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#21 Kim28

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Posted 19 December 2013 - 11:02 PM

Thanks, Persnickity! I'm looking forward to following your log too. It does seem to me that it is a bit of a different experience doing this in my mid-thirties than it was in my twenties, but that could also be because it's my second time riding this pony. I also think I'm just generally more annoyed with the side effects this time (dry lips and hands) because my progress is slower. Last time I loved the side effects because they reassured me that I was acne-free! I hope to get back to the loving chapped lips place again.

 

The last couple days have been a bit of a bummer. I got a cyst right in the middle of my cheek. I do get these, but they are more rare than the ones on my chin and I HATE THEM! SOOOOOO ouchy. It's an ouchy sort of zit to begin with, and Accutane makes all zits hurt a million times more - at least that is how it seems to me. I can get a tiny whitehead and it feels lie I am being stabbed.

I had a little cluster of bumps on the side of my chin under my lip that have been surfacing one by one this week. It's like a chain reaction. I noticed it on my upper lip, too. I had a bunch of bumps that did nothing for a long time, and then all turned into whiteheads and left within a week. No other things there since. So I'm hoping for the same here, I guess? There's more little bumps, though, so the process is unpleasant. Already three decent sized whiteheads popped out this week - every time one ends another begins.

 

So it's been an annoying few days, but I would have to say that things have not gotten worse, and are not as bad as they were around week 4 (I'm now hitting week 6 I guess). I think time slowed down, though. The first 30 days flew by and now I am in a funk!

 

Log: I cyst on my cheek. Normally i would have something like this for weeks. Accutane style, it showed up yesterday and today burst open in the shower. It just sort of leaked, I think the infection just broke the skin a bit. Yuck. Oversharing perhaps, there? Hoping the brutal honesty of my logging will help me to identify the real progress if it ever comes.

Bunch of whiteheads below my lip. Only one is active, but it is the third in a row. It's like its trying to create a little connect the dots of red marks there. Someday I should connect all the dots, to see what my face draws.

Spent some sad time looking at some new scars today. Some are pretty deep, and having had them before, I know their type and that they will never fully go away. My cross to bear, I guess.

 

Still hoping for brighter days.

My parents come into town tonight for the holidays. They have been away since this got bad, so this is going to be hard. My mom will be so worried because I'm sure she hasn't forgotten the last time either, or what the healing meant to me. I know she will be so sad for me, and it breaks my heart.



#22 yunchang

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Posted 20 December 2013 - 01:50 AM

Ah, the purge. I remember when this happened to me around month 2. Not fun. There were times I didn't want to see anyone. I started getting acne where I never got acne. But never lose hope! It is a long treatment for a good reason! 



#23 ciaraki13

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Posted 20 December 2013 - 09:20 AM

Kim, I think if you joined the dots as you were contemplating, they would say "YOU ARE FABULOUS". Because you are. Keep  moving forward. I hope you have a great Christmas with your family and that the acne (f*ck you acne!!) doesn't stop you from doing the things that you enjoy. I know it's very hard for it not to.



#24 PersnickityChick

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Posted 20 December 2013 - 08:53 PM

Ouch.  I do know the cysts are bad.  I've got one forming right near my hair line right now, and one forming on my scalp, toward the back of my head.  I thought at first that I must have bashed my head, but... no such luck, if that can be considered luck. 



#25 Kim28

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Posted 21 December 2013 - 12:46 AM

Not the best day. Thanks to everyone for the encouragement.

The thing on my cheek really bothers me because it hurts and it's really red.

I also have a tiny whitehead under my lip that I noticed this morning. For some reason (paranoia being that reason), I was super convinced all day that it hurt and that it was turning into something awful.

Came home to the same little, painless whitehead.

Fuck this acne.

Those two things are all there really is to report.

Day 43, I think? Something like that. Still hoping for a less painful new year. Really that is what I want - to stop having things that hurt.



#26 Kim28

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Posted 21 December 2013 - 11:39 PM

Day 45. I thought it was 44, but I seem to be on my 45th pill, and pretty sure I didn't mess up and take two.

Best day yet. In this course of Accutane, that is. Looked in the mirror (post make-up) and actually thought I looked pretty.

No active acne! At least the way I look at it, which means there is nothing painful on my face.

My cheek cyst seems to be content with draining a bit there, and today it does not hurt and it a lot flatter, so I think it is going away. Still looks awful, but having it not hurt is huge to me. My little whitehead is gone without much fanfare - just dried up and went away without me really noticing when or how.

I still have quite a few little clogged pores (which usually turn into something unpleasant eventually), and lots of random bumps from large cysts that are healing now. Having just had a super-yucky event (cheek cyst) pop up only two days ago, I know this is far from over. BUT - this is literally the first day since the beginning of September (sad I remember the moment so well) that I have not had a painful active zit on my face. Surely that is a good sign, right?

I felt a little bit like God was having mercy on me (not really a believer but always wondering) because we had a holiday party with lots of friends I haven't seen in a while today, plus my parents were back from extended vacation. No one looked like they were horrified by me, so that was nice. Thank yous go out to Estee Lauder for that, too.

So - trying to keep sane and reasonable and know that I will probably have something tomorrow, but even just this one day is a good sign. I feel like maybe I am starting to poke through the surface. A few weeks ago I had about 8-10 active events on my face. It's hard, though, because moments like these really get your hopes up, and hope crushing is the worst for me and so far always happens.

Happy, but scared. So it goes.



#27 PersnickityChick

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Posted 22 December 2013 - 03:29 AM

Hooray for you!!! So glad that your event with your friends and family went well, and that the pain is gone from your cheek cyst.  I hope it continues to heal, and maybe will be gone soon. 



#28 Kim28

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Posted 22 December 2013 - 11:59 PM

Day 46: 1 pimple on my chin emerged today. It was sort of a relief, because I knew I wasn't about to clear up overnight and all I really want is for the cysts to stop. This one doesn't hurt when I move my face or anything like that, so it is my friend. It is also just one pimple and that is pretty amazing.

Still fighting with a lot of fear and paranoia, but glad to have had a couple brighter days.



#29 Kim28

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Posted 23 December 2013 - 11:51 PM

Day 47: Still have the pimple on my chin and one on my cheek. Both are old things that happened a few weeks ago and seem to be coming back for a second round? My cysts do this sometimes. Usually the second time around is not as bad, and this seems to be the case - just pimples (so far knock on wood salt over shoulder all that jazz).

Feeling good because of NO OUCHY CYSTS!

Happy Holidays.



#30 yunchang

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Posted 24 December 2013 - 03:01 AM

Day 47: Still have the pimple on my chin and one on my cheek. Both are old things that happened a few weeks ago and seem to be coming back for a second round? My cysts do this sometimes. Usually the second time around is not as bad, and this seems to be the case - just pimples (so far knock on wood salt over shoulder all that jazz).

Feeling good because of NO OUCHY CYSTS!

Happy Holidays.

 

HEHE Happy Holidays! Happy cuz you are feeling good!



#31 Kim28

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Posted 25 December 2013 - 12:26 AM

Day 48:

Not my best day.

A cyst emerged right underneath the recurring pimple on my cheek. It hurts, so it sucks.

Everything else seems to be doing okay so far - no change on the chin pimple.

Holding steady at "not terrible, but not great either". Hoping for the next stage.

Merry Christmas.



#32 ciaraki13

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Posted 26 December 2013 - 05:30 PM

Happy Christmas Kim. xmas.gif Hope the next stage comes for you soon. This will be so worth it. Acne is such a creep. Stay strong.



#33 PersnickityChick

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Posted 27 December 2013 - 01:37 PM

Hope you are feeling better, and that the cyst, and pimple are both healing now. 



#34 Kim28

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Posted 27 December 2013 - 10:38 PM

Day 50.

The cyst/pimple combo on my left cheek refuses to die. It doesn't hurt as much as it looks like it should, so that is nice. Free to talk, smile, eat, and all that. It's a bit odd, because previously most of the zits I have had on Accutane have gotten all weirdly flaky and this one is not. It just sits there with its little pimple friend doing nothing at all.

BUT, there is still nothing else to report which feels miraculous. I will keep this cyst for as long as it likes if it means the rest of my face is not so bad.

 

I remember very clearly the day I knew something was really wrong (i.e. my acne was back in a bad way). I had been getting a few cysts which had not happened in a long time, so I went in for a tretinoin cream. After about two weeks of using it, I was washing my face in the shower and I felt this strange almost rash of under-the-surface bumps all over my chin and at the sides of my mouth. It was nothing I had experienced before. I tried to assume it was an IB and stayed with the topical, but that was a mistake and landed me bad off and on Accutane. The rash got worse and started turning into clumps of cysts.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that I have been able to feel those clumps of bumps ever since, and they are what came up badly during this Accutane IB. However, in the last few days, when I feel that area of my face it no longer feels like a bumpy under-the-surface rash. I can feel a couple little clogged pores and a few left-over bumps that are healing, but it is such a different feeling from the puffy, clogged-all-over crap I had before.

I am hoping this is a sign that the worst is over and there is not a lot more to get out. Although it hasn't been perfect by any means, I have definitely felt better about myself this past week or so.

Hoping it is safe to start hoping. 50 days in, about 130 left to go.



#35 Kim28

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Posted 29 December 2013 - 11:12 AM

Today sucks. All my hope died last night. It was a more agonizing death than my other hopes, because I REALLY had some hope there for a couple days. On the bright side, my cheek cyst exploded this morning. It was quick and to the point, so I think it is done.

On the dark side, I seem to be developing two more cysts on either side of my chin in the places that were/are the worst off. As though I don't already have enough scars there. They are deep and surely will be painful and awful. I also have a zit on my upper lip that stings terribly.

One of the cysts coming up is no surprise, I have known about that cloggy pore for a while.

The other things came out of no where. I hate it when that happens.

I feel like I am back where I started.

Why is everything going so dreadfully wrong? Am I un-fixable? What the hell is wrong with me? Over 50 days on Accutane and still completely fucked. I am starting to think this is not going to work and I am going to be a mess forever. I can't live like this. My life is nothing like it was 6 months ago.

Please someone say something encouraging, I need it so badly right now.



#36 ciaraki13

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Posted 29 December 2013 - 11:50 AM

My phone just beeped with notification of your post, so I have arrived here tout suite with my siren BLARING!! I will NOT LET YOU GIVE UP HOPE!!!!! It's going to work. Get straight to the Accutane gallery of before and after pictures. Look at what this drug has done for people. LOOK NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is hell right now for you but you have to dare to believe and abandon all reservation about the outcome. IT WILL WORK. You may have more hell for a few months but I TRULY BELIEVE you are going to have a lifetime of clear skin after this. I also believe that you will enjoy that life even more, because you have existed (not lived, cuz we only exist through this shit) on the dark side and come through. STAY STRONG. CRY. SCREAM. GET RID OF MIRRORS. I soo want to do this. If you have to adjust life and avoid certain situations until things look better, do it. Self preservation is the key during this stage. We are all here for you!!!!!!!!!



#37 PersnickityChick

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Posted 29 December 2013 - 11:54 AM

Kim, you've done 51 days so far, and you are so encouraging to the rest of us that are on this journey.  You've shared your ups, and downs, and right now, you are at a down, but, like all of the others, these cysts on your chin will pass, and you WILL start to see more improvement.  Keep your eyes on the prize of clear skin.  It's Sunday, so if you don't have to go out, snuggle up, relax, breathe, and remember: This Is Temporary! This is not the end, it is just part of the journey.  The destination will be worth it! 



#38 ciaraki13

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Posted 29 December 2013 - 12:05 PM

This is my favourite poem in the world. It's about that most precious thing, hope

 

"Hope" is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I've heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me.       (Emily Dickinson)



#39 ciaraki13

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Posted 29 December 2013 - 12:28 PM

Acne is your storm. Let HOPE be your umbrella, and let us be your poncho

 

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#40 Petrichor Murmurs

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Posted 29 December 2013 - 01:14 PM

I have been sneaking in to your log every now and then over the last few days, and have now read it all. I know what you're going through is horrible, and I know that sometimes that is the most annoying thing to hear from someone else. I don't know exactly how you feel, but I know it feels isolating and that it really tears at your hope.
But you have done this before! And it went so well! You seem like such a strong and wonderful person, and I would just hate to see you give up now. 50 days done, 130 left, and it will be worth it! Like PersnickityChick says, keep your eyes on the prize. comfort.gif I hope you start to feel better. And if you don't, that's okay too, just remember that there will be better days, and that there are people cheering for you.






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