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How Does One Reach Self-Acceptance?


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#1 Amatsuki

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Posted 21 November 2013 - 03:43 PM

For nearly two years now (I'm a sophmore at Community College and 19), severe acne and acne scars have been killing my self-esteem. And I'm at a loss about what to do. I've been left with these scars now for about a year now, which have made me severely depressed. My acne scars have left me disfigured. And the emotional distress is unbearable. At points, I don't even feel like a human being; I feel like a monster--or, the Hunchback of Notredame because all I want to do is lock myself away from the anxieties caused by society. I truly wish I could live at a point in history where money and physical power have more influence on quality of life or finding a spouse than looks--like the Middle Ages. Furthermore, I haven't ever seen someone with worse scarring then me (aside from the horrific google image pictures), and this only adds to the depression. I also often think about death although I don't have it in me to take my own life, and I wonder if I'm doomed to spend life alone with out a wife and family.

 

The worse thing about the scars is the looks you get from people. Kids often come to my workplace, and their innocent glares hurt. They look at my face because I look different. It really kills me inside when one comes up to me and says why do you have boo boos all over your face. Even one of my best friends recently has, as I believe, come to dislike me because of my scars. When hanging out, I've noticed he has started to favor my twin brother who is gorgeous with near perfect skin and talks to me less. He asks for hugs (he is a touchy person, not gay) from my twin brother, but not me recently. I also congratulated him on getting a girlfriend the the other day, and said she was pretty cute, which I think he took the wrong way--I guess "pretty cute" may have not been good enough. Then he looked up at me and followed with "yeah well she at least isn't deformed or anything." Wtf? Random. Are you self-projecting your thoughts of me? Asshole. He used to be such a supportive and good in the past too even though I never really talk about my scars with everyone.

 

As mentioned above, I also have a twin brother that I live with . He's been recruited by people to model, and every time I look at him I feel resentment. He can hook up with more girls in a night than I ever have in my life (including before I suffered severe acne) And I ask myself "why did it have to be me?" As gross as that is.

 

In my family, I also feel like a black sheep that is unwanted: My father makes over $250,000 a year, yet I seriously doubt he would help me out with treatments. When mentioning acne scar treatments one time (after my derm brought it up and while I was uninformed), my father said, "Go for it as long it is COVERED by insurance", which we know isn't covered. He even refused to pay for my college. I was at the top 2% (GPA wise) in my high school, and got accepted to a top University, which I did attend for a year (I took out loans to pay for it). He told me he couldn't afford it; then, two weeks after telling me this, he bought a Twin Turbo Porsche on a whim. The most horrible thing is, despite all of this, he has offered to pay for my twin's college tuition on multiple accounts (he is a college dropout) while he has yet to do the same for me--talk about favorites right. It's completely f***ed up.

 

Despite all this, my life looks good on paper. I have worked hard to make it that way, and have begun saving up for treatments (Laser, subsicion, ect.) although I truly doubt the treatments will help me to a point where I can be satisfied with my skin. I try to live positively, but all the constant reminders that I have stated above make it hard to cope with. With acne, I never had a problem because I always imagined it would go away; it gave me hope of a life without it at some point. However, scars are permanent, and I feel I will be plagued by these anxieties for the rest of my life. So, back to the question at hand, how does one come to self-acceptance of your scars?

 

Sorry for venting,

Thanks in advance.


Edited by Amatsuki, 21 November 2013 - 03:46 PM.


#2 AlexanderJ86

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Posted 21 November 2013 - 04:06 PM

For nearly two years now (I'm a sophmore at Community College and 19), severe acne and acne scars have been killing my self-esteem. And I'm at a loss about what to do. I've been left with these scars now for about a year now, which have made me severely depressed. My acne scars have left me disfigured. And the emotional distress is unbearable. At points, I don't even feel like a human being; I feel like a monster--or, the Hunchback of Notredame because all I want to do is lock myself away from the anxieties caused by society. I truly wish I could live at a point in history where money and physical power have more influence on quality of life or finding a spouse than looks--like the Middle Ages. Furthermore, I haven't ever seen someone with worse scarring then me (aside from the horrific google image pictures), and this only adds to the depression. I also often think about death although I don't have it in me to take my own life, and I wonder if I'm doomed to spend life alone with out a wife and family.

 

The worse thing about the scars is the looks you get from people. Kids often come to my workplace, and their innocent glares hurt. They look at my face because I look different. It really kills me inside when one comes up to me and says why do you have boo boos all over your face. Even one of my best friends recently has, as I believe, come to dislike me because of my scars. When hanging out, I've noticed he has started to favor my twin brother who is gorgeous with near perfect skin and talks to me less. He asks for hugs (he is a touchy person, not gay) from my twin brother, but not me recently. I also congratulated him on getting a girlfriend the the other day, and said she was pretty cute, which I think he took the wrong way--I guess "pretty cute" may have not been good enough. Then he looked up at me and followed with "yeah well she at least isn't deformed or anything." Wtf? Random. Are you self-projecting your thoughts of me? Asshole. He used to be such a supportive and good in the past too even though I never really talk about my scars with everyone.

 

As mentioned above, I also have a twin brother that I live with . He's been recruited by people to model, and every time I look at him I feel resentment. He can hook up with more girls in a night than I ever have in my life (including before I suffered severe acne) And I ask myself "why did it have to be me?" As gross as that is.

 

In my family, I also feel like a black sheep that is unwanted: My father makes over $250,000 a year, yet I seriously doubt he would help me out with treatments. When mentioning acne scar treatments one time (after my derm brought it up and while I was uninformed), my father said, "Go for it as long it is COVERED by insurance", which we know isn't covered. He even refused to pay for my college. I was at the top 2% (GPA wise) in my high school, and got accepted to a top University, which I did attend for a year (I took out loans to pay for it). He told me he couldn't afford it; then, two weeks after telling me this, he bought a Twin Turbo Porsche on a whim. The most horrible thing is, despite all of this, he has offered to pay for my twin's college tuition on multiple accounts (he is a college dropout) while he has yet to do the same for me--talk about favorites right. It's completely f***ed up.

 

Despite all this, my life looks good on paper. I have worked hard to make it that way, and have begun saving up for treatments (Laser, subsicion, ect.) although I truly doubt the treatments will help me to a point where I can be satisfied with my skin. I try to live positively, but all the constant reminders that I have stated above make it hard to cope with. With acne, I never had a problem because I always imagined it would go away; it gave me hope of a life without it at some point. However, scars are permanent, and I feel I will be plagued by these anxieties for the rest of my life. So, back to the question at hand, how does one come to self-acceptance of your scars?

 

Sorry for venting,

Thanks in advance.

You can confront your friends and family with your ideas.



#3 Ballen

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Posted 21 November 2013 - 04:54 PM

The best kind of revenge is success.

What you are experiencing is not a bad thing, but a good. You'll build character and strength. A fool and his money are soon parted. I have experienced something similar to you. I just blocked my family out for a period of time.

I never got money either... In a couple of years I'm gonna meet them again and be powerful, rich (which I kinda am already), good looking and have a good body. Then I'm gonna give them the money I never got.



#4 k3tchup

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Posted 22 November 2013 - 04:00 AM

For nearly two years now (I'm a sophmore at Community College and 19), severe acne and acne scars have been killing my self-esteem. And I'm at a loss about what to do. I've been left with these scars now for about a year now, which have made me severely depressed. My acne scars have left me disfigured. And the emotional distress is unbearable. At points, I don't even feel like a human being; I feel like a monster--or, the Hunchback of Notredame because all I want to do is lock myself away from the anxieties caused by society. I truly wish I could live at a point in history where money and physical power have more influence on quality of life or finding a spouse than looks--like the Middle Ages. Furthermore, I haven't ever seen someone with worse scarring then me (aside from the horrific google image pictures), and this only adds to the depression. I also often think about death although I don't have it in me to take my own life, and I wonder if I'm doomed to spend life alone with out a wife and family.

 

The worse thing about the scars is the looks you get from people. Kids often come to my workplace, and their innocent glares hurt. They look at my face because I look different. It really kills me inside when one comes up to me and says why do you have boo boos all over your face. Even one of my best friends recently has, as I believe, come to dislike me because of my scars. When hanging out, I've noticed he has started to favor my twin brother who is gorgeous with near perfect skin and talks to me less. He asks for hugs (he is a touchy person, not gay) from my twin brother, but not me recently. I also congratulated him on getting a girlfriend the the other day, and said she was pretty cute, which I think he took the wrong way--I guess "pretty cute" may have not been good enough. Then he looked up at me and followed with "yeah well she at least isn't deformed or anything." Wtf? Random. Are you self-projecting your thoughts of me? Asshole. He used to be such a supportive and good in the past too even though I never really talk about my scars with everyone.

 

As mentioned above, I also have a twin brother that I live with . He's been recruited by people to model, and every time I look at him I feel resentment. He can hook up with more girls in a night than I ever have in my life (including before I suffered severe acne) And I ask myself "why did it have to be me?" As gross as that is.

 

In my family, I also feel like a black sheep that is unwanted: My father makes over $250,000 a year, yet I seriously doubt he would help me out with treatments. When mentioning acne scar treatments one time (after my derm brought it up and while I was uninformed), my father said, "Go for it as long it is COVERED by insurance", which we know isn't covered. He even refused to pay for my college. I was at the top 2% (GPA wise) in my high school, and got accepted to a top University, which I did attend for a year (I took out loans to pay for it). He told me he couldn't afford it; then, two weeks after telling me this, he bought a Twin Turbo Porsche on a whim. The most horrible thing is, despite all of this, he has offered to pay for my twin's college tuition on multiple accounts (he is a college dropout) while he has yet to do the same for me--talk about favorites right. It's completely f***ed up.

 

Despite all this, my life looks good on paper. I have worked hard to make it that way, and have begun saving up for treatments (Laser, subsicion, ect.) although I truly doubt the treatments will help me to a point where I can be satisfied with my skin. I try to live positively, but all the constant reminders that I have stated above make it hard to cope with. With acne, I never had a problem because I always imagined it would go away; it gave me hope of a life without it at some point. However, scars are permanent, and I feel I will be plagued by these anxieties for the rest of my life. So, back to the question at hand, how does one come to self-acceptance of your scars?

 

Sorry for venting,

Thanks in advance.

 

Venting is a must. A MUST. Its how suffers and those who have suffered cope and begin to hope for a better tomorrow. So do not feel ashamed.

 

Well it seems you have a lot of family dynamics. I would normally tell my side of the story and then relate how i have handled it, but that isnt going to help and probably isn't relevant. Quite truthfully and excuse my judgment, but your father is playing favoritism and is some what of a disgrace if he is making your life harder than it should be. I get that there maybe a lessen to learn i.e handwork, have to make your own way, shouldn't just get money because your parents are rich..however.. from your perspective it doesn't sound like any lesson is is taking place. Just seems like favoritism and some family dynamics that basically put you second and i do not know if its just because of the scars or if it was there before you even knew of it i.e often parents that have children they don't exactly want they tend to make life harder for them. That is an example and im not saying he doesn't love your or want you. I am just providing an example to rationalize this pretty sad bias that you have explained.

 

As ballen has stated, the best revenge is success in the midst of adversity. You will become a stronger person because of this if you can take away the experience and the life lessons on how NOT to be. Again no disrespect to your father, but there is alot to learn here.

 

I honestly do not know how to reply. Its a personal fight and struggle that is yours to conquer. We can provide support and encouragement, but not on what to do or to say. Personal acceptance is a long process that does not follow steps i believe and isn't always attainable by yourself. I found mine i thought by lieing to myself and trying to avoid the subject and become mentally tougher. This is wrong. I believe now after months of introspection that true self acceptance for me only came after having someone come into my life and really show me that what was on the outside mattered not. Yes, I am talking about my girlfriend. Something i wish not to bring up because i feel its an insult to you.Because my self acceptance being that i am a super freak on self criticism was only possible because of her. That doesn't mean in anyway, shape, or form that you need a girl to feel self acceptance. I understand your position therefore I do not mean to insult as i feel bad for you given that your brother has one and you are human therefore desire compassion and companionship to your liking as well. I feel bad because of the looks you state you get from the children at your work? This goes into a self confidence talk. I feel that is something you can read (see below). No one is immune for this even at work. Even professions like mine.

 

I feel real self acceptance is not something that can be planned; it sort of just happens often expectantly. Over time and suddenly in spurts of self reassurance fostering self acceptance.

 

 

 

I encourage you to find some of my long winded, grammatically inaccurate posts on this section of the forums via my profile or searching or whatever and read some of the things I state about accepting, coping, moving forward, building up yourself etc. I am far to tired and its so much work! I feel reading them is super beneficial if you are able to extrapolate the idea and make it relevant  to you. Everyones experiences are so different and its hard to tallor an individual post to everyone here. There is just so much to say. Reading multiple accounts and seeing different angles fills in the gaps and might be able to help you.


Edited by k3tchup, 22 November 2013 - 04:06 AM.


#5 Ballen

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Posted 22 November 2013 - 08:57 AM

Oh... If all you want is self acceptance, then master a field of work. Become the best and you will accept yourself and always have high self confidence..



#6 TripleN

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Posted 22 November 2013 - 11:22 PM

First off, I'm sorry you're going through this and I empathize. Acne just plain sucks as everyone on this site knows. 

 

As for self acceptance, that's a tough road to go down. It's a completely emotional and mental challenge. When I got hit with acne at my worst, I felt disgusting. I didn't want to wear makeup for fear of making it worse as it had exploded all over my lips, chin, cheeks etc. So while battling this, I had to learn self acceptance. You have to learn to ignore the stares as hard as it is and not let it hurt you. You have to learn to make eye contact and not duck your head down. You have to learn to live without thinking about your face. Some people have horrific burn marks or have lost a leg, they get stares. Acne and both of those are flaws that make us stand out from everyone, flaws that aren't our fault. 

 

Your dad is a total a$$hole. My advice: go to school, kick ass, get rich enough to make your own treatments happen, then keep on living. Your brother may have perfect skin and the world in his palm, but you have the character and worth ethic that is worth more than cosmetics. Your acne doesn't define you. Keep doing what you're doing, it will get better. 



#7 k3tchup

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Posted 24 November 2013 - 03:08 AM

First off, I'm sorry you're going through this and I empathize. Acne just plain sucks as everyone on this site knows. 

 

As for self acceptance, that's a tough road to go down. It's a completely emotional and mental challenge. When I got hit with acne at my worst, I felt disgusting. I didn't want to wear makeup for fear of making it worse as it had exploded all over my lips, chin, cheeks etc. So while battling this, I had to learn self acceptance. You have to learn to ignore the stares as hard as it is and not let it hurt you. You have to learn to make eye contact and not duck your head down. You have to learn to live without thinking about your face. Some people have horrific burn marks or have lost a leg, they get stares. Acne and both of those are flaws that make us stand out from everyone, flaws that aren't our fault. 

 

Your dad is a total a$$hole. My advice: go to school, kick ass, get rich enough to make your own treatments happen, then keep on living. Your brother may have perfect skin and the world in his palm, but you have the character and worth ethic that is worth more than cosmetics. Your acne doesn't define you. Keep doing what you're doing, it will get better. 

 

 

I agree, especially with the last paragraph. Self acceptance is personal we each find our little way to deal with acne and becoming accepting of it. True, 100% complete acceptance is a long journey. Like for me, only possible and accesible through someone else. That shouldn't stop you only strengthen your venture. Now, keep your head up and keep fighting. You will find it before you know it; it sneaks up on you.



#8 antonioreyes

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Posted 27 November 2013 - 12:10 AM

First of all dude it fine with expressing yourself, i totaly get where your coming from as i was and at times in your situation. just remember try your best not to be around negative and selfish individuals who its not there for you through thick and thin. myself i have been avoiding ladies due to the condition of my skin, assuming they're gonna ignore me. but like you im was also good in university but just never hang out too much with my mates probably only during the night where my skin is camouflage. anyway what i can say is just be confident of who you are literally. professional employers look at you personality and skills not your face. true ladies will look at your charm, care, and just you. i understand its hard to materialise this, just make sure you have a regimen diet, exercise, skincare, and eventually these acne issues will dissipate and some people would recognise you as just you!.

 

good luck man!



#9 Spotthedifference

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Posted 11 December 2013 - 03:13 PM

First of all you spend a night of unbridled passion with yourself. Then you wake up the next morning, look in the mirror and announce awkwardly "So... do you want breakfast?" before phoning a cab. Leave it three days then message yourself on Facebook. After a week of no replies start leaving voice mails on your phone. Go on a pity date with yourself. Gradually become accustomed to your own company until you feel lost without it. Slap the 'love' label on it.

 

Viola, self acceptance! wink.png

 

Sorry, I'm not really sure what serious advice to give you so I hope this at least gave you a giggle instead.



#10 blahblah82

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Posted 16 December 2013 - 07:16 AM

I usually never stray into this part of the board and stay on the medical side of things (ie treatments for scars).  Damn dude.  It sucks to feel ostracized by society, but to have your "best friend" and your family turn their back on you is a real kick in the pants.  

 

There comes a point where you must cut out the negative people in your life.  I had a "friend" who had attempted in the past to humiliate me in front of other friends by commenting about my acne scars.  Apparently some people confuse being cruel with being "witty."  Sorry but that friend of yours is a toxic person.  He sounds like a spineless ass-kisser.

 

Personally, I'd call your dad out on his BS and tell him exactly how he's failed you as a father.  Sorry, he sounds absolutely selfish.  Family is not always the people you are related to.   



#11 325world

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Posted 21 December 2013 - 09:30 AM

.


Edited by 325world, 24 December 2013 - 04:39 PM.


#12 Spotthedifference

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Posted 23 December 2013 - 03:14 AM

This is how: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eugenics

 

Do not have kids that will look like you.

 

I feel pretty sorry for you, honestly. You're that past the point of happiness that you have to upset others so nobody can have the joy that's so far out of your reach.

 

OP, you WILL Be able to find a wife. You WILL be able to have children (if you so wish and have no medical problems down there). Scars alone will not make an attractive person ugly. Yes, they can interfere with things like modelling, because everything needs to be hyper-perfect in the shallowest of ways for the cameras to create a certain aesthetic (at 140lbs and 6ft I was rejected for being 'too fat.' What they actually mean is 'we'd have to draft in more Photoshop workers because you look too human.') Even if you don't feel confident with clear women there are plenty of ladies out there with scarring too. I once dated a man with fairly severe scarring - and I didn't even notice until I was crying about how unattractive he must have found my acne one day, when he simply pointed to everywhere on his face and went 'well it's not cystic now is it?'.






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