So I've been on a week of 40mg as of today. Ahhh...feels like good ol' times. But THIS TIME dammit, i will not allow the skin rashes, split lips, and scabs, that I did last time. NO NO NO. this is what I told accutane me: hey accutane, I haven't seen you in a while. How ya been? accutane: oh, good. ya know, just helping people but hurting them at the same time.. me: Ya, you do do that. Hmm... How about you NOT be an ass to me this time? accutane: ok, but dont pick and dont forget to use lotion/chapstick me: ok. Thanks accutane you're a pal accutane: get me a sandwich.
So not to discourage anyone, I still agree with my last post that accutane does work, but Iiiiiiii have to do it again. ugh. I figured it would happen. I knew that they were putting me on a low-dose to prevent side effects but my acne came back. So now I gotta do the full thing. Big bad prescription and all. At least I know what to expect this time... For first time users, if you have any questions, feel free to ask. I'm BAAAAAAACCCCKKKK!
So I thought I should come back and tell everyone (or the one person who might read this) about being post-accutane. IT IS FU**ING AMAZING. My skin has only gotten better. The red marks I had are fading, and I have not had a pimple since maybe the 4th month of my course (knock on wood). I went swimming yesterday for the first time in oh I dont know, probably around 5 years. Didn't think about my skin once. The only thing I am still weird about it eating greasy foods that have the potential to get on my skin. I don't know why. It's not even very rational, but I just do. I have come to some conclusions about accutane, and they are: 1. It will work. 2. It will be worth it. 3. It will suck being on it. 4. It should not be feared. As for all the psychological bullshit that people say comes with or post or whatever due to accutane. I can tell you one thing- sure, being on it was hard, it sucked bad, but NOTHING is more depressing than living miserably and hopelessly like I did pre-accutane. I have so much more confidence. And not just in the way that I look, I mean, that is where it starts, but it just continues from there. I feel liberated to do things I wouldn't have maybe tried before. Ask people out I had previously been afraid to. It has seriously changed my life, and I would do it all over again, and if ever need be WILL do it all over again in a heart beat. For anyone struggling. Hang in there. It WILL all work out. - Taylor <3
So I had a derm appointment yesterday to end my month 5. Now, I'm a little nervous to share this but I'm just going to be honest. So he checks me out, and he says, "Well I think we should stop now and not do the 6th month, your skin looks good, and I think your in remission." Great right? Should be great in theory, but I left the office and had like a full blown panic attack. I mean, I freaked the f*ck out. For some reason the thought of stopping early when I had been prepared for 6 months all this time really just didn't sit well with me. I know why too, its because a few months back when I went to my gyno for an appointment she told me, "Oh ya, my daughter did Accutane, but she stopped a few weeks early, and I think that really hindered her treatment because a lot of it came back. So make sure you do the full course." So with this in the back of my mind, I called my derms office (in tears) asking to be put on a 6th month. The nurse talked to the doc, and they said they would let me. I don't know why I got as much anxiety about the situation as I did. I'm pretty embarrassed. But so anyways, I'm doing a 6th month, and then the nurse also said after month 6th he can put me on a low low dose to ween my way off. Which I'm not sure I want. I just want the full 6 months and then that's that. Hopefully I wont have an issue with stopping after this last 30 days. It's weird how it kinda becomes apart of your routine. Just like how before I went on accutane I was afraid of what would happen, now to be off of it I'm afraid of what will happen. Skin look good tho, few stubborn scares still. But I think those will definitely fad with time, especially when I'm off the accutane.
So I leave to go to my sister's wedding today and I'm feeling a little anxious, ok a lot anxious. A freakin scar on my jawline has decided to be a weirdo and resurface into a scab.. so that's just great. PERFECT TIMING! That is another thing about accutane- if you think all is well and can relax, wait for it...you're probably wrong. Not to sound pessimistic, and don't get me wrong, the rest of my face looks good, but wtf is this shit with my scars always resurfacing!?? Go the hell away scars! My mom always says that its a good thing they are "sloughing off." I am apparently supposed to find this comforting. There are a few things in my life I would like to "slough off".. some ex boyfriends... some weight... my face? No, no my face is not something I like to "slough off." Looks like I'm gunna have to lay on the concealer! woo-hoo! not. Tonight is the bachelorette party. I fully intend on getting tipsy and forgetting I even have a face. I may post a picture here soon so that everyone can see the horror and not just take my word for it.
half way done! woot woot!! I'm stoked to be half way done, but it is the weirdest feeling because at the same time I'm afraid to be off it. I guess I'm afraid it wont work, which is a little silly because I know it is...I'm totally being paranoid, but it's hard when you feel like this is your last hope. What happens if it doesn't work? My sister's wedding is in a few weeks, in late March, I reeeeealllly hope my skin stays clear and looks good for it. Otherwise I guess I'll just have to pack on the make-up! I hate the feeling of cakeyness but with events like that, you don't really have a choice. And in other news, my arms and lips are driving me crazy!!!! I really want this rash on my arm to go away! it hurts! It looks horrible! It is just annoying as hell. And my lip has a crack in it that if i forget to put chapstick on for a hour will open and bleed. Which is so hot. Especially if you are talking to an attractive guy (like I was the other day when he goes, "um, your lips bleeding." luckily we are friends so I wasn't too embarrassed.) Hope everything is going well for everyone else LoVe
Well. My skin looks good. Waiting for some scares to fade and it will be terrific. Yesterday I went on a date, and I wasn't even worried about my skin at all. Still, I hate first dates. There is nothing more awkward than a first date. And it went ok, I'm just not ready to date I don't think. Plus, I have another 3 months of this and I just would really rather get it all done with before I start dating someone new. I'm really happy I 'm not with my ex boyfriend during this time tho. I knew we weren't right so I think if we were still together I would be using him for the comfort and not because it was right. Then how horrible would it be if one I'm done with my treatment to be like, welp, thanks for the support, bye. No way, I would feel indebted to him. So this is just much better, and I'm proud of myself for going it alone. We'll see what happens. Maybe if I learn to trust this guy I went on a date with last night then I will give him a shot. I just really have a hard time letting guys in. So he'll really have to prove himself before getting over my great wall. And in the mean time, lets hope my skin stays clear
We'll I'm pretty proud of myself. I didn't go to a superbowl party and drink yesterday. WOO. Go Taylor Go. Although I don't think drinking effects my skin, I do always get an eczema flare up on my arm. My face is pretty much the same. I never knew how much stuff was apparently begging to come out on my chin. It is a odd feeling when you can feel a zit or cyst under the skin for a while and then it finally surfaces. there is kinda a mix of emotions for me, because on one hand I'm happy and relieved that it has finally surfaced but than it also scares me with what it might do next..will it slowly go away? will it be a scabber? should i maybe try to pop it? Ya know, all these thoughts. It would probably be easier just never to think about it, but I know that's not going to happen.
So. Things are getting better...I guess.. Some days it seems like it is getting worse, but I guess overall my skin is improving. I think the motto for accutane should be "every time you think it can't get worse, it will get worse, until you're exhausted and don't care anymore." at least that's how I feel. I knew going into this that it was going to be a mental challenge as well as physical, but this is really starting to wear on me. I'm tired of not knowing what I'm going to wake up to, and worrying about someone I know is judgmental seeing me on a bad breakout day (I'm not so much anymore, but in high school I was friends with very superficial girls who judge things like this, and I still bump into them on my college campus sometimes). Oh well, Here's to month three...