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Bdd, Acne, And Meds...help

medication acne depression bdd

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#21 Rosalie324

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Posted 12 August 2013 - 10:23 AM

 

Rosalie: If you are allergic/intolerant to SSRIs, there is also some evidence for the effectiveness of the tricyclic antidepressant clomipramine for BDD, although tricyclics are quite "dirty" drugs with more side effects (e.g. dizziness, lethargy).

 

http://www.ncbi.nlm....f/wpa010012.pdf

 

 

Good luck

 

 Thank you! I will definitely look into that. It's always good to know your stuff when talking to doctors...

 

 

 

>First off, kudos to you for getting treatment. A lot of people with BDD don't ask for help due to shame, anxiety, etc. I have to completely agree with your psychiatrist. You said you are taking Seroquel instead of Lithium, which only has a 2% chance of causing acne, right? So that means there is a 98% chance that you won't develop any acne while taking it. Those are some pretty good odds. Just keep on taking your meds, and hopefully your anxiety will decrease so that you can make all of your therapy appontments. Therapy is what is really going to make a difference in you feeling better. I know that once I started taking my medication regualrly, my anxiety decreased so that I didn't have anxiety attacks before going to my therapy appointments. Just hang in there, I know you are a strong, amazing girl. I wish the very best to you, and I hope you can start feeling good about yourself; you deserve to be happy.

 

XOXO

<3

 

Thank you... Luckily i also have really supportive/invasive parents that are pushing me to get help. I know its annoying right now, but hopefully all their pushing will help me in the long run. I am definitely sticking to my medication regimen because this anxiety will be the death of me otherwise. It's always such a tricky game finding the right meds and I hope I'll find the right cocktail (pardon the expression) sooner rather than later :/ It's so good to hear that you're doing well and that there is hope! I do NEED to start keeping my therapy appointments instead of canceling due to my insecurities. Have to remember these people are psychologists and their job is to not judge me. 

 

Keep on keeping on, I suppose! Xo

That's wonderful! biggrin.png It's always really helpful to have supportive parents, even if it is annoying. I know from experience, lol. It seems like you have a really good mindset though. Good for you! And thanks! When you mentioned it's a psychologist's job not to judge, it made me remember when I first started going to therapy I had such a hard time talking and opening up because I was afraid I was going to be judged. My therapist picked up on this, and he told me that no matter what I told him, he would not judge me, ever. And after that I really started to open up and make progress. So you are very right about that. Just try and remember that when you are talking to your therapist. smile.png

 

 

My parents are definitely a great support system, thankfully they always have been throughout my years of struggling. I wish I could say I have a good mindset, but in reality (as I've said) I talk a big game. I know rationally that all the things I say to you guys are true, but it's really not what I believe. I DO want to change the way I think about myself because I'm so tired of fighting. Life shouldn't be about constantly battling with myself. Starting with a new therapist is always such a pain. Building up the trust and letting my guard down is a process, but I'm semi-willing to try and be open minded. As long as I keep my anxiety down I think I may have a fighting chance. 

 

GUNNKE, you are correct. BPD stands for Borderline Personality disorder and DBT is Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I think the only way that I could have access to both the therapies on an affordable level is to be in a treatment facility. My psychiatrist wanted to send me to an inpatient (hospitalization) program so he could monitor me on new medications and so I could receive some intensive therapy. I'm currently living like a hermit because I don't leave my house unless for appointments with doctors. I did have a small triumph last night and took a walk around my neighborhood. Granted it was at nighttime and no one was around, but I won't judge myself because it was difficult nonetheless. 

 

I can completely relate to you in the sense that social and life experiences have basically beaten me to a pulp and left me feeling like a worthless person. Part of the reason I've put off treatment for so long is because I'm using up my family's insurance benefits. I've already used all the emergency room visits up and I'm continually using the speciality doctor benefits due to seeing dermatologists, endocrinologists, psychiatrists, and psychologists. I want to change the way I think about myself because I believe once that happens, everything else will sort itself out. I will be a happier person, I will lead a healthier and happier life, and due to that the things I want will fall into place. Like my skin clearing up the way I want it to. I honestly don't know how I expect to be healthy when I don't go outside, don't exercise, and am basically living in a room. It's obviously ludicrous. Ugh. Why can't this just go away?

 

Thank you for all the support! I will definitely be having a serious talk with my psychiatrist on Tuesday. I'll update frequently because I love hearing from everyone and feel better knowing I'm not alone or crazy... Xo

 

Rosalie, firstly well done managing that walk. Just because it was difficult, that doesn`t make it any less of an achievement and you should congratulate yourself for doing it. Also think it`s really positive that you want to change your situation and the way you think - it will help you going forward with therapy

 

That`s really unfortunate about the insurance situation. Even though I had to go on a waiting list, I`m able to have CBT in the UK via the NHS so I guess I`m pretty lucky. Definitely speak to your psychiatrist on Tuesday about your options.

 

Savy mentioned in her post about worrying about being judged by her therapist. I felt exactly the same when I started CBT - I actually told the therapist that I felt intimidated and worried about what she thought of me. She reassured me that she would not judge me and I now feel comfortable talking to her about anything. Think this applies to everyone who starts therapy and I`m pretty sure that most therapists are aware of this and will do their best to put you at ease.

 

That is so great that you have such good benefits out in the UK. Hopefully my psych will have some good suggestions that will give me some realistic options. My appointment is tomorrow. I'm having major anxiety about it. Anytime I know I will have to be in public, my body goes into panic overload and I'm not sure what to do with myself. So far, my day has consisted of pacing my house for an hour, making breakfast and not eating it, then I came on here to get some feedback. I am so grateful to have you guys as support. 

 

Maybe I'll take another walk tonight to remind myself that I'm capable of stepping out the door and experiencing life. Geez, I sound so pathetic. :(

 

BTW, I have been in an intensive CBT program before, but that was back in 2007. I barely remember what it's about... Would you guys mind refreshing my memory about what the treatment module is? 



#22 Bodie81

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Posted 12 August 2013 - 11:03 PM

That is so great that you have such good benefits out in the UK. Hopefully my psych will have some good suggestions that will give me some realistic options. My appointment is tomorrow. I'm having major anxiety about it. Anytime I know I will have to be in public, my body goes into panic overload and I'm not sure what to do with myself. So far, my day has consisted of pacing my house for an hour, making breakfast and not eating it, then I came on here to get some feedback. I am so grateful to have you guys as support. 

 

Maybe I'll take another walk tonight to remind myself that I'm capable of stepping out the door and experiencing life. Geez, I sound so pathetic. sad.png

 

BTW, I have been in an intensive CBT program before, but that was back in 2007. I barely remember what it's about... Would you guys mind refreshing my memory about what the treatment module is? 

In simplistic terms, CBT is a type of therapy that aims to change the way you think and and behave.

 

At the first session, you usually identify the problems you are currently having and how your thoughts, ideas, behaviours etc impact on your life on a day to day basis. This is done so that going forward, you and the therapist can agree to a specific treatment plan and identify what you want to achieve from CBT.

 

At subsequent sessions, you then get to work on tackling specific problems. Usually at the start of a session, an agenda is set for the session so that you and the therapist identify what you want to discuss. During the session, you will discuss the issues at hand and then at the end of a session, the therapist will probably give you a task or "homework" to do away from the session.

 

Before I started CBT, I read quite a number of articles on what to expect from CBT but I found the following article on the patient.co.uk website to be the most clear, concise and helpful. Although patient.co.uk is UK based, I`m sure that the information they provide is also relevant to CBT in the US.

 

http://www.patient.c...erapy-(CBT).htm

 

Good luck with the psych appointment. It will be hard but I`m sure you can do it. And by the way, don`t think of yourself as pathetic.There are plenty of people out there who are in the same situation who can totally relate.


Edited by GUNNKE, 12 August 2013 - 11:10 PM.


#23 Rosalie324

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Posted 13 August 2013 - 02:27 PM

That is so great that you have such good benefits out in the UK. Hopefully my psych will have some good suggestions that will give me some realistic options. My appointment is tomorrow. I'm having major anxiety about it. Anytime I know I will have to be in public, my body goes into panic overload and I'm not sure what to do with myself. So far, my day has consisted of pacing my house for an hour, making breakfast and not eating it, then I came on here to get some feedback. I am so grateful to have you guys as support. 

 

Maybe I'll take another walk tonight to remind myself that I'm capable of stepping out the door and experiencing life. Geez, I sound so pathetic. sad.png

 

BTW, I have been in an intensive CBT program before, but that was back in 2007. I barely remember what it's about... Would you guys mind refreshing my memory about what the treatment module is? 

In simplistic terms, CBT is a type of therapy that aims to change the way you think and and behave.

 

At the first session, you usually identify the problems you are currently having and how your thoughts, ideas, behaviours etc impact on your life on a day to day basis. This is done so that going forward, you and the therapist can agree to a specific treatment plan and identify what you want to achieve from CBT.

 

At subsequent sessions, you then get to work on tackling specific problems. Usually at the start of a session, an agenda is set for the session so that you and the therapist identify what you want to discuss. During the session, you will discuss the issues at hand and then at the end of a session, the therapist will probably give you a task or "homework" to do away from the session.

 

Before I started CBT, I read quite a number of articles on what to expect from CBT but I found the following article on the patient.co.uk website to be the most clear, concise and helpful. Although patient.co.uk is UK based, I`m sure that the information they provide is also relevant to CBT in the US.

 

http://www.patient.c...erapy-(CBT).htm

 

Good luck with the psych appointment. It will be hard but I`m sure you can do it. And by the way, don`t think of yourself as pathetic.There are plenty of people out there who are in the same situation who can totally relate.

 

So, my appointment went really well today! I was pleasantly surprised that my psychiatrist didn't push too hard for me to go back on the Lithium. Instead, he suggested that I start taking a medically therapeutic does of Inositol. It works basically the same way as Lithium, intracellulary, to help with mood stabilization. it also has been proven to significantly help with stopping the OCD cycle. He also upped my Serqouel dose, which is not that big of a deal because so far no breakouts *knocks on wood*. Just trying to take it on a day by day basis. I may be able to do more one day than I can the next, and i suppose the difficult part is to except that and not beat myself up it. 

 

My psychiatrist did insist that I need to be an intensive therapy program. He looked into some outpatient programs that he recommended I at least give a try. It would consist of individual CBT therapy, group therapy, family therapy, meal support (I'm sadly now back on a weight gain program for my eating disorder), and specialty groups designed to help me cope. It's 5 days a week 9-4, so I'm highly anxious about having to be out of my house for such extended periods of time. I need to give this some serious thought :( 

 

Thank you for all the support... You are all such wonderful people. Xo



#24 Bodie81

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Posted 13 August 2013 - 03:30 PM

So, my appointment went really well today! I was pleasantly surprised that my psychiatrist didn't push too hard for me to go back on the Lithium. Instead, he suggested that I start taking a medically therapeutic does of Inositol. It works basically the same way as Lithium, intracellulary, to help with mood stabilization. it also has been proven to significantly help with stopping the OCD cycle. He also upped my Serqouel dose, which is not that big of a deal because so far no breakouts *knocks on wood*. Just trying to take it on a day by day basis. I may be able to do more one day than I can the next, and i suppose the difficult part is to except that and not beat myself up it. 

 

My psychiatrist did insist that I need to be an intensive therapy program. He looked into some outpatient programs that he recommended I at least give a try. It would consist of individual CBT therapy, group therapy, family therapy, meal support (I'm sadly now back on a weight gain program for my eating disorder), and specialty groups designed to help me cope. It's 5 days a week 9-4, so I'm highly anxious about having to be out of my house for such extended periods of time. I need to give this some serious thought sad.png

 

Thank you for all the support... You are all such wonderful people. Xo

That`s really positive - and well done for attending too. I know that would have taken a lot of courage to do!

 

Definitely give the intensive therapy program some thought. The thought of doing it may be anxiety provoking but you would be in a safe environment with lots of support.

 

All the best!


Edited by GUNNKE, 13 August 2013 - 03:30 PM.


#25 Rosalie324

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Posted 14 August 2013 - 11:43 AM

Today seems like a better day for me. I woke up, did my normal regimen (in the dark as always), and when I turned on the lights there was a surprise awaiting me. My face didn't look all that awful. I was genuinely shocked, and even think I did some sort of a double take. Of course, i was able to point out a million things that I would love to seem improved, but I shook the thoughts and walked away from the mirror. It's the first time in weeks that I have left the mirror without crying. I don't know if things on my face are improving, or my medications are starting to kick in, but I was sincerely proud of myself. When I came out the bathroom seemingly composed, my mum was just as shocked. Normally I tell her to clear off whilst I do my regimen. So, a successful morning all around. 

 

I'm planning on seeing my boyfriend today, for the first time in a while. I hope I can actually keep these plans. I get the feeling nowadays he's starting to believe I'm  mad. Oh well, take it one moment at a time I suppose. 



#26 Rosalie324

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Posted 15 August 2013 - 09:33 PM

I'm so sad. I went out tonight with my boyfriend, despite hating my appearance for hours before leaving the house. I kept catching glimpses in the side mirror of myself and scrutinizing on the white head on my chin that I had bravely not picked at. The night carried on, being with my boyfriend is always comforting so, I started to relax a bit. Then nighttime came and we were in the dark, so I relaxed even more. When it came time for me to come home I started getting anxious and the anxiety built the moment I stepped foot into my house.

 

I ran upstairs to do my face care regimen (in the dark like always) and impulsively I turned on the lights. I think I looked so disgusting, I couldn't even stand it. So I started picking and picking and picking. I picked at the tiny bumps on my forehead that I've been resisting to pick for months. I picked at the white head that was taunting me. I picked at every little imperfection on my face. Now I'm all red, swollen, ashamed, and miserable. I took Advil for inflammation and my meds to maybe help my anxiety, but an hour later, I still feel like sh*t. 

 

I'm trying my best not to indulge in feeling my face because I know everything I popped is swollen, and every flaw is exasperated by the amount I attacked my poor skin. I don't know if I overdid it or something by going out two nights in a row, but I seriously feel back at square one. I have lost all control over my OCD behaviors... I am so discouraged. I am also discouraged by the appearance of my skin. Why is it that I can wake up in the morning and say to myself "it;s not that bad" and at nighttime my skin always looks so irritated with me?? Like things magically got 10000x worse in the daytime. If this is how it's going to continue, I want to always be sleeping, so my skin cannot worsen. 

 

I'm too tired and frustrated to cry right now. I'm more angry than anything. Angry at myself for picking at my skin. Angry at my dermatologist for giving me a treatment that's not working like she promised. Angry at my medications because they're not kicking in fast enough. I'm just so freaking angry and frustrated and sad. I feel so done with all of this. I'm tired of being the optimistic one. I'm always the caretaker. Through all my illness, I have ALWAYS been the one that makes everyone else feel better... Why can't anyone see how much I'm in pain? I don't know what to do with myself anytime. Two months it's been since I embarked on my journey for clear skin. I might as well be back at Day 1 because that's the condition my skin is STILL IN!!! I don't care who says two months isn't a long time. Try walking in my shoes for two months and see how long one day lasts... how one week feels like months,,, how one month felt like a century... and how these past two months have been the most difficult of my life. 

 

I am so devastated. My acne and my illnesses are going to defeat me. I don't want to fight back anymore. Just like Rosalie was the Bi-Polar Anorexic, Rosalie is going to be the Dysmorphic Obsessive Compulsive hermit. I'm 18 and I feel like my life is over. Where is the light in all of this? Why can't I get a break? 



#27 MoonlitRiver

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Posted 16 August 2013 - 10:31 AM

I'm so sad. I went out tonight with my boyfriend, despite hating my appearance for hours before leaving the house. I kept catching glimpses in the side mirror of myself and scrutinizing on the white head on my chin that I had bravely not picked at. The night carried on, being with my boyfriend is always comforting so, I started to relax a bit. Then nighttime came and we were in the dark, so I relaxed even more. When it came time for me to come home I started getting anxious and the anxiety built the moment I stepped foot into my house.

 

I ran upstairs to do my face care regimen (in the dark like always) and impulsively I turned on the lights. I think I looked so disgusting, I couldn't even stand it. So I started picking and picking and picking. I picked at the tiny bumps on my forehead that I've been resisting to pick for months. I picked at the white head that was taunting me. I picked at every little imperfection on my face. Now I'm all red, swollen, ashamed, and miserable. I took Advil for inflammation and my meds to maybe help my anxiety, but an hour later, I still feel like sh*t. 

 

I'm trying my best not to indulge in feeling my face because I know everything I popped is swollen, and every flaw is exasperated by the amount I attacked my poor skin. I don't know if I overdid it or something by going out two nights in a row, but I seriously feel back at square one. I have lost all control over my OCD behaviors... I am so discouraged. I am also discouraged by the appearance of my skin. Why is it that I can wake up in the morning and say to myself "it;s not that bad" and at nighttime my skin always looks so irritated with me?? Like things magically got 10000x worse in the daytime. If this is how it's going to continue, I want to always be sleeping, so my skin cannot worsen. 

 

I'm too tired and frustrated to cry right now. I'm more angry than anything. Angry at myself for picking at my skin. Angry at my dermatologist for giving me a treatment that's not working like she promised. Angry at my medications because they're not kicking in fast enough. I'm just so freaking angry and frustrated and sad. I feel so done with all of this. I'm tired of being the optimistic one. I'm always the caretaker. Through all my illness, I have ALWAYS been the one that makes everyone else feel better... Why can't anyone see how much I'm in pain? I don't know what to do with myself anytime. Two months it's been since I embarked on my journey for clear skin. I might as well be back at Day 1 because that's the condition my skin is STILL IN!!! I don't care who says two months isn't a long time. Try walking in my shoes for two months and see how long one day lasts... how one week feels like months,,, how one month felt like a century... and how these past two months have been the most difficult of my life. 

 

I am so devastated. My acne and my illnesses are going to defeat me. I don't want to fight back anymore. Just like Rosalie was the Bi-Polar Anorexic, Rosalie is going to be the Dysmorphic Obsessive Compulsive hermit. I'm 18 and I feel like my life is over. Where is the light in all of this? Why can't I get a break? 


Hi Rosalie,

I've been following this thread for a little while but haven't commented yet as I don't have a lot of knowledge of the particular things you were seeking advice on. However, I can relate very easily to this last post and I'm so sorry to hear you had such a rubbish day. I often get the urge to just pick at my face when I think it's looking particularly bad even though I know it's probably the worst thing I could do. But honestly, just because you gave into that urge this one time does not mean you are back to square one! Recovering from any psychological problem, as I'm sure you well know, is a long and difficult process and you're bound to mess up occasionally and take the odd backwards step. That doesn't mean you're not still progressing forward overall, it just means you need a bit more time that's all. Looking at it from another angle, the fact that you were brave enough to go out two nights in a row in the first place suggests to me that you are definitely making progress. You don't have to beat yourself up just because you may make a few mistakes on the way, you are human after all!

In terms of thinking your skin looks worse at night, I always get that feeling too. I think it's mostly because artificial lighting is even less flattering to blemished skin than natural light so to me my skin always looks a lot redder and angrier after dark. It doesn't mean that your skin's actually getting worse during the day and it certainly doesn't mean you need to sleep all the time in order for it to get better (although I know it sometimes feels like you just want to fall asleep and stay asleep until your skin's better and this has all gone away). But in reality I think this phenomenon is no more than the different light settings we were talking about on the other thread.

I can also really relate to you being fed up of being the "caretaker" because I feel like that all the time as well. I help to solve all my friends' problems but most of the time they never notice that I'm in complete inner turmoil myself. I suppose another way of looking at it is that your friends and family think you're handling your situation so well that they don't realise that you need some extra help and support at the moment. I'm sure if you could bring yourself to talk to them a bit about how you're feeling they would be more than happy to offer you this support. Sometimes we kind of expect the people around us to be mindreaders and guess what's going on inside our heads but the truth is that they're not and sometimes they just need you to be straight with them and tell them how you're feeling in order to know you need their help. I know what you mean about treatments taking a frustratingly long time. I'm also so desperate for my skin treatments to work and feel like the past month and a half has been an absolute age yet my skin still looks horrible to me. But in reality I'm sure that your skin, like mine, has actually dramatically improved since you started this treatment two months ago. I know it sometimes feels like a treatment is doing nothing, but they do all take time and I'm sure your dermatologist and your psychiatrist have probably prescribed to you what they think will help you best in the long run. You just have to trust that they know what they're doing and that things will get better. 

Lastly, your acne and your illnesses will not defeat you. You've fought through so much already and I'm sure you're very capable of seeing this treatment through and progressing towards the fulfilling life that you deserve. You were never "Rosalie the Bi-Polar Anorexic" and you will never be "Rosalie the Dysmorphic Obsessive Compulsive Hermit". You are Rosalie, that is all. Your illnesses are a part of you but they will never define you, they're just labels for some particular difficulties that you are going through at the moment. They are temporary and you can overcome them. You just need a bit more time, some loving support from friends and family, and the faith in yourself to know that you can succeed and come out of this a better and stronger person in the end. 

I really wish you all the best Rosalie and don't ever give up! If you do you might miss something really bright that's waiting for you just around the corner. smile.png
 


Edited by MoonlitRiver, 16 August 2013 - 10:34 AM.


#28 Rosalie324

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Posted 16 August 2013 - 10:57 AM

I'm so sad. I went out tonight with my boyfriend, despite hating my appearance for hours before leaving the house. I kept catching glimpses in the side mirror of myself and scrutinizing on the white head on my chin that I had bravely not picked at. The night carried on, being with my boyfriend is always comforting so, I started to relax a bit. Then nighttime came and we were in the dark, so I relaxed even more. When it came time for me to come home I started getting anxious and the anxiety built the moment I stepped foot into my house.

 

I ran upstairs to do my face care regimen (in the dark like always) and impulsively I turned on the lights. I think I looked so disgusting, I couldn't even stand it. So I started picking and picking and picking. I picked at the tiny bumps on my forehead that I've been resisting to pick for months. I picked at the white head that was taunting me. I picked at every little imperfection on my face. Now I'm all red, swollen, ashamed, and miserable. I took Advil for inflammation and my meds to maybe help my anxiety, but an hour later, I still feel like sh*t. 

 

I'm trying my best not to indulge in feeling my face because I know everything I popped is swollen, and every flaw is exasperated by the amount I attacked my poor skin. I don't know if I overdid it or something by going out two nights in a row, but I seriously feel back at square one. I have lost all control over my OCD behaviors... I am so discouraged. I am also discouraged by the appearance of my skin. Why is it that I can wake up in the morning and say to myself "it;s not that bad" and at nighttime my skin always looks so irritated with me?? Like things magically got 10000x worse in the daytime. If this is how it's going to continue, I want to always be sleeping, so my skin cannot worsen. 

 

I'm too tired and frustrated to cry right now. I'm more angry than anything. Angry at myself for picking at my skin. Angry at my dermatologist for giving me a treatment that's not working like she promised. Angry at my medications because they're not kicking in fast enough. I'm just so freaking angry and frustrated and sad. I feel so done with all of this. I'm tired of being the optimistic one. I'm always the caretaker. Through all my illness, I have ALWAYS been the one that makes everyone else feel better... Why can't anyone see how much I'm in pain? I don't know what to do with myself anytime. Two months it's been since I embarked on my journey for clear skin. I might as well be back at Day 1 because that's the condition my skin is STILL IN!!! I don't care who says two months isn't a long time. Try walking in my shoes for two months and see how long one day lasts... how one week feels like months,,, how one month felt like a century... and how these past two months have been the most difficult of my life. 

 

I am so devastated. My acne and my illnesses are going to defeat me. I don't want to fight back anymore. Just like Rosalie was the Bi-Polar Anorexic, Rosalie is going to be the Dysmorphic Obsessive Compulsive hermit. I'm 18 and I feel like my life is over. Where is the light in all of this? Why can't I get a break? 


Hi Rosalie,

I've been following this thread for a little while but haven't commented yet as I don't have a lot of knowledge of the particular things you were seeking advice on. However, I can relate very easily to this last post and I'm so sorry to hear you had such a rubbish day. I often get the urge to just pick at my face when I think it's looking particularly bad even though I know it's probably the worst thing I could do. But honestly, just because you gave into that urge this one time does not mean you are back to square one! Recovering from any psychological problem, as I'm sure you well know, is a long and difficult process and you're bound to mess up occasionally and take the odd backwards step. That doesn't mean you're not still progressing forward overall, it just means you need a bit more time that's all. Looking at it from another angle, the fact that you were brave enough to go out two nights in a row in the first place suggests to me that you are definitely making progress. You don't have to beat yourself up just because you may make a few mistakes on the way, you are human after all!

In terms of thinking your skin looks worse at night, I always get that feeling too. I think it's mostly because artificial lighting is even less flattering to blemished skin than natural light so to me my skin always looks a lot redder and angrier after dark. It doesn't mean that your skin's actually getting worse during the day and it certainly doesn't mean you need to sleep all the time in order for it to get better (although I know it sometimes feels like you just want to fall asleep and stay asleep until your skin's better and this has all gone away). But in reality I think this phenomenon is no more than the different light settings we were talking about on the other thread.

I can also really relate to you being fed up of being the "caretaker" because I feel like that all the time as well. I help to solve all my friends' problems but most of the time they never notice that I'm in complete inner turmoil myself. I suppose another way of looking at it is that your friends and family think you're handling your situation so well that they don't realise that you need some extra help and support at the moment. I'm sure if you could bring yourself to talk to them a bit about how you're feeling they would be more than happy to offer you this support. Sometimes we kind of expect the people around us to be mindreaders and guess what's going on inside our heads but the truth is that they're not and sometimes they just need you to be straight with them and tell them how you're feeling in order to know you need their help. I know what you mean about treatments taking a frustratingly long time. I'm also so desperate for my skin treatments to work and feel like the past month and a half has been an absolute age yet my skin still looks horrible to me. But in reality I'm sure that your skin, like mine, has actually dramatically improved since you started this treatment two months ago. I know it sometimes feels like a treatment is doing nothing, but they do all take time and I'm sure your dermatologist and your psychiatrist have probably prescribed to you what they think will help you best in the long run. You just have to trust that they know what they're doing and that things will get better. 

Lastly, your acne and your illnesses will not defeat you. You've fought through so much already and I'm sure you're very capable of seeing this treatment through and progressing towards the fulfilling life that you deserve. You were never "Rosalie the Bi-Polar Anorexic" and you will never be "Rosalie the Dysmorphic Obsessive Compulsive Hermit". You are Rosalie, that is all. Your illnesses are a part of you but they will never define you, they're just labels for some particular difficulties that you are going through at the moment. They are temporary and you can overcome them. You just need a bit more time, some loving support from friends and family, and the faith in yourself to know that you can succeed and come out of this a better and stronger person in the end. 

I really wish you all the best Rosalie and don't ever give up! If you do you might miss something really bright that's waiting for you just around the corner. smile.png
 

 

Thank you so much for all the kind words. I'm trying really hard to not let my illnesses define me, but when I feel that complete loss of control I can no longer find myself in this mess. It's like I have lost all say in what I want for myself, and my OCD has taken over my body. I was hoping to wake up today and have one of those moments where I say "hey, you don't look too bad", and instead I looked in the mirror and saw the destruction I created last night. Sure, the zits are gone, but now I have the red marks and inevitable scars that I will have to deal with. Frustrating beyond words. I want to be proud of myself for working up the courage to going out with my boyfriend, but the only emotion tied to those events as of now, is shame. i am ashamed of the way I looked yesterday and feel I shouldn't have been allowed to expose myself to others. 

 

I tried to talk to my mum this morning about how rough last night was for me, but she brushed me off. Almost as if she doesn't have time or care enough to acknowledge that I'm struggling. I feel like the only way people will finally understand my pain is when I completely stop fighting. If I stayed in bed for months on end, or if I went back to self harming, or if I stopped eating. Otherwise, this whole obsession with my face is only perceived as me being superficial. Therefore I find it very difficult to voice how I am truly feeling, and instead suffer in silence. I am the caretaker, that is my role. When I stray from that role is when everybody goes off the beaten track, and then I'm to blame. It's a horrible face of my life that I wish I could change. I know logically that it's not my responsibility to make sure everyone else if okay, but it's something I've always done. People have become accustomed to that and now I kind of screwed myself. I can't take care of everyone else and have the time or energy to take care of myself. 

 

I feel like I'm slowly being suffocated and one day I won't be able to breathe anymore. I won't give up, but I don't know if I can fight as hard as I have been. I guess that means I'm at a standstill. How depressing...



#29 goodz19

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Posted 16 August 2013 - 01:36 PM

I wish there was something that I could say to help, but as another fellow sufferer, nothing seems to come to mind except that I know how you feel.  I feel the same way every day.  Every day is a chore.  I cant just do anything I want because I let the state of my skin dictate my mood.  Its pitiful really.  Its becoming monotonous and driving me nuts.  Literally.  I think that Im letting all this take over my mind so much, Im not even the same person that I used to be.  I dunno how many more meds, for my face and for my psychological issues, I can take or try out.  Ive hit the wall hard and dont know what to do anymore.   



#30 MoonlitRiver

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Posted 16 August 2013 - 03:51 PM

Thank you so much for all the kind words. I'm trying really hard to not let my illnesses define me, but when I feel that complete loss of control I can no longer find myself in this mess. It's like I have lost all say in what I want for myself, and my OCD has taken over my body. I was hoping to wake up today and have one of those moments where I say "hey, you don't look too bad", and instead I looked in the mirror and saw the destruction I created last night. Sure, the zits are gone, but now I have the red marks and inevitable scars that I will have to deal with. Frustrating beyond words. I want to be proud of myself for working up the courage to going out with my boyfriend, but the only emotion tied to those events as of now, is shame. i am ashamed of the way I looked yesterday and feel I shouldn't have been allowed to expose myself to others. 

 

I tried to talk to my mum this morning about how rough last night was for me, but she brushed me off. Almost as if she doesn't have time or care enough to acknowledge that I'm struggling. I feel like the only way people will finally understand my pain is when I completely stop fighting. If I stayed in bed for months on end, or if I went back to self harming, or if I stopped eating. Otherwise, this whole obsession with my face is only perceived as me being superficial. Therefore I find it very difficult to voice how I am truly feeling, and instead suffer in silence. I am the caretaker, that is my role. When I stray from that role is when everybody goes off the beaten track, and then I'm to blame. It's a horrible face of my life that I wish I could change. I know logically that it's not my responsibility to make sure everyone else if okay, but it's something I've always done. People have become accustomed to that and now I kind of screwed myself. I can't take care of everyone else and have the time or energy to take care of myself. 

 

I feel like I'm slowly being suffocated and one day I won't be able to breathe anymore. I won't give up, but I don't know if I can fight as hard as I have been. I guess that means I'm at a standstill. How depressing...


You're not at a standstill, I think you just need to take a step back, take a breather, and re-evaluate your situation. I know it feels like everything's against you sometimes and you're constantly fighting your emotions, your skin, your medication, your family, etc. but you don't always have to construe your progress in the form of a fight. Yes, sometimes you need to take aggressive steps forward, like saying "right, I'm going to take the plunge and try this therapy programme" for example. But in between these steps you can take the time to just relax and live a bit without attaching too many expectations to yourself. If you have a bad day, it doesn't matter, it's not going to affect your overall progress, it's just part of the course. Your skin will heal from what you did last night if you give some time and care and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You don't need to be ashamed about lashing out at your skin, because it's just a mistake and in the end you will learn from it and move forward. If we never made mistakes we'd never learn anything and then we really would be at a standstill! 

Equally, you most certainly do not need to be ashamed of going out and "exposing yourself to others". You don't owe it to anyone to look your best all the time; not to random members of the public and certainly not to the people who love you. Do you think it even crossed your boyfriend's mind last night that your skin looked bad? I'm betting it didn't and I bet if you asked him he'd tell you so. I expect he was just really glad to be able to spend some time with you and pleased that you were getting out and having a nice time. Besides which, if your profile picture is anything to go by, you are really beautiful! If I saw someone with that profile picture and I hadn't read any of your posts I would instantly think of you as a pretty, confident and outgoing young woman. It may be hard work for you and you may fall down a few times on the way, but I think you're definitely capable of making that a reality.

I imagine that you're reading motives into your mum brushing off your attempts to talk that aren't really there. I doubt it's that she doesn't care or doesn't have the time. It's much more likely that she simply doesn't know what she needs to do to help you. In fact, the whole thing is probably really painful for her because she can see that you're unhappy but doesn't personally have the power to solve either your dermatological or psychological problems. It must be really horrible for a parent to see their child suffer without being able to do anything about it, but hopefully if you can tell her what you need she'll be happy to give it to you and know that she's helping in some way.

Finally, please don't think that you need to engage in such drastic and dangerous behaviours in order for others to notice your suffering. It's incredibly hard to open up to people about feelings like this that a lot of those around you will not understand, but punishing yourself and your body will not help to solve your problems. It will also do nothing to speed up the healing processes of the acne that's causing these feelings in the first place and is likely to make you feel worse and more out of control in the long run. 

So like I say, take a breather, take some of this pressure and expectation off yourself and tell your loved ones that you need their help and support right now. If you've taken care of them as much as you say then I'm sure they would want to help you in return and there's no shame in admitting that for once it's you that needs their help.


Edited by MoonlitRiver, 16 August 2013 - 03:51 PM.


#31 Rosalie324

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Posted 16 August 2013 - 08:02 PM

Thank you so much for all the kind words. I'm trying really hard to not let my illnesses define me, but when I feel that complete loss of control I can no longer find myself in this mess. It's like I have lost all say in what I want for myself, and my OCD has taken over my body. I was hoping to wake up today and have one of those moments where I say "hey, you don't look too bad", and instead I looked in the mirror and saw the destruction I created last night. Sure, the zits are gone, but now I have the red marks and inevitable scars that I will have to deal with. Frustrating beyond words. I want to be proud of myself for working up the courage to going out with my boyfriend, but the only emotion tied to those events as of now, is shame. i am ashamed of the way I looked yesterday and feel I shouldn't have been allowed to expose myself to others. 

 

I tried to talk to my mum this morning about how rough last night was for me, but she brushed me off. Almost as if she doesn't have time or care enough to acknowledge that I'm struggling. I feel like the only way people will finally understand my pain is when I completely stop fighting. If I stayed in bed for months on end, or if I went back to self harming, or if I stopped eating. Otherwise, this whole obsession with my face is only perceived as me being superficial. Therefore I find it very difficult to voice how I am truly feeling, and instead suffer in silence. I am the caretaker, that is my role. When I stray from that role is when everybody goes off the beaten track, and then I'm to blame. It's a horrible face of my life that I wish I could change. I know logically that it's not my responsibility to make sure everyone else if okay, but it's something I've always done. People have become accustomed to that and now I kind of screwed myself. I can't take care of everyone else and have the time or energy to take care of myself. 

 

I feel like I'm slowly being suffocated and one day I won't be able to breathe anymore. I won't give up, but I don't know if I can fight as hard as I have been. I guess that means I'm at a standstill. How depressing...


You're not at a standstill, I think you just need to take a step back, take a breather, and re-evaluate your situation. I know it feels like everything's against you sometimes and you're constantly fighting your emotions, your skin, your medication, your family, etc. but you don't always have to construe your progress in the form of a fight. Yes, sometimes you need to take aggressive steps forward, like saying "right, I'm going to take the plunge and try this therapy programme" for example. But in between these steps you can take the time to just relax and live a bit without attaching too many expectations to yourself. If you have a bad day, it doesn't matter, it's not going to affect your overall progress, it's just part of the course. Your skin will heal from what you did last night if you give some time and care and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You don't need to be ashamed about lashing out at your skin, because it's just a mistake and in the end you will learn from it and move forward. If we never made mistakes we'd never learn anything and then we really would be at a standstill! 

Equally, you most certainly do not need to be ashamed of going out and "exposing yourself to others". You don't owe it to anyone to look your best all the time; not to random members of the public and certainly not to the people who love you. Do you think it even crossed your boyfriend's mind last night that your skin looked bad? I'm betting it didn't and I bet if you asked him he'd tell you so. I expect he was just really glad to be able to spend some time with you and pleased that you were getting out and having a nice time. Besides which, if your profile picture is anything to go by, you are really beautiful! If I saw someone with that profile picture and I hadn't read any of your posts I would instantly think of you as a pretty, confident and outgoing young woman. It may be hard work for you and you may fall down a few times on the way, but I think you're definitely capable of making that a reality.

I imagine that you're reading motives into your mum brushing off your attempts to talk that aren't really there. I doubt it's that she doesn't care or doesn't have the time. It's much more likely that she simply doesn't know what she needs to do to help you. In fact, the whole thing is probably really painful for her because she can see that you're unhappy but doesn't personally have the power to solve either your dermatological or psychological problems. It must be really horrible for a parent to see their child suffer without being able to do anything about it, but hopefully if you can tell her what you need she'll be happy to give it to you and know that she's helping in some way.

Finally, please don't think that you need to engage in such drastic and dangerous behaviours in order for others to notice your suffering. It's incredibly hard to open up to people about feelings like this that a lot of those around you will not understand, but punishing yourself and your body will not help to solve your problems. It will also do nothing to speed up the healing processes of the acne that's causing these feelings in the first place and is likely to make you feel worse and more out of control in the long run. 

So like I say, take a breather, take some of this pressure and expectation off yourself and tell your loved ones that you need their help and support right now. If you've taken care of them as much as you say then I'm sure they would want to help you in return and there's no shame in admitting that for once it's you that needs their help.

 

I took your advice. I think I actually got through to my dad... Or at least I think he understands what I'm feeling to the best of his extent. I got some comfort out of opening up and actually was able to move past my OCD and talk about a topic other than my skin for a little bit. Which is more difficult than it sounds. I also took some time to think about the past way for me to proceed forward with my life. I think I need to take breaks in between the times that I go out, and the days that i allow myself to rest and stay home. It's amazing the amount of anxiety that is built up in my system. I can be fine one moment and not the next. I can feel fine, but have my anxiety come out in other ways (i.e. blurred vision, numb hands, my hands shake, etc...). I wish my meds were working better to counteract this ridiculous amount of anxiety I am experiencing. Anyways, that's the solution I came up with. That way, I will be able to still be in touch with my friends and maintain somewhat of a social life, but not overdo it, which is what I feel I have been doing. I am trying to be proud of going out. Whether or not I handled myself properly when I came home, I plucked up the courage to step out of my house in the first place. Which is half the battle. 

 

It's funny you say that I look confident. I get that a lot. I refuse to let people see my insecurities because I know that people who do are usually the one's who get preyed upon. If I let my guard down and showed how fragile I really am, I believe that people would take that opportunity to break me down. It's a severely pessimistic outlook on the human race, but I've never seen this theory proven otherwise. My boyfriend was so confused when I told him about what I'm going through. He always said that one of his favorite things about me was my confidence. My only response to that was "I fake it until I make it". Which is 100% true. I fake confidence in the hopes that one day I'll wake up, and won't feel so painfully insecure about myself. I don't have any confidence in myself that I will be able to overcome my illnesses. I won't stop trying, but this relapse has been really detrimental. The emotional toll that I pay everyday is slowing beating me down. 

 

I hope my mum is feeling that way. Honestly, I would love to hear her say that to me. The way she is acting now seems really strange. I don't know if it's because I'm pushing people away as a consequence on my illness, or if she's going through problems of her own. Either way I feel really abandoned by her. You know those moments where you just really need your mother? I've been having those moments for two months and I haven't gotten the response that I need. I know she loves me and that she cares... I guess logical knowing that isn't really cutting it right now. I don't know how to express what I need to and have it get through so that she understands. 

 

I can say I triumph for me tonight, was not turning on the lights while my topicals were drying on my face. I sat and distracted myself, instead of indulging in my impulses. Also, I only picked a tiny bit. I popped the only zit on my face and went to go mess with the little bumps, and I stopped myself. I turned off the lights and walked away. I knew nothing good would come out of attacking my face and making a worse mess. So yea, I'm proud of myself for that small step forward. I hate how the mirrors mock me. Hopefully one day, my appearance won't be so repulsive and I can look past the flaws. 



#32 Rosalie324

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Posted 17 August 2013 - 10:23 PM

Oh my goodness, I need to vent. I am freaking out!! My boyfriend and I hung out tonight... again. I wanted to keep to myself for a day, but I didn't want him to feel shoved off, so I caved. We had a very mellow night, just staying in and watching movies which was great. I felt at ease and he got to see me. BUT I TOTALLY SPLURGED! I went off my healthy diet (which I have kept to for months!) and had pizza and diet coke. Dairy, gluten and caffeine!! I have no idea what came over me. I'm lactose intolerant, so it's not even like I enjoyed the pizza because immediately after I felt horrible. I only had about 6 oz of the soda and then I grabbed a water bottle. What is wrong with me?!?!

 

I am terrified to wake up tomorrow with a breakout from my bad life decisions. I came home and immediately did my face regimen, and am going to take all my vitamins and meds in a little bit. i seriously hope the fact that I've been so strict for so long will counteract this horrible lapse in judgment. When I looked in the mirror tonight, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I had one newish whitehead, but it wasn't new it had just come to a head. Besides that, no new breakouts. I'm just petrified for tomorrow morning. Please oh please oh please may it be okay. I have plans on Monday that I can't break, but it will be horrible if I go looking like an ugly monster.

 

Why did I do this to myself? I feel my anxiety suffocating me... I wish I could kick myself in the head repeatedly! Lord help me.



#33 Kalinka

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Posted 17 August 2013 - 11:22 PM

Isn't that just the worst? I'm sorry I don't have anything more comforting to say other than that I'm feeling the same way. I ate a bunch of junk food today and even though I'm not certain that my acne is caused by a food intolerance, I can't help but hate myself for eating it. I feel like I've developed an eating disorder along with my anxieties about my face. saywhat.gif

 

Once my mum came home with fried chicken and fries and potato salad and all the trimmings of a really unhealthy dinner that we sometimes resort to having when we're too lazy to cook. I actually went to my room and cried because I was so hungry but I was afraid to eat any of it because of a potential breakout. That was terrible.


Edited by syllacrostics, 17 August 2013 - 11:26 PM.


#34 Rosalie324

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Posted 18 August 2013 - 11:13 AM

Isn't that just the worst? I'm sorry I don't have anything more comforting to say other than that I'm feeling the same way. I ate a bunch of junk food today and even though I'm not certain that my acne is caused by a food intolerance, I can't help but hate myself for eating it. I feel like I've developed an eating disorder along with my anxieties about my face. saywhat.gif

 

Once my mum came home with fried chicken and fries and potato salad and all the trimmings of a really unhealthy dinner that we sometimes resort to having when we're too lazy to cook. I actually went to my room and cried because I was so hungry but I was afraid to eat any of it because of a potential breakout. That was terrible.

 

I know the exact feeling. It's horrible to walk around fearing things that "normal" people enjoy in their lives. What's sad is that I do have an eating disorder coincided with my body dysmorphia, so all the obsessing I've been doing in relation to my acne, has caused me to lapse back into my anorexic tendencies. WHich is honestly horrific, I feel like I can't catch a break. On the one hand I want to be happy and healthy, and on the other hand these constant negative thoughts causes me to become self destructive. 

 

I was a little relieved to take up this morning and look in the mirror to see there were no new breakouts. Just two tiny whiteheads on my chin that were developing last night. They are popped and gone now. I currently have no active pimples *knocks on wood*. I guess the strictness in my regimen is paying off somewhat. From now on, I am no longer putting myself through that torture. I am eating a certain way for a reason, and next time in that kind of position, I will have to find an alternative to the unhealthy foods. No exceptions!



#35 Rosalie324

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Posted 20 August 2013 - 09:26 PM

This week hasn't been too bad thus far. I've been able to go out a bit with my boyfriend and try to get out of my "comfort zone". Which honestly is anything besides laying around my house, so I would say I am significantly out that designated zone. It's been a struggle, but I've tried to keep calm and let myself feel my anxiety without judging myself. Yesterday was rather difficult though. I woke up and had a zit on forehead. I haven't had one in weeks, so I was very frustrated, but tried to push the negative thoughts away. It's in my hairline and fairly easy to conceal, so I did my make-up and stopped looking in the mirror. I always check my make-up in natural light before I go out (to see what I'll look like in the sunlight), and when I looked I was disgusted. My boyfriend was already parked outside, so all I had time to do was take my meds and suck it up. The whole time I was out I was focused only on my face. I was literally looking for excuses to cover my face with my hands and even made us sit in his dark basement, so I would have a little relief. Which is so unusual because usually my boy is the ONLY one I feel comfortable around. I feel so ashamed by my behavior...

 

Today, I had another Psych appointment. It went okay, I was pretty drowsy from increasing my Seroquel last night. It always takes me a day or two to get adjusted. I was once again pleasantly surprised to find that he didn't push for me to go on Lithium. Instead, he wants to try a different approach. He seemed concerned about how much time I spend researching about acne, the time I spend on my face regimen (or as he calls them OCD rituals), and he didn't like the fact that I spend hours on this website everyday. All in all, my acne consumes most of my mental and physical energy throughout the day... Logically I know that's not normal. I just think that it's the only way that my face will ever clear up and I'll get the results that I want. Plus, you guys are such a wonderful support system for me because you get it. My psychiatrist, as kind as he may be, has never had BDD or OCD or BPD or anything that I deal with. I can relate to so many people on this forum. Whatever, I don't care what he thinks about that. My regimen however sometimes gets extremely frustrating and annoying to keep up with. No matter how fed up I may be by the fact that I spend hours everyday focusing on and doing things for my skin, I HAVE TO DO IT! First thing when I wake up, I have to do my regimen. When I get home, first thing I do is my regimen. I have to take all my vitamins, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I made my boyfriend drive me home a couple nights ago just to take my supplements, wash my face, and redo my makeup because I knew I wouldn't be home until morning. I'm so lucky to have such a kind and understanding boyfriend because if it was me, I would punch myself in the face. I feel like such an idiot. 

 

Anyways, my psychiatrist prescribed my Prozac today. Starting at 10mg and moving up 10mg every week. So far, this is the only medication that has been prescribed that has given me hope. I usually don't respond well to SSRI's, but I am willing to try because of the overwhelming amount of research that supports them for OCD. I read that it can reduce OCD thoughts and behaviors up to 80%. I can't imagine anything more fantastic than that, besides clear skin of course. I just want my life back. I was a carefree, vivacious, outgoing, busy, spontaneous, happy eighteen year old girl 5 months ago. Where did it all go? Why can't anything good last for me? I always have to be suffering. I'm sorry, I know I sound completely self-indulgent. I just need a break...



#36 goodz19

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Posted 21 August 2013 - 06:10 AM

This week hasn't been too bad thus far. I've been able to go out a bit with my boyfriend and try to get out of my "comfort zone". Which honestly is anything besides laying around my house, so I would say I am significantly out that designated zone. It's been a struggle, but I've tried to keep calm and let myself feel my anxiety without judging myself. Yesterday was rather difficult though. I woke up and had a zit on forehead. I haven't had one in weeks, so I was very frustrated, but tried to push the negative thoughts away. It's in my hairline and fairly easy to conceal, so I did my make-up and stopped looking in the mirror. I always check my make-up in natural light before I go out (to see what I'll look like in the sunlight), and when I looked I was disgusted. My boyfriend was already parked outside, so all I had time to do was take my meds and suck it up. The whole time I was out I was focused only on my face. I was literally looking for excuses to cover my face with my hands and even made us sit in his dark basement, so I would have a little relief. Which is so unusual because usually my boy is the ONLY one I feel comfortable around. I feel so ashamed by my behavior...

 

Today, I had another Psych appointment. It went okay, I was pretty drowsy from increasing my Seroquel last night. It always takes me a day or two to get adjusted. I was once again pleasantly surprised to find that he didn't push for me to go on Lithium. Instead, he wants to try a different approach. He seemed concerned about how much time I spend researching about acne, the time I spend on my face regimen (or as he calls them OCD rituals), and he didn't like the fact that I spend hours on this website everyday. All in all, my acne consumes most of my mental and physical energy throughout the day... Logically I know that's not normal. I just think that it's the only way that my face will ever clear up and I'll get the results that I want. Plus, you guys are such a wonderful support system for me because you get it. My psychiatrist, as kind as he may be, has never had BDD or OCD or BPD or anything that I deal with. I can relate to so many people on this forum. Whatever, I don't care what he thinks about that. My regimen however sometimes gets extremely frustrating and annoying to keep up with. No matter how fed up I may be by the fact that I spend hours everyday focusing on and doing things for my skin, I HAVE TO DO IT! First thing when I wake up, I have to do my regimen. When I get home, first thing I do is my regimen. I have to take all my vitamins, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I made my boyfriend drive me home a couple nights ago just to take my supplements, wash my face, and redo my makeup because I knew I wouldn't be home until morning. I'm so lucky to have such a kind and understanding boyfriend because if it was me, I would punch myself in the face. I feel like such an idiot. 

 

Anyways, my psychiatrist prescribed my Prozac today. Starting at 10mg and moving up 10mg every week. So far, this is the only medication that has been prescribed that has given me hope. I usually don't respond well to SSRI's, but I am willing to try because of the overwhelming amount of research that supports them for OCD. I read that it can reduce OCD thoughts and behaviors up to 80%. I can't imagine anything more fantastic than that, besides clear skin of course. I just want my life back. I was a carefree, vivacious, outgoing, busy, spontaneous, happy eighteen year old girl 5 months ago. Where did it all go? Why can't anything good last for me? I always have to be suffering. I'm sorry, I know I sound completely self-indulgent. I just need a break...

I wish you luck w/ your new meds.  I hope they work for you.  Not to be a downer, but I didnt have much success w/ Prozac for my OCD behaviors.  In fact, none of the meds Ive been had any sort of effect except to help me sleep.  But, like anything else, what works for one may or may not work for another. 

 

And I know exactly what you mean about acting the way you do around your boyfriend.  Im married and there are some days when I just dont want my wife to even look in my direction.  Its ridiculous really, but thats what this shit does to people. 



#37 biggs881

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Posted 21 August 2013 - 06:42 AM

Good luck with Prozac Rosalie. Are you taking 10mg capsules? Or are you cutting a 20mg tablet in half?

 

You may experience initial nausea with Prozac, but taking it with food can reduce this and it should subside with time.



#38 elliew8

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Posted 21 August 2013 - 07:47 AM

Hey, just read this thread from the beginning and it seems like we are going through similar situations, and I wouldn't wish this upon even my worst enemy but it is nice to know someone understands. I feel like I know exactly how you feel, I've had those moments spending ages covering up your skin and glimpsing yourself in the mirror just before you go out and feeling completely consumed by it the whole time you're out.

 

I've wasted so many hours of my life picking at my skin, willing all of the imperfections to just get out of my skin because I'm fed up waiting for my body to deal with them. Then waking up the next morning (I always pick at night too) and feeling such deep shame that I go about my daily life like a zombie counting the sleeps until I won't have to look at the self-inflicted damage I've done.

 

I've spoken to my mum, dad and boyfriend many times about how I feel and at first they listen to what you're going through and offer advice but after a while they feel just as hopeless as we do because they don't know how to help and they will never truly understand. It's not that they love us any less, but they just don't know what to do and feel frustrated - for me my boyfriend finds it hard to be sympathetic when I pick my skin because he thinks I just need to stop and can't comprehend the overwhelming compulsion or the anxiety that I get if I do try and stop myself.

 

As depressing and miserable as that makes me sound, I know I have these issues and but they are an internal battle that I'll constantly be fighting against. I have fought so hard to keep the people I love in my life and not alienate myself socially so that I do have quality of life. The hardest thing for me is that I sometimes feel like I don't deserve happiness because I'm always self-sabotaging it. Frankly, I don't have the guts to go on meds or have therapy and I feel like my self-absorbed 'poor me' attitude makes me feel even more guilty. At least you are doing something about your issues and you're taking the steps to overcome the self-destructive behaviour...I'm relying on sheer stubborness to get through it!

 

I do agree with your psych saying that it is unhealthy to spend so much time researching acne and participating on this forum if you have an obsessive compulsive disorder. I think it's counterproductive spending hours every day consumed by acne when you're trying to look past it. However, personally I think that getting a boost or venting to other people who understand is so helpful, maybe just limit the amount of time if that's the doc's recommendation?

 

Also, at a high risk of sounding very hypocritical here, you have to practise what you preach - you is smart, you is kind, you is important...so try and remember that in those low moments when you feel like giving up, we are all going to make mistakes at some point - it's pretty inevitable, but the way we react to these mistakes is completely in our control: we can sink into a pit of depression and shut the world out for days...or we can remember that we are only human :)



#39 13yearsofAcne

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Posted 21 August 2013 - 09:09 AM

I'm just going to say, rightly or wrongly, the best treatment for skin picking, skin ocd, skin anxiety, skin depression and acneiform eruptions of any kind is Accutane.

 

Accutane will fix all of the above.

 

It makes me sad that psychologists prey on acne sufferers insecurities and make them out to be deluded.



#40 Rosalie324

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Posted 21 August 2013 - 12:06 PM

Thank you guys all so much for responding! You don't know how much it means to me..

 

 

 

Good luck with Prozac Rosalie. Are you taking 10mg capsules? Or are you cutting a 20mg tablet in half?

 

You may experience initial nausea with Prozac, but taking it with food can reduce this and it should subside with time.

 

I am taking 10mg pills... I've been on Prozac before at a high dose (90mg), but I was taking it for depression when my OCD wasn't so flared up. I took it this morning and so far no nausea or stomach problems.  My head is slightly hurting though, but it's more annoying than painful. I think that's a side effect of Prozac.

 

 

 

Hey, just read this thread from the beginning and it seems like we are going through similar situations, and I wouldn't wish this upon even my worst enemy but it is nice to know someone understands. I feel like I know exactly how you feel, I've had those moments spending ages covering up your skin and glimpsing yourself in the mirror just before you go out and feeling completely consumed by it the whole time you're out.

 

I've wasted so many hours of my life picking at my skin, willing all of the imperfections to just get out of my skin because I'm fed up waiting for my body to deal with them. Then waking up the next morning (I always pick at night too) and feeling such deep shame that I go about my daily life like a zombie counting the sleeps until I won't have to look at the self-inflicted damage I've done.

 

I've spoken to my mum, dad and boyfriend many times about how I feel and at first they listen to what you're going through and offer advice but after a while they feel just as hopeless as we do because they don't know how to help and they will never truly understand. It's not that they love us any less, but they just don't know what to do and feel frustrated - for me my boyfriend finds it hard to be sympathetic when I pick my skin because he thinks I just need to stop and can't comprehend the overwhelming compulsion or the anxiety that I get if I do try and stop myself.

 

As depressing and miserable as that makes me sound, I know I have these issues and but they are an internal battle that I'll constantly be fighting against. I have fought so hard to keep the people I love in my life and not alienate myself socially so that I do have quality of life. The hardest thing for me is that I sometimes f

 

eel like I don't deserve happiness because I'm always self-sabotaging it. Frankly, I don't have the guts to go on meds or have therapy and I feel like my self-absorbed 'poor me' attitude makes me feel even more guilty. At least you are doing something about your issues and you're taking the steps to overcome the self-destructive behaviour...I'm relying on sheer stubborness to get through it!

 

I do agree with your psych saying that it is unhealthy to spend so much time researching acne and participating on this forum if you have an obsessive compulsive disorder. I think it's counterproductive spending hours every day consumed by acne when you're trying to look past it. However, personally I think that getting a boost or venting to other people who understand is so helpful, maybe just limit the amount of time if that's the doc's recommendation?

 

Also, at a high risk of sounding very hypocritical here, you have to practise what you preach - you is smart, you is kind, you is important...so try and remember that in those low moments when you feel like giving up, we are all going to make mistakes at some point - it's pretty inevitable, but the way we react to these mistakes is completely in our control: we can sink into a pit of depression and shut the world out for days...or we can remember that we are only human smile.png

 

I think it's extremely brave that you have fought so hard to keep your life as normal as possible despite the tremendous battle that you fight everyday. I definitely do not posses that quality, I honestly always take the easy way out and hide. I understand feeling like I don't deserve happiness. i constantly feel guilty about the money that is spent on my psychiatric care as well as going to doctors for acne and estheticians, etc. I also understand self-sabotaging. I remember distinctly one time I was in the car with my mom and we were driving around just having a good time, I wasn't thinking too much about my skin or self appearance, and as soon as aI started to feel "too good", I looked in the rearview mirror and felt disgusted with myself. I have no idea what came over me, but I felt the need to remind myself why I didn't deserve to have a good time, or be happy. 

 

I wish people could understand the that the compulsion to pick our skin and feel our face or mirror check isn't choice! I would give anything to be able to to stop feeling the bumps on my face and making myself feel like sh*t. I feel like my life has no sense of normalcy because of my OCD/BDD and not only am I driving myself crazy, but the people around me are at a loss of how to help. That's why they're putting the "responsibility" a.k.a ME into a doctor's hands. I kind of wish I would allow myself to go to therapy. I just don't want to need it, if that makes any sense... I think it's great that you're managing yourself by using "sheer stubbornness", but there is no shame is asking for/getting help. Especially if you're at the point where you think that you're going to have to fight this battle for the rest of your life. Because I know for me, the condition that I'm in, certainly isn't a functional lifestyle.

 

I know it's kind of ridiculous how much time I spend researching and on the forums. I don't know, it gives me so much comfort to give into these behaviors. I feel like they're harmless besides being immensely time consuming. Which I suppose is a problem. There will come a time where I won't be able to spend hours on end giving into every urge, so I need a plan. Maybe slowly tapering myself off the internet. Spending a little less time everyday/week, until I'm at a reasonable amount for a normal person. I'll talk to my psych about it and see what he thinks. 

 

I know. I seem to give out a lot of advice and not use it for myself. I'm extremely hypocritical, but I honestly believe that everything I saw applies to others, but no myself. I'm trying to keep myself from sinking into that pit. I may fall down a lot, but I won't allow myself to stay down. I have to accept that progress is more important than perfection right now. 

 

 

 

I'm just going to say, rightly or wrongly, the best treatment for skin picking, skin ocd, skin anxiety, skin depression and acneiform eruptions of any kind is Accutane.

 

Accutane will fix all of the above.

 

It makes me sad that psychologists prey on acne sufferers insecurities and make them out to be deluded.

 

How does Accutane fix psychological problems? From what I've read, it can actually make you significantly more depressed. I don't think that my doctors make me out to be deluded, they just aren't seeing what I'm seeing. That's part of having BDD. Either way, I'm not a candidate for Accutana. My acne is mild/mild-moderate at worst. 






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