Oh man...this is so me, all of it. Vacations are supposed to be fun and relaxing, but I'm always terrified of lighting everywhere I go. I have family in southern California I occasionally visit and as much as I love spending time with them, I absolutely do not feel comfortable in sunlight or any "bad" lighting, even if it's my own family. Like you even just seeing sunlight coming in from a window gives me a panic attack, I instantly start thinking about how my skin looks in sunlight and end up having to close the blinds or cover them somehow. It's very distressing. I think part of what makes me incredibly insecure over my scarring is the fact that I've had multiple people bring it up or ask about it. It's bad enough when a physical flaw makes you insecure, but when other people acknowledge they notice it too it's pretty hurtful. Scarring combined with mental health issues have really held me back from living a full life, even going to school and working is a living hell, even worse no one truly understands the emotional impact of scarring which only makes you feel more isolated from everyone else.
So I went for a walk outside my hotel today and ended up sitting on a bench crying. It was awful. Ironically as I sat there thinking of my hideous skin and the many different aspects of my life it has destroyed, a man was walking by and called me beautiful, in my mind I thought get me into the wrong lighting and you'll see how beautiful I can be.
I can no longer handle my life. As I was sitting there I decided many things, one of which was that upon returning to Canada, I am going to give my 1 months notice and quit my job. I am going to take the next year to just deal with these scars. Get as many treatments done as I can possibly afford without having to stress about getting time off for recovery. I really need to do this. If can't improve my scars by at least 75-85% I can not be happy. I felt so lonesome and broken today as I sat there and cried. This vacation really made me realize how much I am not living life to it's greatest potential. I thought many times before to just quit my job until I am mentally well but always didn't because I didn't want to be looked upon as a loser or a weak person but I've been such a strong girl these past few years but this battle has really began to wear me out.
I've always been an outdoorsy type of girl. I enjoyed hiking, beaches, picnics, outdoor yoga, bike riding, running etc, etc. Since these scars happened I am no longer that girl. Mainly because of lighting. I just do not feel at all comfortable with sunlight. To the point that when I see it pouring through the window I get so annoyed. Dark, gloomy days are where it's at for me. Yesterday my bf took me out to eat at a restaurant and I felt so uncomfortable because of the lighting there. Ugh can't enjoy anything. I'm so happy we're long distance for the time being, I can't handle date nights they aren't fun anymore just stressful. He wants to me to move out here with him and get married. But If my skin doesn't get better I think I will break up with him because I'm not the type of person anyone should be in a relationship with. I'm never going to feel comfortable meeting his friends & family, although I did meet his dad once and he seemed to like me. And also, I wonder what if his family invites us out for a BBQ, or some outdoor event during daylight hours what am I going to do? What if we have kids one day? I'm going to have to take them to a lot of out door functions. Ya no kids for me until these scars improve. It's terrifying how a handful of scars can change your future so much.