Havent been here in forever, have been too busy being happy!
My skin is great!!! No pimples at all yet. Skin is starting to get a little oily, but not bad at all. Hair is more cury though when it was just mildly wavy before...weird.
No chapped lips, no lasting side effects, I did not gain or lose weight, it was all just very smooth sailing. No more needles!!!! Thats my fav part.
I am going back to school with all my new found confidence and taking up swing dancing! Can't want to go to the pool in my new swimsuit for the first time in a long time!
So, day 105, been on 100 mg for about 2 weeks, and...I dunno about this.
I wanted to go higher because I've heard people on higher doses have better long term results, but I'm breaking out again. I was clear for a while with the occasional zit, but now I have 2 coming in on my already marked up cheek and 2 more on my chin. Is this working or not?
Also, skin is much dryer, still not a lot on my face, am wearing lotion maybe every other day on my face, but don't really need to. My arms and legs though have little red dry patches, real attractive.
Also feeling kind of depressed and stressed out, but that might just be because I'm working 2 jobs and not loving either at the moment rather than the tane.
I'm feeling very frustrated, I know it's not abnormal, (abby something...abby...normal) to brek out when you up your dose, but I'm nearing the end, I have like, 1 or 2 months left, can we just be over this already? I'm already terrified my face is going to be a mess after all this. Just please let this all end ok with my acne being cured, even if it is just for a few years without being covered in scars like my mom. If I could have that, that would be pretty great.
The crazy 88....
Had my appointment this morning, they said my bloodwork looks perfect, but I am still getting zits. I have a big on right in the middle of my forehead right now and my Dr. said she didn't like that, she said I shouldn't be getting any at this point, so with my bloodwork lookking as good as it does, she feels good about bumping me up to 100. That seems a little high to me, because I've never seen anyone on this board with a doseage that high, but if it will nuke it and my doc says I'm doing good, and honestly, I haven't had as bad of side effects as I was expecting, I feel ok about it. Let's nuke this shit forever as far as I'm concerned. Glad it wasn't all in my head though that I thought I should be done breaking out at this point. Wish me luck everybody!
ps: Really tired a lot, but mostly because I am working 2 jobs and feeling like all I do is work...haaaaaaate it. Took a half day at my reg job today then working 3 hours at my night job which suuuuuucks and then 4 hours there again tomorrow. I'm the person who calls you about taking a survey and you yell at me and hang up in my face. Please don't do that and just understand I'm simply doing my job, I don't like calling you anymore than you do. Till next time.
Hey, long time no post.
Still getting pimples, have 1 cyst right now in my cheek and a small but noticable red one on my forehead. Face is covered with red marks and maybe actual pit marks? I can't tell. I've never had scarring before. I'm hoping it's not what I think it is and it will go away after I go off the medication. I'm really worried about scarring. I want to stop breaking out, I want to stop feeling ugly, I'm going to start my 4th month soon, come on!!!! I'm scared it wont work, or if it does, it's all going to come right back after I get off it. I don't want to just be someone who always has bad skin. I don't want to accept that. I'm also feeling fat lately, been thinking about trying Jenny Craig or something, but I think that's pretty expensive. Any ideas?
I got drunk the other weekend. I haven't drank at all while on this thing, and I've been on 80 mg for about a month now. Hope my blood test next week will be ok and one night of drinking wont matter. It better be ok because it's my birthday in about 2 weeks and I plan on getting trashed.
Well, that's about it, just working all the time and feeling hideous. That's me.
It's only been 4 days since my last post, not a whole lot is different, I just wanted to talk to to someone I guess. I have a little bit of a rash on my chest and right arm, but it doesn't really bother me. Still kinf getting over this summer cold I've had for 7 days now, but it's bearable, just kind of flemmy at this point, gross, I know. I was just feeling kind of down the last couple days, getting overwhelmed with a lot of stuff, and I feel ugly andrealized how much I let that hold me back from things. I dress kind of crappy because I want to disapear, I don't want to stand out. Anytime I try to dress nice, I just feel worse about myself because I feel like an ugly girl trying to dress up. I also feel more self consious when I dress nice, I feel ike it just brings out all the things that make me ugly that much more, like a spot light on all my imperfections. I feel like I don't have a life anymore, I'm just putting everything on hold until after the accutane, or even longer, after I can saftely get chemical peels. That's about it, just feeling kind of yucky and wanted to cry about it. Thanks.
Okay, so, it's been about 3 days since I was bumped up to 60 mg, and I do have a few more side effects, nothing too bad though. My lips are a little dryer and I'm started to get some bumps on my arm. I suffer from excema on occasion anyway, so, I was expecting this. Never had it on my arm though. I'm sure it's nothing some cortizone can't take care of.
I also got a cold/flu thing this weekend, OMG it suuucked. Caughing, sore throat, runny nose, stuffy head, snuffy nose, it was lame, I felt like I wasted my weekend by being sick. Of course I barely slept while I was sick, cuz I was all stuffy and couldn't breathe and had to get up for water all the time or blow my nose, I'm still caughing and feeling pretty tired at work today. I'm not sure if this is a side effec of the accutane, but I heard it can lower your immune system, hence a cold in the summer. It's usually pretty rare for me to get sick.
I'm also not sure if this emotional stuff I've been feeling this weekend is a side effect of the accutane or just a side effect from being sick and exausted. I had a paper route job for 3 days because I really need money for a new car and I'm barely squeaking by financially. I had to quit that job when my current car broke down, so, I didn't get paid for the 3 days of work I did and now I have to shell out $280 to fix my POS car. I just got all in my head and freaked out about feeling like I can't support myself or something. I feel like I need a second job or I'm doomed to go into the red and have to move in with my parents. I try to relax and take things 1 at a time, trying to just find solutions and do them instead of worrying about it, but that's easier said than done.
I also started missing my ex like crazy, but my counciler said that it's normal to miss your ex when you're sick because you want someone to take care of you and give you TLC. I kind of want to email him, tell him about the movies I've seen lately, because he was the best person to talk movies with and I don't know anyone else who likes going to the movies as much as I do. Truthfully, I also want to tell him how much I miss him too, but that's why I can't just email him about movies, because it will lead to me telling him how much i miss him and then I'll feel even worse for just being his buddy when all I really want is to be his girl. Besides, I need to be consistent. He needs to know he can't treat me like crap and then get to keep me in his life. If you don't want me as your girlfriend, you don't get to have me as your friend. Thats the consequence of that action.
I really do miss him though.
I also had a moment where I got scared about where I'm going in my life and I feel like it's all being wasted, and I wish I had a passion, or a career goal or something, but I don't. And then I started thinking about how I've been wanting to move to Colorado lately, even though I'm not toally sure why, but what if my ex moves there? Then I CAN'T go there because it will look like I'm going there for him.....WHY THE HELL WOULD I WORRY ABOUT THAT?
So now I'm at work, and maybe it's from being sick or maybe it's the accutane, but I feel pretty cranky. Everytime the phone rings, I want to rip it out of the wall and throw it over my cubicle wall. And everytime someone on the other end is being stupid, I want to yell, "Oh my God, please shut up, I can't take it, your stupidity is overwhelmingly painful!"
I keep making plans and having Ideas of ways to better myself, but I know I'll never do any of them...I never get around to doing anything. I think maybe I should take pictures of all the cool houses I like in my town, or mailboxes, (I like mailboxes, I don't know why) and maybe I could make those into a book...or maybe I should actually work on that childrens book I had an idea about years ago and keep working on in my head but haven't done anything with physically. Maybe I should work on painting more and getting a gallery showing, or work on getting my foot in the door in maybe being a movie critic.
But Taking pictures requires a camera which requires money, which I clearly don't have, not to mention drive and motivation which i seem to struggle through like a no armed man in a straight jacket, and why would anyone let a college drop out underachiever like me get my foot anywhere close to being a critic? I think maybe I should cancel my cable to save money and also force me to do some of these things, but damnit, I like coming home after work and watching hoarders and chopped! Ohhh, how are they gonna make miso paste into dessert???
I am working on one painting right now for a friend, I always make stuff with the intention of giving it away, I don't keep a lot of my work. I'm like a reverse hoarder, I don't like keeping a lot of anything. I think I get rid of things because I don't like myself ery much in general, and things remind me of the dorky kid I was or something embrassing I said or did once, so, I get rid of things in an effort to start over and be someone else, someone I like. This is not something new, I get like this every once in a while, why else do you think I have a counciler?
Sometimes I think I'm crazy, but then I remember everyone is a little bit crazy.
Anyway, the painting I'm working on for my friend is slow going, it's really hard for me to finish what I start, but my mail motivation is that it is a painting of her cat, and her roomate is my ex, and he HATES that cat, so I like the idea of a big painting I made of that cat hanging in his living room for him to see every day.
Sorry I rambled, I just needed to talk. Thanks for listening.
Okay, had my 1 month check up today! They said my blood work was "perfect" and I have almost no side effects, just a little dryness and tiredness. She said I'm doing really well and that it's good that I'm breaking out early because people who have an IB early on usually have better results down the line. She upped my dose to 60mg a day and said she will probably have me stay there, but if I'm still breaking out by the end of month 3, she will up my dose to as high as she can, but she's confident I'm going to have good results. I told her I'm afraid of it not working or coming back later, she said that she has never seen the drug just not work on anyone and if it does come back, it will probably be much more receptive to more mild treatments but she doesn't think I should worry about that, and most of her patients have an 80% success rate.
So to recap, 1 month of Clavaris, 40mg a day, dry lips but not too bad, feel kind of sleepy, no joint pain, no intestinal problems, which is awesome because I have a really sensitive stomach as it is. Feeling a little thirsty, so drinking more water. Have an IB but it's not HORRIBLE, makes me feel very uncomfortable though. And I think that's about it. Oh, and also, I love my hair, wish it could stay like this forever.
In other news, I love my kitten, I woke up this morning to see her asleep under my arm like a teddy bear. She looked up at me and gave the cutest little, "mew?" and I just melted. Best morning ever.
Also, got a yoga dvd and a shake weight yesterday! I wanna be sexy!
So I'm on day 21 and I think I'm getting the dreaded IB. Bumps all over my face, especially on my cheeks, big cysts that hurt and scab. Trying not to mess with them but it's so hard. They crust over and I can't help but peel that top layer off. They don't bleed, just peel off to reveal a pink bump underneath. I feel soooo ugly and I don't want to be in public, I feel like people stare at me. My friend told me last night via online (haven't seen each other in over a year) that she thinks I should be a plus size model. (I'm a size 12, I don't think that's plus size, I think that's normal.) It kind of flattered me to know that she thought I was pretty enough to be any kind of model, but also kind of hurt because I don't look the way she rememebrs me anymore, and I'm scared I never will again. This skin issue has really messed up my self esteem. Hope this turns around soon and I hope I don't have any or very little scarring.
Wish me luck that this nightmare will be over soon, have my 1 month check up and blood test next week, hopefully will be bumped up to 80 ml.
Okay, so, day 15 on accutane, lips are a little dry, not too bad. Not using aquafur yet, just burts bees. Feeling a little tired, not exactly dry, just not greasy, so I'm not using lotion because I don't need to yet. Starting to break out on my cheeks which sucks. Tired of feeling ugly, but i knew what to expect. Hopefully this will be over soon. Also, I feel fat. Going to try to go to a vegetarian diet for about 6 months to see if that will help. Also going to try to get a second job delivering news papers so I can afford a car. After I get some more self confidence, maybe I will try to bartend instead..that or strip. (Joke)
Wish me luck.
Been on Clavaris for 5 days, 40 ml a day. My 20 ml pill this morning wouldnt stay down, i gagged it up and it fell down the drain, so I guess i'm just gonna have to take 20ml today at night. Do you think that's ok? I also forgot to take my birthcontrol pills for 3 days, but im not having sex, so I guess that's alright. I'm back on it now though, I just forgot because I was all caught up with the Clavaris. Well, I don't feel much of a difference yet, not as oily i guess, but not really dry. Please let me know if its ok to not take one of your pills for one day, i dont really have a choice in it seeing as how it went down the drain. Till next time.
Did my bloodwork on Saturday, was tough because I'm really scared of needles and the nurse lady wasn't too nice about it. She told me to, "quit shaking or I can't do this." Thanks.
Dr. called me today and told me everything looked good, I went to ipledge and answered the questions, will pick up Amnesteem tonight and start taking 20 mg twice a day, so, 40 per day tomorrow. I think that's a little low for my weight, I'm kinda fat, but whatever, I will trust them. I'm looking forward to write blogs about my progress now instead of just being bummed out about life.
By the way, does anyone know if you can take antidepressants while on accutane? I'm not on any but have been considering it. What about tylonol pm? Sometimes I take that to help me sleep. if anyone has any oppions, please let me know, thanks.
Just thought I would vent and share what's going on while I'm waiting for this 30 day wait to be over.
1. I got a kitten. I thought it would cheer me up and it has quite a bit. I'm still real down, but she makes me feel a lot better, I'm totally in love with her. She's 8-10 weeks old, they weren't really sure, I adopted her from the humane society. I told myself I was not going to get a cat that day, i was just going to look, and then I saw her behind the glass, little calico ball of fluff with fuzz coming out of her ears. She stared at me and didn't look away and I said, "Aww hell." They took her out to interact with me, and at first she was scared, ran into the corner to hide from the sound of barking dogs in the shelter, but after a while, she crawled into my lap, rubbed her face against my hand and purred. I took her home and she hasn't stopped purring since. She's been wonderful, very playful, very affectionate, and sleeping with me, all curled up every night....except for last night where she kept pouncing on EVERYTHING and I couldn't sleep. Not play time Toulouse, sleep time. I named her Toulouse after my favorite artist, Toulouse Lautrec.
2. I'm starting to get very annoyed with my job, every day, I just don't want to be there. Every time the phone rings, I feel like my soul dies just a little bit more. I'm 24, these are supposed to be the best years of my life and I'm wasting them in a cubicle. I want to have an adventure, I want to learn how to sword fight, speak japanese, be a painter, learn how to cook, how to crochet, how to build a 57 Chevy, climb a moutain, feel sexy, get married, have a house in Colorado and build a replica of Bag End in the backyard so I can hide from my probably annoying future husband because right now, I can't imagine every loving anyone as much as I love my ex, and anyone else would be settling....and I do NOT want to WORK. Talk about a run on sentance.
And...I guess that's it.
I already have a lot of posts on this thing and I haven't even started the drug yet. Well, I offifically have 3 nodules on my left cheek, and they hurt so bad I couldn't sleep last night, so my derm told me to come in tomorrow and they are doing to give me some injections. I've had these before, and they work great, but I am worried about atrophy. I had a little of that one time, but it's almost all gone now and that was like, a month ago. I don't understand how in a matter of weeks, my skin went from moderate to severe like this? It's really awful, I feel horrible, and I haven't even stared taking anything yet....jeeze. Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong, why am I being punished? Why don't I seem to get anything I want, and why does everyone else seem to? Why is everything so much easier for everyone else and it's so hard for me? It's not fair. And I am so tired of it not being fair. I just want to look in the mirror and not see a monster, and have the man I love love me back. I don't think either of those 2 things are a lot to ask for. If I knew the last time I saw him was the last time, I would have kissed him longer, better, I would have done more, been better...somehow. I dunno, I would just savor it more. Sometimes I think maybe I died a long time ago, and now I'm in hell, and the only reason good things ever happen to me is just so they can be taken away from me and make the sting that much worse. Maybe hell isn't really a place of fire and brimstone, maybe you're just tricked into thinking you're really alive, that way you always have hope to be crushed. Maybe I should just accept I will never be happy.
Have to wait about 3 more weeks until I get the Accutane. I hate waiting, I just want to do it and get it over with. I have been having one of the worst breakouts ever these past couple of weeks and I don't know why, maybe it's the warmer weather or the humidity, but whatever, I feel absolutely awful. I don't want to leave my house, I don't want to do anything. I thought about calling in ugly to work today. I just look in the mirror and see a monster, a freak. I know it will probably be bad for the first few months on accutane too, but at least then I will know there will be relief soon. Right now, I just feel like everyone is staring at me all the times and they're thinking I'm gorss or dirty or that I don't wash my face, or that I must eat greasy food all the time. It hurts to look down at the ground and not want to look at people or talk to them, and hope they don't think you're rude. I'm not rude, I'm just insecure.
Right now, I have about 4 big bumps on my forehead and 2 cysts on my left cheek that hurt very much. They're right next to each other too, so they look like some kind of a leision. got another forming near those that will probably be pretty big. my right side is covered in small red marks, chin too. Make up doesn't help at all. Why is this happening to me? Why am I 24 and look 15? Why does everyone I see have perfect skin? I just feel really down on myself and am starting to feel like maybe my boyfriend broke up with me beacuse I'm ugly. My friends want me to go out on a boat with them next week, but I don't want to be in water, outside, in the sun like this. I don't want to be around this girl I went to highschool with whose married now with a boob job. I just feel like "the ugly friend." I know I'm throwing a pity party for myself and I need to get over it, but I don't know how. I feel like I'm going crazy. I really wish there was something I could do, I'm in pain! Physical and emotional. I can't take much more.
Have not gotten my iPLDGE stuff yet, supposedly I'm supposed to fill out some questions on their website. It's weird because, I have to wait about 24 more days, yet my skin is getting waaaaaay worse. I thought it was supposed to get worse after I go on the pill, I guess it's rebelling. I'm getting a little depressed already, my skin sucks, I feel ugly, I got dumped....things just suck. I want them to stop sucking. I really really really hope this works. I read on here about people who say it didn't work, or it came back after they were done, but I hope that it usually does work and all those people are out living their lives instead of posting on here. I got an invite to my friends wedding, God....I want to go, but I'm embrarassed. She seems successful, got a good career, a man who loves her and she's getting married, meanwhile I have acne like a teenager, the man I love doesn't love me, I just feel like such a goddamn loser. FML.
Ok, so, I went in for my pregnancy test yesterday and it came back negative, so I went into the derm today to get all signed up for iPLEDGE. Had to watch a DVD about not getting pregnant and then fill out a bunch of paper work, initialing a bunch of stuff and signing some things. I should get something in the mail about filling out questions on the iPLEDGE website in a few days, so, the 30 day wait has officially started. Will go in for blood tests on June 26th, and then get my pills sometime that week. Feeling a little worried about an IB, also about what they said regarding colesterol, does that mean I'm gonna get fat? I should really try to eat better and work out a little more when I'm on this. One thing that came up, that I wish I would have kept my mouth shut about is they were asking about mental health and depression, and I was on the verge of crying already because my boyfriend dumbped me on Friday and I'm pretty upset about it, so I did mention that I was feeling down about that, but that I do have a counciler apointment set up to talk about it. They said they want a note from her saying it's ok for me to go on accutane, so....great. I actually think accutane will be really great for me, not just for giving me back my self esteem and making me feel normal, but it will also give me something else to focus on other than this stupid boy who broke my heart. Whatever, I will keep you guys updated with this journey as it progresses.
Alright, let me start off by explaining why I have chosen to do this blog. I have read a lot of information about accutane, I am aware of all the side effects, I know it is possibly dangerous, and far from a fun experience, but we don;t do this because it's fun. We do this because the gain outweighs the risk, and the gain for most is self esteem, confidence and feeling like yourself again.
I chose to do this blog because a lot of my friends and family members do not support my decision to go on accutane. They say things like,"Your skin isn't THAT bad." or, "You'll grow out of it." or, "Have you tried -----." I know they are just trying to make me feel better, but I have tried everything, I'm 24, so, I'm not going to grow out of it, and I know my skin isn't THAT bad, but I don't want to accept that as the norm. I know I can do better than that.
Honestly the main reason I want to do this is because of my mother. She is in her 40's and her skin is VERY bad and covered in scars. She tries to cover it with layers of heay foundation, which I'm sure just makes it worse. I see her and I feel like I'm looking into a grim crystal ball of my future and I want to stop my moderate skin issues before they get worse. Plus, I hate wearing makeup, I dont want to wear it to feel normal. Something else I should mention about my mother is that I do not get along with her, she is mentally ill and has substance abuse problems. I really don't want to look in the mirror and see my mom who has caused a lot of emotional damage to me. I guess you could say that this is more of a psychological problem than an acne problem, but either way, it is my decision and not one that I took lightly. When I told her I was considering this treatment, she first tried to talk me out of it because of the side effects, but after a little bit of discussion she said that she wishes she would have done it when she was younger, but she feels it is too late for her now. She actually is a very beautiful woman and it is sad that she uses all that pancake batter just to feel normal. I know there are a lot of other things going on inside her besides that, but I'm sure her skin makes her feel a lot worse.
I just started having skin issues last year and it has changed me. I used to be very outgoing and a lot more confident, since I started getting acne, I have become more reclusive, afraid to meet new people, avoid social situations and feel panicked when I see a camera. I avoid reflective surfaces because I don't want to see what I look like since I know there is nothing I can do about it. I try to keep a lot of how this makes me feel to myself because I know other people don't want to hear about it or just don't understand how it makes me feel. I don't feel like myself, I haven't for a long time. I just want my sense of identity back. I want to let someone touch my face when they kiss me without worrying if I will break out in the morning. I want to look people in the eyes when I talk to them and not look down at the floor because I feel self concious. I want to go camping wth my friend without lugging cleansers and shit with me and feel vain. I just want to feel normal.
After months of research an deliberation, I went to my dermatologist who I have been seeing for a year with little results. I was afraid I would have to struggle to make my case since my skin actually doesn't look that bad today, but she walked in and said, "You want to do the accutane?" and I said yes please, she said she thinks it's a good decision. She understood why I was doing this, I tried a year of everything else, and while this is going to be hard, it will make me very happy in the end. She made me feel very comfortable with my decision, assured me of it's 85% success rate and how she has been percribing it for 20 years and has never seen anyone experience serious side effects. She warned me of everything that can go wrong, which I was well aware of and told me what the next steps would be. She examined my face, chest and back. She mademe smile when she said my chest is completely clear and gave a thumbs up. Made me feel like she was saying, "Nice rack." When chicks approve of your chest, it jsut makes you feel accomplished for some reason. She appointed a lab where I would go get my blood tests and told me to go there for a pregnancy test this week, then come in next week to fill out all the paperwork and watch a health video of some sort. Then I will get my blood test, wait 30 days, and then I will be allowed to start taking the drug. She will follow up with me 1 month after I start taking it, which right now looks like late June or Early July. Sadly, my job is not letting me take an hour off work to come in for the paperwork, so I am trying to see if the nurse can come in a little earlier for me to do the paperwork and I wont miss work. (Otherwise I will need to wait weeks for approved time off and that will delay that waiting period even further.)
I checked with my insurance, and I have a high deductible policy, which means they pay for nothing until I meet a $2500 deductible, but then they pay for everything. Luckily, I just have to pay $233 more dollars out of expence, and then, everything, my drs. appointments, lab work, it will al be free. I have also decided to seek out the help of a councilor for the possible emotional side effects. Because I have mental illness in my family and a history of depression in life, (due to death in the family or breakups, nothing clinical.) I want to take all the precautions necesarry to make sure I will be okay durring this time. I have seen councilors before when I have felt depressed, each time I was afraid they wold diagnose me as turning into my mother, but thankfully, I was always simply diagnosed as having, "The Blues." I've never been on any medication for these occasions, I just mostly needed someone to talk to. I will set up some appointments again maybe once or twice a month to monitor my mental health and give me someone to talk to about what I am going through, which will also be free with insurance. (I love my job!)
This blog will also provide an outlet and hopefully help other people who are considering this drug as an option. Whatever reasons you have, they are your own, but I hope this makes your decision, whatever it might be, just a little easier. For me, the price of confidence and liking who I am a little bit more is worth 5 months of feeling like crap. I hope this works, I have a lot of faith that it will. I'll keep you updated, and thanks in advance for your support.