Jump to content

Photo

I'm Not Worthy Of Being In A Relationship?


This topic has been archived. This means that you cannot reply to this topic.
33 replies to this topic

#21 Spotthedifference

Spotthedifference

    Member

  • Veteran Members
  • Posts & Likes
    Posts: 551
    Gallery Images: 42
    Likes: 163
About Me
  • Joined: 07-April 12

Achievements

     

Posted 03 October 2013 - 05:36 AM

There's two main issues in the OP that I'd like to address.

 

1) Feeling other people deserve better.

You do not control other people and their desires and wishes, and thus are not responsible for those desires or wishes and any consequences which result from them there-on-in. You do not decide who finds you attractive and not. Your own opinion of your appearance is not the only opinion of your appearance possible. In the hypothetical situation the other person has a definite interest in you. Rejecting them because you've decided what is and is not 'good for them' in relation to 'society's' opinion of you is ludicrous. You do not control their opinion. You do not control general public opinion. Your only gauge of what their opinion is is if they tell you, and even then, it's not up to you to try to alter or deter that opinion. People are responsible for their own lives. Having these feelings of responsibility for others is not helpful unless they are your children or other dependants. 

 

2) Feeling you're not worthy in and of yourself.

You are a person with psychological, emotional and physical aspects. The body is a tool. Yes, we might complain about this tool and have the right to do so because it is ours - for example, one with crayons may envy someone with pencils. We are allowed to have our own opinion about ourselves; it is conductive to life. However, one can create a masterpiece with crayons if they posses enough skill. Who you are is carried about by your body, it is not, in fact, the other way around. 'You do not have a soul, you ARE a soul. You have a body'. There are not many things in life we can control, but our perceptions of the reality surrounding us is fortunately one of those rare few elements. Happiness is a choice we make, unless there are underlying biological issues which tamper with our physiological structures and affect our psyches. One can choose to be happy with or without clear skin.

 

We can't control the world. We can't control other people. We can't always control what happens to us. But we can control who we are, what we make of what we are given, how we think.


Currently clear of acne with the occasional hormonal breakout. Check out my routines and progress updates here:
http://www.acne.org/...g-and-duac-gel/

Treat yourself as you treat others.


#22 dunedain

dunedain

    Member

  • Veteran Members
  • Posts & Likes
    Posts: 323
    Likes: 61
About Me
  • Joined: 11-February 13

Achievements

     

Posted 03 October 2013 - 05:28 PM

If you can't love yourself, how the heeeellllllllllll you gon' love somebody else!


AMCetaphil Oily Skin Cleanser, Cetaphil Moisturising Lotion, Cetaphil DermaControl Oil-Absorbing Lotion (SPF30)
PMCetaphil Oily Skin Cleanser, Clindamycin Phosphate 1%, Dan's 10% AHA, Benzagel 5% Benzoyl Peroxide 
ExtrasDiane 35 (since July 2 2013), Borghese Fango Delicato Mud Mask (2x/week)
My personal log here: http://www.acne.org/...l-gel-log-pics/


#23 catpiece

catpiece

    New Member

  • Members
  • Posts & Likes
    Posts: 2
    Likes: 0
About Me
  • Joined: 05-October 13

Posted 05 October 2013 - 11:19 PM

Hi, UnacceptedRealist

 

I have exactly the same problem right now- a nice, cool, good-looking guy has expressed (and continues to express) interest in me and I am unable to reciprocate because of my poor self esteem.  I am aware that this is completely irrational of course!  I also doubt that I would ever be able to function well in a relationship because of my self-consciousness.    

 

The worst part is that I have no idea how to explain this to him without sounding like a maniac and/or hurting his feelings ...



#24 UnacceptedRealist

UnacceptedRealist

    Junior Member

  • Members
  • Posts & Likes
    Posts: 49
    Likes: 27
About Me
  • Joined: 18-July 12

Posted 06 October 2013 - 02:46 PM

I appreciate all the thoughtful replies, guys.  And I partially agree with the consensus; specifically, I do think that my self-esteem is 'low' (or at least lower than usual...), but I don't think I suffer from a "self-esteem issue."  I guess it depends on your definition of an 'issue', but, in my opinion, my self-esteem -- or lack thereof -- is appropriate.  It's the acne, and the other of acne-related ailments, that are the issue.  And in my case, many of those issues aren't going anywhere (I mean, realistically speaking, my acne scarring is fairly permanent).

 

Moreover, I really don't see how it's possible to be 'happy', or  'accept' myself, because I don't like the way I look.  And I don't believe this is an inherently irrational concept.  I mean, I'll be honest: I wouldn't be attracted to someone if they looked like I do.  It's really that simple.  I just don't change my standards for myself. 

 

So, I guess my situation is entirely internal; I only have myself to blame and I'm content with that.

 

Also, to clarify:

 

My "hypothetical scenario" was, actually, hypothetical.  No one has ever 'liked' me and, quite frankly, I don't blame them -- I mean, I don't even like myself...

 

I guess I'm just weird.


Edited by UnacceptedRealist, 06 October 2013 - 04:57 PM.


#25 catpiece

catpiece

    New Member

  • Members
  • Posts & Likes
    Posts: 2
    Likes: 0
About Me
  • Joined: 05-October 13

Posted 06 October 2013 - 04:38 PM

Hi UnacceptedRealist:

 

Sorry if I misinterpreted what you were trying to say.  In terms of feeling like you don't have an "issue" because your poor self self-esteem reflects reality - I sometimes feel that way too; like I'm just able to see how objectively depressing my situation is.  Then again, I think most normal people over-evaluate their looks.  We need coping mechanisms to unrealistically boost our sense of self-worth, otherwise we wouldn't be able to function on a day-to-day basis.  So I guess I would characterize my poor self-esteem as rational but not normal, if that makes sense.


Edited by catpiece, 06 October 2013 - 04:39 PM.


#26 UnacceptedRealist

UnacceptedRealist

    Junior Member

  • Members
  • Posts & Likes
    Posts: 49
    Likes: 27
About Me
  • Joined: 18-July 12

Posted 06 October 2013 - 05:36 PM

Hi UnacceptedRealist:

 

Sorry if I misinterpreted what you were trying to say.  In terms of feeling like you don't have an "issue" because your poor self self-esteem reflects reality - I sometimes feel that way too; like I'm just able to see how objectively depressing my situation is.  Then again, I think most normal people over-evaluate their looks.  We need coping mechanisms to unrealistically boost our sense of self-worth, otherwise we wouldn't be able to function on a day-to-day basis.  So I guess I would characterize my poor self-esteem as rational but not normal, if that makes sense.

 

I think you're right.  I lack the willingness to view myself more favorably than I would someone else in my situation (or, as you put it, coping mechanisms).

 

That said, functioning on a day-to-day basis is not a struggle for me, and I don't think I need to boost my sense of self-worth.  This, I think, is because my "low self-esteem" is confined to a specific component of my life -- intimate relationships.  I don't suffer from an overall lack of self-confidence or an inability to discern my weaknesses from my strengths.  In fact, I think the latter is something I'm particularly good at; I have the ability (willingness?) to admit my faults and analyze them in an objective fashion.  So, in a way, I think the fact that I'm able to acknowledge my faults, and live within my perceived limitations, adds to my overall self-worth.  Perhaps, this is my coping mechanism...



#27 SunnySarah

SunnySarah

    Member

  • Veteran Members
  • Posts & Likes
    Posts: 147
    Likes: 55
About Me
  • Joined: 01-August 13

Achievements

     

Posted 07 October 2013 - 04:25 AM

I appreciate all the thoughtful replies, guys.  And I partially agree with the consensus; specifically, I do think that my self-esteem is 'low' (or at least lower than usual...), but I don't think I suffer from a "self-esteem issue."  I guess it depends on your definition of an 'issue', but, in my opinion, my self-esteem -- or lack thereof -- is appropriate.  It's the acne, and the other of acne-related ailments, that are the issue.  And in my case, many of those issues aren't going anywhere (I mean, realistically speaking, my acne scarring is fairly permanent).

 

Moreover, I really don't see how it's possible to be 'happy', or  'accept' myself, because I don't like the way I look.  And I don't believe this is an inherently irrational concept.  I mean, I'll be honest: I wouldn't be attracted to someone if they looked like I do.  It's really that simple.  I just don't change my standards for myself. 

 

So, I guess my situation is entirely internal; I only have myself to blame and I'm content with that.

 

Also, to clarify:

 

My "hypothetical scenario" was, actually, hypothetical.  No one has ever 'liked' me and, quite frankly, I don't blame them -- I mean, I don't even like myself...

 

I guess I'm just weird.

Unaccepted Realist,

I used to have moderate acne and it plagued my everyday life, somehow turning fun events into something I wished I didn't have to go to. Acne definitely can lower self esteem, but try and let it not get in the way of life. If you're going to live with something for a while, you may want to try and be as positive as you can about it. (:

How do you know that no-one has ever liked you? 



#28 UnacceptedRealist

UnacceptedRealist

    Junior Member

  • Members
  • Posts & Likes
    Posts: 49
    Likes: 27
About Me
  • Joined: 18-July 12

Posted 07 October 2013 - 01:10 PM

Unaccepted Realist,

I used to have moderate acne and it plagued my everyday life, somehow turning fun events into something I wished I didn't have to go to. Acne definitely can lower self esteem, but try and let it not get in the way of life. If you're going to live with something for a while, you may want to try and be as positive as you can about it. (:

How do you know that no-one has ever liked you? 

 

In theory, I agree -- being positive is usually a good thing.  But, in reality, I just can't convince myself that it's practical; it's extremely difficult for me to be genuinely positive about my appearance because I'm constantly reminded of what I really look like (and trust me, I don't have 'moderate' acne) -- be it mirrors or talking to people who can't make eye contact.  I have, however, tried to circumvent this issue by improving areas of my appearance that I can control, and, to some extent, it has worked.  I'm proud to say that I consider myself to be in very good shape physically; but still, aesthetically, I'm just not content enough to be genuinely positive.

 

As for knowing I've never been 'liked', I really don't 'know' that, but I'd be willing to bet that it's the case.



#29 SunnySarah

SunnySarah

    Member

  • Veteran Members
  • Posts & Likes
    Posts: 147
    Likes: 55
About Me
  • Joined: 01-August 13

Achievements

     

Posted 07 October 2013 - 01:30 PM

Unaccepted Realist,

I used to have moderate acne and it plagued my everyday life, somehow turning fun events into something I wished I didn't have to go to. Acne definitely can lower self esteem, but try and let it not get in the way of life. If you're going to live with something for a while, you may want to try and be as positive as you can about it. (:

How do you know that no-one has ever liked you? 

 

In theory, I agree -- being positive is usually a good thing.  But, in reality, I just can't convince myself that it's practical; it's extremely difficult for me to be genuinely positive about my appearance because I'm constantly reminded of what I really look like (and trust me, I don't have 'moderate' acne) -- be it mirrors or talking to people who can't make eye contact.  I have, however, tried to circumvent this issue by improving areas of my appearance that I can control, and, to some extent, it has worked.  I'm proud to say that I consider myself to be in very good shape physically; but still, aesthetically, I'm just not content enough to be genuinely positive.

 

As for knowing I've never been 'liked', I really don't 'know' that, but I'd be willing to bet that it's the case.

What makes you unhappy about how you look? 

 And I'm 100% positive someone has liked you. As a shy person myself, I usually do not tell the people I like that I'm interested in them. Some of them had acne, some of them didn't. Regardless, I still didn't let it slip that I liked them. You're more than just what you look like. You sound like you have a nice personality and there are plenty of people out there that would be attracted to you. Don't let your un-perfect skin characterize who you are.



#30 UnacceptedRealist

UnacceptedRealist

    Junior Member

  • Members
  • Posts & Likes
    Posts: 49
    Likes: 27
About Me
  • Joined: 18-July 12

Posted 07 October 2013 - 02:27 PM

What makes you unhappy about how you look? 

 And I'm 100% positive someone has liked you. As a shy person myself, I usually do not tell the people I like that I'm interested in them. Some of them had acne, some of them didn't. Regardless, I still didn't let it slip that I liked them. You're more than just what you look like. You sound like you have a nice personality and there are plenty of people out there that would be attracted to you. Don't let your un-perfect skin characterize who you are.

 

Thanks for the kind words.

 

I'd rather not detail exactly what I don't like about my appearance; but, basically, I have acne and relatively severe acne scarring.

 

Also, I don't think my skin completely characterizes who I am, but it certainly limits who I can become.  It's just reality, appearances matter to most people (myself included) and there's just not much I can do about what I look like.  I guess, honestly, I don't want to be happy just to be happy.  I'm not happy about how I look; I'll probably never be happy about how I look, and this is okay with me because, considering my situation, it seems like a reasonable outlook.

 

Although, I don't intend to let my flaws (legitimate or not) impact my life in any overly negative way.  I'm still pursuing what I want to do, and I think that I'll ultimately be fairly successful -- even if I'm not truly 'happy' about my appearance.


Edited by UnacceptedRealist, 07 October 2013 - 02:33 PM.


#31 Anthony22

Anthony22

    New Member

  • Members
  • Posts & Likes
    Posts: 16
    Likes: 5
About Me
  • Joined: 03-October 13

Posted 07 October 2013 - 03:17 PM

Unaccepted Realist, you are an individual with your own set of beliefs and values which are inherent to you, nobody else. Everybody has a different outlook when it comes to acne/scarring. Just because you wouldn’t find the other sex with similar acne/scarring attractive, doesn’t mean everyone will take a similar viewpoint.

I’m not saying all of this just to offer words of comfort, I’m speaking from experience and what I have witnessed in my life.

I do believe you are on the right track though, improving other aspects of your life will help to diminish the psychological effects that acne has had on you. I wish you all the best!



#32 UnacceptedRealist

UnacceptedRealist

    Junior Member

  • Members
  • Posts & Likes
    Posts: 49
    Likes: 27
About Me
  • Joined: 18-July 12

Posted 07 October 2013 - 04:22 PM

Unaccepted Realist, you are an individual with your own set of beliefs and values which are inherent to you, nobody else. Everybody has a different outlook when it comes to acne/scarring. Just because you wouldn’t find the other sex with similar acne/scarring attractive, doesn’t mean everyone will take a similar viewpoint.

I’m not saying all of this just to offer words of comfort, I’m speaking from experience and what I have witnessed in my life.

I do believe you are on the right track though, improving other aspects of your life will help to diminish the psychological effects that acne has had on you. I wish you all the best!

 

You're right and I didn't mean to imply that I thought everyone (or anyone, for that matter) shared my views. 



#33 SunnySarah

SunnySarah

    Member

  • Veteran Members
  • Posts & Likes
    Posts: 147
    Likes: 55
About Me
  • Joined: 01-August 13

Achievements

     

Posted 07 October 2013 - 04:45 PM

What makes you unhappy about how you look? 

 And I'm 100% positive someone has liked you. As a shy person myself, I usually do not tell the people I like that I'm interested in them. Some of them had acne, some of them didn't. Regardless, I still didn't let it slip that I liked them. You're more than just what you look like. You sound like you have a nice personality and there are plenty of people out there that would be attracted to you. Don't let your un-perfect skin characterize who you are.

 

Thanks for the kind words.

 

I'd rather not detail exactly what I don't like about my appearance; but, basically, I have acne and relatively severe acne scarring.

 

Also, I don't think my skin completely characterizes who I am, but it certainly limits who I can become.  It's just reality, appearances matter to most people (myself included) and there's just not much I can do about what I look like.  I guess, honestly, I don't want to be happy just to be happy.  I'm not happy about how I look; I'll probably never be happy about how I look, and this is okay with me because, considering my situation, it seems like a reasonable outlook.

 

Although, I don't intend to let my flaws (legitimate or not) impact my life in any overly negative way.  I'm still pursuing what I want to do, and I think that I'll ultimately be fairly successful -- even if I'm not truly 'happy' about my appearance.

I think appearance has varying levels of importance depending on the situation. IMO, in a relationship, appearance has little value, but I also tend to date unattractive guys. I find myself more attracted to someone who is intelligent, funny, witty and spontaneous than a good-looking man that doesn't have those characteristics. Some people place more importance on importance, others on personality, but overall personality is a huge factor, especially in long term. In a job setting, you might gain a little advantage over others for having a nice looking face, but overall it is your credentials that you will earn you the job. 

Why do you feel like your skin limits what you can do? And hopefully I can help you become happy with how you look. :)



#34 UnacceptedRealist

UnacceptedRealist

    Junior Member

  • Members
  • Posts & Likes
    Posts: 49
    Likes: 27
About Me
  • Joined: 18-July 12

Posted 07 October 2013 - 05:18 PM

I think appearance has varying levels of importance depending on the situation. IMO, in a relationship, appearance has little value, but I also tend to date unattractive guys. I find myself more attracted to someone who is intelligent, funny, witty and spontaneous than a good-looking man that doesn't have those characteristics. Some people place more importance on importance, others on personality, but overall personality is a huge factor, especially in long term. In a job setting, you might gain a little advantage over others for having a nice looking face, but overall it is your credentials that you will earn you the job. 

Why do you feel like your skin limits what you can do? And hopefully I can help you become happy with how you look. smile.png

 

Well, considering I've never been in a relationship, I'll take your word for anything relationship-related.

 

As for my skin limiting what I can do, that's not necessarily what I meant.  I'm sure it doesn't help my career aspirations, but what I meant was, actually, who I become -- not what I do.  My scarring is severe enough that it is very noticeable and I can attempt to hide it (which I don't see myself doing...), but realistically I can't rid myself of it.  That's tough for me because I have most of my life ahead, and I never thought I'd be dealing with this long-term.

 

And, I don't mean this as an insult, but you're not going to be able to "help me become happy with how I look."  To me, it's just not that simple; it's not something I'm going to accept.  I'm really not sure why I scarred like I did, and, more than likely, I'll be forever haunted by the fact that I might have been able to prevent it.

 

I do, however, appreciate your willingness to converse with me.  Outside of this site, I have nobody to talk about these issues with.  So, for that, thanks again.