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#1 panicjack

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Posted 15 April 2014 - 07:48 AM

hey guys,
first of all, I don't mean to put you down through this forum as we hope we found interesting things here that help us to overcome problems related to acne. I just want to tell here based on what happened in my life as I am so desperated that there's no day without thinking of ending my life. I don't know who I should talk to, hopefully I dont hurt everybody here.

High school was still good place for me. That doesn't mean I could enjoy my life like my classmates. The reason I was happy because my school using uniform and the guys also not from high class and I am many times treated well from my friends who cared me so much. At the first year of school, it was so difficult to get 'help' from class mates. They seem so bad and selfish. They talk proudly about theirselves. I realized sometimes later that it might be not that bad I thought. They just want to get 'admitted & accepted' by others. I was so quiet coz I didn't know what I had to talk. Then in the 1st year, I didn't have any friend to hang out with. Normally, at my age people have many friends and spend all days with friends. Then some time later, one of my friend felt me I was always lonely. He then sit behind me and talked to me just to entertain me. after I felt a bit more comfortable with him I was invited by him to join friends that usually spent a lot of time at back of the class. He always cared me. Then one by one, I became to know one by one. He always act funny behind me so I could laugh. When bad happens to me he always defend me. I know at my age, naughty was acceptable. I didnt realize why many class mates were not interested in me to talk to. may be I had not interesting thing to talk? to be honest, girls treated me much cruel. I am shy yes. I am not handsome yes. But, in my elementary school I was just fine. may be I was too young. But when first time I went to junior high school, I was Just shy also. But my friends were still talking to me and got near me also. They did not feel uncomfortable. Even, there are two girls falling in love with me. I didn't know why. I was just a guy that was so shy, and staying cool all the time. But I didn't feel uncomfortable only to walk in a crowd. In the second year, acne attacked my face. No girl, even boy gave me respects. I didnt care acne I heard just temporary disease like cough and I would get my skin normal again after it healed itself. It was so wrong. I am so angry to remember this time once my acne appears. I anger toward my parents. I always wonder why such disease not to be considered as a serious problem. My skin have showed its unnormal acne at first time comparing to my father when he was at my age. Again, I am so angry. They are not educated enough to get help to at least control my acne. They ignored dermatologist although my mother is a nurse. And I don't like my father's act that always pretend as an educated man but always blamed me for what happened to my face. He even said I was so dirty, in fact he forbid my mother to clean my room if she felt it was dirty. My father knew how it affects daily life to have acne but OMG He's so ignorant! At the end of last year in my middle school my acne got worse amd worse! I didnt know what is acne and scars! I think if acne is gone, scars would heal itself. Again I was so wrong! In my first year of high school like I told you above, everything run not smooth to have friends to talk to but it was still good. I got to know friends but none of them now I still keep on touch. Not even one.

At the first year, that was first time I got medication in dermatologist. Thanks to my mom. But my father didnt even agree it. He did't even spend money to dermatologist. He believe it was just temporary. But I didn't understand at all the way of thinking of my father. he didnt even give any solution but keep on blaming me. OMG! After going home from work, if I see my reflection in mirror if he looked then he would should loudly and ask me to leave it alone and be serious at school. I know it was not good to obsess with skin. But he just so frightened me so much if I was doing something wrong. I was even carefully to see the situation around if I bring a mirror. I didnt want to get hurt by his words. He never talked to me calmly and lovely. Each of his words is a command. He didnt give me reason why I should do his order. I could not think it too much here, it will drive me so crazy how father can treat his son like that.

I'm university student. I really want to drop out for sure. Every one looks so pretty and handsome. I do not know what I should do.

The life of the university makes me much obsessing about skin. I realize that the people here actually are uncomfortable to get friend lke me as acne and its scars sufferer. I have tried to make friends as I can but it is so difficult. Every man in my class always talk about girl. and I am the only one who never had in relationship. That makes people not comfotable sitting beside me. Because when they're talking about girl they know I am too depressed to get involved. Even one of males in my class declares that me as a Gay. I dont mean to insult any gay. Nothing is wrong with gay. But if it is not true I am not a gay, why he should talk to others I am a gay. I know I am always lonely. At home I do not have any friend, my sibling because the wrong my parents gave the education, we dont talk each other with my brother and sister. everyone in my family has its own bussiness. But I am not as lucky as them that they do not have any acne and scars problem.

at college, I cant stand longer I just go home if lecture is over. And I cannot enjoy days with friends there.

I know some males really focused on the study, but they are so handsome and so prerry and also smart and extrovert. That's why I cant get any group in college. I am always alone.

I am wriring this actually, I have just went home after college. But while I.was attending my last class today. Like usually, I was sitting lonely behind then my friend called me to come. "What happened?" he asked. I dont know what he suppose to, I asked to clarify "What do you mean?". he then, "what happened to your face, many commedos and many dead skins. are you inherited?" I don't know if he also refered to holes in my face coz I am littered by this craters on my face. I answered " I do not know exactly why my face look like this. I think yes, I am inherited. My father when he was young had it but not this severe. But why you ask me about this. I d not why I have to face this" he then, "You know,, It's so noticable even from far distance. Your face have many commedos. (he ask friend). Do you guy notice his face littered by many commedos? You see,, I don't lie.. Ok. just follow my advice, you buy any kind of facial oil and razor. You rub your face with that oil. Then using the razor to CUT OFF the skin from your face." he was lol.

I get so hurt why I must face this. Once I got home I looked at the mirror and say OMG, My face is so red and scars so noticable. I looked like a bad person, not friendly. My face is really affecting me in every single event I must attend. I hate I must face this. I actuqlly wanted to drop out college a year ago. But my father forbid me and force me to attend it. He may be right for his reason a better future. but I dont find any future with this life. College just made me angry and depressed. He even scared me I will be nothing but just be his burden. if you want to drop out you must find a job. Then he told me he was doubt one will give me any job because I am just a looser.

What should I do now? if I am offered a job with less contact to people and just to make sure I can live separated from parents I will accept it.

What job can I apply? I do not like going to college. I never seriously learn. I dont think I will develop my self in the college

#2 perigon

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Posted 21 April 2014 - 02:56 AM

It sounds like you've had it rough buddy. I can relate somewhat with the father thing and college. But the abuse you say you got from people is unacceptable really. Where are you living at the moment? People usually are not that cruel in most parts of the world.

 

I sometimes get frustrated with my father and even mother sometimes. They never really had acne and subsequent scarring. As a result they come across as being naive when they constantly told me over the years that it was just a small thing that i shouldn't worry about.

 

College can be tough. You see people with close to perfect skin walking around the place who seem to be thriving. My best advice is firstly to not drop out. While life may be tough now, you're going to be making it a lot tougher for yourself if you have no qualifications under your belt. Secondly try joining a club/society at the start of the next college term. There are good people out there who will be your friend, you sometimes just got to go looking for them.

 

If you would like any more advice please feel free to pm me.



#3 LyannaStark

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Posted 21 April 2014 - 06:13 AM

I am sorry you feel this way and that you're not getting support from your family and friends. I can relate to an extent - my mother always points out the bad faults in me. I will be talking to her about something and she will just be staring at my face and interrupt me to ask why my face is so bad. This always upsets me because I am doing all I can and I don't KNOW why I have such troublesome skin!

 

My advice would be don't drop out of college... I didn't finish my university degree because I suffered mild social issues and I regret it to this day. I had no friends and would go home straight after lectures after sitting silently not contributing to any discussions. I know I'm not experiencing the same thing as you currently are, but just remember that no one is perfectly happy and content with life. Those other students you see who seem so pretty and happy might go home and suffer their insecurities or sadness in private. Unfortunately for us acne sufferers, our insecurities is on our face and people who are insensitive will always remind us of that..

Try to finish college, it'll give you more options to chose from when you will look for a job, (which may then allow you to afford more options to treat your acne)....

Future employers will not be as cruel as your father has been. They will give you a fair chance based on your skills, not your skin.



#4 panicjack

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Posted 22 April 2014 - 04:18 AM

@perigon, I don't want you to judge people from my country though. I know that some people still care that i'm just a weak person. I know when some students treated me unfairly then sometimes one will tell them to stop and he/she feels so sorry to me. I'm not a person that can be friends with everyone. And honestly, college are more tough than school. I know I must be responsible to my own life and must be independent not to blame friends if I can't do anything espexially to just socialize to other students. I see a lot of my college mates don't have any difficulty to make joke and talk to others. They're using phones to communicate with other peers while I just use my phone just to pretend i'm okay. I even don't have contacts to talk to. Today, in a library when I got assigment group from lecturers of 3 people. Only me looks so lonely. One next to me got a msg, asking him to join them billiard but simply he shouted and replied that he was not interested in. Omg how easy to answer like that. If I were him that didn't have acne scars at all, I would join and enjoy the game. Before in the library, I went to canteen, honestly I hate to come this place that is crowded. I see empty table but no chair. Then I asked a very very gorgeous girl with smooth, light and acne clear skin to let me have the empty chair next to her but I didn't even look at her face at all (you know why)so I supposed she let me go but she didn't, I just realized when I was bringing the chair to the table , a man told me to give back the chair to the girl and he brought me another. I was so embarassed. What the hell!! Then I just did the thing I do as usually, I just opened my phone to pretend I am okay. Im just an odd guy. I don't have a confidence at all especially to a woman.

I m actually so confused about my life. I'm just useless. I swear if I don't live this life, the world that I see now would not lose anything. I miss my skin in the past. I could go cycling every time I wanted without worrying how horrible my face is. I miss when I was going to market and meet a lot of people and see the trade between buyers and sellers. Now, I am so afraid of going somewhere with crowd in it.

Sorry too much complaints..

#5 panicjack

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Posted 22 April 2014 - 05:29 AM

I am sorry you feel this way and that you're not getting support from your family and friends. I can relate to an extent - my mother always points out the bad faults in me. I will be talking to her about something and she will just be staring at my face and interrupt me to ask why my face is so bad. This always upsets me because I am doing all I can and I don't KNOW why I have such troublesome skin!
 
My advice would be don't drop out of college... I didn't finish my university degree because I suffered mild social issues and I regret it to this day. I had no friends and would go home straight after lectures after sitting silently not contributing to any discussions. I know I'm not experiencing the same thing as you currently are, but just remember that no one is perfectly happy and content with life. Those other students you see who seem so pretty and happy might go home and suffer their insecurities or sadness in private. Unfortunately for us acne sufferers, our insecurities is on our face and people who are insensitive will always remind us of that..
Try to finish college, it'll give you more options to chose from when you will look for a job, (which may then allow you to afford more options to treat your acne)....
Future employers will not be as cruel as your father has been. They will give you a fair chance based on your skills, not your skin.

Thanks for the advice, but I really don't see my point to go to college. I am taking a languange education, this field need a skill of communication how to be a good speaker or educator in front of a lot of people. I really can't communicate well. I often miss a lot of important points when listening to somebody's speaking. You know I was growing up in a family that has a father that only can give an order not to teach with a love and care. if I ignore him I will get mocked or hit. And I often ignored then I got lots of mockings. I really don't have a chance to develop my communication skill that is why I am so boring person. When I needed an important phone just like my class mates in first year of my middle school, I had to take my savings in the 3rd year and going to the shop lonely and before my mom often asked my father to buy me, but he got mad and yelled at me so often. I physically now am not interesting and social skill is bad.
I wonder why God let the person like me to live. Were I born in the past life and I made a unforgivable mistake then thia ia now the punishment? I totally fail in faith.
Sorry, i'm telling unimportant thing here.
Go back to my acne scars problem, Must I take another field? I mean like a agronomy or engineering frields? This study now i'm taking I honestly tell I dont have a desire. I prefer to get work and earn money. At least I can move and enjoy the atmosphere outside. I am writing this in my room and lonely. My class mates would not be able to live like me if we could exchange our life. I'm bored and I so hate my life.I hate this isolation.

About the groups I can join. There are actually so many in my college. I have tried one of them and I failed again, it's hard to make friends. They always tell everything each other, friends, foods, movies, family and I don't have at all. I dont know how to begin the conversation and respons tht talking. They just found me I have a person who has no facial expression and scarred face. That's all. You know I got an assignment to make something together. A pair i'm with girl I said honestly she is not so beautiful and I have tried to talk anything to her with all the best I can. When we had to buy something, she always made her walk quicker so not walking beside me. She's different when I saw her walking together with another guy. Ok, i'm boring then I have acne scars. My problem is much complex.

I always do day dreaming. But to be honest, I just want to have a normal life like the people around me. I dont need to be rich, or live in glamorous.

#6 Mrlovalova

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Posted 22 April 2014 - 12:24 PM

hey dude,

 

reading your posts you come across as a very intelligent and self-aware guy, probably more than most of the people you consider happy and successful around college , trust me.

 

in spite of that, you seem to have a wrong and low image of yourself, probably induced by the people who surrounded you at stages in your life (whether it's close family or friends in school). sometimes when you lack that support for a long time, it's hard to regain faith in yourself.

 

i'm not saying don't put effort into trying to better your acne/scars, but i'm gonna say that maybe going for some emotional/communicational therapy might do you more good than any laser or scalpel can.

 

a lot of people around me have visited a psychologist at least once, most of them were skeptical at first, but i can say that almost all continued on seeing them a couple of times, and had said it has benefited them tremendously.

 

we all have baggage we carry, some feel fine  sharing with close family or friends, some just don't, so there's no shame in going to vent and maybe work on some aspects of our lives with a neutral trained proffesional.

 

it can also help you reach better decisions in life, such as career paths. i'll just add on that matter - if you dont see yourself working in the field you're currently studying, it's never too late to back up and choose something you like.

 

just my 2cents,

 

if you need any advice or help you're welcome to pm me.


Edited by Mrlovalova, 22 April 2014 - 12:27 PM.


#7 panicjack

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Posted 24 April 2014 - 04:56 AM

Mrlovalova, that's right! It's all me you tell exactly. I never got a support especially to know who I am. I tell you the truth, I don't really feel I have a family.  I don't think my family would consider me to go a phychologist. They don't educate enough to believe in this part of the human's support. They won't waste their money onto phycologist, My father life was hard and he always insisted it on his children. I actually know some friends also going to a psycologist but I do not know why such people must go to a psycologist, as I know there was a girl who lives happily, has a lot of friends and get all attention from many people, all the needs even have been fulfilled by his parents and she is so beautiful but then she went to a psychologist. Isn't that a stupid waste of money? Or I  really have  had so serious mental illness so can't compare between people with mental illness and a normal life? You know to treat this acne, it's all my blame. Even though, I saved some money and go to psychologist my self. I wouldn't truly get out of this trouble of life I guess. But thanks I appreciate your answer. Now the topic is at all out of acne problem. I'm so sorry.  Ok, I'll pm next time..



#8 panicjack

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Posted 29 April 2014 - 06:07 AM

I have just gone home after class. I want to lenghten my hair to cover up my acne scars. Someone has commented on my appearance to cut my hair short. He said I look so dirty, and my face is not suitable for having long hair. So basically, I look so disgusting. I have bought vit. C serum for my face on few days recently and I felt my face is brighter and not so red. AFter going home, I look in a mirror and my scars looked better. But I feel so down knowing that I look so disgusting from a good looking guy in my class. I want to get out this university, so recently I study hard to pass my exam in a well-known public university in my city to take a field based on science. I know it's hard and I may not be accepted on that university because the competitors are hundreds. I wonder may I can do change my attitude and get respected a little bit more than now or I would get the same treat just like now if only i got accepted. I really feel not good now. The people are so rich and good appearance. I'm always lonely I feel I dont match to get around these people. What do you think guys?



#9 DarkBluePhase

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Posted 29 April 2014 - 02:03 PM

Hi panicjack,

 

I am struggling with the most horrible acne of my life, and I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to have people in your life point this out to you (as if you could forget). Especially your loved ones likes your Dad not taking this seriously and understanding the emotional and psychological effects that acne has on someone. 

 

My advice is to find someone in your life who you know cares about you. Does your mom care more than your dad? Can you talk to her about how horrible this is for you? I find that bottling emotions up can be the worst thing you can do, and it's quite freeing to be able to share how you feel with someone else. I know you feel a lot of shame because of your acne, but you will only continue to feel more shame if you do not open up to someone.

 

Regarding the other people pointing out your acne...just know that they must be going through their own difficulties and struggles to pick on you. It's sad that they have to do that probably to make themselves feel better, but just know that going through this is making you a stronger, and more empathetic person. Everything does happen for a reason, and just know that the pain in temporary...I try to remind myself of that.



#10 panicjack

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Posted 06 May 2014 - 08:11 AM

To find someone in my life, that's impossible. I do not have any. My social skill is so bad. I tried and I failed. Acne scars makes my life harder much. You know how I lived my life. I think I can't grow old. I won't have a family like normal people. I feel I couldn't handle much longer anymore. I'm doubt my life would reach at the age of 25. Acne leads me to be almost a strong atheist. For some months or few years from now, I'm doubt I still alive. 






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