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Rosalie324

Bdd, Acne, And Meds...help

49 posts in this topic

I'm so sad. I went out tonight with my boyfriend, despite hating my appearance for hours before leaving the house. I kept catching glimpses in the side mirror of myself and scrutinizing on the white head on my chin that I had bravely not picked at. The night carried on, being with my boyfriend is always comforting so, I started to relax a bit. Then nighttime came and we were in the dark, so I relaxed even more. When it came time for me to come home I started getting anxious and the anxiety built the moment I stepped foot into my house.

I ran upstairs to do my face care regimen (in the dark like always) and impulsively I turned on the lights. I think I looked so disgusting, I couldn't even stand it. So I started picking and picking and picking. I picked at the tiny bumps on my forehead that I've been resisting to pick for months. I picked at the white head that was taunting me. I picked at every little imperfection on my face. Now I'm all red, swollen, ashamed, and miserable. I took Advil for inflammation and my meds to maybe help my anxiety, but an hour later, I still feel like sh*t.

I'm trying my best not to indulge in feeling my face because I know everything I popped is swollen, and every flaw is exasperated by the amount I attacked my poor skin. I don't know if I overdid it or something by going out two nights in a row, but I seriously feel back at square one. I have lost all control over my OCD behaviors... I am so discouraged. I am also discouraged by the appearance of my skin. Why is it that I can wake up in the morning and say to myself "it;s not that bad" and at nighttime my skin always looks so irritated with me?? Like things magically got 10000x worse in the daytime. If this is how it's going to continue, I want to always be sleeping, so my skin cannot worsen.

I'm too tired and frustrated to cry right now. I'm more angry than anything. Angry at myself for picking at my skin. Angry at my dermatologist for giving me a treatment that's not working like she promised. Angry at my medications because they're not kicking in fast enough. I'm just so freaking angry and frustrated and sad. I feel so done with all of this. I'm tired of being the optimistic one. I'm always the caretaker. Through all my illness, I have ALWAYS been the one that makes everyone else feel better... Why can't anyone see how much I'm in pain? I don't know what to do with myself anytime. Two months it's been since I embarked on my journey for clear skin. I might as well be back at Day 1 because that's the condition my skin is STILL IN!!! I don't care who says two months isn't a long time. Try walking in my shoes for two months and see how long one day lasts... how one week feels like months,,, how one month felt like a century... and how these past two months have been the most difficult of my life.

I am so devastated. My acne and my illnesses are going to defeat me. I don't want to fight back anymore. Just like Rosalie was the Bi-Polar Anorexic, Rosalie is going to be the Dysmorphic Obsessive Compulsive hermit. I'm 18 and I feel like my life is over. Where is the light in all of this? Why can't I get a break?


AM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

PM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

Spot Treat with Clearisil Adult Acne Tinted Spot Treatment (always)

I now do not follow a vitamin regimen and have expanded my eating to include almost all food groups (excluding lactose/dairy). Since I made this change my face has CLEARED UP!

Minimalism people, trust me it works. Develop a skin care regimen, stick to it, and you will see results. All the rest (diet, exercise, supplements) didn't work for me. Less is more.

Status: 98% Clear... Plus a nice bunch of superficial scarring -.-


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I'm so sad. I went out tonight with my boyfriend, despite hating my appearance for hours before leaving the house. I kept catching glimpses in the side mirror of myself and scrutinizing on the white head on my chin that I had bravely not picked at. The night carried on, being with my boyfriend is always comforting so, I started to relax a bit. Then nighttime came and we were in the dark, so I relaxed even more. When it came time for me to come home I started getting anxious and the anxiety built the moment I stepped foot into my house.

I ran upstairs to do my face care regimen (in the dark like always) and impulsively I turned on the lights. I think I looked so disgusting, I couldn't even stand it. So I started picking and picking and picking. I picked at the tiny bumps on my forehead that I've been resisting to pick for months. I picked at the white head that was taunting me. I picked at every little imperfection on my face. Now I'm all red, swollen, ashamed, and miserable. I took Advil for inflammation and my meds to maybe help my anxiety, but an hour later, I still feel like sh*t.

I'm trying my best not to indulge in feeling my face because I know everything I popped is swollen, and every flaw is exasperated by the amount I attacked my poor skin. I don't know if I overdid it or something by going out two nights in a row, but I seriously feel back at square one. I have lost all control over my OCD behaviors... I am so discouraged. I am also discouraged by the appearance of my skin. Why is it that I can wake up in the morning and say to myself "it;s not that bad" and at nighttime my skin always looks so irritated with me?? Like things magically got 10000x worse in the daytime. If this is how it's going to continue, I want to always be sleeping, so my skin cannot worsen.

I'm too tired and frustrated to cry right now. I'm more angry than anything. Angry at myself for picking at my skin. Angry at my dermatologist for giving me a treatment that's not working like she promised. Angry at my medications because they're not kicking in fast enough. I'm just so freaking angry and frustrated and sad. I feel so done with all of this. I'm tired of being the optimistic one. I'm always the caretaker. Through all my illness, I have ALWAYS been the one that makes everyone else feel better... Why can't anyone see how much I'm in pain? I don't know what to do with myself anytime. Two months it's been since I embarked on my journey for clear skin. I might as well be back at Day 1 because that's the condition my skin is STILL IN!!! I don't care who says two months isn't a long time. Try walking in my shoes for two months and see how long one day lasts... how one week feels like months,,, how one month felt like a century... and how these past two months have been the most difficult of my life.

I am so devastated. My acne and my illnesses are going to defeat me. I don't want to fight back anymore. Just like Rosalie was the Bi-Polar Anorexic, Rosalie is going to be the Dysmorphic Obsessive Compulsive hermit. I'm 18 and I feel like my life is over. Where is the light in all of this? Why can't I get a break?

Hi Rosalie,

I've been following this thread for a little while but haven't commented yet as I don't have a lot of knowledge of the particular things you were seeking advice on. However, I can relate very easily to this last post and I'm so sorry to hear you had such a rubbish day. I often get the urge to just pick at my face when I think it's looking particularly bad even though I know it's probably the worst thing I could do. But honestly, just because you gave into that urge this one time does not mean you are back to square one! Recovering from any psychological problem, as I'm sure you well know, is a long and difficult process and you're bound to mess up occasionally and take the odd backwards step. That doesn't mean you're not still progressing forward overall, it just means you need a bit more time that's all. Looking at it from another angle, the fact that you were brave enough to go out two nights in a row in the first place suggests to me that you are definitely making progress. You don't have to beat yourself up just because you may make a few mistakes on the way, you are human after all!

In terms of thinking your skin looks worse at night, I always get that feeling too. I think it's mostly because artificial lighting is even less flattering to blemished skin than natural light so to me my skin always looks a lot redder and angrier after dark. It doesn't mean that your skin's actually getting worse during the day and it certainly doesn't mean you need to sleep all the time in order for it to get better (although I know it sometimes feels like you just want to fall asleep and stay asleep until your skin's better and this has all gone away). But in reality I think this phenomenon is no more than the different light settings we were talking about on the other thread.

I can also really relate to you being fed up of being the "caretaker" because I feel like that all the time as well. I help to solve all my friends' problems but most of the time they never notice that I'm in complete inner turmoil myself. I suppose another way of looking at it is that your friends and family think you're handling your situation so well that they don't realise that you need some extra help and support at the moment. I'm sure if you could bring yourself to talk to them a bit about how you're feeling they would be more than happy to offer you this support. Sometimes we kind of expect the people around us to be mindreaders and guess what's going on inside our heads but the truth is that they're not and sometimes they just need you to be straight with them and tell them how you're feeling in order to know you need their help. I know what you mean about treatments taking a frustratingly long time. I'm also so desperate for my skin treatments to work and feel like the past month and a half has been an absolute age yet my skin still looks horrible to me. But in reality I'm sure that your skin, like mine, has actually dramatically improved since you started this treatment two months ago. I know it sometimes feels like a treatment is doing nothing, but they do all take time and I'm sure your dermatologist and your psychiatrist have probably prescribed to you what they think will help you best in the long run. You just have to trust that they know what they're doing and that things will get better.

Lastly, your acne and your illnesses will not defeat you. You've fought through so much already and I'm sure you're very capable of seeing this treatment through and progressing towards the fulfilling life that you deserve. You were never "Rosalie the Bi-Polar Anorexic" and you will never be "Rosalie the Dysmorphic Obsessive Compulsive Hermit". You are Rosalie, that is all. Your illnesses are a part of you but they will never define you, they're just labels for some particular difficulties that you are going through at the moment. They are temporary and you can overcome them. You just need a bit more time, some loving support from friends and family, and the faith in yourself to know that you can succeed and come out of this a better and stronger person in the end.

I really wish you all the best Rosalie and don't ever give up! If you do you might miss something really bright that's waiting for you just around the corner. smile.png

2 people like this

Current Treatment and Products

Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser
Garnier Oil Free BB Cream
Epiduo
Zineryt
Cetaphil Moisturising Lotion
Eliminated Dairy from my Diet
160mg Saw Palmetto morning and night

Acne status: Breaking out since coming off Dianette and it's really getting me down. :(
My Log:
 http://www.acne.org/messageboard/topic/362701-trying-to-sort-my-hormones-out-the-natural-way/


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I'm so sad. I went out tonight with my boyfriend, despite hating my appearance for hours before leaving the house. I kept catching glimpses in the side mirror of myself and scrutinizing on the white head on my chin that I had bravely not picked at. The night carried on, being with my boyfriend is always comforting so, I started to relax a bit. Then nighttime came and we were in the dark, so I relaxed even more. When it came time for me to come home I started getting anxious and the anxiety built the moment I stepped foot into my house.

I ran upstairs to do my face care regimen (in the dark like always) and impulsively I turned on the lights. I think I looked so disgusting, I couldn't even stand it. So I started picking and picking and picking. I picked at the tiny bumps on my forehead that I've been resisting to pick for months. I picked at the white head that was taunting me. I picked at every little imperfection on my face. Now I'm all red, swollen, ashamed, and miserable. I took Advil for inflammation and my meds to maybe help my anxiety, but an hour later, I still feel like sh*t.

I'm trying my best not to indulge in feeling my face because I know everything I popped is swollen, and every flaw is exasperated by the amount I attacked my poor skin. I don't know if I overdid it or something by going out two nights in a row, but I seriously feel back at square one. I have lost all control over my OCD behaviors... I am so discouraged. I am also discouraged by the appearance of my skin. Why is it that I can wake up in the morning and say to myself "it;s not that bad" and at nighttime my skin always looks so irritated with me?? Like things magically got 10000x worse in the daytime. If this is how it's going to continue, I want to always be sleeping, so my skin cannot worsen.

I'm too tired and frustrated to cry right now. I'm more angry than anything. Angry at myself for picking at my skin. Angry at my dermatologist for giving me a treatment that's not working like she promised. Angry at my medications because they're not kicking in fast enough. I'm just so freaking angry and frustrated and sad. I feel so done with all of this. I'm tired of being the optimistic one. I'm always the caretaker. Through all my illness, I have ALWAYS been the one that makes everyone else feel better... Why can't anyone see how much I'm in pain? I don't know what to do with myself anytime. Two months it's been since I embarked on my journey for clear skin. I might as well be back at Day 1 because that's the condition my skin is STILL IN!!! I don't care who says two months isn't a long time. Try walking in my shoes for two months and see how long one day lasts... how one week feels like months,,, how one month felt like a century... and how these past two months have been the most difficult of my life.

I am so devastated. My acne and my illnesses are going to defeat me. I don't want to fight back anymore. Just like Rosalie was the Bi-Polar Anorexic, Rosalie is going to be the Dysmorphic Obsessive Compulsive hermit. I'm 18 and I feel like my life is over. Where is the light in all of this? Why can't I get a break?

Hi Rosalie,

I've been following this thread for a little while but haven't commented yet as I don't have a lot of knowledge of the particular things you were seeking advice on. However, I can relate very easily to this last post and I'm so sorry to hear you had such a rubbish day. I often get the urge to just pick at my face when I think it's looking particularly bad even though I know it's probably the worst thing I could do. But honestly, just because you gave into that urge this one time does not mean you are back to square one! Recovering from any psychological problem, as I'm sure you well know, is a long and difficult process and you're bound to mess up occasionally and take the odd backwards step. That doesn't mean you're not still progressing forward overall, it just means you need a bit more time that's all. Looking at it from another angle, the fact that you were brave enough to go out two nights in a row in the first place suggests to me that you are definitely making progress. You don't have to beat yourself up just because you may make a few mistakes on the way, you are human after all!

In terms of thinking your skin looks worse at night, I always get that feeling too. I think it's mostly because artificial lighting is even less flattering to blemished skin than natural light so to me my skin always looks a lot redder and angrier after dark. It doesn't mean that your skin's actually getting worse during the day and it certainly doesn't mean you need to sleep all the time in order for it to get better (although I know it sometimes feels like you just want to fall asleep and stay asleep until your skin's better and this has all gone away). But in reality I think this phenomenon is no more than the different light settings we were talking about on the other thread.

I can also really relate to you being fed up of being the "caretaker" because I feel like that all the time as well. I help to solve all my friends' problems but most of the time they never notice that I'm in complete inner turmoil myself. I suppose another way of looking at it is that your friends and family think you're handling your situation so well that they don't realise that you need some extra help and support at the moment. I'm sure if you could bring yourself to talk to them a bit about how you're feeling they would be more than happy to offer you this support. Sometimes we kind of expect the people around us to be mindreaders and guess what's going on inside our heads but the truth is that they're not and sometimes they just need you to be straight with them and tell them how you're feeling in order to know you need their help. I know what you mean about treatments taking a frustratingly long time. I'm also so desperate for my skin treatments to work and feel like the past month and a half has been an absolute age yet my skin still looks horrible to me. But in reality I'm sure that your skin, like mine, has actually dramatically improved since you started this treatment two months ago. I know it sometimes feels like a treatment is doing nothing, but they do all take time and I'm sure your dermatologist and your psychiatrist have probably prescribed to you what they think will help you best in the long run. You just have to trust that they know what they're doing and that things will get better.

Lastly, your acne and your illnesses will not defeat you. You've fought through so much already and I'm sure you're very capable of seeing this treatment through and progressing towards the fulfilling life that you deserve. You were never "Rosalie the Bi-Polar Anorexic" and you will never be "Rosalie the Dysmorphic Obsessive Compulsive Hermit". You are Rosalie, that is all. Your illnesses are a part of you but they will never define you, they're just labels for some particular difficulties that you are going through at the moment. They are temporary and you can overcome them. You just need a bit more time, some loving support from friends and family, and the faith in yourself to know that you can succeed and come out of this a better and stronger person in the end.

I really wish you all the best Rosalie and don't ever give up! If you do you might miss something really bright that's waiting for you just around the corner. smile.png

Thank you so much for all the kind words. I'm trying really hard to not let my illnesses define me, but when I feel that complete loss of control I can no longer find myself in this mess. It's like I have lost all say in what I want for myself, and my OCD has taken over my body. I was hoping to wake up today and have one of those moments where I say "hey, you don't look too bad", and instead I looked in the mirror and saw the destruction I created last night. Sure, the zits are gone, but now I have the red marks and inevitable scars that I will have to deal with. Frustrating beyond words. I want to be proud of myself for working up the courage to going out with my boyfriend, but the only emotion tied to those events as of now, is shame. i am ashamed of the way I looked yesterday and feel I shouldn't have been allowed to expose myself to others.

I tried to talk to my mum this morning about how rough last night was for me, but she brushed me off. Almost as if she doesn't have time or care enough to acknowledge that I'm struggling. I feel like the only way people will finally understand my pain is when I completely stop fighting. If I stayed in bed for months on end, or if I went back to self harming, or if I stopped eating. Otherwise, this whole obsession with my face is only perceived as me being superficial. Therefore I find it very difficult to voice how I am truly feeling, and instead suffer in silence. I am the caretaker, that is my role. When I stray from that role is when everybody goes off the beaten track, and then I'm to blame. It's a horrible face of my life that I wish I could change. I know logically that it's not my responsibility to make sure everyone else if okay, but it's something I've always done. People have become accustomed to that and now I kind of screwed myself. I can't take care of everyone else and have the time or energy to take care of myself.

I feel like I'm slowly being suffocated and one day I won't be able to breathe anymore. I won't give up, but I don't know if I can fight as hard as I have been. I guess that means I'm at a standstill. How depressing...


AM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

PM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

Spot Treat with Clearisil Adult Acne Tinted Spot Treatment (always)

I now do not follow a vitamin regimen and have expanded my eating to include almost all food groups (excluding lactose/dairy). Since I made this change my face has CLEARED UP!

Minimalism people, trust me it works. Develop a skin care regimen, stick to it, and you will see results. All the rest (diet, exercise, supplements) didn't work for me. Less is more.

Status: 98% Clear... Plus a nice bunch of superficial scarring -.-


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I wish there was something that I could say to help, but as another fellow sufferer, nothing seems to come to mind except that I know how you feel. I feel the same way every day. Every day is a chore. I cant just do anything I want because I let the state of my skin dictate my mood. Its pitiful really. Its becoming monotonous and driving me nuts. Literally. I think that Im letting all this take over my mind so much, Im not even the same person that I used to be. I dunno how many more meds, for my face and for my psychological issues, I can take or try out. Ive hit the wall hard and dont know what to do anymore.


Morning: Cetaphil cleanser, apply Sodium sulfacetamide

Evening: Cetaphil cleanser, apply differin, wait 1/2 hr, apply aczone as spot treatment.

Not overally exciting w/ the results

Also Has Seb Derm and been using Oxistat in beard area in the mornings. Same, nothing special about the results


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Thank you so much for all the kind words. I'm trying really hard to not let my illnesses define me, but when I feel that complete loss of control I can no longer find myself in this mess. It's like I have lost all say in what I want for myself, and my OCD has taken over my body. I was hoping to wake up today and have one of those moments where I say "hey, you don't look too bad", and instead I looked in the mirror and saw the destruction I created last night. Sure, the zits are gone, but now I have the red marks and inevitable scars that I will have to deal with. Frustrating beyond words. I want to be proud of myself for working up the courage to going out with my boyfriend, but the only emotion tied to those events as of now, is shame. i am ashamed of the way I looked yesterday and feel I shouldn't have been allowed to expose myself to others.

I tried to talk to my mum this morning about how rough last night was for me, but she brushed me off. Almost as if she doesn't have time or care enough to acknowledge that I'm struggling. I feel like the only way people will finally understand my pain is when I completely stop fighting. If I stayed in bed for months on end, or if I went back to self harming, or if I stopped eating. Otherwise, this whole obsession with my face is only perceived as me being superficial. Therefore I find it very difficult to voice how I am truly feeling, and instead suffer in silence. I am the caretaker, that is my role. When I stray from that role is when everybody goes off the beaten track, and then I'm to blame. It's a horrible face of my life that I wish I could change. I know logically that it's not my responsibility to make sure everyone else if okay, but it's something I've always done. People have become accustomed to that and now I kind of screwed myself. I can't take care of everyone else and have the time or energy to take care of myself.

I feel like I'm slowly being suffocated and one day I won't be able to breathe anymore. I won't give up, but I don't know if I can fight as hard as I have been. I guess that means I'm at a standstill. How depressing...

You're not at a standstill, I think you just need to take a step back, take a breather, and re-evaluate your situation. I know it feels like everything's against you sometimes and you're constantly fighting your emotions, your skin, your medication, your family, etc. but you don't always have to construe your progress in the form of a fight. Yes, sometimes you need to take aggressive steps forward, like saying "right, I'm going to take the plunge and try this therapy programme" for example. But in between these steps you can take the time to just relax and live a bit without attaching too many expectations to yourself. If you have a bad day, it doesn't matter, it's not going to affect your overall progress, it's just part of the course. Your skin will heal from what you did last night if you give some time and care and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You don't need to be ashamed about lashing out at your skin, because it's just a mistake and in the end you will learn from it and move forward. If we never made mistakes we'd never learn anything and then we really would be at a standstill!

Equally, you most certainly do not need to be ashamed of going out and "exposing yourself to others". You don't owe it to anyone to look your best all the time; not to random members of the public and certainly not to the people who love you. Do you think it even crossed your boyfriend's mind last night that your skin looked bad? I'm betting it didn't and I bet if you asked him he'd tell you so. I expect he was just really glad to be able to spend some time with you and pleased that you were getting out and having a nice time. Besides which, if your profile picture is anything to go by, you are really beautiful! If I saw someone with that profile picture and I hadn't read any of your posts I would instantly think of you as a pretty, confident and outgoing young woman. It may be hard work for you and you may fall down a few times on the way, but I think you're definitely capable of making that a reality.

I imagine that you're reading motives into your mum brushing off your attempts to talk that aren't really there. I doubt it's that she doesn't care or doesn't have the time. It's much more likely that she simply doesn't know what she needs to do to help you. In fact, the whole thing is probably really painful for her because she can see that you're unhappy but doesn't personally have the power to solve either your dermatological or psychological problems. It must be really horrible for a parent to see their child suffer without being able to do anything about it, but hopefully if you can tell her what you need she'll be happy to give it to you and know that she's helping in some way.

Finally, please don't think that you need to engage in such drastic and dangerous behaviours in order for others to notice your suffering. It's incredibly hard to open up to people about feelings like this that a lot of those around you will not understand, but punishing yourself and your body will not help to solve your problems. It will also do nothing to speed up the healing processes of the acne that's causing these feelings in the first place and is likely to make you feel worse and more out of control in the long run.

So like I say, take a breather, take some of this pressure and expectation off yourself and tell your loved ones that you need their help and support right now. If you've taken care of them as much as you say then I'm sure they would want to help you in return and there's no shame in admitting that for once it's you that needs their help.


Current Treatment and Products

Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser
Garnier Oil Free BB Cream
Epiduo
Zineryt
Cetaphil Moisturising Lotion
Eliminated Dairy from my Diet
160mg Saw Palmetto morning and night

Acne status: Breaking out since coming off Dianette and it's really getting me down. :(
My Log:
 http://www.acne.org/messageboard/topic/362701-trying-to-sort-my-hormones-out-the-natural-way/


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Thank you so much for all the kind words. I'm trying really hard to not let my illnesses define me, but when I feel that complete loss of control I can no longer find myself in this mess. It's like I have lost all say in what I want for myself, and my OCD has taken over my body. I was hoping to wake up today and have one of those moments where I say "hey, you don't look too bad", and instead I looked in the mirror and saw the destruction I created last night. Sure, the zits are gone, but now I have the red marks and inevitable scars that I will have to deal with. Frustrating beyond words. I want to be proud of myself for working up the courage to going out with my boyfriend, but the only emotion tied to those events as of now, is shame. i am ashamed of the way I looked yesterday and feel I shouldn't have been allowed to expose myself to others.

I tried to talk to my mum this morning about how rough last night was for me, but she brushed me off. Almost as if she doesn't have time or care enough to acknowledge that I'm struggling. I feel like the only way people will finally understand my pain is when I completely stop fighting. If I stayed in bed for months on end, or if I went back to self harming, or if I stopped eating. Otherwise, this whole obsession with my face is only perceived as me being superficial. Therefore I find it very difficult to voice how I am truly feeling, and instead suffer in silence. I am the caretaker, that is my role. When I stray from that role is when everybody goes off the beaten track, and then I'm to blame. It's a horrible face of my life that I wish I could change. I know logically that it's not my responsibility to make sure everyone else if okay, but it's something I've always done. People have become accustomed to that and now I kind of screwed myself. I can't take care of everyone else and have the time or energy to take care of myself.

I feel like I'm slowly being suffocated and one day I won't be able to breathe anymore. I won't give up, but I don't know if I can fight as hard as I have been. I guess that means I'm at a standstill. How depressing...

You're not at a standstill, I think you just need to take a step back, take a breather, and re-evaluate your situation. I know it feels like everything's against you sometimes and you're constantly fighting your emotions, your skin, your medication, your family, etc. but you don't always have to construe your progress in the form of a fight. Yes, sometimes you need to take aggressive steps forward, like saying "right, I'm going to take the plunge and try this therapy programme" for example. But in between these steps you can take the time to just relax and live a bit without attaching too many expectations to yourself. If you have a bad day, it doesn't matter, it's not going to affect your overall progress, it's just part of the course. Your skin will heal from what you did last night if you give some time and care and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You don't need to be ashamed about lashing out at your skin, because it's just a mistake and in the end you will learn from it and move forward. If we never made mistakes we'd never learn anything and then we really would be at a standstill!

Equally, you most certainly do not need to be ashamed of going out and "exposing yourself to others". You don't owe it to anyone to look your best all the time; not to random members of the public and certainly not to the people who love you. Do you think it even crossed your boyfriend's mind last night that your skin looked bad? I'm betting it didn't and I bet if you asked him he'd tell you so. I expect he was just really glad to be able to spend some time with you and pleased that you were getting out and having a nice time. Besides which, if your profile picture is anything to go by, you are really beautiful! If I saw someone with that profile picture and I hadn't read any of your posts I would instantly think of you as a pretty, confident and outgoing young woman. It may be hard work for you and you may fall down a few times on the way, but I think you're definitely capable of making that a reality.

I imagine that you're reading motives into your mum brushing off your attempts to talk that aren't really there. I doubt it's that she doesn't care or doesn't have the time. It's much more likely that she simply doesn't know what she needs to do to help you. In fact, the whole thing is probably really painful for her because she can see that you're unhappy but doesn't personally have the power to solve either your dermatological or psychological problems. It must be really horrible for a parent to see their child suffer without being able to do anything about it, but hopefully if you can tell her what you need she'll be happy to give it to you and know that she's helping in some way.

Finally, please don't think that you need to engage in such drastic and dangerous behaviours in order for others to notice your suffering. It's incredibly hard to open up to people about feelings like this that a lot of those around you will not understand, but punishing yourself and your body will not help to solve your problems. It will also do nothing to speed up the healing processes of the acne that's causing these feelings in the first place and is likely to make you feel worse and more out of control in the long run.

So like I say, take a breather, take some of this pressure and expectation off yourself and tell your loved ones that you need their help and support right now. If you've taken care of them as much as you say then I'm sure they would want to help you in return and there's no shame in admitting that for once it's you that needs their help.

I took your advice. I think I actually got through to my dad... Or at least I think he understands what I'm feeling to the best of his extent. I got some comfort out of opening up and actually was able to move past my OCD and talk about a topic other than my skin for a little bit. Which is more difficult than it sounds. I also took some time to think about the past way for me to proceed forward with my life. I think I need to take breaks in between the times that I go out, and the days that i allow myself to rest and stay home. It's amazing the amount of anxiety that is built up in my system. I can be fine one moment and not the next. I can feel fine, but have my anxiety come out in other ways (i.e. blurred vision, numb hands, my hands shake, etc...). I wish my meds were working better to counteract this ridiculous amount of anxiety I am experiencing. Anyways, that's the solution I came up with. That way, I will be able to still be in touch with my friends and maintain somewhat of a social life, but not overdo it, which is what I feel I have been doing. I am trying to be proud of going out. Whether or not I handled myself properly when I came home, I plucked up the courage to step out of my house in the first place. Which is half the battle.

It's funny you say that I look confident. I get that a lot. I refuse to let people see my insecurities because I know that people who do are usually the one's who get preyed upon. If I let my guard down and showed how fragile I really am, I believe that people would take that opportunity to break me down. It's a severely pessimistic outlook on the human race, but I've never seen this theory proven otherwise. My boyfriend was so confused when I told him about what I'm going through. He always said that one of his favorite things about me was my confidence. My only response to that was "I fake it until I make it". Which is 100% true. I fake confidence in the hopes that one day I'll wake up, and won't feel so painfully insecure about myself. I don't have any confidence in myself that I will be able to overcome my illnesses. I won't stop trying, but this relapse has been really detrimental. The emotional toll that I pay everyday is slowing beating me down.

I hope my mum is feeling that way. Honestly, I would love to hear her say that to me. The way she is acting now seems really strange. I don't know if it's because I'm pushing people away as a consequence on my illness, or if she's going through problems of her own. Either way I feel really abandoned by her. You know those moments where you just really need your mother? I've been having those moments for two months and I haven't gotten the response that I need. I know she loves me and that she cares... I guess logical knowing that isn't really cutting it right now. I don't know how to express what I need to and have it get through so that she understands.

I can say I triumph for me tonight, was not turning on the lights while my topicals were drying on my face. I sat and distracted myself, instead of indulging in my impulses. Also, I only picked a tiny bit. I popped the only zit on my face and went to go mess with the little bumps, and I stopped myself. I turned off the lights and walked away. I knew nothing good would come out of attacking my face and making a worse mess. So yea, I'm proud of myself for that small step forward. I hate how the mirrors mock me. Hopefully one day, my appearance won't be so repulsive and I can look past the flaws.

1 person likes this

AM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

PM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

Spot Treat with Clearisil Adult Acne Tinted Spot Treatment (always)

I now do not follow a vitamin regimen and have expanded my eating to include almost all food groups (excluding lactose/dairy). Since I made this change my face has CLEARED UP!

Minimalism people, trust me it works. Develop a skin care regimen, stick to it, and you will see results. All the rest (diet, exercise, supplements) didn't work for me. Less is more.

Status: 98% Clear... Plus a nice bunch of superficial scarring -.-


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Oh my goodness, I need to vent. I am freaking out!! My boyfriend and I hung out tonight... again. I wanted to keep to myself for a day, but I didn't want him to feel shoved off, so I caved. We had a very mellow night, just staying in and watching movies which was great. I felt at ease and he got to see me. BUT I TOTALLY SPLURGED! I went off my healthy diet (which I have kept to for months!) and had pizza and diet coke. Dairy, gluten and caffeine!! I have no idea what came over me. I'm lactose intolerant, so it's not even like I enjoyed the pizza because immediately after I felt horrible. I only had about 6 oz of the soda and then I grabbed a water bottle. What is wrong with me?!?!

I am terrified to wake up tomorrow with a breakout from my bad life decisions. I came home and immediately did my face regimen, and am going to take all my vitamins and meds in a little bit. i seriously hope the fact that I've been so strict for so long will counteract this horrible lapse in judgment. When I looked in the mirror tonight, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I had one newish whitehead, but it wasn't new it had just come to a head. Besides that, no new breakouts. I'm just petrified for tomorrow morning. Please oh please oh please may it be okay. I have plans on Monday that I can't break, but it will be horrible if I go looking like an ugly monster.

Why did I do this to myself? I feel my anxiety suffocating me... I wish I could kick myself in the head repeatedly! Lord help me.


AM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

PM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

Spot Treat with Clearisil Adult Acne Tinted Spot Treatment (always)

I now do not follow a vitamin regimen and have expanded my eating to include almost all food groups (excluding lactose/dairy). Since I made this change my face has CLEARED UP!

Minimalism people, trust me it works. Develop a skin care regimen, stick to it, and you will see results. All the rest (diet, exercise, supplements) didn't work for me. Less is more.

Status: 98% Clear... Plus a nice bunch of superficial scarring -.-


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Isn't that just the worst? I'm sorry I don't have anything more comforting to say other than that I'm feeling the same way. I ate a bunch of junk food today and even though I'm not certain that my acne is caused by a food intolerance, I can't help but hate myself for eating it. I feel like I've developed an eating disorder along with my anxieties about my face. saywhat.gif

Once my mum came home with fried chicken and fries and potato salad and all the trimmings of a really unhealthy dinner that we sometimes resort to having when we're too lazy to cook. I actually went to my room and cried because I was so hungry but I was afraid to eat any of it because of a potential breakout. That was terrible.


My BCP Diary -


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Isn't that just the worst? I'm sorry I don't have anything more comforting to say other than that I'm feeling the same way. I ate a bunch of junk food today and even though I'm not certain that my acne is caused by a food intolerance, I can't help but hate myself for eating it. I feel like I've developed an eating disorder along with my anxieties about my face. saywhat.gif

Once my mum came home with fried chicken and fries and potato salad and all the trimmings of a really unhealthy dinner that we sometimes resort to having when we're too lazy to cook. I actually went to my room and cried because I was so hungry but I was afraid to eat any of it because of a potential breakout. That was terrible.

I know the exact feeling. It's horrible to walk around fearing things that "normal" people enjoy in their lives. What's sad is that I do have an eating disorder coincided with my body dysmorphia, so all the obsessing I've been doing in relation to my acne, has caused me to lapse back into my anorexic tendencies. WHich is honestly horrific, I feel like I can't catch a break. On the one hand I want to be happy and healthy, and on the other hand these constant negative thoughts causes me to become self destructive.

I was a little relieved to take up this morning and look in the mirror to see there were no new breakouts. Just two tiny whiteheads on my chin that were developing last night. They are popped and gone now. I currently have no active pimples *knocks on wood*. I guess the strictness in my regimen is paying off somewhat. From now on, I am no longer putting myself through that torture. I am eating a certain way for a reason, and next time in that kind of position, I will have to find an alternative to the unhealthy foods. No exceptions!


AM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

PM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

Spot Treat with Clearisil Adult Acne Tinted Spot Treatment (always)

I now do not follow a vitamin regimen and have expanded my eating to include almost all food groups (excluding lactose/dairy). Since I made this change my face has CLEARED UP!

Minimalism people, trust me it works. Develop a skin care regimen, stick to it, and you will see results. All the rest (diet, exercise, supplements) didn't work for me. Less is more.

Status: 98% Clear... Plus a nice bunch of superficial scarring -.-


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This week hasn't been too bad thus far. I've been able to go out a bit with my boyfriend and try to get out of my "comfort zone". Which honestly is anything besides laying around my house, so I would say I am significantly out that designated zone. It's been a struggle, but I've tried to keep calm and let myself feel my anxiety without judging myself. Yesterday was rather difficult though. I woke up and had a zit on forehead. I haven't had one in weeks, so I was very frustrated, but tried to push the negative thoughts away. It's in my hairline and fairly easy to conceal, so I did my make-up and stopped looking in the mirror. I always check my make-up in natural light before I go out (to see what I'll look like in the sunlight), and when I looked I was disgusted. My boyfriend was already parked outside, so all I had time to do was take my meds and suck it up. The whole time I was out I was focused only on my face. I was literally looking for excuses to cover my face with my hands and even made us sit in his dark basement, so I would have a little relief. Which is so unusual because usually my boy is the ONLY one I feel comfortable around. I feel so ashamed by my behavior...

Today, I had another Psych appointment. It went okay, I was pretty drowsy from increasing my Seroquel last night. It always takes me a day or two to get adjusted. I was once again pleasantly surprised to find that he didn't push for me to go on Lithium. Instead, he wants to try a different approach. He seemed concerned about how much time I spend researching about acne, the time I spend on my face regimen (or as he calls them OCD rituals), and he didn't like the fact that I spend hours on this website everyday. All in all, my acne consumes most of my mental and physical energy throughout the day... Logically I know that's not normal. I just think that it's the only way that my face will ever clear up and I'll get the results that I want. Plus, you guys are such a wonderful support system for me because you get it. My psychiatrist, as kind as he may be, has never had BDD or OCD or BPD or anything that I deal with. I can relate to so many people on this forum. Whatever, I don't care what he thinks about that. My regimen however sometimes gets extremely frustrating and annoying to keep up with. No matter how fed up I may be by the fact that I spend hours everyday focusing on and doing things for my skin, I HAVE TO DO IT! First thing when I wake up, I have to do my regimen. When I get home, first thing I do is my regimen. I have to take all my vitamins, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I made my boyfriend drive me home a couple nights ago just to take my supplements, wash my face, and redo my makeup because I knew I wouldn't be home until morning. I'm so lucky to have such a kind and understanding boyfriend because if it was me, I would punch myself in the face. I feel like such an idiot.

Anyways, my psychiatrist prescribed my Prozac today. Starting at 10mg and moving up 10mg every week. So far, this is the only medication that has been prescribed that has given me hope. I usually don't respond well to SSRI's, but I am willing to try because of the overwhelming amount of research that supports them for OCD. I read that it can reduce OCD thoughts and behaviors up to 80%. I can't imagine anything more fantastic than that, besides clear skin of course. I just want my life back. I was a carefree, vivacious, outgoing, busy, spontaneous, happy eighteen year old girl 5 months ago. Where did it all go? Why can't anything good last for me? I always have to be suffering. I'm sorry, I know I sound completely self-indulgent. I just need a break...


AM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

PM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

Spot Treat with Clearisil Adult Acne Tinted Spot Treatment (always)

I now do not follow a vitamin regimen and have expanded my eating to include almost all food groups (excluding lactose/dairy). Since I made this change my face has CLEARED UP!

Minimalism people, trust me it works. Develop a skin care regimen, stick to it, and you will see results. All the rest (diet, exercise, supplements) didn't work for me. Less is more.

Status: 98% Clear... Plus a nice bunch of superficial scarring -.-


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This week hasn't been too bad thus far. I've been able to go out a bit with my boyfriend and try to get out of my "comfort zone". Which honestly is anything besides laying around my house, so I would say I am significantly out that designated zone. It's been a struggle, but I've tried to keep calm and let myself feel my anxiety without judging myself. Yesterday was rather difficult though. I woke up and had a zit on forehead. I haven't had one in weeks, so I was very frustrated, but tried to push the negative thoughts away. It's in my hairline and fairly easy to conceal, so I did my make-up and stopped looking in the mirror. I always check my make-up in natural light before I go out (to see what I'll look like in the sunlight), and when I looked I was disgusted. My boyfriend was already parked outside, so all I had time to do was take my meds and suck it up. The whole time I was out I was focused only on my face. I was literally looking for excuses to cover my face with my hands and even made us sit in his dark basement, so I would have a little relief. Which is so unusual because usually my boy is the ONLY one I feel comfortable around. I feel so ashamed by my behavior...

Today, I had another Psych appointment. It went okay, I was pretty drowsy from increasing my Seroquel last night. It always takes me a day or two to get adjusted. I was once again pleasantly surprised to find that he didn't push for me to go on Lithium. Instead, he wants to try a different approach. He seemed concerned about how much time I spend researching about acne, the time I spend on my face regimen (or as he calls them OCD rituals), and he didn't like the fact that I spend hours on this website everyday. All in all, my acne consumes most of my mental and physical energy throughout the day... Logically I know that's not normal. I just think that it's the only way that my face will ever clear up and I'll get the results that I want. Plus, you guys are such a wonderful support system for me because you get it. My psychiatrist, as kind as he may be, has never had BDD or OCD or BPD or anything that I deal with. I can relate to so many people on this forum. Whatever, I don't care what he thinks about that. My regimen however sometimes gets extremely frustrating and annoying to keep up with. No matter how fed up I may be by the fact that I spend hours everyday focusing on and doing things for my skin, I HAVE TO DO IT! First thing when I wake up, I have to do my regimen. When I get home, first thing I do is my regimen. I have to take all my vitamins, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I made my boyfriend drive me home a couple nights ago just to take my supplements, wash my face, and redo my makeup because I knew I wouldn't be home until morning. I'm so lucky to have such a kind and understanding boyfriend because if it was me, I would punch myself in the face. I feel like such an idiot.

Anyways, my psychiatrist prescribed my Prozac today. Starting at 10mg and moving up 10mg every week. So far, this is the only medication that has been prescribed that has given me hope. I usually don't respond well to SSRI's, but I am willing to try because of the overwhelming amount of research that supports them for OCD. I read that it can reduce OCD thoughts and behaviors up to 80%. I can't imagine anything more fantastic than that, besides clear skin of course. I just want my life back. I was a carefree, vivacious, outgoing, busy, spontaneous, happy eighteen year old girl 5 months ago. Where did it all go? Why can't anything good last for me? I always have to be suffering. I'm sorry, I know I sound completely self-indulgent. I just need a break...

I wish you luck w/ your new meds. I hope they work for you. Not to be a downer, but I didnt have much success w/ Prozac for my OCD behaviors. In fact, none of the meds Ive been had any sort of effect except to help me sleep. But, like anything else, what works for one may or may not work for another.

And I know exactly what you mean about acting the way you do around your boyfriend. Im married and there are some days when I just dont want my wife to even look in my direction. Its ridiculous really, but thats what this shit does to people.


Morning: Cetaphil cleanser, apply Sodium sulfacetamide

Evening: Cetaphil cleanser, apply differin, wait 1/2 hr, apply aczone as spot treatment.

Not overally exciting w/ the results

Also Has Seb Derm and been using Oxistat in beard area in the mornings. Same, nothing special about the results


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Good luck with Prozac Rosalie. Are you taking 10mg capsules? Or are you cutting a 20mg tablet in half?

You may experience initial nausea with Prozac, but taking it with food can reduce this and it should subside with time.

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Hey, just read this thread from the beginning and it seems like we are going through similar situations, and I wouldn't wish this upon even my worst enemy but it is nice to know someone understands. I feel like I know exactly how you feel, I've had those moments spending ages covering up your skin and glimpsing yourself in the mirror just before you go out and feeling completely consumed by it the whole time you're out.

I've wasted so many hours of my life picking at my skin, willing all of the imperfections to just get out of my skin because I'm fed up waiting for my body to deal with them. Then waking up the next morning (I always pick at night too) and feeling such deep shame that I go about my daily life like a zombie counting the sleeps until I won't have to look at the self-inflicted damage I've done.

I've spoken to my mum, dad and boyfriend many times about how I feel and at first they listen to what you're going through and offer advice but after a while they feel just as hopeless as we do because they don't know how to help and they will never truly understand. It's not that they love us any less, but they just don't know what to do and feel frustrated - for me my boyfriend finds it hard to be sympathetic when I pick my skin because he thinks I just need to stop and can't comprehend the overwhelming compulsion or the anxiety that I get if I do try and stop myself.

As depressing and miserable as that makes me sound, I know I have these issues and but they are an internal battle that I'll constantly be fighting against. I have fought so hard to keep the people I love in my life and not alienate myself socially so that I do have quality of life. The hardest thing for me is that I sometimes feel like I don't deserve happiness because I'm always self-sabotaging it. Frankly, I don't have the guts to go on meds or have therapy and I feel like my self-absorbed 'poor me' attitude makes me feel even more guilty. At least you are doing something about your issues and you're taking the steps to overcome the self-destructive behaviour...I'm relying on sheer stubborness to get through it!

I do agree with your psych saying that it is unhealthy to spend so much time researching acne and participating on this forum if you have an obsessive compulsive disorder. I think it's counterproductive spending hours every day consumed by acne when you're trying to look past it. However, personally I think that getting a boost or venting to other people who understand is so helpful, maybe just limit the amount of time if that's the doc's recommendation?

Also, at a high risk of sounding very hypocritical here, you have to practise what you preach - you is smart, you is kind, you is important...so try and remember that in those low moments when you feel like giving up, we are all going to make mistakes at some point - it's pretty inevitable, but the way we react to these mistakes is completely in our control: we can sink into a pit of depression and shut the world out for days...or we can remember that we are only human :)

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I'm just going to say, rightly or wrongly, the best treatment for skin picking, skin ocd, skin anxiety, skin depression and acneiform eruptions of any kind is Accutane.

Accutane will fix all of the above.

It makes me sad that psychologists prey on acne sufferers insecurities and make them out to be deluded.

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Thank you guys all so much for responding! You don't know how much it means to me..

Good luck with Prozac Rosalie. Are you taking 10mg capsules? Or are you cutting a 20mg tablet in half?

You may experience initial nausea with Prozac, but taking it with food can reduce this and it should subside with time.


AM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

PM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

Spot Treat with Clearisil Adult Acne Tinted Spot Treatment (always)

I now do not follow a vitamin regimen and have expanded my eating to include almost all food groups (excluding lactose/dairy). Since I made this change my face has CLEARED UP!

Minimalism people, trust me it works. Develop a skin care regimen, stick to it, and you will see results. All the rest (diet, exercise, supplements) didn't work for me. Less is more.

Status: 98% Clear... Plus a nice bunch of superficial scarring -.-


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Just maliciously attacked my face. I want to die. Why am I such a failure? Why can't I just be pretty?


AM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

PM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

Spot Treat with Clearisil Adult Acne Tinted Spot Treatment (always)

I now do not follow a vitamin regimen and have expanded my eating to include almost all food groups (excluding lactose/dairy). Since I made this change my face has CLEARED UP!

Minimalism people, trust me it works. Develop a skin care regimen, stick to it, and you will see results. All the rest (diet, exercise, supplements) didn't work for me. Less is more.

Status: 98% Clear... Plus a nice bunch of superficial scarring -.-


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Just maliciously attacked my face. I want to die. Why am I such a failure? Why can't I just be pretty?

I do every night, and I know it just makes things worse, seems like I just cant stop. Came home from work yesterday and while I wasnt happy, I wasnt on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Then when I go in the bathroom to do my nightly routine, I go wild on every little bump I see. It sjust compulsive behavior. Cant help myself. I feel horrible after doing so. I am lucky in that I dont go far as to make myself bleed or anything so the redness and swelling I create by prodding and squeezing is gone by morning. Im a mess.


Morning: Cetaphil cleanser, apply Sodium sulfacetamide

Evening: Cetaphil cleanser, apply differin, wait 1/2 hr, apply aczone as spot treatment.

Not overally exciting w/ the results

Also Has Seb Derm and been using Oxistat in beard area in the mornings. Same, nothing special about the results


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It h as been an extremely horrific past couple of days. Panic attack, followed by panic attack, followed by anxiety that never seems to end. I had to go to the hospital yesterday because I was extremely dehydrated and my electrolytes are out of whack. What really is killing me is that I haven't been able to follow my normal regimen. I don't have any of my products with me, everything I take is closely monitored (so my vitamins aren't allowed), and I feel so exposed. I am so insecure about the way I look that I had my mum bring me hats and I'm basically hiding under blankets.

These panic attacks have been the worst of my life. It got so horrible that my limbs went numb, I couldn't feel my stomach, and my body went into survival mode and started seizing. They had to put me on oxygen just to get me to stop hyperventilating. This panic was all stemmed from me waking up yesterday morning and looking in the mirror. I was dizzy and seeing spots, but I continued with my regimen (being as stubborn as I am) and then looked in the mirror and began to panic. This excelled to the point that my parents stuck me in a car and drove me to the hospital because I was barely conscious. I had another one of those attacks today, and I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. My meds don't seem to be doing their job, and my PRN benzos barely make a dent anymore.

I am so out of my comfort zone and even though I'm here to be medically stabilized, all I want to do is go home. To me, it's not as important as taking care of skin and being able to perform my rituals. My OCD thoughts have kicked up to an unbearable level and all the Drs. can do for me is keep my sedated and as calm as possible. Which in all honesty, isn't working. I'm hanging on by a thread at this point. My body image and BDD about my skin are both terrible and I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I can't even look in the mirror and see improvement anymore because I've been maliciously attacking my face every night. I want more than anything to have a shred of help, but that shred has slipped away. I feel like my life is over.

I don't feel ready to accept help. Which seems so selfish when I see the agony that I'm putting my family, boyfriend, and friends through, but I just can't surrender. I'm not ready to give up my rituals. I don't believe that I'm seeing a distorted image of myself. Even though it seems irrational that everyone else is blind to my flaws and I'm the only one who can see them, that is what I believe. I feel crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I always say "When my face is better, everything will be okay". And I hope to God that is true... When will I be ready to accept help? When will this madness end? I can't take much more of this...


AM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

PM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

Spot Treat with Clearisil Adult Acne Tinted Spot Treatment (always)

I now do not follow a vitamin regimen and have expanded my eating to include almost all food groups (excluding lactose/dairy). Since I made this change my face has CLEARED UP!

Minimalism people, trust me it works. Develop a skin care regimen, stick to it, and you will see results. All the rest (diet, exercise, supplements) didn't work for me. Less is more.

Status: 98% Clear... Plus a nice bunch of superficial scarring -.-


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It h as been an extremely horrific past couple of days. Panic attack, followed by panic attack, followed by anxiety that never seems to end. I had to go to the hospital yesterday because I was extremely dehydrated and my electrolytes are out of whack. What really is killing me is that I haven't been able to follow my normal regimen. I don't have any of my products with me, everything I take is closely monitored (so my vitamins aren't allowed), and I feel so exposed. I am so insecure about the way I look that I had my mum bring me hats and I'm basically hiding under blankets.

These panic attacks have been the worst of my life. It got so horrible that my limbs went numb, I couldn't feel my stomach, and my body went into survival mode and started seizing. They had to put me on oxygen just to get me to stop hyperventilating. This panic was all stemmed from me waking up yesterday morning and looking in the mirror. I was dizzy and seeing spots, but I continued with my regimen (being as stubborn as I am) and then looked in the mirror and began to panic. This excelled to the point that my parents stuck me in a car and drove me to the hospital because I was barely conscious. I had another one of those attacks today, and I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. My meds don't seem to be doing their job, and my PRN benzos barely make a dent anymore.

I am so out of my comfort zone and even though I'm here to be medically stabilized, all I want to do is go home. To me, it's not as important as taking care of skin and being able to perform my rituals. My OCD thoughts have kicked up to an unbearable level and all the Drs. can do for me is keep my sedated and as calm as possible. Which in all honesty, isn't working. I'm hanging on by a thread at this point. My body image and BDD about my skin are both terrible and I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I can't even look in the mirror and see improvement anymore because I've been maliciously attacking my face every night. I want more than anything to have a shred of help, but that shred has slipped away. I feel like my life is over.

I don't feel ready to accept help. Which seems so selfish when I see the agony that I'm putting my family, boyfriend, and friends through, but I just can't surrender. I'm not ready to give up my rituals. I don't believe that I'm seeing a distorted image of myself. Even though it seems irrational that everyone else is blind to my flaws and I'm the only one who can see them, that is what I believe. I feel crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I always say "When my face is better, everything will be okay". And I hope to God that is true... When will I be ready to accept help? When will this madness end? I can't take much more of this...

Im really sorry to hear that you've had a rough several days. About a year ago, I was in the same dark place as you, suffering panic attacks and putting myself in a hospital. It is really a horrible position to be in, compulsions and distorted thoughts controlling your mind. I empathize. Ive hit rock bottom before, and while I havent really crawled that much further up from there, please dont lose hope. Somethings got to change, right?

Not to sound disparaging, but maybe being where you are is the best place for you at the moment; you may be able to get more help than you would if you werent.

As Ive mentioned, I been down that road. Feel free to send me a private message if you ever need someone to talk to.


Morning: Cetaphil cleanser, apply Sodium sulfacetamide

Evening: Cetaphil cleanser, apply differin, wait 1/2 hr, apply aczone as spot treatment.

Not overally exciting w/ the results

Also Has Seb Derm and been using Oxistat in beard area in the mornings. Same, nothing special about the results


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Okay so update from the past week and half...

I've only been able to leave my house on three occasions. Every time was with my boyfriend, except for yesterday night I went to see Mortal Instruments with my dad and sister, then i went out with my boyfriend. It's been extremely stressful being housebound because of my skin. My parents have seriously been on top of me with everything and it's starting to drive me nuts. I mean their over speculation has some warrant. I have/continue to lose a lot of weight. They're telling me that I look unhealthy, but I can't manage to put enough food into my body. I'm extremely nauseous all the time, so eating anything is a huge to do. I'm trying my best, but that isn't seeming to cut it and I'm really fed up with my parents at this point.

I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow that I'm dreading. I don't want him to see how much weight I've lost and I don't want my mother barging in there demanding that I be hospitalized. Which is what I fear will happen. Honestly, i don't know what to do. I'm so worried about my face that my mind is constantly ruminating on that subject, so my weight has taken the back burner. I want to feel better, but there's nothing that I can do to make that happen. Maybe I do need some sort of treatment. I have seemingly lost all control of myself. My boyfriend told me yesterday that he can't stand by and watch me disintegrate. He gets angry at himself because he "wants to help me" but can't. It's so the opposite of what should be... he should be mad at me.

There is way too much going on with me right now. i can't even prioritize my problems because they're all taking such an emotional, physical, and mental toll on me. If it's not one worry it's another. if It's not my skin it's me weight. And so on and on and on and on. I'm going to lose it :( Any advice on how to handle tomorrow? I'm at a loss of what to say to my doctor. On the one hand, I want him to be able to help me, but on the other I don't want to let on how much I'm struggling.


AM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

PM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

Spot Treat with Clearisil Adult Acne Tinted Spot Treatment (always)

I now do not follow a vitamin regimen and have expanded my eating to include almost all food groups (excluding lactose/dairy). Since I made this change my face has CLEARED UP!

Minimalism people, trust me it works. Develop a skin care regimen, stick to it, and you will see results. All the rest (diet, exercise, supplements) didn't work for me. Less is more.

Status: 98% Clear... Plus a nice bunch of superficial scarring -.-


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Okay so update from the past week and half...

I've only been able to leave my house on three occasions. Every time was with my boyfriend, except for yesterday night I went to see Mortal Instruments with my dad and sister, then i went out with my boyfriend. It's been extremely stressful being housebound because of my skin. My parents have seriously been on top of me with everything and it's starting to drive me nuts. I mean their over speculation has some warrant. I have/continue to lose a lot of weight. They're telling me that I look unhealthy, but I can't manage to put enough food into my body. I'm extremely nauseous all the time, so eating anything is a huge to do. I'm trying my best, but that isn't seeming to cut it and I'm really fed up with my parents at this point.

I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow that I'm dreading. I don't want him to see how much weight I've lost and I don't want my mother barging in there demanding that I be hospitalized. Which is what I fear will happen. Honestly, i don't know what to do. I'm so worried about my face that my mind is constantly ruminating on that subject, so my weight has taken the back burner. I want to feel better, but there's nothing that I can do to make that happen. Maybe I do need some sort of treatment. I have seemingly lost all control of myself. My boyfriend told me yesterday that he can't stand by and watch me disintegrate. He gets angry at himself because he "wants to help me" but can't. It's so the opposite of what should be... he should be mad at me.

There is way too much going on with me right now. i can't even prioritize my problems because they're all taking such an emotional, physical, and mental toll on me. If it's not one worry it's another. if It's not my skin it's me weight. And so on and on and on and on. I'm going to lose it sad.png Any advice on how to handle tomorrow? I'm at a loss of what to say to my doctor. On the one hand, I want him to be able to help me, but on the other I don't want to let on how much I'm struggling.

Be up front w/ your doctor on everything you are going through. Its important that they know the whole picture to be able to try to properly help you.

I know how hard it is, losing perspective on what is/isnt important, and how to prioritize your feelings. It's a very very bad cycle to get yourself into. Ive been there, maybe still am, I dunno.

You may only be able to get the help you need, and probably desire, if you are completely open and honest with the doctor.

Good luck


Morning: Cetaphil cleanser, apply Sodium sulfacetamide

Evening: Cetaphil cleanser, apply differin, wait 1/2 hr, apply aczone as spot treatment.

Not overally exciting w/ the results

Also Has Seb Derm and been using Oxistat in beard area in the mornings. Same, nothing special about the results


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Hey Rosalie, I'm sorry you are going through so much right now. I think that therapy can help, especially if you are seeing a psychologist that you feel comfortable opening up to. When I had eating disorders and couldn't make myself eat, I was seeing a therapist and I also tried to do things that would make me happy on a daily basis. More than therapy, getting a dog helped me focus on something other than myself. If you stay home a lot and isolate yourself that definitely won't help things. Maybe try to do more fun things with your boyfriend and your family, who accept and love you for who you are.

I also want to mention that vitamin D is helping me with depression and anxiety, so if you have any vitamin/mineral deficiencies that could be a contributing factor to the psychological issues you are facing. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon!

EDIT: you may also want to look into therapeutic enzymes. There is some great research on the effects of enzymes on disorders like autism and OCD, some along similar lines as inositol. Of course, these are not as strong as prescription medication, but they helped many people esp. young children.


Current regimen: garlic supplements [as needed], Enzymedica gluten blocker [as needed], nicadan [not sure if it works yet]. I try to simplify as much as I can. Don't take more supplements than you need....try one at a time and be patient.

The supplements that really helped me when my acne was at its worst: inositol, DIM [not as frequently now!] digestive enzymes [don't need them every day anymore, only on cheat days], herpanacine & vitamin C with rose hips/ low acid [not every day], regular sun exposure for vitamin D3, superoxide dismutase (SOD) enzyme supplements. NOTE: I do not recommend DIM for long term use, and I do not recommend hormonal creams without doctor supervision.

Lifestyle & Skin Care: acupuncture, regular exercise/ yoga, low histamine diet, avoiding unnecessary stress, balancing skin's PH (using Image Ormedics), using distilled/ filtered water to wash face, occasional high frequency facials...

 

Grocery list:

 

** Find the cause, find the cure **

** If you have a question for me, please ask it publicly so that others can benefit from the discussion**

 

 


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Hi everyone...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in there for two weeks. I initially went to my psychiatrist for a regular outpatient appointment, but upon evaluating me he gave me an ultimatum. Either I get a higher level of care or he would give me 30 days and then drop me as a patient. Seeing as I can't afford to NOT have psychiatrist, my mother drove me to an inpatient center near where I live and I was immediately admitted. Turns out I was severely dehydrated and was sent to the ER to get IV fluids, dextrose, and potassium. I was there for about 12 hours and then was taken to the eating disorders program. My vitals are way out of whack. My blood pressure is really low and my pulse really high (i.e. 87/54 and 150bpm). I also had to detox off a Xanax because it turns out I was taking enough to cause a seizure. So that has been a really painful process. I signed myself out of the hospital yesterday because I couldn't stand being there any longer. I do believe I am stable enough to be home though, despite what the doctors may say. I'm hopefully going to be starting a PHP (partial-hospitalization program) this week to help get my weight back up and deal with my OCD/BDD.

It's been really difficult because upon entering the hospital i wasn't given my face medications until 2 days into the program and I broke out on my forehead and the right side of my mouth/chin. I was so self-conscious the whole time I was there, but I overcame my fear and dealt with the discomfort. I am now dealing with the aftermath or that breakout and have a bunch of new scars/red marks from attacking my face. The stress was pretty severe in there, so I'm trying not to judge myself too harshly for popping my pimples. My forehead is almost back to being clear though, only one zit left to subside. I am grateful for that.

I went out today instead of hiding in my house. Which is a HUGE step foward. I am also sticking to my meal plan and writing down everything I eat so that I stay on course. That part is probably the most difficult. I feel ashamed when I allow myself to eat. I'm almost excited to start the program so that my food is out of my hands and other people will be in charge of that sh*t. I can't take the pressure.


AM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

PM Regimen:

Cleanse face with La Roche Posay Effaclar

Apply Aczone

Moisturize with Sheseido Oil-Free Mattifying Moisturizer

Spot Treat with Clearisil Adult Acne Tinted Spot Treatment (always)

I now do not follow a vitamin regimen and have expanded my eating to include almost all food groups (excluding lactose/dairy). Since I made this change my face has CLEARED UP!

Minimalism people, trust me it works. Develop a skin care regimen, stick to it, and you will see results. All the rest (diet, exercise, supplements) didn't work for me. Less is more.

Status: 98% Clear... Plus a nice bunch of superficial scarring -.-


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Hi Rosalie,

So sorry to hear what you've been through. Detoxing from xanax is definitely a step in the right direction, and so is eating more. I've been through eating disorders, depression, anxiety and BDD, and it really takes strength to force yourself to get over the hungups you have about yourself and do the right thing for your health. What helped me recover from anorexia was getting a dog. Therapy didn't do that much, as I was already aware of my issues. By getting a dog, it forced me to focus on someone other than myself and become less obsessed with my flaws. You could try to find more things to do that make you happy and keep you busy (going out is a start!) so that you are not left alone worrying about your issues. It seems that you are now on the right track, so I hope you will feel better soon!

Avoiding mirrors can also help with recovery btw.


Current regimen: garlic supplements [as needed], Enzymedica gluten blocker [as needed], nicadan [not sure if it works yet]. I try to simplify as much as I can. Don't take more supplements than you need....try one at a time and be patient.

The supplements that really helped me when my acne was at its worst: inositol, DIM [not as frequently now!] digestive enzymes [don't need them every day anymore, only on cheat days], herpanacine & vitamin C with rose hips/ low acid [not every day], regular sun exposure for vitamin D3, superoxide dismutase (SOD) enzyme supplements. NOTE: I do not recommend DIM for long term use, and I do not recommend hormonal creams without doctor supervision.

Lifestyle & Skin Care: acupuncture, regular exercise/ yoga, low histamine diet, avoiding unnecessary stress, balancing skin's PH (using Image Ormedics), using distilled/ filtered water to wash face, occasional high frequency facials...

 

Grocery list:

 

** Find the cause, find the cure **

** If you have a question for me, please ask it publicly so that others can benefit from the discussion**

 

 


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