not really sure how to start..
im 20 and suffered acne since i was 13.
right now i finished 4 month of taking accutane and im starting my 5th month.. i think that after that ill stop taking it cuz i cant stand the side effects and i dont want any long term health damage..
before taking the accutane i had acne on my back, chest, shoulders.. and of course the face.
i have used all sorts of stuff like tropicals and creams and antibiotics that didnt really work.
for the 3-2 years before taking the accutane i used the tropical called benzamcyne (i might have spelled it wrong) which was not bad but not that affective, defenetly not in the long run...
so the reason i decided to start taking accutane is that even though my acne on the face wasnt that bad at all kept getting from time to time really deep whiteheads that left scars no matter what, also had acne on places other than my face that i couldnt really take care.. and thought to myself that if i kept like that i will keep getting more and more scars.. and for how long will i use these damn creams that burn me in the sun and prevent me from sleeping? i wanted a real solution.
the one thing i truly regret the most in my life is not taking accutane when i was like 14-15, that might've saved my life.. i didnt take it then because all of what ive heard of the side effects and i was naive to think the acne will go away at some point..but now its to late.
today, i almost regret taking accutane but its too soon for me to know, cuz i still get acne on my face just like before almost as if it really didnt do anything. also like 2-1 month ago i had like alot of white stuff coming out which i wasnt sure if its just dyness or wtf.. but it left alot of scars in my nose and cheeks in addition to what i already had.. and of course theres all these nasty side effects and a risk for a serious health problem.
the only way this is gonna be worth it is if im gonna stop having acne in my face and extremly greasy skin , and then i can take care of the scars.
all the scars that i have grant me really shitty texture to my skin its always sicken me to see the difference between my cheeks and the small area around the eyes which is basicly perfect compared to it..
basiclly my cheecks and nose are fucked up, the forehead and sides are fucked but much less, and the chin is near perfect..
so to be honest im always depressed and thinking of suicide alot. the only thing that is keeping me is that i might rid myself of acne with the accutane and could do something bout the scars after, but if thats not gonna work and i could never get a chance to be happy with myself i might as well just end it.
right now im studying at the university, im on my 2nd year studying physics. i got really good grades ( my average is 95 ) even though im starting to lose interest in it as in everything else.. whats the point in any of this if ill never be happy because my face is fucked up...i can bet i would do even alot better if i didnt have so much shit on me and didnt spend half my time depressed.
i really basicly have no friends. theres poeple i see and talk to, but i defently consider none of them as my friends.
in highschool even though i had nasty acne i still was pretty popular and alot of poeple liked me, but i didnt have any "real friends" since i cant really develop a real connection with anyone when i kept refusing poeple's offer to go to places like partys and stuff untill they all stopped asking me...i never wanted to go anywhere when my face was shit and also not wash it after several hours it will get so extremly greasy and cause more acne.. i always tried to take the best care for my skin and didnt drink alchohol at all.
now i think the worst part of this social crippling of mine are the girls. when my face wasnt so bad around age 15 i actually had some girls into me, but at that time i was kinda stupid and didnt show much of an interest.. so nothing really happened with anyone. i really regret that as it was a great time to start..
now i find myself at 20 years of age, never had any gf and a virgin, and probally none of that in a near future.
whenever people start talking about relationships i always starting to feel bad. whenever anyone ask me about mine i make up some lame shit.
also as u might guess, theres barely any girls studying physics (maybe 5% females where i study) so theres not really much for me to do. all the lack of my experience doesnt help at all either, and its only gonna get worse..
one more thing is there was a time (a few years ago) i was training in the gym thinking that atleast i can get a good body, but guess what? i trained hard for like 2 years and even though i lifted really heavy weights i developed alot less muscle than i thought i would (i mean that on average i lifted like x 2 heavier than people that had more muscle than me, which means i have shitty genes , i did eat good and all) and gotten really nasty strech marks thats gonna stay forever in the hands and waist. this made me quit training forever.
to sum things up, i changed from a naive nice funny caring kid (say before i was 13), to a sad bitter cold empty and depressed flooded with negativity.
heres my view on life: everything is luck.
ur genes determined by luck.
who raises u and how rich are they is determine by luck.
what country ur born into and where u are raised is determined by luck.
so basiclly EVERYTHING thats gonna determine what a person is gonna be is determined by luck.
justice, fairness, equallity=bullshit that doesnt exist in this world.
god? an imaginary friend.
btw im not from the us and my native language isnt english, so u will have to exuse me about any mistakes. or not.