Kim's Log

156 posts in this topic

Day 45. I thought it was 44, but I seem to be on my 45th pill, and pretty sure I didn't mess up and take two.

Best day yet. In this course of Accutane, that is. Looked in the mirror (post make-up) and actually thought I looked pretty.

No active acne! At least the way I look at it, which means there is nothing painful on my face.

My cheek cyst seems to be content with draining a bit there, and today it does not hurt and it a lot flatter, so I think it is going away. Still looks awful, but having it not hurt is huge to me. My little whitehead is gone without much fanfare - just dried up and went away without me really noticing when or how.

I still have quite a few little clogged pores (which usually turn into something unpleasant eventually), and lots of random bumps from large cysts that are healing now. Having just had a super-yucky event (cheek cyst) pop up only two days ago, I know this is far from over. BUT - this is literally the first day since the beginning of September (sad I remember the moment so well) that I have not had a painful active zit on my face. Surely that is a good sign, right?

I felt a little bit like God was having mercy on me (not really a believer but always wondering) because we had a holiday party with lots of friends I haven't seen in a while today, plus my parents were back from extended vacation. No one looked like they were horrified by me, so that was nice. Thank yous go out to Estee Lauder for that, too.

So - trying to keep sane and reasonable and know that I will probably have something tomorrow, but even just this one day is a good sign. I feel like maybe I am starting to poke through the surface. A few weeks ago I had about 8-10 active events on my face. It's hard, though, because moments like these really get your hopes up, and hope crushing is the worst for me and so far always happens.

Happy, but scared. So it goes.

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Hooray for you!!! So glad that your event with your friends and family went well, and that the pain is gone from your cheek cyst. I hope it continues to heal, and maybe will be gone soon.

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Day 46: 1 pimple on my chin emerged today. It was sort of a relief, because I knew I wasn't about to clear up overnight and all I really want is for the cysts to stop. This one doesn't hurt when I move my face or anything like that, so it is my friend. It is also just one pimple and that is pretty amazing.

Still fighting with a lot of fear and paranoia, but glad to have had a couple brighter days.

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Day 47: Still have the pimple on my chin and one on my cheek. Both are old things that happened a few weeks ago and seem to be coming back for a second round? My cysts do this sometimes. Usually the second time around is not as bad, and this seems to be the case - just pimples (so far knock on wood salt over shoulder all that jazz).

Feeling good because of NO OUCHY CYSTS!

Happy Holidays.

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Day 47: Still have the pimple on my chin and one on my cheek. Both are old things that happened a few weeks ago and seem to be coming back for a second round? My cysts do this sometimes. Usually the second time around is not as bad, and this seems to be the case - just pimples (so far knock on wood salt over shoulder all that jazz).

Feeling good because of NO OUCHY CYSTS!

Happy Holidays.

HEHE Happy Holidays! Happy cuz you are feeling good!

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Day 48:

Not my best day.

A cyst emerged right underneath the recurring pimple on my cheek. It hurts, so it sucks.

Everything else seems to be doing okay so far - no change on the chin pimple.

Holding steady at "not terrible, but not great either". Hoping for the next stage.

Merry Christmas.

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Happy Christmas Kim. xmas.gif Hope the next stage comes for you soon. This will be so worth it. Acne is such a creep. Stay strong.

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Hope you are feeling better, and that the cyst, and pimple are both healing now.

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Day 50.

The cyst/pimple combo on my left cheek refuses to die. It doesn't hurt as much as it looks like it should, so that is nice. Free to talk, smile, eat, and all that. It's a bit odd, because previously most of the zits I have had on Accutane have gotten all weirdly flaky and this one is not. It just sits there with its little pimple friend doing nothing at all.

BUT, there is still nothing else to report which feels miraculous. I will keep this cyst for as long as it likes if it means the rest of my face is not so bad.

I remember very clearly the day I knew something was really wrong (i.e. my acne was back in a bad way). I had been getting a few cysts which had not happened in a long time, so I went in for a tretinoin cream. After about two weeks of using it, I was washing my face in the shower and I felt this strange almost rash of under-the-surface bumps all over my chin and at the sides of my mouth. It was nothing I had experienced before. I tried to assume it was an IB and stayed with the topical, but that was a mistake and landed me bad off and on Accutane. The rash got worse and started turning into clumps of cysts.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that I have been able to feel those clumps of bumps ever since, and they are what came up badly during this Accutane IB. However, in the last few days, when I feel that area of my face it no longer feels like a bumpy under-the-surface rash. I can feel a couple little clogged pores and a few left-over bumps that are healing, but it is such a different feeling from the puffy, clogged-all-over crap I had before.

I am hoping this is a sign that the worst is over and there is not a lot more to get out. Although it hasn't been perfect by any means, I have definitely felt better about myself this past week or so.

Hoping it is safe to start hoping. 50 days in, about 130 left to go.

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Today sucks. All my hope died last night. It was a more agonizing death than my other hopes, because I REALLY had some hope there for a couple days. On the bright side, my cheek cyst exploded this morning. It was quick and to the point, so I think it is done.

On the dark side, I seem to be developing two more cysts on either side of my chin in the places that were/are the worst off. As though I don't already have enough scars there. They are deep and surely will be painful and awful. I also have a zit on my upper lip that stings terribly.

One of the cysts coming up is no surprise, I have known about that cloggy pore for a while.

The other things came out of no where. I hate it when that happens.

I feel like I am back where I started.

Why is everything going so dreadfully wrong? Am I un-fixable? What the hell is wrong with me? Over 50 days on Accutane and still completely fucked. I am starting to think this is not going to work and I am going to be a mess forever. I can't live like this. My life is nothing like it was 6 months ago.

Please someone say something encouraging, I need it so badly right now.

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My phone just beeped with notification of your post, so I have arrived here tout suite with my siren BLARING!! I will NOT LET YOU GIVE UP HOPE!!!!! It's going to work. Get straight to the Accutane gallery of before and after pictures. Look at what this drug has done for people. LOOK NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is hell right now for you but you have to dare to believe and abandon all reservation about the outcome. IT WILL WORK. You may have more hell for a few months but I TRULY BELIEVE you are going to have a lifetime of clear skin after this. I also believe that you will enjoy that life even more, because you have existed (not lived, cuz we only exist through this shit) on the dark side and come through. STAY STRONG. CRY. SCREAM. GET RID OF MIRRORS. I soo want to do this. If you have to adjust life and avoid certain situations until things look better, do it. Self preservation is the key during this stage. We are all here for you!!!!!!!!!

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Kim, you've done 51 days so far, and you are so encouraging to the rest of us that are on this journey. You've shared your ups, and downs, and right now, you are at a down, but, like all of the others, these cysts on your chin will pass, and you WILL start to see more improvement. Keep your eyes on the prize of clear skin. It's Sunday, so if you don't have to go out, snuggle up, relax, breathe, and remember: This Is Temporary! This is not the end, it is just part of the journey. The destination will be worth it!

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This is my favourite poem in the world. It's about that most precious thing, hope

"Hope" is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I've heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me. (Emily Dickinson)

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Acne is your storm. Let HOPE be your umbrella, and let us be your poncho

tn_gallery_216177_13469_4991.jpg

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I have been sneaking in to your log every now and then over the last few days, and have now read it all. I know what you're going through is horrible, and I know that sometimes that is the most annoying thing to hear from someone else. I don't know exactly how you feel, but I know it feels isolating and that it really tears at your hope.
But you have done this before! And it went so well! You seem like such a strong and wonderful person, and I would just hate to see you give up now. 50 days done, 130 left, and it will be worth it! Like PersnickityChick says, keep your eyes on the prize. comfort.gif I hope you start to feel better. And if you don't, that's okay too, just remember that there will be better days, and that there are people cheering for you.

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Oh my gosh! The love I am feeling right now is ridiculous. I cannot thank you all enough. The posts made me cry. Grant it, I had already been crying today, but a happy cry was nice for once.

Also, I think my zits heard you, because the two things that showed up out of the blue last night started getting really itchy shortly after my post. I barely looked at them and they both popped. The good kind, like my cheek did earlier today, where it all comes out at once and then it bleeds - very minimal touching of skin. This is almost always a sign for me that it is done. Gross, I know, but I have been finding that it helps me when other people post some gritty details - things that I always thought only happened to me, and now know that a lot of people experience.

Normally a fireworks of successful extractions would perk me right up, but I'm finding it isn't the case this time. It's just so discouraging that they showed up at all, it takes all the joy out of that cheek cyst resolving.

So I'm left with a deep bugger on my chin just under my lip on the left. I've been able to see this one through the surface for a while, and wondered when it would get angry. I don't mind it as much because I had accepted its inevitability a long time ago.

It's the knowledge that there is still more to come that I don't even realize that is the horror for me right now.

Beyond my control.

Thank you all for being there. It helps a ton. I hope you are having better days. Persnickity - sounds like things are going really well! Ciara - update? Petrichor - glad to meet you, I have seen your log as well!

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I have a new something showing up just under my lip on the left side. :P Sounds like I'm getting what you're getting rid of. Hopefully mine will go as easily. :) I am glad the things on your chin are going. I hope you do get another pick-me-up soon, so that you can start really feeling better.

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Happy New Year, Kim! I hope you are still feeling better. Here's to a New Year, and clear skin!

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Happy New Year to y'all too.

Things here are still hovering at mediocre. Which is better than shitty!

Log day 55: One active. Not as happy about that as I should be because it's the worst of the new kinds of zits I have encountered on Accutane. Big cyst, and the skin on it is so dry it is just horribly infected looking. Yuck.

And my recent breakout there shook me a bit. So much more doubt and fear now. It will take a little while to build my confidence in this process back. Still thinking I might be broken. Hoping for a clearer New Year in so many ways.

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Wow I can really relate to this log. The first 2 times I did Accutane I didn't really think about my acne that much, I was told by the dermatologist it would clear me totally and I just was happy and assured that it would clear me and it did (both times but I didn't get any remission). Now 12 years later, and I am plagued by self-doubt and irrational thoughts regarding this third course.

Maybe it's the legacy of having acne for more than 18 years now (I am 32). But I can't help but feel that this course won't work, that I'm one of the few it won't help etc. I'm only a few days ahead of you (day 66) and I have that doubt and fear you're describing. I know logically it can take 4 or even 5 months to clear. My acne is still mild, but it's not really any better than when I started. Every time I clear up, bang I get new zits again. And like you describe, in certain parts of my face (like my chin, above my lip) I have had more pimples in just 2 months than I have gotten in years and years whilst using BP. It's just so hard to be patient and keep the faith.

But that's all we can do. I wish you the best of luck.

BTW what dose are you on? I am on a low dose. Was on 60mg/week for the first 2 months, now on 100mg/week.

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Day 58 I think? My timing is about to get weird because I am two pills short of my next derm visit. Not sure how I f-ed that up, but it looks like I'll be without my Tane for two days. I could freak out and call the derm, but I don't feel that inclined when it's only two days.

Things are okay for the most part. Couple things on my chin that seem to be clearing up now. I also have a NASTY jerk hanging out under my nose. It's not that big or yucky compared to a lot of the things I've seen on my face lately, but DAMN this thing hurts like crazy! It is just THROBBING!

Feeling a little frustrated that even though I seem to be consistently down to one or two actives (from 8 or ten a month ago), every time one starts to go away, another shows up to take its place. Can I just get ONE DAY without something hurting PLEASE? Sheesh.

Thanks to Ciara for the recommendation on reading some success stories. Found a couple that were similar to mine, and they all reported much improvement in the third and fourth month, so maybe some success for me is not far off. Day 100 is my new goal. I have decided to not be disappointed or worried until then, because the disappointment and worry is worse than the acne and a big struggle for me.

Looking at it this way, I am more than half way!

On the side effects side, my hand rash is back with a vengeance and my lips are cracked and have bled a bit in the past few days. I think it's because it is incredibly cold here - like minus 30 C cold. NOT looking forward to going back to work Monday in this super coldness, but ready to get out of the house because, although I love my holidays, it makes time slow down and I would just like to get these next couple months over with.

Edited by Kim28

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HAPPY NEW CLEAR, KIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PS -30????????????????????? I will never complain about Ireland's weather again. Hope your lips (and your heart) heal soon. Stay strong. I really think it's just around the corner.

Edited by ciaraki13

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Hi there been following this log with interest must say I admire your way with words and you seem to be an intelligent,funny and judging from your profile very pretty women. Now ill introduce myself im 28 years of age and have suffered from mild to severe acne for ten years.Its got to the point now where im utterly despondent and wish the turgid disease can go to hell and leave me alone!. I have tried so much stuff over the years and my current skin care regimen helps get rid of the spots quickly but the always come back and often in the same places! Pending a mental health assessment and also blood test results I will be offered a course of accutane on the 9th of January. My case isnt severe i suffer from pustules and small pimples mainly on my cheeks and forehead. I have a lot of red marks but fortunately not much scarring due I think to the quality of the products I am currently using. Needless to say im terrified of going on tane despite knowing that it could finally the thing that could help me. My main fears are the intial breakout. My mental state is already very low due to a bad breakout from indulging in too much in alcohol and chocolate over the xmas period (how bad of me to try and enjoy myself!) and thats the only thing which is holding me back from actually being excited about the treatment. Its a crucial stage for me in my life as im entering my last year as a social work masters student and im about to embark on my second placement soon. I have then been looking at stories of inspiration and I like this one along with some other recent logs. I think Ciara you really sum up how acne can make you feel. I guess my question is what were your thoughts in the final week or so before you went on Tane?. I need to summon up all the resolve and courage I can!. Rob.



Woops relaised ive manged to post on this accutane log too but I guess all the same sentiments to you as well Kim. Really hope your treatment goes well.

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Hope you're doing well Kim!!! Happy New Year

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