(For the explanation of the topic itself, skip to the button.)
Honestly if no one reads this, it's ok. Too long, didn't read for you? It's ok. I don't blame you. I know, it's really long. I just need to get these emotions out. I wanted to do this many times before, but I didn't, and now here I type.
History of me and my acne (if uninterested, feel free to skip)
I need to pour all of these emotions out somewhere. I'm tired of locking myself up in my room and screaming silently and crying and hating myself. And I wanna see if anyone else feels the same or is going through the same thing.
I never thought that I'd be posting here. A couple months ago, I never even knew that websites like these existed. Why? Let me begin.
I used to have a flawless, clear, acne-free face (except for blackheads, but they were barely noticable). I had acne during the 5th grade, but I was young and didn't care that much, and once in 6th grade I don't recall ever having acne (except for once in a while, and the acne would always disappear in a matter of days, and the worst scarring I got went away completely in a month). All the way until 11th grade, I had a clear skin and people would wonder what I was using on my face. Girls were jealous.
I used Clean n Clear all those years, and it worked wonders.
But then I made the mistake of trying a different acne wash for my face, to try to get rid of my blackheads. Then acne appeared, and I made the mistake of popping one, and it scarred for months. I continued using that different acne wash because it promised to get rid of acne scars, but it just gave me more acne, and the acne scar was still there.
So I went to the dermatologist.
I was an idiot and freaked out when the medication made me break out, even though the dermatologist already told me that it'd get worse before getting better. I stopped the medication after three weeks and went back to Clean n Clear for a week. Didn't work.
Then I switched to another dermatologist, the one that cured my brother of his acne in a matter of one month.
And here I am, with the medication causing tiny red bumps ALL OVER MY CHEEKS, even on the places where it'd been clear. I also have rather big brown-ish acne scars, and some more acne appearing. My right cheek is a lot worse than my left. Left cheek used to be almost clear (only a couple acne) before dermatologist came in. Now my left cheek is all covered. My chin is beginning to get affected, already two places scarred (though they're small but noticable).
It's been five months now of acne destroying my life. On the fifth month, my skin is at its most terrible condition.
How acne affected my life
I'm not over-stating it when I say that it completely changed my life and flipped everything upside down. Before, when I used to have clear skin, I used to whine about the smallest of things, get ticked off easily, let the smallest of problems get to me, but now...when I'm dealing with THIS problem of acne, I feel like those problems are NOTHING. I swear to God, if my acne and scars are gone and my face is clear like before, I will never complain about a single thing ever again. I'd live life to the fullest. All I want is this clear skin. If a genie were to pop out of a lamp and ask me what I wanted for myself, I'd say, without any hesitation and no need to think, "CLEAR SKIN."
Selfish? Probably. But when my face used to be clear, I loved to help people. So much. When someone needed my help, I'd jump in and help them. But now, I'm afraid. I'm embarassed. With this face, I'm afraid of approaching people. I'm trying my best to screw the acne and help people anyway, but I feel that I'd be more helpful if I just got rid of this stupid acne. I hate myself because of this.
If I added up the days that I pretended to be sick from school because I was embarassed of my acne, the days would sum up to at least two weeks.
I skipped two meetings with friends that I was sure would of been the time of my life--if only my acne was gone.
I can't watch tv shows or movies the same way again. I keep comparing my skin to the actor's flawless ones. And to think that I used to feel uncomfortable whenever seeing an actor with one tiny pimple on their face! Now I just feel thankful and tell myself that they're also human.
I can't listen to a love song or story and watch romance stories the same way again, because I feel that I can never experience the same thing if I have this terrible acne.
I look at strangers on the streets and compare their skin to mine, feeling good whenever I see skin that's worse than mine. Hating those with clear skin, even though I know that it was not right for me to feel that way. I feel terrible when I do this but I can't help it. I hate myself for it. I look at classmates more intently now, stare at their skin when they're not looking....
I USED TO NEVER NOTICE PEOPLE'S ACNE THIS MUCH, OR EVER GAVE MUCH THOUGHT TO THEM WHEN MY SKIN WAS CLEAR. So it's true. People who never or barely had acne DO NOT NOTICE OTHER PEOPLE'S ACNE AT ALL, OR BARELY NOTICE. AND IF THEY NOTICE, THEY SHRUG IT OFF AND DON'T THINK ABOUT IT. THEY DON'T MIND IT.
I feel that my dreams are beginning to become pointless. I want to be a film director. I want to be a voice actress. I want to be a novelist. I want to be a comic artist. I actually thought of being an actress one day but no way---not anymore. Not with this face. I want to work for my favorite film directors.
But I feel that I can't. I can't even go anywhere without hating myself. Without hating my face. Without feeling like I'm nothing and feeling ugly compared to other people. And I feel sorry for the people who has to look at my disgusting face. How can I fulfill my dreams with no confidence? I don't want cameras to capture my acne. I used to like getting my picture taken (I wasn't the type of person to take thousands of pictures of themselves tho). Now, for five months, I avoid all cameras unless the picture is taken from a distance or with a low quality camera, where my acne won't be noticed.
Am I depressed? Yes. Am I suicidal because of my acne? Perhaps. Maybe.
I have been suicidal before when my skin was clear, because I had no friends and felt that nobody understood me, but I got over it. I was happy. Now I feel that I will never EVER feel suicidal again if my acne is gone.
Now I feel that if I were to drop dead, to have a building crash onto me and only me, I'd be ok with it.
School days feel so long now. I always can't wait to go home and hide and not have people look at me.
Just as I'm typing this, I'm listening loudly to music with the topic "hating myself". It makes me feel better. I know, I'm so messed up right now.
Now the question
I want to believe that I can live with my acne, but another part tells me the opposite and sends me to tears. HOW DO I BATTLE THIS?
During the 5 months when acne hit me bad, I had good days. I had days when I just forgot about my acne, said to myself "Screw acne, I wanna live my life" and then live my life. Go to school, laugh with friends, do my homework and tests, and have fun, and just enjoy life. When I can't forget about my acne, I keep telling myself "it's ok. It's not actually that bad. I keep blowing it up to proportions. People don't actually mind that much, and maybe they don't even notice it" and I can enjoy life and the blissfullness of it, although that feeling of depression will nag at me once in a while.
Besides from these moments, other things have kept me happy. Music. Art. Movies and TV shows (though it hurts when I see those clear faces). Reading, writing. And comedy videos. But the moments when I can reassure myself that my acne is no prob is what really keeps me strong.
Now. These momenst are ruined when three things happen. The third is the question of this topic.
One: When someone mentions to me how terrible my acne is.
OUCH. It just HURTS. A slap to the face. Geez. My ex-boyfriend went up to me one day and said "Whoa, you have acne now! You look ugly now!"
A friend told me "Oh look, that burger has bumps on it. Pimples. Just like you."
A baby sitter at the school, a dear friend of mine, said, "Ooooh look you've got acne now! What happened?" with a teasing smile on her face.
I THOUGHT GROWN UPS WOULD BE MORE SENSITIVE TOWARDS OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.
A senior at school, "Pimples on your face. You didn't wash your face, huh?"
I WASH MY FACE EVERY DAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
An old friend who I didn't meet in some time. "Why do you have so many pimples now?!" Right on front of so many people.
DO THESE PEOPLE KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS.
And then I'm reminded, oh. So my pimples ARE noticable. And it bothers people. Ugh. I'm trash. I'm crap. Now what?
Note: I don't know the difference with pimples and acne D:
Two: When I'm in a bright room, where no darkness can hide my acne.
It also hurts when I see myself in the mirror while the lighting of the room is good. My acne looks noticable but doesn't look bad in a dark room. Some of the acne looks like it's not even there. But in the light...IT IS TERRIBLE. IT IS DISGUSTING. I HATE IT. Just yesterday, I went to a restaurant where it was very bright and had MIRRORS ON EVERY WALL. I saw myself in the reflection and wanted to hide. My mom was looking at my acne-infested cheeks as she talked to me, and not looking at my eyes. I wanted to cry.
But well. It's not like I spend all of my time in the sun. I should be ok at some dark places. I wanna be happy. I wanna enjoy life.
THREE: When it's myself that tells me that I CAN'T live my life with acne.
I want to hang out with my friends and family. I want to follow my dreams. I want to love living. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be suicidal.
I know two girls at my school who has about the worst case of acne in the school (for the girls, that is), yet they are one of the most popular too. And they look happy, no matter the condition of their skin. (Although one of them would show signs of sadness of her acne, but it's for only a brief moment.) I want to be like them.
Then thoughts would appear in my mind.
"You're ugly with those acne."
"Don't you feel sorry for people who had to look at your disgusting face? They'll have the image in their heads, scarred for life."
"People are embarassed to be seen with you."
"Everyone's skin is clear. Yours is not. You're ugly."
I WANT TO ENJOY LIFE.
But how can I when I'm hurting myself mentally? (and physically, sometimes). This medication from the dermatologist, I'm praying will work. It's gotten worse, but I have hopes that it'll be better. I'm giving it four months. If nothing gets better, then I dunno what I'd do.
But in the meantime, while I wait for the medication to help, how do I tell myself that it's not that bad? How do I live with myself? How do I defeat that part of me that tells myself that I'm ugly and disgusting? I know that even if my acne is gone, there'll still be scars.
But I'm ok with the scars as long as I don't have the terrible face that I have now.
Sigh. Well, I feel better now that I typed up this long shizz of my heart's contents.
How I would actually be thankful to have acne
I...I would actually be thankful to have acne. Because I learned so many things from it. I would complain less about things. I'd smile all the time, because I went through a lot. Things won't bother me like they did before. My health will be better, cuz I drink more and eat more fruits and vegetables. I exercise more now. I'm more thankful of things now. I won't ever be suicidal and won't be depressed as often as before.
I'd actually be thankful to have acne.
But only if I've already gotten rid of the acne and restored my clear face, that is. :')
I know, people have it worse than me. At least I'm not blind. At least I have both arms and legs. But still...Come on. I'm sorry. I really know how terrible I sound but I just can't help it. I can't help feel the way I feel I hate myself for it. So much.
Acne, go away please.
And now...for you all
I pray that everyone with skin not to their liking can find happiness, and have clear skin one day, or whatever they wish for that's positive
Edited by EmbarassedGirl, 17 March 2013 - 12:55 AM.