I'm sick of waking up each day and being scared to see my face because maybe I got a new blemish. I'm sick of cringing every time I look in the mirror. I'm sick of slathering on gross sunscreen and avoiding the sun so my red marks don't get darker. I'm sick of seeing my pits in the most unflattering of light. I'm sick of piling on spot treatments and watching each pimple to see if it's getting bigger. I'm sick of every papule that's a little too big and being scared I'll get cystic acne. I'm sick of counting every little dent in my face every night before bed and crying myself to sleep if there's one more than yesterday. I'm sick of reading negative reviews of every single flipping product and treatment on this site. I'm sick of feeling like nothing will ever help. I'm sick of feeling helpless in the wake of this horrible thing, this acne, that I never dreamed I would get until I started breaking out just a few months ago, spring of my senior year. I hate the way in those few months its already caused so much damage.
I'm scared that my dad will lose his job again and without insurance I won't be able to afford my antibiotics. I'm scared that my antibiotics will get worse and I'll break out in huge inflamed pustules that will leave holes all over my face.
I hate the line of holes on my nose that everyone can't help but stare. I hate all the little nicks and tiny dents in my cheek that are slowly but surely adding up to make my face look hideous. I hate the red marks on my face that are so bright and make it seem like I have more acne than I do. I hate the benzoyl peroxide that burns and the salycilic acid that itches and the fact that I'm going to keep using them because I have no choice. I hate that seventy percent of my blemishes no matter how mild, will leave a small scar. I hate the way guys don't flirt with me at all anymore. I hate thinking of the way my ex used to love my soft smooth cheeks and I wonder what he would think of my face now and I want to cry because he would never want me anymore and I want to cry because he's so shallow.
I want to cry because it's not fair. I want to cry because I'm doing everything I can to make it better, I'm doing all the right things, and it just won't stop. I'm crying because I don't want my face to have holes in it especially my soft smooth cheeks that were my favorite part of my face. I'm crying because it's happening right before my eyes. I'm crying because for the first time in my life I feel ugly. I feel ashamed of my face. I don't look at people in the eye anymore and I shy away from cameras. I feel like my face is being steadily destroyed. I spend all my time researching acne and scar treatments, looking at my face, assessing the damage, counting up how much money I need to save up to fix it, and how many scars will never be fixed. I spend my time looking at little girls with their soft smooth cheeks and feeling stabs of jealousy. I spend all my time feeling like helpless and horrified.
I know some people have it worse than me. The doctor says my acne is so 'mild', my friends tell me that I look 'fine'. They say it so much sometimes I think that maybe it's all in my head and I need actually help. And then I look in the mirror and I think, no, it's there. It's all there. But no one understands. It's not their face. They don't notice the little nicks and marks and they won't until it accumulates and becomes obvious on my face. And I'm so scared of letting it get to that point.
I'm so sick of having this take over my life. I'm so sick of acne.