Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

I Can't Live Like This

21 posts in this topic

I'm sick of waking up each day and being scared to see my face because maybe I got a new blemish. I'm sick of cringing every time I look in the mirror. I'm sick of slathering on gross sunscreen and avoiding the sun so my red marks don't get darker. I'm sick of seeing my pits in the most unflattering of light. I'm sick of piling on spot treatments and watching each pimple to see if it's getting bigger. I'm sick of every papule that's a little too big and being scared I'll get cystic acne. I'm sick of counting every little dent in my face every night before bed and crying myself to sleep if there's one more than yesterday. I'm sick of reading negative reviews of every single flipping product and treatment on this site. I'm sick of feeling like nothing will ever help. I'm sick of feeling helpless in the wake of this horrible thing, this acne, that I never dreamed I would get until I started breaking out just a few months ago, spring of my senior year. I hate the way in those few months its already caused so much damage.

I'm scared that my dad will lose his job again and without insurance I won't be able to afford my antibiotics. I'm scared that my antibiotics will get worse and I'll break out in huge inflamed pustules that will leave holes all over my face.

I hate the line of holes on my nose that everyone can't help but stare. I hate all the little nicks and tiny dents in my cheek that are slowly but surely adding up to make my face look hideous. I hate the red marks on my face that are so bright and make it seem like I have more acne than I do. I hate the benzoyl peroxide that burns and the salycilic acid that itches and the fact that I'm going to keep using them because I have no choice. I hate that seventy percent of my blemishes no matter how mild, will leave a small scar. I hate the way guys don't flirt with me at all anymore. I hate thinking of the way my ex used to love my soft smooth cheeks and I wonder what he would think of my face now and I want to cry because he would never want me anymore and I want to cry because he's so shallow.

I want to cry because it's not fair. I want to cry because I'm doing everything I can to make it better, I'm doing all the right things, and it just won't stop. I'm crying because I don't want my face to have holes in it especially my soft smooth cheeks that were my favorite part of my face. I'm crying because it's happening right before my eyes. I'm crying because for the first time in my life I feel ugly. I feel ashamed of my face. I don't look at people in the eye anymore and I shy away from cameras. I feel like my face is being steadily destroyed. I spend all my time researching acne and scar treatments, looking at my face, assessing the damage, counting up how much money I need to save up to fix it, and how many scars will never be fixed. I spend my time looking at little girls with their soft smooth cheeks and feeling stabs of jealousy. I spend all my time feeling like helpless and horrified.

I know some people have it worse than me. The doctor says my acne is so 'mild', my friends tell me that I look 'fine'. They say it so much sometimes I think that maybe it's all in my head and I need actually help. And then I look in the mirror and I think, no, it's there. It's all there. But no one understands. It's not their face. They don't notice the little nicks and marks and they won't until it accumulates and becomes obvious on my face. And I'm so scared of letting it get to that point.

I'm so sick of having this take over my life. I'm so sick of acne.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

have you tried fixing your diet ? or getting to the main root of acne ? youre always gonna have acne unless you find the main cause which is either your diet or hormonal imbalance ?

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You know. I just looked at my face close in the mirror today. I felt tiredd, helpless, hopeless, and hideous. I feel exactly what you feel. Im tired. In fact im so tired, i wish i never wake up and go into a coma until i forget all of this. Im so hopeless, that all i can do, is pray, sleep, wait, believe, and hope for the best.

I ammmmmm sooooooooooo friiiigiiiiiiinnnn tiiirrreeeddd!!!!

If it was just acne and my hyperpigmentation, it would be fine because that disappears. But hypertrophic scars on my face. Bumps on my nose that never disappear making it look like my nose is a rocky road with boulders. To make it worse, large blackheads, and icepick scars on it. I hate my cheeks filled with scars and hyperpigmentation. My forhead and my temples as well.

And i know, i cant do a thing. All my option is, do my best, wait, and move on with life. But, i took that option so many times. And.. Im tired.

My wish.... It doesnt even matter cause it never comes true. Not once....

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You know. I just looked at my face close in the mirror today. I felt tiredd, helpless, hopeless, and hideous. I feel exactly what you feel. Im tired. In fact im so tired, i wish i never wake up and go into a coma until i forget all of this. Im so hopeless, that all i can do, is pray, sleep, wait, believe, and hope for the best.

I ammmmmm sooooooooooo friiiigiiiiiiinnnn tiiirrreeeddd!!!!

If it was just acne and my hyperpigmentation, it would be fine because that disappears. But hypertrophic scars on my face. Bumps on my nose that never disappear making it look like my nose is a rocky road with boulders. To make it worse, large blackheads, and icepick scars on it. I hate my cheeks filled with scars and hyperpigmentation. My forhead and my temples as well.

And i know, i cant do a thing. All my option is, do my best, wait, and move on with life. But, i took that option so many times. And.. Im tired.

My wish.... It doesnt even matter cause it never comes true. Not once....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I felt hopeless for a while too and also felt like I tried everything out there. I stumbled across Dr. Neal Schwartz online though and his products actually did the trick for me. I was skeptical at first since i had been let down one too many times before. I saw steady progress though and now I'm almost all clear. Give him a shot. He's suffered through all this stuff too and came up with a system that really seems fool proof.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

have you tried fixing your diet ? or getting to the main root of acne ? youre always gonna have acne unless you find the main cause which is either your diet or hormonal imbalance ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

you are not alone! what you have just described many of us are going through too! don't give up, keep trying. there IS a cure out there for us... personally i've had acne for 9 years and i am the only one in my social group with it, i wake up everyday dreading to check the mirror as to see how many new ones have appeared over night.... i am currently looking at candida and leaky gut being a cause of my acne.... keep going!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You know. I just looked at my face close in the mirror today. I felt tiredd, helpless, hopeless, and hideous. I feel exactly what you feel. Im tired. In fact im so tired, i wish i never wake up and go into a coma until i forget all of this. Im so hopeless, that all i can do, is pray, sleep, wait, believe, and hope for the best.

I ammmmmm sooooooooooo friiiigiiiiiiinnnn tiiirrreeeddd!!!!

If it was just acne and my hyperpigmentation, it would be fine because that disappears. But hypertrophic scars on my face. Bumps on my nose that never disappear making it look like my nose is a rocky road with boulders. To make it worse, large blackheads, and icepick scars on it. I hate my cheeks filled with scars and hyperpigmentation. My forhead and my temples as well.

And i know, i cant do a thing. All my option is, do my best, wait, and move on with life. But, i took that option so many times. And.. Im tired.

My wish.... It doesnt even matter cause it never comes true. Not once....

if you give up you are just going to get more and make things more worst ... do your research or else nothing will change u will regret it trust me have hope

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes I think that when we put ourselves in a crappy mood and have all this negative energy, it makes the acne worse. There's probably no actual connection between it...but sometimes I figure, my acne's already there and I'm doing what I can to get rid of it, so I can either cry about it or get on with my life. And sometimes I cry too, but I feel like when you feel positive and you feel good about yourself despite the acne/scars/PIH, you even look better in the mirror! Like there's a happy glow or something (it's probably the smile).

You said you tried birth control - which brand did you use? I like to think that birth control works for most women, and if you've never had acne but suddenly got it, it feels like it might be hormonal. Did you get your hormone levels tested?

1 person likes this

How I Stay Clear:
AM: Cetaphil DermaControl Oil Control Foam Wash, Cetaphil Moisturising Lotion, Cetaphil DermaControl Oil-Absorbing Lotion (SPF30)
PM: Cetaphil DermaControl Oil Control Foam Wash, Tactuo (Epiduo), MUAC 10% Mandelic Acid Serum
Extras: Diane 35 (since July 2 2013), Borghese Fango Delicato Mud Mask (2x/week), 25% Mandelic Acid Peel (2x/week)


My personal log here:


Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites


MORNING

Wash face with Skinceuticals Simply Clean
Neutrogena Sensitive Skin Moisturizer
Take Minocycline 100mg (when needed)

NIGHT
Take Spironolactone 50 mg
Wash face with Skinceuticals Simply Clean
Apply Aczone 5%
Retin-A .1% (waits 20 to 30 mins before applying)


MAKEUP

Origins Silk Screen Powder in Light Spice from Macys

Dermablend Smooth Indulgence Foundation
LancĂ´me Blush in Shimmery Pink Pool
Origins Lipstick in Buttercup
BareMinerals Flawless Definition Mascara in Black
Sephora Contour Eye Pencil Water Proof in Black Lace


Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes I think that when we put ourselves in a crappy mood and have all this negative energy, it makes the acne worse. There's probably no actual connection between it...but sometimes I figure, my acne's already there and I'm doing what I can to get rid of it, so I can either cry about it or get on with my life. And sometimes I cry too, but I feel like when you feel positive and you feel good about yourself despite the acne/scars/PIH, you even look better in the mirror! Like there's a happy glow or something (it's probably the smile).

You said you tried birth control - which brand did you use? I like to think that birth control works for most women, and if you've never had acne but suddenly got it, it feels like it might be hormonal. Did you get your hormone levels tested?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OP, I know how you feel. Having acne has turned into a psychological problem for me. I allowed my reactions to it to get so out of control that I now have to start therapy and medications to alleviate the anxiety and depression. And now the anxiety and depression doesn't revolve only around the acne, it revolves around everything. Acne is awful, but feeling hopeless or out of control because of it sometimes warrants extra help. If you can help it, don't let it turn into something that spirals out of control.

But onto the acne. I've had acne for over half of my life, and now my last resort is Accutane. I start in a couple of weeks. Have you thought about giving it a shot? I have quite a few friends who have taken it, and it's worked wonders. I've found that for myself, holistic treatments and diets don't work, and neither do strict skin care regimens. And those things weren't worth the stress of doing them. So Accutane was the best choice at this point. Maybe you could look into it? The scars and red marks you can tackle once your acne isn't an issue anymore.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There are many, MANY things to try before quitting. For example as the poster above me suggested; Accutane. I'm currently still on it myself. I have had acne for 7 years, 6 of them severe cystic, but giving up wont help. Accutane has done wonders for me (5th week).

Winners never quit and quitters never win. Don't surrender; build yourself from it. Learn from it, don't tear yourself down.

I too got anxiety from it, but I will never surrender. Something gotta go, and its not me. There is nothing to gain from surrendering; you're still gonna be you in 5 years (if you don't die that is..); it can be with or without acne. The choice is yours.

1 person likes this

Dreams do come true.


Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm also on accutane, on my 8th week now. So far it's the only thing that's really working for my acne. You could give it a shot?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know how it feels. I used to be a good student with good grades and a good athlete too. I had acne since i was 16 and it has been like 4 years now. and boy it changed my life, completely. It doesn't help when most of my friends have porcelain-like skin and model-like legs and pretty smiles and perfect teeth. I know how people would say "you're beautiful, no matter how you look. don't let acne bring you down" but I find that a serious bullshit. I mean try being me for a day. I have been suffering for years and never once I feel pretty and satisfied with my face whenever I look into the mirror. the only time I look better when looking into the mrror is when I don't have my specs on. But BAAM it will look terrible when I put it on back. To be honest I really wanted to feel happy and keep thinking of positive thoughts that everything will be okay one day but believe me the past 4 years had been horrible and my skin still have acne and dakjfadgh .

do you know how it feels when you went out with your friends and there will always someone who will try to hit on them and you're just like standing there like an invisible pole (or worse, a wicked ugly witch) ? yup that will slap you across the face. it did to me as somehow that only tells me that I don't look good enough for everyone. I may sound like I wanted the attention but I really was not. I just want my confidence back. sigh let's just hope we will find the cure for it soon okay.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know how it feels. I used to be a good student with good grades and a good athlete too. I had acne since i was 16 and it has been like 4 years now. and boy it changed my life, completely. It doesn't help when most of my friends have porcelain-like skin and model-like legs and pretty smiles and perfect teeth. I know how people would say "you're beautiful, no matter how you look. don't let acne bring you down" but I find that a serious bullshit. I mean try being me for a day. I have been suffering for years and never once I feel pretty and satisfied with my face whenever I look into the mirror. the only time I look better when looking into the mrror is when I don't have my specs on. But BAAM it will look terrible when I put it on back. To be honest I really wanted to feel happy and keep thinking of positive thoughts that everything will be okay one day but believe me the past 4 years had been horrible and my skin still have acne and dakjfadgh .

do you know how it feels when you went out with your friends and there will always someone who will try to hit on them and you're just like standing there like an invisible pole (or worse, a wicked ugly witch) ? yup that will slap you across the face. it did to me as somehow that only tells me that I don't look good enough for everyone. I may sound like I wanted the attention but I really was not. I just want my confidence back. sigh let's just hope we will find the cure for it soon okay.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know how it feels. I used to be a good student with good grades and a good athlete too. I had acne since i was 16 and it has been like 4 years now. and boy it changed my life, completely. It doesn't help when most of my friends have porcelain-like skin and model-like legs and pretty smiles and perfect teeth. I know how people would say "you're beautiful, no matter how you look. don't let acne bring you down" but I find that a serious bullshit. I mean try being me for a day. I have been suffering for years and never once I feel pretty and satisfied with my face whenever I look into the mirror. the only time I look better when looking into the mrror is when I don't have my specs on. But BAAM it will look terrible when I put it on back. To be honest I really wanted to feel happy and keep thinking of positive thoughts that everything will be okay one day but believe me the past 4 years had been horrible and my skin still have acne and dakjfadgh .

do you know how it feels when you went out with your friends and there will always someone who will try to hit on them and you're just like standing there like an invisible pole (or worse, a wicked ugly witch) ? yup that will slap you across the face. it did to me as somehow that only tells me that I don't look good enough for everyone. I may sound like I wanted the attention but I really was not. I just want my confidence back. sigh let's just hope we will find the cure for it soon okay.

I understand you. The feeling of being ugly. Of not being worthy to be looked upon. Never wanting people to go near you and talk face to face to you. Always, covering your head when someone is near you, very near. Cannot look in the eyes of someone.

I also have glasses. Whenever im gonna check the mirror, i remove my glasses, cause then i can see me without all this cursed acne and scars. I constantly lie to myself, and try to fool myself everyday. Everytime i see those people blessed with good looks, good porcelain skin, good and nice body, very smart, and athletic, i get stabbed by envy. THERE ARE PEOPLE who are smart, good looking, good body, perfect skin, athletic, and rich, in other words PERFECT PEOPLE... I envy them.......

I always ask, what did i do to deserve this.. I never treated people with acne badly. I was kind to everyone. I was honest and religious. But yet, all i got was a curse.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know how it feels. I used to be a good student with good grades and a good athlete too. I had acne since i was 16 and it has been like 4 years now. and boy it changed my life, completely. It doesn't help when most of my friends have porcelain-like skin and model-like legs and pretty smiles and perfect teeth. I know how people would say "you're beautiful, no matter how you look. don't let acne bring you down" but I find that a serious bullshit. I mean try being me for a day. I have been suffering for years and never once I feel pretty and satisfied with my face whenever I look into the mirror. the only time I look better when looking into the mrror is when I don't have my specs on. But BAAM it will look terrible when I put it on back. To be honest I really wanted to feel happy and keep thinking of positive thoughts that everything will be okay one day but believe me the past 4 years had been horrible and my skin still have acne and dakjfadgh .

do you know how it feels when you went out with your friends and there will always someone who will try to hit on them and you're just like standing there like an invisible pole (or worse, a wicked ugly witch) ? yup that will slap you across the face. it did to me as somehow that only tells me that I don't look good enough for everyone. I may sound like I wanted the attention but I really was not. I just want my confidence back. sigh let's just hope we will find the cure for it soon okay.

I understand you. The feeling of being ugly. Of not being worthy to be looked upon. Never wanting people to go near you and talk face to face to you. Always, covering your head when someone is near you, very near. Cannot look in the eyes of someone.

I also have glasses. Whenever im gonna check the mirror, i remove my glasses, cause then i can see me without all this cursed acne and scars. I constantly lie to myself, and try to fool myself everyday. Everytime i see those people blessed with good looks, good porcelain skin, good and nice body, very smart, and athletic, i get stabbed by envy. THERE ARE PEOPLE who are smart, good looking, good body, perfect skin, athletic, and rich, in other words PERFECT PEOPLE... I envy them.......

I always ask, what did i do to deserve this.. I never treated people with acne badly. I was kind to everyone. I was honest and religious. But yet, all i got was a curse.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know how it feels. I used to be a good student with good grades and a good athlete too. I had acne since i was 16 and it has been like 4 years now. and boy it changed my life, completely. It doesn't help when most of my friends have porcelain-like skin and model-like legs and pretty smiles and perfect teeth. I know how people would say "you're beautiful, no matter how you look. don't let acne bring you down" but I find that a serious bullshit. I mean try being me for a day. I have been suffering for years and never once I feel pretty and satisfied with my face whenever I look into the mirror. the only time I look better when looking into the mrror is when I don't have my specs on. But BAAM it will look terrible when I put it on back. To be honest I really wanted to feel happy and keep thinking of positive thoughts that everything will be okay one day but believe me the past 4 years had been horrible and my skin still have acne and dakjfadgh .

do you know how it feels when you went out with your friends and there will always someone who will try to hit on them and you're just like standing there like an invisible pole (or worse, a wicked ugly witch) ? yup that will slap you across the face. it did to me as somehow that only tells me that I don't look good enough for everyone. I may sound like I wanted the attention but I really was not. I just want my confidence back. sigh let's just hope we will find the cure for it soon okay.

I understand you. The feeling of being ugly. Of not being worthy to be looked upon. Never wanting people to go near you and talk face to face to you. Always, covering your head when someone is near you, very near. Cannot look in the eyes of someone.

I also have glasses. Whenever im gonna check the mirror, i remove my glasses, cause then i can see me without all this cursed acne and scars. I constantly lie to myself, and try to fool myself everyday. Everytime i see those people blessed with good looks, good porcelain skin, good and nice body, very smart, and athletic, i get stabbed by envy. THERE ARE PEOPLE who are smart, good looking, good body, perfect skin, athletic, and rich, in other words PERFECT PEOPLE... I envy them.......

I always ask, what did i do to deserve this.. I never treated people with acne badly. I was kind to everyone. I was honest and religious. But yet, all i got was a curse.


My daily routine:

Morning : Wash face with Cetaphil Oil Control Foam Wash, moisturize with Cetaphil Oil Control Moisturizer w/ spf30

Before bedtime: Wash face with Cetaphil Oil Control Foam Wash and apply Tactuo on affected areas

Medication: 100 mg Minocycline/day

Makeup routine:

Primer: B.Kamins Corrective Mattifier

Foundation: Mary Kay Timewise Matte-wear foundation

Set: Revlon Photoready Translucent Finisher


Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

scars are the worst... alot more worse than 'live' acne.

for every one of the tons of scars on my face i feel like a piece of my soul was stolen from me and im forever doomed to live in hell.

it also amazes me how bad it looks in certain light like that of the morning sun that shows every imperfection on the face, compared to how it doesnt look so bad at all in certain weak shadowy light . but i also realize my real face doesnt really change according to the light, it is that horrible surface showen in the 'worst' light possible that i can never accept as my own and i cry for being forced to own it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites