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Update On Scars; Crying & Feeling Disfigured

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I have made some posts here last year about my acne scars. I showed pictures of my bare face and pictures where the lighting accentuated my acne. I spoke of seeing a dermatologist and having a treatment set in place. Then I vanished.

Well, I went through a lot of life changes, quit one job out of my two, became unbearably broke, picked up another shitty job, became depressed/overworked/stressed and decided to move my entire life to New Jersey. My skin and treatment have all but gone out the window and now have to start all over with a new dermatologist.

Anyway, my life has been so much better since I moved and I am happy---sort of. I hate that about acne. How you can't even be ALL-THE-WAY happy. How many times have I been laughing, full of optimism and then casually turned and caught a glimpse in the mirror and my smile just gets instantly wiped off my face and I remain unenthusiastic and weary the rest of the day.

My skin has the kind of scarring where in some lighting it looks non-existent, but as soon as you get me in harsh lighting (overcast daylight, direct sunlight, overhead florescent, etc) or basically anything that isn't freaking CANDLELIGHT, I look disfigured. I actually feel I look disfigured.

It's driving me absolutely insane. I am 23 and want to have a boyfriend and a LIFE, but I can't. You know why? Because I cannot mentally handle having a boyfriend or anything of that nature without first getting my skin to a place where I am comfortable it looks good enough. And getting my skin to that point is taking years---will probably take more years. It's CUTTING huge chunks out of my YOUTH.

My skin looks awful. I know people are not all nasty and shallow---but come on. Even I have a hard time really looking at my skin without wanting to look away. No one wants to have a girlfriend, friend or coworker who has a marred, damaged face. It's uncomfortable. I desperately try to ignore it or overlook it or live with it, but I can't. Today I can't. I try SO hard to make sure my hair is nice, my makeup is nice, my clothes are nice, my nails, be clean, well-groomed, make sure I decorate and surround myself with pretty things, all to make up for my skin. It's like an apology, like "Sorry you have to look at my disgusting skin, at least the rest of me is okay, right?". It's humilating. There's no sugarcoating. I actually hate myself, just because of this fucking shit.

I am finding a new dermatologist soon. I really don't have much hope, but for now the ATTEMPT to do something gives me a little boost. For now.

Here's why I can feel pretty one minute and the next feel like I got punched in the face with reality:

First pic is my skin out of direct lighting.

Second is me taking ONE step forward so I am directly under the light.

Seriously, FML.

post-167678-0-65534600-1361956728_thumb.

post-167678-0-10040700-1361956750_thumb.

post-167678-0-65534600-1361956728_thumb.

post-167678-0-10040700-1361956750_thumb.

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While dermarolling sounds absolutely terrifying to me, I am allowing myself to research it, after reading the article pinned at the top of the scar forum. I found dermatology places in my area that do it, because I am NOT attemping to take that into my own hands and further wreak havoc.

Besides peels or laser (which I won't do) and Retin-A Micro...what else should I bother looking at that MIGHT have some impact on my skin?

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I've been looking into rosehip oil, i've read that it works like a natural version of retin a, albeit slower but much less irritating and no face dandruff cheer.gif

normally its the kind of thing i'd shrug off as a gimmick but seeing this girls results from how severe her acne was to how non existant her scarring is now is really inspiring -

before:

after:

I know how blinding insecurity can be because it is so hard to see past our flaws, but you really are a beautiful girl and your scarring is really shallow so it will be very easily treated, you will feel beautiful again one day, dont give up comfort.gif

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Meh, you'll be alright. <- That's not me trivializing your problem but come on, you look like one of the singers from The Corrs or something. The scarring is there though but so what? You're still beautiful. shrug.gif It doesn't look terrible to me in the first place... It's some scarring. So what? I actually think it's kind of sexy. saywhat.gif

You say people aren't all nasty and shallow but then say that they don't want to have anyone as a friend who has scarring because they feel it is uncomfortable...with which you kind of contradict that first statement; if you ask me you sooner need to be worried about attracting people to your life who only want to be your friend because you are attractive than that you need to worry about people shunning you because of your imperfect skin.

You are incredibly attractive. neutral.gif

Btw, your shawl gets a 10 out of 10 from me. tongue.png

Anyway, I used to feel the way you do... You say that it's cutting parts of your youth and that's what it's been like for me too (I'm 32). A long time I was a mess mentally because of my scar. I also have one area of my face which texturally maybe isn't what you'd like it to be. But you know...something like that has way less of an impact on your social life that you might feel/think/assume. But it can be hard to relax and give people the benefit of the doubt when you're dealing with accepting something like facial scarring. But heed these words; what you think is the case really isn't. Don't hold yourself back. Give people the benefit of the doubt and just allow (nice!) people into your life... You'll find that for a large part you're just driving yourself mad. And that you can live the life you want to live if you only let go of your fears.

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It really isn't so bad. Harsh lighting like that brings out the worst in everyone's skin.

I've seen a couple of youtube diaries of people who have had very deep chemical peels (Phenol). These seem to basically just strip your skin off so it is allowed to grow back from scratch. It is quite painful, and takes at least a month to recover, but the results are usually excellent.

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I just read some of your older posts where you describe some of the things you ran into out there and I was just appalled; some people really are insane. I can't believe how mean some people are... It really pisses me off. neutral.gif *sighs* I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that.

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Uh, dude... you're absolutely gorgeous. I WISH my skin looked like that.

Honestly I think you have body dysmorphia, just like myself and many more... You have to get yourself into a place where you have a realistic view of how you look. Thinking that you look disfigured and not living your life because of it (when in reality you just have slightly less-than-perfect skin) is basically the first step on a long lonely road toward nothing. It was what created serious mental issues in me and lead to my eating disorder.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't continue with your derm, do peels, work on your skin, etc. But work on your mind first.

edit-- after reading Lapis post I also looked at your other posts out of curiosity, and I have to say, some of the people in your life are seriously abusive. What your stepdad and mom said to you is not okay. It isn't surprising you're having such emotional issues after being around people like that. I know it's hard, but try to move away from anyone who doesn't treat you right. I imagine if you were around people who loved you and thought you were beautiful every day, you'd feel a lot better.

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awe i can totally feel your pain! i feel the same way a lot of the time. i have some decent scarring on my chin and just as i was about to get treatment on it, i got the worst cystic acne of my life. a lot of the acne i have now is where my scars are so that has been the most difficult to deal with because that area was already bad. i can honestly say there have been so many times lately where i just wanted to die but i have been praying a lot and it has helped me so much. i am no longer looking at things the way i was before and my mood has really changed. i am also working out a lot more too which helps to deal with the anxiousness i get sometimes. i am hoping that once my acne clears up i can start to get the treatments but everyday i just keep reminding myself that how i look now is not how i am going to look forever that its just for a short time. you will get through this rough patch and then once you start to get treatments and see some results you are going to feel so much better about yourself but also please know that you really are so pretty and the scarring doesnt take that away. if i saw you on the street i would notice your eyes and smile first before anything. have you ever thought about a deeper peel? i was thinking about doing one sometime in the next few years.

also just a note i stopped carrying a mirror with me at all times and i no longer look at myself in harsh lighting. when i go out anywhere i dont even go near a mirror at all and i notice the less i look at myself the better i feel.

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I've been looking into rosehip oil, i've read that it works like a natural version of retin a, albeit slower but much less irritating and no face dandruff cheer.gif

normally its the kind of thing i'd shrug off as a gimmick but seeing this girls results from how severe her acne was to how non existant her scarring is now is really inspiring -

before:

after:

I know how blinding insecurity can be because it is so hard to see past our flaws, but you really are a beautiful girl and your scarring is really shallow so it will be very easily treated, you will feel beautiful again one day, dont give up comfort.gif

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This was very very interesting. I am going to pick up some Rose Hip Oil tomorrow, it can't hurt anyway.....

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rosehip oil won't do shit. Look into dermapen

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You are a really beautiful girl! Stay strong! Things will always improve as time goes on~

I suggest looking into Fraxel: Repair if you haven't, it's the best for improving acne scarring as of now~

One tip for covering scars is to apply primer AFTER foundation. Apply primer first as usual, then apply foundation and it will even out the colour, and then by applying primer on top will fill in and smooth out the surface of the skin! Just make sure not to rub the top layer of primer as it will take off the foundation, try to smooth it on the skin to create a smooth even surface,

I have a few ice pick scar on my nose from pimples, and I do this method every time I apply make up, I just dab primer on those "holes" and it improves the look by at least 90%+

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hey helton sorry to bug you but what type of primer do you use? i have some ice pick scars on my chin (among other scars) and havent found a good way to cover those suckers up. i currently use dermablend smooth indulgence concealer but have never used a primer before besides makeup forever but i returned it for some reason i cant remember now.

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You're very pretty. Look into Dermarolling for those scars. You can even do it yourself at home with the right tools and technique. Just make sure to research beforehand. I think it can really help improve your condition.

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I feel the same as you on some days, other days I tell myself who cares, I don't have to look perfect for others and I have a family already since I am older so I'm not on the market or anything. I've done a lot of needling, and I actually don't think you would see dramatic improvement in the near future for your scars. Maybe after a few years it would be more visible, but the thing about needling with a dermaroller or dermapen or even single needles is it is such a small injury your scar tissue will heal back quickly and at first you will seem some adema (inflammation) that makes it look good but then slowly it will go back to normal. Now, maybe after three months you will get a little extra collagen stimulation, so you keep repeating the process your scars make look plumped but it isn't always going to be that much better. With lasers you have a longer period of adema and depending on the laser you might get rid of more of the layers of skin which means your skin will have to heal on a larger scale. Lasers can have so many side effects so I agree they are not the greatest option.

I did have doctor tell me a phenol peel may work well. The phenol peels today are not all exactly like the phenol peels of the past. They can be dangerous, but in the right hands, it might really work well on. They hit deeper in the skin and would require a lot of downtime for healing. Other options are silicone microdroplet which will take many sessions, but might work good. I have had a few sessions but would need a lot more for my scars. Just not sure I want to risk the side effects, but it definitely works for some people.

Don't give up, but don't let this get you down like it has, in the end people have to love us for what's inside, and it is just us letting our low self esteem keep people at arms length.

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You are very attractive :)

The scarring is noticable, but you can fix it and that's important :)

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you really are a beautiful girl

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I think we do, to some degree. I'm not more likely to think a person is beautiful just because I have acne. In general, I tend to be attracted to people who are impossibly-perfect, so yeah. My opinion means more than someone who has no standards, lol.

I see what she's talking about with her skin, but I don't even think I would notice it unless I was standing an inch from her face, and even then it doesn't look bad. You can see my cysts and red marks from across the room in dim lighting, that's how bad they are. I would love to have skin like hers. Not to mention the pretty hair.

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Yeah, but we do not represent the real world.

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please please please stay away from dermatologists, they are nothing but trouble and their treatment medication they give you whether it be topical solutions or pills will only mask your acne problems. I havent had acne for a while now, mostly during my pubescent years however,I frequent here time to time to offer advice with what has benefited me in the past. I would recommend giving coconut oil a shot. Must be natural, virgin coconut oil, however if you try this, go easy on it and see how your skin reacts because I've read it is comodogenic for some. I use it as a tanning oil and love it, plus its got great skin healing properties with the likes of alpha hydroxy acid and vitamin E, Much better solution than that crappy shit those conventional 'skin experts' would offer you.

I know acne is tough, but you are pretty girl and if you treat your skin with respect, it will surely improve.

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You are beautiful! I have loads of post-inflammatory hyper-pigmentation, so while there is no real physical disfigurement, there is lots of cosmetic discoloring. And since I'm a guy in Alabama, I can't wear concealer. You are by far your harshest critic, and I can assure you that no one is, or should be, off-put by something that affects almost everyone. Always remember it is better to have scarring and be happy than to let it bring you down. God, that was all pretty corny, but you seriously are beautiful.

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You look great! Nobody is going to scrutinize your skin as much as you do, so don't waste your time focusing on what you don't like about your skin. Try to focus on ways to improve it, but also live your life you have a lot going for you.

As for things to try for your skin, have you tried MSM cream? I ordered MRM's MSM cream which is supposed to be good for acne and scars, but I haven't tried it yet. If you search this forum, some people reported that they have had success with it topically.

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I think you are very beautiful! Really you are! Have you thought of laser

(fraxel)? My aunt has done it and it worked wonders!

SORRY you said you would not want to do it... i just want to say that it worked best on my aunt's deep scars... sorry once again...

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