9 replies to this topic

[EmbarassedGirl]

(For the explanation of the topic itself, skip to the button.)

 

 

Honestly if no one reads this, it's ok. Too long, didn't read for you? It's ok. I don't blame you. I know, it's really long. I just need to get these emotions out. I wanted to do this many times before, but I didn't, and now here I type.

 

History of me and my acne (if uninterested, feel free to skip)

I need to pour all of these emotions out somewhere. I'm tired of locking myself up in my room and screaming silently and crying and hating myself. And I wanna see if anyone else feels the same or is going through the same thing.

 

I never thought that I'd be posting here. A couple months ago, I never even knew that websites like these existed. Why? Let me begin.

 

I used to have a flawless, clear, acne-free face (except for blackheads, but they were barely noticable). I had acne during the 5th grade, but I was young and didn't care that much, and once in 6th grade I don't recall ever having acne (except for once in a while, and the acne would always disappear in a matter of days, and the worst scarring I got went away completely in a month). All the way until 11th grade, I had a clear skin and people would wonder what I was using on my face. Girls were jealous.

 

I used Clean n Clear all those years, and it worked wonders.

 

But then I made the mistake of trying a different acne wash for my face, to try to get rid of my blackheads. Then acne appeared, and I made the mistake of popping one, and it scarred for months. I continued using that different acne wash because it promised to get rid of acne scars, but it just gave me more acne, and the acne scar was still there.

 

So I went to the dermatologist.

 

I was an idiot and freaked out when the medication made me break out, even though the dermatologist already told me that it'd get worse before getting better. I stopped the medication after three weeks and went back to Clean n Clear for a week. Didn't work.

 

Then I switched to another dermatologist, the one that cured my brother of his acne in a matter of one month.

 

And here I am, with the medication causing tiny red bumps ALL OVER MY CHEEKS, even on the places where it'd been clear. I also have rather big brown-ish acne scars, and some more acne appearing. My right cheek is a lot worse than my left. Left cheek used to be almost clear (only a couple acne) before dermatologist came in. Now my left cheek is all covered. My chin is beginning to get affected, already two places scarred (though they're small but noticable).

 

It's been five months now of acne destroying my life. On the fifth month, my skin is at its most terrible condition.

 

 

How acne affected my life

I'm not over-stating it when I say that it completely changed my life and flipped everything upside down. Before, when I used to have clear skin, I used to whine about the smallest of things, get ticked off easily, let the smallest of problems get to me, but now...when I'm dealing with THIS problem of acne, I feel like those problems are NOTHING. I swear to God, if my acne and scars are gone and my face is clear like before, I will never complain about a single thing ever again. I'd live life to the fullest. All I want is this clear skin. If a genie were to pop out of a lamp and ask me what I wanted for myself, I'd say, without any hesitation and no need to think, "CLEAR SKIN."

 

Selfish? Probably. But when my face used to be clear, I loved to help people. So much. When someone needed my  help, I'd jump in and help them. But now, I'm afraid. I'm embarassed. With this face, I'm afraid of approaching people. I'm trying my best to screw the acne and help people anyway, but I feel that I'd be more helpful if I just got rid of this stupid acne. I hate myself because of this.

 

If I added up the days that I pretended to be sick from school because I was embarassed of my acne, the days would sum up to at least two weeks.

 

I skipped two meetings with friends that I was sure would of been the time of my life--if only my acne was gone.

 

I can't watch tv shows or movies the same way again. I keep comparing my skin to the actor's flawless ones.  And to think that I used to feel uncomfortable whenever seeing an actor with one tiny pimple on their face! Now I just feel thankful and tell myself that they're also human.

 

I can't listen to a love song or story and watch romance stories the same way again, because I feel that I can never experience the same thing if I have this terrible acne.

 

I look at strangers on the streets and compare their skin to mine, feeling good whenever I see skin that's worse than mine. Hating those with clear skin, even though I know that it was not right for me to feel that way. I feel terrible when I do this but I can't help it. I hate myself for it.  I look at classmates more intently now, stare at their skin when they're not looking....

 

I USED TO NEVER NOTICE PEOPLE'S ACNE THIS MUCH, OR EVER GAVE MUCH THOUGHT TO THEM WHEN MY SKIN WAS CLEAR. So it's true. People who never or barely had acne DO NOT NOTICE OTHER PEOPLE'S ACNE AT ALL, OR BARELY NOTICE. AND IF THEY NOTICE, THEY SHRUG IT OFF AND DON'T THINK ABOUT IT. THEY DON'T MIND IT.

 

I feel that my dreams are beginning to become pointless. I want to be a film director. I want to be a voice actress. I want to be a novelist. I want to be a comic artist. I actually thought of being an actress one day but no way---not anymore. Not with this face. I want to work for my favorite film directors.

But I feel that I can't. I can't even go anywhere without hating myself. Without hating my face. Without feeling like I'm nothing and feeling ugly compared to other people. And I feel sorry for the people who has to look at my disgusting face. How can I fulfill my dreams with no confidence? I don't want cameras to capture my acne. I used to like getting my picture taken (I wasn't the type of person to take thousands of pictures of themselves tho). Now, for five months, I avoid all cameras unless the picture is taken from a distance or with a low quality camera, where my acne won't be noticed.

 

Am I depressed? Yes. Am I suicidal because of my acne? Perhaps. Maybe.

I have been suicidal before when my skin was clear, because I had no friends and felt that nobody understood me, but I got over it. I was happy. Now I feel that I will never EVER feel suicidal again if my acne is gone.

 

Now I feel that if I were to drop dead, to have a building crash onto me and only me, I'd be ok with it.

 

School days feel so long now. I always can't wait to go home and hide and not have people look at me.

 

Just as I'm typing this, I'm listening loudly to music with the topic "hating myself". It makes me feel better. I know, I'm so messed up right now.

 

 

Now the question

 I want to believe that I can live with my acne, but another part tells me the opposite and sends me to tears. HOW DO I BATTLE THIS?

 

During the 5 months when acne hit me bad, I had good days. I had days when I just forgot about my acne, said to myself "Screw acne, I wanna live my life" and then live my life. Go to school, laugh with friends, do my homework and tests, and have fun, and just enjoy life. When I can't forget about my acne, I keep telling myself "it's ok. It's not actually that bad. I keep blowing it up to proportions. People don't actually mind that much, and maybe they don't even notice it" and I can enjoy life and the blissfullness of it, although that feeling of depression will nag at me once in a while.

 

Besides from these moments, other things have kept me happy. Music. Art. Movies and TV shows (though it hurts when I see those clear faces). Reading, writing. And comedy videos. But the moments when I can reassure myself that my acne is no prob is what really keeps me strong.

 

Now. These momenst are ruined when three things happen. The third is the question of this topic.

 

One: When someone mentions to me how terrible my acne is.

OUCH. It just HURTS. A slap to the face. Geez. My ex-boyfriend went up to me one day and said "Whoa, you have acne now! You look ugly now!"

WHAT THE---SERIOUSLY?

 

A friend told me "Oh look, that burger has bumps on it. Pimples. Just like you."

OUCH---

 

A baby sitter at the school, a dear friend of mine, said, "Ooooh look you've got acne now! What happened?" with a teasing smile on her face.

I THOUGHT GROWN UPS WOULD BE MORE SENSITIVE TOWARDS OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.

 

A senior at school, "Pimples on your face. You didn't wash your face, huh?"

I WASH MY FACE EVERY DAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

 

An old friend who I didn't meet in some time. "Why do you have so many pimples now?!" Right on front of so many people.

 

DO THESE PEOPLE KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS.

 

And then I'm reminded, oh. So my pimples ARE noticable. And it bothers people. Ugh. I'm trash. I'm crap. Now what?

 

Note: I don't know the difference with pimples and acne D:

 

 

Two:  When I'm in a bright room, where no darkness can hide my acne.

 

It also hurts when I see myself in the mirror while the lighting of the room is good. My acne looks noticable but doesn't look bad in a dark room. Some of the acne looks like it's not even there. But in the light...IT IS TERRIBLE. IT IS DISGUSTING. I HATE IT. Just yesterday, I went to a restaurant where it was very bright and had MIRRORS ON EVERY WALL. I saw myself in the reflection and wanted to hide. My mom was looking at my acne-infested cheeks as she talked to me, and not looking at my eyes. I wanted to cry.

 

But well. It's not like I spend all of my time in the sun. I should be ok at some dark places. I wanna be happy. I wanna enjoy life.

 

 

THREE: When it's myself that tells me that I CAN'T live my life with acne.

 

I want to hang out with my friends and family. I want to follow my dreams. I want to love living. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be suicidal.

 

I know two girls at my school who has about the worst case of acne in the school (for the girls, that is), yet they are one of the most popular too. And they look happy, no matter the condition of their skin. (Although one of them would show signs of sadness of her acne, but it's for only a brief moment.) I want to be like them.

 

Then thoughts would appear in my mind.

 

"You're ugly with those acne."

"Don't you feel sorry for people who had to look at your disgusting face? They'll have the image in their heads, scarred for life."

"People are embarassed to be seen with you."

"Everyone's skin is clear. Yours is not. You're ugly."

 

I WANT TO ENJOY LIFE.

 

But how can I when I'm hurting myself mentally? (and physically, sometimes). This medication from the dermatologist, I'm praying will work. It's gotten worse, but I have hopes that it'll be better. I'm giving it four months. If nothing gets better, then I dunno what I'd do.

 

But in the meantime, while I wait for the medication to help, how do I tell myself that it's not that bad? How do I live with myself? How do I defeat that part of me that tells myself that I'm ugly and disgusting? I know that even if my acne is gone, there'll still be scars.

 

But I'm ok with the scars as long as I don't have the terrible face that I have now.

 

 

 

Sigh. Well, I feel better now that I typed up this long shizz of my heart's contents.

 

 

and now....

How I would actually be thankful to have acne

 

I...I would actually be thankful to have acne. Because I learned so many things from it. I would complain less about things. I'd smile all the time, because I went through a lot. Things won't bother me like they did before. My health will be better, cuz I drink more and eat more fruits and vegetables. I exercise more now. I'm more thankful of things now. I won't ever be suicidal and won't be depressed as often as before.

 

 

 

I'd actually be thankful to have acne.

 

But only if I've already gotten rid of the acne and restored my clear face, that is. :')

 

I know, people have it worse than me. At least I'm not blind. At least I have both arms and legs. But still...Come on. I'm sorry. I really know how terrible I sound but I just can't help it. I can't help feel the way I feel I hate myself for it. So much. 

 

Sigh.

 

Acne, go away please.

 

 

 

And now...for you all

 

I pray that everyone with skin not to their liking can find happiness, and  have clear skin one day, or whatever they wish for that's positive

Edited by EmbarassedGirl, 17 March 2013 - 12:55 AM.

[EatsRainbows]

I feel exactly the same. Whilst reading this there were so many things that made me think, wow, this girl could be me.

 

My wish for a genie would be to learn to love mirrors again because at the moment, I do everything in my power to avoid looking in one, or else I know I'll want to burst in to tears. Photographs are another thing that I hate, I haven't had one taken since before I had acne. My friend told me the other day that when I'm older I'll regret not having any pictures of myself as a teenager. Coming from a girl with utterly perfect skin, that hurt. I told her that I never ever want to remember a time when my skin looks like it does now.

 

I think the worst thing is that people are ignorant enough to think that acne is always something that comes from not washing your face or from eating junk food.

I just wish it was that simple.

 

It would seem that we both share a thing about bright lights. Crazy as it sounds, I sometimes wish I was a mole and could live underground where nobody can see me. Yup, acne does make you think some crazy things. Luckily, I live in Britain where it kinda always seems dark and grey. It's the nice, sunny days (that I loved before having acne) that are the worst as it feels like there is a spotlight on my skin.

 

Sorry I can't be more helpful, I just wanted you to know that there are others out there like you.

 

You are not alone.

[dsamson]

Really liked this post. Felt the exact same way at one time in my life.

Not sure how old you are, but seems like you possess alot of wisdom and insight. While I was in high school, I went through a similiar exprience and it wasnt until I came to college that things got back to "normal".

One thing you should remember is you are young. Things will get better. I would tell you not to let these thoughts consume you but know from experience that won't do much.

Never really know what advice to give in situations like these. What I will say is don't hate yourself for feeling the way you do. Your entitled to your feelings. Like I said I felt the same way as you at one point and it is only with hindsight that I know things get better.

Keep your head up, you seem like a wonderful person

[dejaclairevoyant]

I'm the same way with TV. In fact it makes it very difficult to actually concentrate on the show or movie. I'll find myself thinking about the actresses skin for minutes on end and then be like "wait, what'd I miss? What's going on?"

 

I even have this big list of actresses whose skin I admire so much and try to hope I can be like them one day. It's really unhealthy and triggering (Kinda like "thinspo" for an anorexic) but I do it anyway. I just long, so badly, to look like them.

[veiledxbeauty]

Hello fellow embarrassed girl,

I just wanted to let you know that you have been lied to your whole life. Yes, lied to; popular media, health and beauty ad's, people's expectation's, society, etc. Beauty isn't something that can be put on and taken off or diminished with physical flaws, and anyone who tells you differently, including your friends and family, are shallow, misguided people. If acne affects the way they love you, they're not worth a thought.

 

Some of the most beautiful people I've ever known have faces like rock slides. They're not considered physically appealing in any sense, but their beautiful spirit and soft heart for people make them worth noting. If I could, I'd surround myself all day long with people like this. Not a bunch of idolized actors and actresses with "perfect" looking skin, constantly under public scrutiny.

 

You have an opportunity to transform into something really, truly beautiful and it's literally staring you in the face. You can either choose to be humbled by your experience with acne and learn how to love and function without your good looks...or you can fight the change to become merely acceptable in the shallow eyes of those around you. It's a surrendering, really. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but nothing worth having ever is. Hang in there luv.

[EmbarassedGirl]

Oh my God...THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOU COMMENTS. Totally made my day :''')

 

I'm 16 years old right now, gonna be 17 soon. I guess it just hurts so much because I knew that my skin used to be nearly flawless just a couple of months ago. And now it's a mess. And what hurts too much and is too much of a burden for me is when I blame myself: because I admit: sometimes I pop my acne and hate myself afterwards. Sometimes I pick at scabs when they're not ready to come off and they scar (I had a dry bit of skin on my cheek and thought that it was just dry skin, but it was a scab, now there's a big brown mark on my cheek and I'm hating myself so badly :'( Because I picked at a scab months ago and it took over 5 months to go away.) I will never EVER pick at any dry spots on my skin EVER AGAIN. It's taking all my willpower to wait it out and see what happens to this big brown spot (it looks like three brown pimples clumped together). I can't go through another 5 months with a huge, noticable scar! I need to tie my hands behind my back so that I don't cut the brown spot with a knife just so that I have an excuse to cover it with a bandaid .____. (gah, I seem so insane now!!)

 

Again, THANK YOU ALL. Thank you so much. I didn't even think anyone would reply to this.

[EmbarassedGirl]

No worries, I won't cut myself. I've come to accept my acne, I think. I mean, I'm not the only one who has it. There are others who have it worse. I should be thankful for what I have. And I am.

 

 

I pray for those who have it worse. I pray that they can find happiness.

Edited by EmbarassedGirl, 21 March 2013 - 08:19 AM.

[Jazzy17]

Can't really relate I've had acne forever serisously it sucks because the only pictures of me with clear skin are my pre-pubescent days from the ages of 1 to 10 then it all went down hill when i turned 11 acne so much more acne from that age to now I'm 19 going to be 20 soon. Maybe its a good thing that i've lived with acne for my whole life basically because I'm used to it and nobody really cares that much, sure i see them staring but it doesn't bother me since i'm used to it. I only got the mean comments about my acne from the ages of 11 - 14 basically all of middle school after that less mean comments maybe a few here or there but middle school was the worst. I have no idea whats causing my acne but i do know i can live with it because i have been living with it for my entire preteen and teen life going onto adult life sadly. If i was like a normal teen who had clear skin then suddenly acne i would be devastated. I cant even imagine how i would look like with clear skin i do dream about it a lot sometimes but then i end up changing the way i see myself and i become a different person completely probably because i desperately want to be just some normal girl without this messed up image about myself and crippling low self esteem eh i can only dream since there no real cure maybe accutane but thats too risky for me.

[Jigglemyjello]

First of all I am so deeply sorry. I think me and you are actually in the same boat. Last year and over the summer I can't recall having one day where I was embarrassed about my face. Now over the past four months I feel like crying everyday because it is just such a curse. Its not fair. All I can say is I know exactly what your feeling and I know how much pain it can cause. 

[Livvie]

Embarassed Girl,

 

I went through some tough things when I was 16 and found myself thinking some of the same thoughts as you. I posted this some time ago in a different thread (about scars, but it can apply to anyone who feels bad about their appearance) and thought it might bring you comfort.

 

 

 

"I think I might have some of the answers to the questions you are asking. This is for you and others like you all around the world who are going through something similar and have come here to find help.

 

I myself have experienced the same depression from seeing those acne scars and the acute frustration from acne. It makes you not want to look in the mirror or let others see you; it makes you feel inferior to everyone around you, extremely embarrassed and even provoke feelings of self-loathing. It's a whole different level than acne because acne, while annoying and unsightly at the time, does not usually linger as long as those scars can. To get past acne only to be left with evidence of its stay can be MISERABLE. In some cases scars can be reduced and even eliminated, but suppose they don't go away ever? Suppose you’re stuck with them for the rest of your life? At that thought, you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach of hopelessness and humiliation. What will people think? What are you going to do?

 

We live in a world where appearance is everything, and perfection is sought more than ever before. We are bombarded with images of people – on posters, in movies, on magazine covers – with wonderfully flawless, smooth skin, and the physical traits that we want, whether it’s straight, white teeth, beautiful hair, or that perfect frame. They tell us indirectly, “This is how you should look. If you looked as good as I do, you would be happy.” When we compare ourselves and want to look a certain way we are not, it’s easy to get discouraged, and can drive ourselves almost to insanity when we can’t change ourselves. We start asking,

 

“Why am I the way I am? Why can’t I look better…more attractive…more perfect…more like so-and-so? WHY? IT’S NOT FAIR.”

 

So. Why do we have to face problems with bodies we want to be different? Is acne and acne scars a punishment we don’t deserve? Are we entitled to more? Shouldn’t we get more when we are nice people and treat others well? If I’m a good person and I’ve never done anything really bad, I shouldn’t have to deal with these kinds of problems, right? There can’t be more to life than that…or can there? Is it possible that there is more to life than how you look, or even how you act? Am I worth anything?

 

We have problems in this world because of we live in a world that is fallen. That means it is not perfect. There are many obvious things wrong with this world: the issues of pain and suffering, sadness, death, wrong prevailing over right. Some issues aren’t so obvious, like how all of us have internal problems with our emotions and struggles that can bring us to rock-bottom. Everything is messed up and broken underneath; that’s the problem.

 

Truth is, we aren’t perfect either. We are all fallen. Everyone at some point has made a mistake, and it only takes one to disqualify you from being perfect. If you look at a woman with lust in your heart, it’s the same as committing adultery. If you hate your brother, it’s the same as murder in your heart. Everyone is in the same boat, and we are on a crash course. It only takes one sin to make you guilty in the eyes of God, and “All have sinned, and fallen short of the glory of God.”

Where do we find hope, when there seems to be none? Where do we find our worth, if we are worth anything? Is there a light in the darkness of life?

 

There was somebody who came to here as a light to the world because of you, and he thought you were worth something. He didn’t judge based on what you look like, or the quality of skin you have; he knew you were special. His name is Jesus, and he loved you and knew you before you were even born. He wants you to go to Heaven to be with him forever, but Heaven is a completely perfect place and you have to be perfect to go there – as good and righteous as God himself. But because he loves you so much, he willingly died a terrible death on a cross to pay for everything you’ve done wrong, big or small.

 

And he said that if you would believe that he did it for you, he would give you the gift of eternal life and you will go to Heaven because of what he did for you. It’s not because of how you behave or what you do: it’s entirely free and he says “I give them [those that believe] eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.”

 

And, “The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” If you accept that gift, you will go straight to heaven when you die.

 

If anyone here decides to make a decision for Jesus, PM me and I will walk you through it.

 

We have one last word from Him. “The LORD doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

 

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”"