So i just spent like 30 minutes simply trying to muster the courage to just ask my mom because i knew i'd likely start crying. So i called her from my room and she was in her room. And i said why wont you let me go on accutane? And she said oh shut up. Not that again. Dont even ask anymore... and now im crying, as always.
So i'm telling you guys this so that it can make my situation more clear so i can get better help because im so fucking desperate. So i feel part of the reason why my mom is so opposed to accutane is because a couple years ago a cyst was found in her ovary, and she had it removed. Then a couple years later another one was found and it was cancerous so she had her ovaries removed. But i guess the first time doctors told her it was nothing to worry about, so she felt i guess betrayed by doctors and now thinks bad of them since another one turned out to be cancerous. She feels the doctors lied to her. So i feel that her bad experiences with doctors are why shes acting like this, but its unfair. And either way, the doctors cant predict the future, so she shouldnt blame it on them. Its not their fault the cyst was cancerous. And not all doctors are the same. Yet she sees every doctor as money hungry beasts that dont give a shit about their patients.
Anyways, today i was thinking about talking to her. But then she comes in my room all serious and tells me my brother's girlfriends mom has colon cancer and then she goes on about how we have to eat healthy and natural and how doctors are liars. So this has made my situation harder </3
I hope this doesnt make me sound like a selfish bitch, because i truly am sorry about my brothers girlfriends mom and i do care about my own mother. But just because she's gone through some hardships doesnt mean she has to make my life harder. For the past few weeks, i havent gone a day without crying. I sleep all day because i dont have any motivation for anything else. I'm falling apart. And everytime i come back to post on this thread, i think to myself "damn im making such a big deal out of this" but i cant help it. I remember just a year ago when the term "fuck my life" became popular, i would hate when people say it. And now here i am, and i feel like my life is fucked. Over such a small thing, compared to what some others are going through. That can be fixed by a simple pill. Damn.
edit: also everytime i talk to my mom i sound very quiet and tired. She's started asking me whats wrong and i say nothing. Then she was all like, did you have a bad breakup or something? I just laugh because how ironic. Acne has made me ugly and icky and i cant even think about boys. Then she goes on and on about how boys arent worth getting sad over, all while i'm just laughing and laughing because i know damn well that no boy likes me and because thats just such a dumb thing to say considering how ugly i look. And i mean, after that day when i broke down, its pretty obvious that if somethings bothering me, its the acne.
Just because it causes bad side effects for others doesn't mean it will for me. I'm not going to approach what could potentially save me in fear. I understand the risks and I still want to take it more than ever. Thanks for the concern though.