Everything you said, is exactly how I feel. It's probably how a lot of people feel. I try to smile, and I try my very best to ignore it, but then I go bed, and wash my face, and have to be reminded again, and again, this nagging battle I have within myself.
And what hurts me, is people who don't have it, will NEVER understand. I try and open up to people about it, people in my family, they say it just doesn't really look bad. That is no big deal. They have no idea how much it hurts emotionally. I wish I could be strong enough to not let it hold me back, but it does, because it cuts down my very inner being. I say that all the time, "why can I just be normal?" I talked to one of my very dearest friends about it, opened up to her, and she kinda laughed at me, like what are you talking about? Sometimes its not so much the spots, but the turmoil inside that people don't GET to see.
I've given up on my makeup for the most part, it used to be something I enjoyed, now it just feels like a mask, and I think its makes me look ever worse, cakey mess. So why bother. Why bother with any of it.
I'm sure you know this, but you're not alone. Even if it feels like it.
PS I've had acne since I was 12. Now I'm 30. LOL. What a joke.