For nearly two years now (I'm a sophmore at Community College and 19), severe acne and acne scars have been killing my self-esteem. And I'm at a loss about what to do. I've been left with these scars now for about a year now, which have made me severely depressed. My acne scars have left me disfigured. And the emotional distress is unbearable. At points, I don't even feel like a human being; I feel like a monster--or, the Hunchback of Notredame because all I want to do is lock myself away from the anxieties caused by society. I truly wish I could live at a point in history where money and physical power have more influence on quality of life or finding a spouse than looks--like the Middle Ages. Furthermore, I haven't ever seen someone with worse scarring then me (aside from the horrific google image pictures), and this only adds to the depression. I also often think about death although I don't have it in me to take my own life, and I wonder if I'm doomed to spend life alone with out a wife and family.
The worse thing about the scars is the looks you get from people. Kids often come to my workplace, and their innocent glares hurt. They look at my face because I look different. It really kills me inside when one comes up to me and says why do you have boo boos all over your face. Even one of my best friends recently has, as I believe, come to dislike me because of my scars. When hanging out, I've noticed he has started to favor my twin brother who is gorgeous with near perfect skin and talks to me less. He asks for hugs (he is a touchy person, not gay) from my twin brother, but not me recently. I also congratulated him on getting a girlfriend the the other day, and said she was pretty cute, which I think he took the wrong way--I guess "pretty cute" may have not been good enough. Then he looked up at me and followed with "yeah well she at least isn't deformed or anything." Wtf? Random. Are you self-projecting your thoughts of me? Asshole. He used to be such a supportive and good in the past too even though I never really talk about my scars with everyone.
As mentioned above, I also have a twin brother that I live with . He's been recruited by people to model, and every time I look at him I feel resentment. He can hook up with more girls in a night than I ever have in my life (including before I suffered severe acne) And I ask myself "why did it have to be me?" As gross as that is.
In my family, I also feel like a black sheep that is unwanted: My father makes over $250,000 a year, yet I seriously doubt he would help me out with treatments. When mentioning acne scar treatments one time (after my derm brought it up and while I was uninformed), my father said, "Go for it as long it is COVERED by insurance", which we know isn't covered. He even refused to pay for my college. I was at the top 2% (GPA wise) in my high school, and got accepted to a top University, which I did attend for a year (I took out loans to pay for it). He told me he couldn't afford it; then, two weeks after telling me this, he bought a Twin Turbo Porsche on a whim. The most horrible thing is, despite all of this, he has offered to pay for my twin's college tuition on multiple accounts (he is a college dropout) while he has yet to do the same for me--talk about favorites right. It's completely f***ed up.
Despite all this, my life looks good on paper. I have worked hard to make it that way, and have begun saving up for treatments (Laser, subsicion, ect.) although I truly doubt the treatments will help me to a point where I can be satisfied with my skin. I try to live positively, but all the constant reminders that I have stated above make it hard to cope with. With acne, I never had a problem because I always imagined it would go away; it gave me hope of a life without it at some point. However, scars are permanent, and I feel I will be plagued by these anxieties for the rest of my life. So, back to the question at hand, how does one come to self-acceptance of your scars?
Sorry for venting,
Thanks in advance.