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My Journey

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I have posted this as a blog too, but decided to post everything I blog in a forum also...

post-355400-0-12646800-1381374093.jpg

I have posted this as a blog too, but decided to post everything I blog in a forum also...

A long ways back I used to be a member of this community as flyBOYkp.. Seeing as I no longer have access to the email address attached to that username, I have created a new account.

A lot has transpired since my postings from 4 years ago when I began a daily regimen of Accutane for "acne"...

Long story short; Accutane failed once, twice and then a third time. Why? Accutane is successfully used to treat acne, not HS AKA "Hidradenitis Suppurative" If you are not familiar with this ailment, it is an inflammatory disease of certain glands within the skin, there is no cure. This disease has dictated the better part of my life for the past 7 years.

I came back to acne.org because I felt that of all places I've ever blogged, it is here I would be understood most. I believe that what connects everyone in this community is not acne, dry skin, oily skin, peroxide, proactiv, Accutane or any of the various remedies on the market. I believe that the way we feel about and the things we tell ourselves is what we have in common. I have recently realized that one large part of my life that has been missing the past couple of years is writing. I used to come onto this website and blog about the way I felt and what I was having a hard time with or even how I was progressing. During the past couple of years, a lot of tremendous change has happened in my life. Having moved from my hometown, to a large city and landing what seemed to be an impossible job, I should be happy. The problem is, I seem to have lost connection with the very things that kept my feet on the ground.

Living paycheck to paycheck in my crappy apartment didn't seem all of that great a couple of years ago, but I felt a lot happier and secure than I do now. I have everything going for me, yet I fight it. Why? That is what I am trying to sort out and it is proving a lot more difficult than I ever imagined. As a last resort I started seeing a therapist and after 3 months I stopped going because I had turned it into another burden for myself to juggle. It isn't easy to talk to anyone. Even a therapist cannot begin to imagine the physical and emotional anguish I have survived in the past 7 years. I have become so numb that expressing anything besides anger has become nearly impossible. I used to cry almost every night and beg God to have mercy and relieve me from the pain I was feeling. I spent hours online blogging about the pain I felt and trying to get anyone to understand where I was coming from. Unfortunately, I just looked like an ass.

The one thing I do miss is having an outlet for the intense emotions I feel due to my struggle. High atop my shoulders I carry all of the stresses of day to day life, as well as the feelings of worthlessness and shame that come with having this skin disease. This blog will not just deal with skin, treatments and progress I hope to make. I hope to find an audience of people who can relate, share and hopefully find some inspiration in the journey of my life.

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your skin looks great in that photo, very cool with the plane in the back

yes writing can be good for the soul, and you are right, there are kindred souls here- so blog away

I was one of the rare ones that accutane didn't work for, so I know how you feel, even on this site it works for EVERYONE, they may or may not suffer through the one month initial breakout and then the miracle occurs......for the handful of us in the outlying fringe, it can be a very depressing place to be. I just kept pushing, journaling and documenting what I needed to do to get my acne to a very manageable state...took longer and it's very hard to stick to the routine but I do it.

I look forward to reading your blog

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your skin looks great in that photo, very cool with the plane in the back

yes writing can be good for the soul, and you are right, there are kindred souls here- so blog away

I was one of the rare ones that accutane didn't work for, so I know how you feel, even on this site it works for EVERYONE, they may or may not suffer through the one month initial breakout and then the miracle occurs......for the handful of us in the outlying fringe, it can be a very depressing place to be. I just kept pushing, journaling and documenting what I needed to do to get my acne to a very manageable state...took longer and it's very hard to stick to the routine but I do it.

I look forward to reading your blog

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I know that almost every over emotional person says this at one point but I'm being serious..

There was a point in live where the only thing I had was music. From the depths of me, music was able to extract every difficult emotion that was I was otherwise unable to feel. Sometimes that was sadness, sometimes I needed to cry, and sometimes music was the only part of my life that could bring about the last of my happiness.

Yesterday during a long drive up north to visit home, I flipped through most of the music on my Iphone and was reminded of a few songs that play a large part in the soundtrack to my life. I thought I would share a couple of them because I feel that the majority of people who have had painful circumstances to deal with have felt the same way about certain songs.

For the first blog I want to talk about the song Eastern Glow by The Album Leaf

I first heard this song when I was 16 while watching an episode of The OC. The scene entails Marissa sitting on the beach with a bottle of liquor, calling Ryan and when he picks up she says nothing. She just sits and listens to him say "hello" Here is a clip with the song if you would like to watch: http://youtu.be/9iJrdPjfxyI

When I hear this song, It always reminds me of pain and change. Sometimes this song was the only reason I was able to feel what I needed to, which was usually pain I bottled up and eventually went numb. This song brings it back to the top. I see Marissa on the beach and I can feel her heavy heart. The pain she feels when Ryan answers the phone and the resignation she felt with each swallow is something I can relate to. It reminds me of what pain looks like and all of the times I didn't realize the amount of pain I was carrying around with me.

The pain and sorrow I felt every day that I woke up me. The way if feels to clutch your chest because the pain you feel makes it seem as though a broken heart is actually possible. The way it feels to starve yourself sick and watch your body disappear. The way it feels to die on the inside and be a useless being on the outside. The way it feels to look in the mirror and see your body being defeated and feeling like there is nothing that can help. Drinking yourself into a stupor in an attempt to forget the pain. Walking through your empty house for the last time, not knowing if you will ever find home again. Walking on the wet pavement with the heavy clouds so low you could almost touch them. Telling your mom that you hate her because she has never understood the pain you've endured. Buying every product on the shelves and being crushed when It doesn't change any of the ugly you see in yourself. Wondering what you did to deserve such a fate and trying to place the blame in your own hands. Constantly developing a new disclaimer for people because you want to make sure they know it isn't your fault. Trying to be anyone, anything besides what you are. Loving you, but being afraid that you could never love me and all of this.

Sitting outside on my driveway looking up at the moon as if it were the face of God and begging for a different life is what this song means to me.

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