I am feeling exactly like you right now. The last 2 months have been absolute hell for me, the worst my skin ever has been. I too feel like a monster, I hide inside all the time and have the worst anxiety ever.
I'm 47 years old and have been dealing w acne my whole life..it didn't turn cystic until my early 40s. I've been able to deal with it somewhat ok bc I never wld really get more than 1 or 2 at a time, and I would always go get cortisone shots. I could have weeks of being clear. That all changed a little over 2 months ago. It has been brutal..I get upto 5 cysts at a time..i'll get them shot, and more just appear. I breakout everyday now, I cry everyday now..its just horrible.
I went to endo and got my hormones tested..testosterone came back so high she actually thinks it was a mistake. Went back yesterday for another blood test and now have to wait for the results. I practically begged her to put me on spiro then and there, she refused saying if my testosterone reading was right, that spiro wldnt even put a dent in it. She says if my testosterone comes back that high again i'm going to have to go for other tests. I feel so lost and hopeless.
Its frustrating that I have the ability to be able to go to all the Drs I need to go, but yet have not been able to find a solution yet. I look in the mirror and cant believe its my face that looks like this. I think the worst part is the anxiety I feel, especially when I wake up..I lie in bed and feel for new spots, takes me forever to get out of bed.
Just wanted you to know you're not alone..i feel exactly the same way. But please be hopeful, you are on the best treatment for acne. For the majority of people it always gets bad first couple of months and then they start to clear up, you just have to get thru the terrible IB...I'm sure you've read tons of Accutane logs on here, everyone thinks theres no way Accutane is going to work for them..and then BAM, they hit the magical time where it starts to work. I know its so hard to get thru all this, but I just know in a couple of months you are going to have smile on your face!!