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Bdd, Acne, And Meds...help

medication acne depression bdd

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#41 Rosalie324

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Posted 21 August 2013 - 11:00 PM

Just maliciously attacked my face. I want to die. Why am I such a failure? Why can't I just be pretty?



#42 goodz19

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Posted 22 August 2013 - 07:56 AM

Just maliciously attacked my face. I want to die. Why am I such a failure? Why can't I just be pretty?

I do every night, and I know it just makes things worse, seems like I just cant stop.  Came home from work yesterday and while I wasnt happy, I wasnt on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Then when I go in the bathroom to do my nightly routine, I go wild on every little bump I see.  It sjust compulsive behavior.  Cant help myself.  I feel horrible after doing so.  I am lucky in that I dont go far as to make myself bleed or anything so the redness and swelling I create by prodding and squeezing is gone by morning.  Im a mess.



#43 Rosalie324

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Posted 26 August 2013 - 08:19 PM

It h as been an extremely horrific past couple of days. Panic attack, followed by panic attack, followed by anxiety that never seems to end. I had to go to the hospital yesterday because I was extremely dehydrated and my electrolytes are out of whack. What really is killing me is that I haven't been able to follow my normal regimen. I don't have any of my products with me, everything I take is closely monitored (so my vitamins aren't allowed), and I feel so exposed. I am so insecure about the way I look that I had my mum bring me hats and I'm basically hiding under blankets. 

 

These panic attacks have been the worst of my life. It got so horrible that my limbs went numb, I couldn't feel my stomach, and my body went into survival mode and started seizing. They had to put me on oxygen just to get me to stop hyperventilating. This panic was all stemmed from me waking up yesterday morning and looking in the mirror. I was dizzy and seeing spots, but I continued with my regimen (being as stubborn as I am) and then looked in the mirror and began to panic. This excelled to the point that my parents stuck me in a car and drove me to the hospital because I was barely conscious. I had another one of those attacks today, and I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. My meds don't seem to be doing their job, and my PRN benzos barely make a dent anymore.

 

I am so out of my comfort zone and even though I'm here to be medically stabilized, all I want to do is go home. To me, it's not as important as taking care of skin and being able to perform my rituals. My OCD thoughts have kicked up to an unbearable level and all the Drs. can do for me is keep my sedated and as calm as possible. Which in all honesty, isn't working. I'm hanging on by a thread at this point. My body image and BDD about my skin are both terrible and I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I can't even look in the mirror and see improvement anymore because I've been maliciously attacking my face every night. I want more than anything to have a shred of help, but that shred has slipped away. I feel like my life is over. 

 

I don't feel ready to accept help. Which seems so selfish when I see the agony that I'm putting my family, boyfriend, and friends through, but I just can't surrender. I'm not ready to give up my rituals. I don't believe that I'm seeing a distorted image of myself. Even though it seems irrational that everyone else is blind to my flaws and I'm the only one who can see them, that is what I believe. I feel crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I always say "When my face is better, everything will be okay". And I hope to God that is true... When will I be ready to accept help? When will this madness end? I can't take much more of this...



#44 goodz19

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Posted 27 August 2013 - 09:15 AM

It h as been an extremely horrific past couple of days. Panic attack, followed by panic attack, followed by anxiety that never seems to end. I had to go to the hospital yesterday because I was extremely dehydrated and my electrolytes are out of whack. What really is killing me is that I haven't been able to follow my normal regimen. I don't have any of my products with me, everything I take is closely monitored (so my vitamins aren't allowed), and I feel so exposed. I am so insecure about the way I look that I had my mum bring me hats and I'm basically hiding under blankets. 

 

These panic attacks have been the worst of my life. It got so horrible that my limbs went numb, I couldn't feel my stomach, and my body went into survival mode and started seizing. They had to put me on oxygen just to get me to stop hyperventilating. This panic was all stemmed from me waking up yesterday morning and looking in the mirror. I was dizzy and seeing spots, but I continued with my regimen (being as stubborn as I am) and then looked in the mirror and began to panic. This excelled to the point that my parents stuck me in a car and drove me to the hospital because I was barely conscious. I had another one of those attacks today, and I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. My meds don't seem to be doing their job, and my PRN benzos barely make a dent anymore.

 

I am so out of my comfort zone and even though I'm here to be medically stabilized, all I want to do is go home. To me, it's not as important as taking care of skin and being able to perform my rituals. My OCD thoughts have kicked up to an unbearable level and all the Drs. can do for me is keep my sedated and as calm as possible. Which in all honesty, isn't working. I'm hanging on by a thread at this point. My body image and BDD about my skin are both terrible and I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I can't even look in the mirror and see improvement anymore because I've been maliciously attacking my face every night. I want more than anything to have a shred of help, but that shred has slipped away. I feel like my life is over. 

 

I don't feel ready to accept help. Which seems so selfish when I see the agony that I'm putting my family, boyfriend, and friends through, but I just can't surrender. I'm not ready to give up my rituals. I don't believe that I'm seeing a distorted image of myself. Even though it seems irrational that everyone else is blind to my flaws and I'm the only one who can see them, that is what I believe. I feel crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I always say "When my face is better, everything will be okay". And I hope to God that is true... When will I be ready to accept help? When will this madness end? I can't take much more of this...

Im really sorry to hear that you've had a rough several days.  About a year ago, I was in the same dark place as you, suffering panic attacks and putting myself in a hospital.  It is really a horrible position to be in, compulsions and distorted thoughts controlling your mind.  I empathize.  Ive hit rock bottom before, and while I havent really crawled that much further up from there, please dont lose hope.  Somethings got to change, right?

 

Not to sound disparaging, but maybe being where you are is the best place for you at the moment; you may be able to get more help than you would if you werent. 

 

As Ive mentioned, I been down that road.  Feel free to send me a private message if you ever need someone to talk to.


Edited by goodz19, 27 August 2013 - 09:17 AM.


#45 Rosalie324

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Posted 03 September 2013 - 04:07 PM

Okay so update from the past week and half...

 

I've only been able to leave my house on three occasions. Every time was with my boyfriend, except for yesterday night I went to see Mortal Instruments with my dad and sister, then i went out with my boyfriend. It's been extremely stressful being housebound because of my skin. My parents have seriously been on top of me with everything and it's starting to drive me nuts. I mean their over speculation has some warrant. I have/continue to lose a lot of weight. They're telling me that I look unhealthy, but I can't manage to put enough food into my body. I'm extremely nauseous all the time, so eating anything is a huge to do. I'm trying my best, but that isn't seeming to cut it and I'm really fed up with my parents at this point.

 

I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow that I'm dreading. I don't want him to see how much weight I've lost and I don't want my mother barging in there demanding that I be hospitalized. Which is what I fear will happen. Honestly, i don't know what to do. I'm so worried about my face that my mind is constantly ruminating on that subject, so my weight has taken the back burner. I want to feel better, but there's nothing that I can do to make that happen. Maybe I do need some sort of treatment. I have seemingly lost all control of myself. My boyfriend told me yesterday that he can't stand by and watch me disintegrate. He gets angry at himself because he "wants to help me" but can't. It's so the opposite of what should be... he should be mad at me.

 

There is way too much going on with me right now. i can't even prioritize my problems because they're all taking such an emotional, physical, and mental toll on me. If it's not one worry it's another. if It's not my skin it's me weight. And so on and on and on and on. I'm going to lose it :( Any advice on how to handle tomorrow? I'm at a loss of what to say to my doctor. On the one hand, I want him to be able to help me, but on the other I don't want to let on how much I'm struggling.



#46 goodz19

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Posted 04 September 2013 - 06:08 AM

Okay so update from the past week and half...

 

I've only been able to leave my house on three occasions. Every time was with my boyfriend, except for yesterday night I went to see Mortal Instruments with my dad and sister, then i went out with my boyfriend. It's been extremely stressful being housebound because of my skin. My parents have seriously been on top of me with everything and it's starting to drive me nuts. I mean their over speculation has some warrant. I have/continue to lose a lot of weight. They're telling me that I look unhealthy, but I can't manage to put enough food into my body. I'm extremely nauseous all the time, so eating anything is a huge to do. I'm trying my best, but that isn't seeming to cut it and I'm really fed up with my parents at this point.

 

I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow that I'm dreading. I don't want him to see how much weight I've lost and I don't want my mother barging in there demanding that I be hospitalized. Which is what I fear will happen. Honestly, i don't know what to do. I'm so worried about my face that my mind is constantly ruminating on that subject, so my weight has taken the back burner. I want to feel better, but there's nothing that I can do to make that happen. Maybe I do need some sort of treatment. I have seemingly lost all control of myself. My boyfriend told me yesterday that he can't stand by and watch me disintegrate. He gets angry at himself because he "wants to help me" but can't. It's so the opposite of what should be... he should be mad at me.

 

There is way too much going on with me right now. i can't even prioritize my problems because they're all taking such an emotional, physical, and mental toll on me. If it's not one worry it's another. if It's not my skin it's me weight. And so on and on and on and on. I'm going to lose it sad.png Any advice on how to handle tomorrow? I'm at a loss of what to say to my doctor. On the one hand, I want him to be able to help me, but on the other I don't want to let on how much I'm struggling.

Be up front w/ your doctor on everything you are going through.  Its important that they know the whole picture to be able to try to properly help you. 

 

I know how hard it is, losing perspective on what is/isnt important, and how to prioritize your feelings.  It's a very very bad cycle to get yourself into.  Ive been there, maybe still am, I dunno. 

 

You may only be able to get the help you need, and probably desire, if you are completely open and honest with the doctor. 

 

Good luck



#47 WishClean

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Posted 06 September 2013 - 12:00 PM

Hey Rosalie, I'm sorry you are going through so much right now. I think that therapy can help, especially if you are seeing a psychologist that you feel comfortable opening up to. When I had eating disorders and couldn't make myself eat, I was seeing a therapist and I also tried to do things that would make me happy on a daily basis. More than therapy, getting a dog helped me focus on something other than myself. If you stay home a lot and isolate yourself that definitely won't help things. Maybe try to do more fun things with your boyfriend and your family, who accept and love you for who you are. 

I also want to mention that vitamin D is helping me with depression and anxiety, so if you have any vitamin/mineral deficiencies that could be a contributing factor to the psychological issues you are facing. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon!

EDIT: you may also want to look into therapeutic enzymes. There is some great research on the effects of enzymes on disorders like autism and OCD, some along similar lines as inositol. Of course, these are not as strong as prescription medication, but they helped many people esp. young children. 


Edited by WishClean, 06 September 2013 - 12:12 PM.


#48 Rosalie324

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Posted 17 September 2013 - 05:49 PM

Hi everyone...

 

I just got out of the hospital. I was in there for two weeks. I initially went to my psychiatrist for a regular outpatient appointment, but upon evaluating me he gave me an ultimatum. Either I get a higher level of care or he would give me 30 days and then drop me as a patient. Seeing as I can't afford to NOT have psychiatrist, my mother drove me to an inpatient center near where I live and I was immediately admitted. Turns out I was severely dehydrated and was sent to the ER to get IV fluids, dextrose, and potassium. I was there for about 12 hours and then was taken to the eating disorders program. My vitals are way out of whack. My blood pressure is really low and my pulse really high (i.e. 87/54 and 150bpm). I also had to detox off a Xanax because it turns out I was taking enough to cause a seizure. So that has been a really painful process. I signed myself out of the hospital yesterday because I couldn't stand being there any longer. I do believe I am stable enough to be home though, despite what the doctors may say. I'm hopefully going to be starting a PHP (partial-hospitalization program) this week to help get my weight back up and deal with my OCD/BDD.

 

It's been really difficult because upon entering the hospital i wasn't given my face medications until 2 days into the program and I broke out on my forehead and the right side of my mouth/chin. I was so self-conscious the whole time I was there, but I overcame my fear and dealt with the discomfort. I am now dealing with the aftermath or that breakout and have a bunch of new scars/red marks from attacking my face. The stress was pretty severe in there, so I'm trying not to judge myself too harshly for popping my pimples. My forehead is almost back to being clear though, only one zit left to subside. I am grateful for that.

 

I went out today instead of hiding in my house. Which is a HUGE step foward. I am also sticking to my meal plan and writing down everything I eat so that I stay on course. That part is probably the most difficult. I feel ashamed when I allow myself to eat. I'm almost excited to start the program so that my food is out of my hands and other people will be in charge of that sh*t. I can't take the pressure.



#49 WishClean

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Posted 18 September 2013 - 12:16 PM

Hi Rosalie,

So sorry to hear what you've been through. Detoxing from xanax is definitely a step in the right direction, and so is eating more. I've been through eating disorders, depression, anxiety and BDD, and it really takes strength to force yourself to get over the hungups you have about yourself and do the right thing for your health. What helped me recover from anorexia was getting a dog. Therapy didn't do that much, as I was already aware of my issues. By getting a dog, it forced me to focus on someone other than myself and become less obsessed with my flaws. You could try to find more things to do that make you happy and keep you busy (going out is a start!) so that you are not left alone worrying about your issues. It seems that you are now on the right track, so I hope you will feel better soon! 

Avoiding mirrors can also help with recovery btw. 






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