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Hve You Ever Come Close To Suicide

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I have thought about it in the past, I came pretty close to committing suicide when I was 19 and went through a truly terrible face and body acne flare. I didn't exactly have a suicide plan but I did want to die at the time and had serious thoughts about suicide.

I'm wondering how close you all have come?

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My acne has definitely caused some depressing times, but I've never had suicidal thoughts because of it.

I personally have other issues that I will always have to keep in check on a long-term basis, and acne is just one on the list.

Acne may seem like it would be the most important thing I need to take care of because it's in plain site, but when I take a step back and put myself in check, it needs to take a few steps down from the top of the list.


My Story:
I've had mild-to-moderate adult on-set acne (inflammatory) that started creeping up on me towards the end of 2009 (22 years old). Regarding previous skincare/lifestyle changes I've attempted, I've been conflicted, misinformed, resistant, allergic, and/or had my hopes up too high only to be let down. Many of my previous posts on here may reflect that. Considering I've never found an explanation as to why I developed acne in my twenties, whereas I've had flawless skin my entire life up until then, I claim to know nothing. I can only offer my humble advice based on my own personal experiences.



Finished my Accutane course on 3/29/2015
40mg/day every month for 6 months

Began 2nd course of Accutane on 10/13/2015
Even though my acne came back very mildly & nowhere near as bad as it used to be, I refused any topicals or antibiotics since I've already been through the "last resort" treatment without any problems.

My targeted length of time & dosage is currently the same as the 1st round.


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i did came close. i was staring at a knife type of close. had unbeareble nightmares. came to peace with death (which i think it's ok).

now, if you even slightly mention the word suicide, that's the biggest shout for help one can do. (!), ideally it's recommend to see a psychologist.

there a 2 main routes to suicide i think:

1. not being able to resolve an important problem for a long period of time, and being attacked by another in a different area.

2. being attacked on many life areas at the same time, really hard.

my thoughts on the solution/my case (i'm no shrink):

there are people who make u feel good even if they give u very bad news, and there are people who make u feel bad even if they give u a good news, or "help" u as they argue/think. live as much as u can with the first category.

i'm not on the right forum for this topic but believing in god is practically everything. even if we don't call it god, for example for me god is "the Human spirit", not sure it qualifies as a god tongue.png but it works for me.an ape flying to the moon and back is the closest godish thing in this universe. so i (try) and trust god (the empathic/spiritual/human connection seing people) for hope. that's the light in our lifes.

one last thought, we (the psyche) are a sort of forein affairs departament, meant to lead to food, shelter, mating, so we're ment to control/lead. the more we control the more involved and stronger we get in (the material) life. so staing alive means at least some little control. some control their bodies by getting an orgasm, some get pleasure from the (amount) of food they eat, some get pleasure by being the master (controling) a dog or a cat. i don't find them good solutions but if something or better someone takes the control of ur actions from u..

i'm not a psychologist.


today Putin is trying to steal our land! and no, i'm not referring to Crimea, but to a part of Moldova!


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Yeah but i can do nothing except taking 100 pills with is not very effective.. sometimes i just wish my room was somewhow filled with CO while i was sleeping. I think those things when i feel i have no control of my life like when acne or my other health problems are worsening. I am just tired of living a life full of problems and doctors..


What clears my acne:

Spironolactone 100 mg + limiting dairy

indoxyl (duac) gel + aha + baby brush for comedones.

3hnd.jpg


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Yes. Sadly I've set out to do it several times with several different methods. I always bottle it in the end though. When I'm thinking rationally I know that's not what I really want but in reality there's so little help out there for people experiencing these kinds of thoughts and feelings. As far as I can see, you have to actually land yourself in hospital before anyone will take you seriously and offer you any kind of help.


Current Treatment and Products

Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser
Garnier Long Lasting Shine Control Moisturiser
Garnier Oil Free BB Cream
Epiduo
Zineryt
Cetaphil Moisturising Lotion
Eliminated Dairy from my Diet

My Log:

Acne status: Odd spot here and there but mostly clear. Mainly struggling with oil, shine, and scars/hyperpigmentation.


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I've cut my wrists and stubbed out cigarettes on my arm because of how depressed acne made me at the time. That same night I was put on a psychiatric ward for 48 hours. Acne has deeply affected me. I am now on antidepressants and receive counselling.

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Not because of acne, otherwise - yes. Also cutting my arms with sharp things, still have hundreds of scars and it's embarrassing.


Diagnosed with PCOS

Occasional acne + rolling scars

Meds:


- Yasmin birth control
- Spironolactone 37,5mg going 25mg
- Inositol powder 2 times/day before meal

Skincare:

- Hemp oil




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Yeah, in the last years the thought of committing suicide is growing more and more, although I have never been close to actually doing it, but I have plans and thoughts about it and stuff I need to put in order before doing it. Obviously acne has a huge influence on this, alongside of other medical issues. The most frustrating thing I'm going through, is that these problems should have been solved by now, considering the time, effort and money I've wasted on these problems, but this is pretty much the entire story of my life, if there was a possibility of something going wrong, it sure happened, I never catch a break, ever. And it's very sad that all these problems could be solved with less money that others spend on a car or a vacation and yet I'm light years away from that amount.

But most of the people won't understand others that commit suicide, because they've never been in our shoes. Heck, 3 years ago I was saying that I will never kill myself, no matter what. But now, I don't see why I should live anymore if everyday I wake up is a sad day for me, it's been years since I can't live a normal life and this sad and boring routine is killing me slowly but surely. I'm stuck everyday in my little room, same desk, same walls, same sad loneliness everyday. I'm in a jail and I've done nothing wrong. I expected something entirely different, I wanted to be able to enjoy this life, my friends, girls, the sun, the summer, parties, holidays, a job. But all these seem very, very far and they're getting further with time passing.

it needs to take a few steps down from the top of the list.

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Yeah, in the last years the thought of committing suicide is growing more and more, although I have never been close to actually doing it, but I have plans and thoughts about it and stuff I need to put in order before doing it. Obviously acne has a huge influence on this, alongside of other medical issues. The most frustrating thing I'm going through, is that these problems should have been solved by now, considering the time, effort and money I've wasted on these problems, but this is pretty much the entire story of my life, if there was a possibility of something going wrong, it sure happened, I never catch a break, ever. And it's very sad that all these problems could be solved with less money that others spend on a car or a vacation and yet I'm light years away from that amount.

But most of the people won't understand others that commit suicide, because they've never been in our shoes. Heck, 3 years ago I was saying that I will never kill myself, no matter what. But now, I don't see why I should live anymore if everyday I wake up is a sad day for me, it's been years since I can't live a normal life and this sad and boring routine is killing me slowly but surely. I'm stuck everyday in my little room, same desk, same walls, same sad loneliness everyday. I'm in a jail and I've done nothing wrong. I expected something entirely different, I wanted to be able to enjoy this life, my friends, girls, the sun, the summer, parties, holidays, a job. But all these seem very, very far and they're getting further with time passing.

it needs to take a few steps down from the top of the list.

You made me really curious about that list grinwink.gif

Well to start off, I'm a "recovered" anoretic. Note the quotes because it's along the same lines as being a recovered alcoholic, a recovered cutter, a recovered drug abuser... but none of those are ever "cured" because they are not physical ailments. I constantly have to keep my diet in check and make sure I'm not slipping downward with my weight. I still continue to see a nutritionist once a month.

Along with that, I also see a therapist and a psychiatrist because I have bipolar disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. (side note: Yes, I realize bipolar disoder is grossly overdiagnosed by psychiatrists, but I Iegitimately do have it). And I've had of those diagnoses BEFORE I developed acne as an adult. I've been through a whirlwind of medications before landing on two taken together that keep me stable and a benzo for my anxiety. I know there are plenty of people that choose not to take medication for depression and pull themselves out of it by strong will, but when it comes to most if not all other mental disorders, coming off of meds is NOT an option. Bipolar disorder is not curable. I have to take meds every morning and every night. I still get ups and downs, and that's another thing I have to keep in check.

I started a new job. I can't focus on my acne when I'm training and have a 60 day probational period where they can fire me for any reason they want. I can't stay in bed all day because of hating how my face looks that day. Or I can't go into work with that attitude. Acne takes the backburner to my job.

My father is nearing 60 (which is hard for me to fathom because he looks 15 years younger) and he has been in and out of the hospital more times this year than I can count... currently in right now. It's hard for me to see him like that and generally realize how time really does fly because I still see my dad as the tough guy who used to use me as a weight and pull me up with his bicep when I was a kid. I can't be stuck in my own head or staring at my face for 20 minutes straight when other important s**t is going on around me. If I do, I'll lose appreciation for everything good I have in my life.

This is not a sop story. This is what comes before acne.


My Story:
I've had mild-to-moderate adult on-set acne (inflammatory) that started creeping up on me towards the end of 2009 (22 years old). Regarding previous skincare/lifestyle changes I've attempted, I've been conflicted, misinformed, resistant, allergic, and/or had my hopes up too high only to be let down. Many of my previous posts on here may reflect that. Considering I've never found an explanation as to why I developed acne in my twenties, whereas I've had flawless skin my entire life up until then, I claim to know nothing. I can only offer my humble advice based on my own personal experiences.



Finished my Accutane course on 3/29/2015
40mg/day every month for 6 months

Began 2nd course of Accutane on 10/13/2015
Even though my acne came back very mildly & nowhere near as bad as it used to be, I refused any topicals or antibiotics since I've already been through the "last resort" treatment without any problems.

My targeted length of time & dosage is currently the same as the 1st round.


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Yesterday is history, tomorrows a mystery, today is a gift that's why they call it the present.

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Yes, and have planned it. Acne is bad but at least u know there is hope. When U are permanently disfigured with scarring because of it there is no way forward,something I now accept. Im just thankful that during the first 16 years of my life(before acne) I got to experience some really great things.I was captain of the football team,made out with a lot of beautiful girls(one is now a model actually),be one of the "messers" in the class always causing trouble and having fun. Just being happy.Everyone dies eventually anyway.I guess some were just meant to be happy for a short period of time and leave shortly after. Well,thats me anyway

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There are 7 billion people in this planet. Nobody will care except ur close ones if you die. There are lot of people on this board who have got clear. Its not impossible.

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If it's impossible or not is irrelevant. It's about when you get clear. If your best years of youth are destroyed by acne and you can't develop socially, professionally, sexually etc. as a healthy, normal person, then what's the point in getting clear at like 29 years old when you'll anyway have huge scars on your face and your soul as well?

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If it's impossible or not is irrelevant. It's about when you get clear. If your best years of youth are destroyed by acne and you can't develop socially, professionally, sexually etc. as a healthy, normal person, then what's the point in getting clear at like 29 years old when you'll anyway have huge scars on your face and your soul as well?

Lets take your example and say your 59 with huge scars and on your sole as well. What then?

And just because you spent that many years in emotional pain, agony, judgement- you still lived. You probably have done things others have not. You have lived or attempted to live a life that frankly many do not get to have.This encompasses all the fun things you have participated in, done, milestones reached, progress you made, successes you have had, things you were apart of, the love you have felt, the feelings you have had (love, belonging to name a few) all this you take for granted.

I do not need to name all the terrible diseases in this world, pair them with a young child, and name all of the things they miss out on because they have no control, whereas someone with acne does have more control of their live. You can read multiple stories, hell even go into a hospital ICU ward, or cancer floor and see enough suffering to make your own feel insignificant. I do not mean to make your suffering seem like nothing, but really? When comparing the two and declaring how you have not developed "socially, professionally, sexually etc." you are no match.

Many die in hospitals and have not or will not be able to live any life. So whats the sense of them living? To suffer? No. Life is a priceless gift; you chose whether to suffer or enjoy life the best you can, dealing with the cards you were dealt the best you can. Finding hope when it seems lost. Children even those with the worst terminal illnesses always seem to be able to teach adults a thing or two about life because they are less negative about it all.

Even if/when you get clear your life is not wasted unless you tell yourself that everyday. That is your fault. In the mean time think of sick children- those with terminal cancers that live in hospitals daily, yet are able to find the strength to smile and be happy in the midst of death. Your life is not over; you can always develop "socially, professionally, sexually etc." because you have the chance to.

To this thread. Yes i have. The winter and early spring of 2012 i waited for the nightly train that rolls by my place 4-5 times daily. I walked my final walk around the town and then thought i percisely figured the time when it [train] would come. It was 2hrs late that night. Being late saved my life; along with the night,cold winter air that forced me to go inside after 30 minutes of waiting. yeah...

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I see what u are saying but in my opinion mental health is just as important as physical health. depression is an illness just like cancer in that it can end up with a person dying.Im tired of this life and would just like to be in peace. The suffering everyday is indescribeable. Insomnia,panic attacks,no appetitie,self loathing.It is a ghostly hell.Im happy with the first 16 years of my life.I know i will never be happy again.

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If it's impossible or not is irrelevant. It's about when you get clear. If your best years of youth are destroyed by acne and you can't develop socially, professionally, sexually etc. as a healthy, normal person, then what's the point in getting clear at like 29 years old when you'll anyway have huge scars on your face and your soul as well?

western culture still disregards spirituality. all those religions or philosophies have come from somwhere.

i can tell u that the only happiness - feeling good - enjoing life comes from spirituality (seeing a continuation between humans, a connection, feeling good about feeling other people happy, participating in meaningfull human interests, writing books writing on forums tongue.png , seing yourself in others, in future ones that u influence. i'll stop now with the examples smile.png ) and never the material world.

"u" can't convince me ur happy for sleeping with 10 girls a month if u crave at all the other thousands passing "u" by.

and comparing yourself with others does make you progress materially but with the cost of making you unhappy.


today Putin is trying to steal our land! and no, i'm not referring to Crimea, but to a part of Moldova!


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I disagree completely with your posts, so we'll leave it there. Everyone has a different conception about happiness and normality. I have a form of acne that doesn't let me live a normal life and be happy. I don't care about kids suffering of cancer, they got unlucky same as I did. We born and we die, some sooner and some later. Quality of life > quantity. I want stuff that would me make happy, and when I don't get them and think about kids starving in Africa, I don't feel any better. This is life, we're not equal, some of us born luckier and some of us don't.

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Ive never thought abut it no, but have been very very low....to the point where I wanna scream and shout and smash things, then run away to a isnalnd all by myself lol.

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I disagree completely with your posts, so we'll leave it there. Everyone has a different conception about happiness and normality. I have a form of acne that doesn't let me live a normal life and be happy. I don't care about kids suffering of cancer, they got unlucky same as I did. We born and we die, some sooner and some later. Quality of life > quantity. I want stuff that would me make happy, and when I don't get them and think about kids starving in Africa, I don't feel any better. This is life, we're not equal, some of us born luckier and some of us don't.

"I want stuff that would me make happy, and when I don't get them and think about kids starving in Africa, I don't feel any better"

"Stuff" like material and money do not buy happiness. Neither does looks, you are never going to be satisifed. You can want things and you can attain them you just have to put past the looks-are-everything-cannot-feel-anything-without-clear-skin attitude. You put to much focus on it therefore are setting a trap for yourself.

You do not see the value and gift of life unless you see loss and be apart of that loss. You dont feel its enormity until you are close to that person. So dying kids in africa is just words with no meaning. Therefore you cannot appreciate life nor try to make the best of it by worrying less about what you do not have much control of. Just, don't let acne control you and your drive to "get stuff" to attain whatever feelings you desire.

Easier said then done. But nobody said it was easy or that it happens right away.

I forgot to add. You do not care about kids with cancer. How you expect anyone to care for you because you have acne? It goes both ways. Would you rather have me insult you and treat you like rubbish when you come to the clinic because of your acne or would you rather me have empathy and compassion? Yeah. It goes both ways.

Doesn't mean you have to have a bleeding heart. Just means you pay them the respect they deserve as they didnt ask for it (as many of us have) because that is somebody's kid...Someone loves them no matter what. Dont take that way from them. I understand that your life, although your own experiences, its not over or as hard as you say when you compare it as i have done. You are in a position to change your outlook and live a better life by accepting your acne as being apart of you. Therefore you can find ways to help yourself both emotionally and physically to live your life.

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K3tchup - this is one of the best post I've read on this site! So well said...


Diagnosed with PCOS

Occasional acne + rolling scars

Meds:


- Yasmin birth control
- Spironolactone 37,5mg going 25mg
- Inositol powder 2 times/day before meal

Skincare:

- Hemp oil




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Money is everything, money can buy happiness, you just have to know how to use it. Money would allow me fixing my health issues, between other things, and living a normal life, which would make me happy. I start more and more to think that most people in here have mild forms of acne/scars, if they can give advices like you have. There is absolutely no way I will ever accept my acne as a part of myself, because it's a horrible disease, there is no way I can live a normal life in this condition. Anyone who disagrees is either lying or does not have severe acne. Period.

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Money is everything, money can buy happiness, you just have to know how to use it. Money would allow me fixing my health issues, between other things, and living a normal life, which would make me happy. I start more and more to think that most people in here have mild forms of acne/scars, if they can give advices like you have. There is absolutely no way I will ever accept my acne as a part of myself, because it's a horrible disease, there is no way I can live a normal life in this condition. Anyone who disagrees is either lying or does not have severe acne. Period.

If it is everything in your life then you are putting its importance over top people and ideas like friends, loved ones, and love in general. We have different priorities in life. I know what mine are as do you. Money can "superficially" fix your issues but they are never permanently healed; money gives you a false sense of security. You still have the images of your disease in your pysche. Money doesn't tell you that "this doesn't matter, its whats on the inside" as does a real person.

I had severe acne. I wasted thousands of dollars to which i am still paying on for what i tried to fix because i had money. In the end, it was from love, not money, that helped me cope and still does. Period.

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Money fix issues, you just have to know how to fix them. If you have money and get Accutane to treat your acne for example, you're doing it wrong. Love won't pay my treatment bills, nor my friends or family. Sure, I can lie to myself too and say that what's inside a person matters the most and I'm no different than others, but it's no help. The truth is that I would like to be a normal, healthy person fitting in this society and at this right moment I'm pretty much disgusting. It's obviously we have different views on things and what sever acne means, we'll just have to agree to disagree.

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