleansers and cremes, just too scared to stop all this. Getting some pimples around mouth/jaw, but no cysts. Forehead is totally clear. Blackheads on nose, along with other sebaceus stuff. I got a hige nose and lots of oil glands. Meh... Using clay mask once a week approximately. Taking vitamins when I think I need them, following my instincts. Same with ACV, I think it messed a bit with my stomach, now taking it only when I have that sour urge. Hair is thick again and oily, I have to wash it every day, but I will probably shave it all off once I make photos for some documents. I have to change my passport, it expires on monday. I remember when I first went to make it. That photo was in my pass for 10 years, 10 years ago. I thought then it was bad. When I went to take the photos, the lady just opened one envelope after the other, to check where my photos were. When she found mine, she handed them to me with a smirk like "dont eat my babies". How can it be that a person isnt happy for 10 years...? I thought Ill wait a bit, next time, next time, next day. Happiness never came. One of my friends called in, said that we have a class reunion in May. Not exactly 10 years, but 9. How should I go there and tell I never had a job, relationship, bla bla... ? There are very few people I would like to meet, and goddamn swarm which I dont. I could go and talk bad stuff to my wrongdoers, or (try to) beat some bullies (Ive been pumping weights). I kind of decided Ill push away these overhappy people away. I was at unemployment bureau in friday, and this young woman was giving us a lecture on small business. Good skinned, good dressed, happy, no rings, red nails, dropped hints how good time they are having at their university (she learns for doctor degree). When she started about that business is not for everybody, you need to have good health, need to leave good impression at the bank to get a loan... I just couldnt stand it, 5 minutes later I left. Some people need to be punched so hard. The girl that rejected me (*because I am not happy*, like everyone who was born in a wealthy, prosper family with good genes that dont give acne, and whatever...) is on my mind each day. I tried to give my best, yet she shrug me off like some diseased bacilla. I love this song by Pharcyde - Passin me by, and I try to match with those lyrics "by letting her pass I proved to be a better man". I met some other girl, but dunno where its going, I only know that there were not such high emotions in the start. Still taking anti-depressants, 10 mg lexapro, 3rd month now. First 3 weeks were the best. I say they are helping, at least im crying less in the pillow =)

xn.

xn.

04/02/2011

 

bit past roa, SSRI and other stuff

So my ROA treatmend ended. For the next 2 weeks after it I was extremely hungry, always. Maybe the body tried to rebuild stuff, maybe I skip too much unhealthy food, or I skip food that I think is unhealthy, and thus the hunger. Havent gotten big pimples on face, only minor ones and they healed quick. Pores on face seem fine. Got one cyst on back now though. My skin tone (on face) has improved. Still the cold messes it up, but being home all day isnt right, I take some walks. Havent really picked at my face recently, and trying not to. Shaving regularly. My hair is growing back tho, should i shave it all off? Skin is fine and I dont want any irritants. Also noticing how my hands are, Im slightly OCD about them, washing and rinsing often. If I come from store I gotta wash them for sure. Also long keyboard/mouse sessions... need to wash hands =) Trying not to touch face, at all. Got the antidepressant on 26th jan. It is Escitalopram, aka Lexapro aka Cipralex aka Elicea, 10mg a day. Had to wait 4 hours at hospital, there were like 30 ppl. I told to doc: "there is such thing as dysmorphia, it all sounds very familiar...". He said: you dont like your appearance, your reflection in the mirror, your face bothers you? Note, I said nothing about the face, but he was spot on. I was very anxios there, because his female assistent was there and some other dude, I assume a yet-to-become psychiatrist. The drug seems helping, altho I know it takes weeks before it kicks in. He suggested one more drug, but I refused and said I will try this for now. Being alone sucks. Taking a day nap and waking in the dark and there is no one (parents in work yet). Feels like eternity of darkness. Over the past half year my wardrobe increased by like 700% percent. I can advance on this aspect always. I never had good clothing, mobbed around shool with single sweater (and acne). I blasted so much money on coke and chips...damn. Instead I could of get some nice clothing. I cant improve scars, but I can get some nice leather shoes, jeans and shirts, and whatnot else. Nice clothes could be my revenge. Altho my mom starts to put more pressure on me. Im not comfortable asking her money for vitamins, when its time for a big purchase (cleanser or cream)- its almost always a dispute. I can feel her anger growing. Would be nice if I turned like Elvis- id pay her back with a pink Audi or something. Wishful thinking.

xn.

xn.

02/01/2011

 

next next next

My ROA treatment ended last Sunday (it was 5 months 10mg). Was at the derm on Monday. I asked about this ultraviolet light therapy. She said yes, there is such thing. I asked what the nearest place would be to do it; she said at solarium aka tanning booth, and pointed one in our town, to which I gave a deep *sigh*, cause I think I dont want those stares at by back acne. She said cause of ROA I should start with 6 minute exposure, and use the vertical booth. I will check that place in February or March. I asked about cortisone injections; she smiled and said that I read too much; I said "well, of course I read about this". She suggested A+E vitamines; I told her I used zinc E, C, D to which she gave a big positive nod. I just find it strange its me I have to tell/ask this, if not for this site I would never think of zinc, and if some clueless dude walked just like that to her (this derm) and she didnt tell about zinc? Nobody will care for you more than yourself. I asked her about calcium chloride (Sol. Calcii Chloridi 10 %), she said its good- helps against allergies and "bad things", but didnt give a detailed answer why and how. When I left (out of little guilt probably) she said shes happy that I am improving. We agreed I will see her once a month for control. I bought linseed oil, it says on the bottle it has 51g omega3, 19g omega6, 0g cholesterol per 100g. The psychiatrist will be in town on 26th Jan. I also trying to make other appointments for stuff that bothers me. This is highly stressful. I have disputes and arguments with my mom often. I asked her before- if she had to deal with this- would she go to that yoga-herbal-healer shes seeing or a professional dermatologist? She said she`d go to healer definately. I asked her- but dont you see that I improved (no cysts on face for 2+ months)? She said "yes, but healer says you have kidneys and liver gone bad". Fu*k dem healers. Maybe I should give you folks the name and adress of this healer, because by the sound of it, he is very healing. I came across the term "hyperventilation" here, its nice they have a name for this.

xn.

xn.

01/13/2011

 

combo

On the Physical side: Got the cream the derm recommended- Bioderma DS Light, supposedly would help against my heat flushes on cheeks, and I think it did. I thought the derm could be somewhat affiliated with the distributors. Its now 4th month and 1 week on ROA. Will upload pics when Im on other PC. I have post inflammatoy hyperpigmentation mostly, new pimples are rare, very rare, like one or two a week, and those are shallow. Got blackheads on nose, some on forehead, but not inflammed. Lots of PIH and scars.

xn.

xn.

12/17/2010

 

Almost 4 months ROA, 10 mg

I think I need to slow down with this. I am getting those heat flushes, and my skin is micro peeling, quite irritated and dry. I guess this may be due to my moisturizer, I think it has some alchohol in it, and it has salicylic acid, low %, but still no-no while on ROA. So I have 2 moisturizers which arent suitable for my skin ATM =(. I hate to ask my mom money for this. I have to make an appointment with derm, have 4 pills left. Maybe I will quit it right here, maybe take 1 pill per 2 days, if thats possible. But my instincts say not to mess with my skin. I skip washing it with cleanser in the morning, just rinse. Something like clay masks is out of the question, too sensitive. Some deeper pores on cheeks seem to have cleared. I honestly dont know what my next steps will be. I put a bunch of water glasses near the window, we have central heating here and air gets too dry, the idea is to make it more humid. Over 2 days something like 5 % of water from glasses/bowls has evaporated. And its winter here, -17 degrees celsius here, it can go to -25 here, not good for the skin. I have a bunch of pics on my camera, will upload later, some are nice, showing clearing process, some show my scars.

xn.

xn.

12/01/2010

Last Reply:
12/04/2010

 

Questionnaire

1: How old were you when you first started to notice you had acne? How old are you now? 12 years old. I`m 26 now. 2: Did it develop overnight, or did you gradually start breaking out with acne over a period of time? I was 12, shortly before my 13th birthday and exactly during the easter holidays I was hit with hard cyst. From thereon my skin has never been normal. 3: How would you classify or describe your acne, when it was (or is currently) at it's worst? Severe cystic. On a class photo, it seemed to me that instead of where my face should be- there was just red substance. 4: Were you in school when you developed acne? If so, what grade? I think it was 7th grade. 5: If you were in school when you started developing acne, did that have an impact on you? If so, how? Yes, it had impact. I became more introverted, alienated, shy, silent, anxious, etc. I think I had BDD- covering my face with hands, hair, choosing which place to take at table, corridoors, etc. 6: What things have you done to try to get rid of your acne? Over the counter medications. Always been washing my face 2 times a day, but it didnt help. Taking accutane now. 7: If you got rid of your acne permenantly, what method worked for you? How long have you been clear? Havent gotten rid of it permanently yet. 8: Have you ever taken accutane? If you have, what are your thoughts about it? Its great. My skin hasnt been like this in 13+ years. 9: Do you have a daily routine/regimen dedicated just for fighting/preventing acne? Morning and evening cleansing, moisturizing routine. 10: Has having acne impacted your daily life significantly? If is has, how so? Choosing which places to go or not to. Mainly not to. It made me plan ahead my skin condition, possible breakouts and cleaning routine. 11: Do you think of someone with acne as weak or strong? Why? Weak, in a sense that it limits one`s will and chances for anything (in most cases). Strong is a sense that he/she must undergo huge struggle that others would not even suspect of. 12: Do you believe in God(s)? Yes or No? Yes. 13: How serious of a medical condition do you think acne is? In general? I think its serious. Its body fighting a bacteria. If it goes out of control it can be fatal. 14: How serious do you consider the mental effects of acne to be? I think they are very serious. Gives too much unnecessarry stress and worry and thoughts. It can be fatal too. 15: Describe how you feel about acne in one word. Unfair. PS http://www.acne.org/messageboard/Questionnaire-t254898.html

xn.

xn.

11/23/2010

Last Reply:
11/23/2010

 

3M+2W ROA

I wish my skin was better now. Getting random pimple here and there, but overall my skin is in "suspicious" state. Not looking very healthy, and sometimes it feels like the oilyness returns, and of course there is a lot of dryness too. Overall- irritated and not lively. Been pretty cold here, no snow here yet, but its cold even inside. Been eating less natural green stuff , I need to take care of this. Restocked my zinz supplement and vitamine E. I bought vitamine D too, pale clouds here for days, maybe it will help something. I shaved my hair down, they getting on my nerves sometimes, I cant get a satisfactory haircut . In its own way short hair helps against skin problems I think, less irritation from hair touching skin, and less shampoo contact. I am going no tea or coffee for this week, lets see what this will do. Will upload pictures later. Also Im thinking Ill ask my derm if I could continiue seeing her once a month, even off the ROA. Checked price list of dermaabrasion and fraxel co2 yag lasers here. There is a top clinic in the capital city here, their derms get on TV often to talk stuff. The price ranges from 400-1400 USD. I have 2 USD on my VISA credit card =))) mmmmyahh...

xn.

xn.

11/22/2010

 

other lurking stuff...

The visit to derm went good. Thanks to things improving I was more confident and raised more discussion. Asked that idea about Retin-a and Differin, she commented that Differin is too strong and mentioned Duac. And I`m going into 4th month on ROA, 10 mg still. I am worried about financial part, going into drug store and coming out with 80 $ less (ROA and cleanser; ROA and creme), as an unemployed person... I often thought that I am in a bad cycle: acne > no confidence and alienation > no job > no money > no acne care > acne > ... I have been using Avene Clean-ac Hydrating & Soothing creme, it has been very good against dry skin while on ROA, it ran out and there wasnt any in drug store, I purchased Babe` Stop AKN Skin Balance Moisturizer, my other choice was Bioscreen Diozinac. Now with some slight improvement in confidence I "stole" more of drug store lady`s time. I stayed away from coke and chips for some 9 months now, and I dont have any problems restraining myself. I used to drink energy drinks like water, and potato frees daily. I didnt notice major worsening of my skin, that would make me stop all that. What made me stop was some unpleasant feelings near my heart. My family doc noted the high blood pressure 175/105, and I am on Enap (Enalaprili maleas) for 3 months already. I know I had hypertension, for a long time already, and if it has been 175/. for so long, I wonder what it feels like to have normal pressure.

xn.

xn.

11/04/2010

 

2M + 2w update

Its been somewhere 2 months and 2 weeks now that I`m on ROA (I started at 6th august, I remember that). And I am enjoying my skin condition. Have gotten like 4 small pimples in the period of 2 weeks, and they went away quickly. I am picking way less, because it`s hard to find stuff worth picking, now I try to wash and walk away from that danger zone at the mirror. I still feel there is stuff in the pores, non inflammed, just heaps of white stuff somewhere deeper, but there is little I can do. Since I am only on 10mg per day (partly of financial reasons) and now that I have read the peeling theory, I`m paying more attention to dryness/oilyness levels. There was some excerpt from the inventor of Retin-a on this site- (try searching "inventor retin-a") the idea being to keep your skin peeling. Now I am thinking what I`m going to do when I finish ROA course, I need to exit nicely, and seems that BP or something from retinoid creams are my choice. BP very much could be available at drug store without prescription, but retinoids? I dont know. Labels like Retin-a, Differin, Diacneal are mentioned here a lot I`ll try to raise this exit`ing idea at the derm, I have the feeling she might conclude to end the course at 4 months mark. I have been taking ROA with canned fish / avocado`s. Taking 15mg of zinc 2 times a day. Taking vitamin E (30mg) once in 2 days. Starting my day with a half glass of water + 1 tablespoon of apple vinegar and a bit of honey. Applied clay mask previous 2 saturdays, although it is quite irritating to wash off. Still feeling the cold weather messes with my skin`s self repair functions. Using less moisturizer to let my skin dry. Sorry for disorganized entry, I`ll post at 3 months mark along with pictures of my cheeks. I hope for the best.

xn.

xn.

10/18/2010

 

2 months past.

It has been 2 months since I took 1st pill of ROA. Today opened the third package of 10 mg ROA. I could say I am clearing, but at an expense. My hair got thinner. Even my mom noticed, she does my haircut (been years since I have been at barber/hairdresser, altho I wouldnt call them that- just women that cut your hair ). And my hair was super thick, like viking`s, you could port Titanic if you`d make a rope. My skin got super thin too. On forehead, cheeks. As I said previously, on these cold days my face goes numb. And it will only get colder, winter is ahead. Brought blood results to derm. It was a short meet-up with her, she said we`ll go 4 months probably (not surprised, cause everyone here is 4, 5, 6 months and on higher dosages). She said I shouldnt moisturize at all. AT ALL. "No fattening of the skin." She noticed the flaky lips, but I assured her it could be much worse, cause I did and do use lip balm. I have it under control. The white pimpes I was usually seeing when waking up are gone now. The area around mouth has calmed down, but my cheeks are still oily. Getting less cysts at jaw line, but there is still a lot of non-inflammed whiteheads, which pile up, or sebaceous filaments as they call them. I just scratched my neck as I was typing here, they do itch! I get some blackheads come off cheeks sometimes too, mainly when washing my face, or just discovering them via itching. My scalp / forehead sometimes itches too, and voila! What was the reason? A hardened blackhead! Sometimes I am glad I dont have to pick them, they come off like that. Many people are worried here, but I had tons of them leave my skin and they dont leave icepick scars. They appear for some other reasons, not sure now which. I could be doing much better in terms of skin condition if not the unpredictable, severe weather and some other daily stresses I have.

xn.

xn.

10/05/2010

Last Reply:
10/07/2010

 

How i got my ROA

This is the convo I had with my derm. : -To treat the condition you have we will probably need "capsules". Let me see your back. -I am not ready to expose it YET. -Fine, but then go to other derm. -Mmkay. (showing my blood-volcanos on my back) -Oh yeah, Capsules, mos def. -"Capsules" as Roaccutane by chance? -Yeah. But first we try facial washes and stuff. If that dont work (it doesnt for me) then i prescribe it next month (and blood tests yaga-yaga). -Fine. Its been 1 month + 3 weeks. Back/bone pains are intense. Sad thing is, nobody would believe me I had these pains. Feeling emotionally down atm, theres darkness at end of the tunnel, there is no tunnel, why should there be?

xn.

xn.

09/30/2010

 

Blood results

I am holding my recent blood results, I have to deliver this to my derm. I wish I could scan and upload this. Nothing is peaking at first sight. Good thing they show here my previous results from this lab, so I can compare, and the normal values of healthy person for results are given too. RDW-ER ratio 11.1 (11.5-15.5) 11.5 The first number is recent result, second is norms and third is my previous from 2 months ago. This is the only stuff on paper that is underlined, I guess its too low. Eritrocites sinking speed 14 1-15 2 Seems a bit high, compared to my previous "2". Triglicerydes 0.96 <2.0 1.14 I think this was of matter when on ROA. Its been 1 month + 3 weeks on ROA. I had a few paper cuts. Overall things are improving, and there was one time where i even skipped washing my face in the morning (just rinsed with water), because it felt it would do more harm than good. Kind of giving it a rest day.

xn.

xn.

09/27/2010

 

acne dot org slang

BP - benzoyl peroxide BCP - birth control pill IB - initial breakout (at start of accutane treatment) TCA - trichloroacetic acid (used to treat scars) bacne - acne on back, back acne DKR - Dan`s Kit Regimen, the fellow who runs this site CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy ACV - apple cider vinegar, stuff you can make to use on your skin as lotion, has AHA-like effect. PMS - pre menstrual syndrome. hormones- common cause of acne in adult females. PIH - post imflammatory hyperpigmentation.

xn.

xn.

09/07/2010

 

Row row down your boat gently down the stream

So, what up? Add one on the board. This is the second week on roaccuttane. Something seems to be working, at least i have the same side-effects as other people are reporting (dry, peeling skin). This could be due to this years insane summer too. Although my dose is 10mg, whereas the drug leaflet says the start dose is one half of mg/kg (weight). The accutane FAQ on this site is quite nice- i have been taking ROA with some oily food and eating more green stuff. Cola and potato chips are already a thing of the past for some time. I dont particulary like this dermatologist. Maybe its the lack of impression of my financial well-being, that cools her off. Although i must say one thing, when a doctor really cares about you (me)- it feels nice, at least somebody does.

xn.

xn.

08/16/2010

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