wow that is the exact same as me:
"have never had acne before until 6 months ago and the past 6 months have also been the most depressive/stressful/sorrowful time of my life - worse than teenaged years" except extend that to like 9 months
the stress connection like...stresses me out. haha. it's something that is more holistic and challenging to tackle than even lifestyle stuff. Like i'm fullblown in healing my emotions right now. I cry over stuff that happened 5 years ago often. Or I feel really mad about it. But its the only way to heal, cuz I didn't heal from it at the time. "You can't heal what you can't feel" is a corny quote I read in a book my counselor gave me. seriously, therapy is really hard but I think its crucial for what i'm going thru right now. I actually have it tomorrow morning.
honestly, the best thing I can say is just go THROUGH it. like feel all the feelings. because then they will GO. if you run from them (cuz its really hard to go through something 5 or 10x harder than you've ever faced and its tempting to want to numb/dissasociate) it will do no good. Like I mentioned, I feel intense pangs of anxiety throughout the day (which I never previously experienced) and in the beginning I would mentally "run from them". I would avoid anything that triggered them or do anything to remedy them. Typically it involved mild ocd rituals to mitigate the feeling, but this is very a. boring and b. isolating. so anyway w/o getting too in depth i try my best to not give into whatever behavior will help me dissasociate from the feeling, and just feel the anxiety/pain in its whole. Then I noticed that I actually start to make progress, which is really awesome. The only way out is through I guess. But yeah if you feel those feelings, they will then be released. It hurts and it's not fun but it's actually the most natural and logical for me.
I was very lucky in most ways growing up, and staying cemented in academics and being a serious athlete always kept me "grounded" if potentially overly perfectionistic. my parents split up before I was born, but my mom is very loving and did literally everything for me. My dad and I were close but I only saw him on the weekends. He also struggles with anxiety and depression, and I think I resemble him in personality more than my mom. Him and I have had conflict tho, bad at times (fighting), which I know has affected me. In college I got into a relationship with an older guy (10 years older) who was actually my teacher. Well he was the teaching assistant (TA, working toward his PhD) for this amazing philosophy class I took my junior year. He pursued me but I had a momentous crush on him---too much of a crush, you know the unhealthy kind. Well I found out pretty quickly into dating that he was kind of a creep and an asshole, and a very negative and critical person. I pulled back in the beginning and he started treating me really badly. Then I floundered and felt I was losing him, so I abandoned all my intuition telling me it was a bad situation and sacrificed everything and anything to make the relationship work, as he continued to ignore and humiliate me verbally and socially. he would invite me over, only once or twice a week, and then make it sound like it was going to be just him there, but when I arrived several friends would be there and he would essentially act like he barely knew me or sort of belittle or very visibly ignore me in front of them. It was very cruel and I had never experienced anything that bad before. He was meaner than the cattiest girl in high school, really.
This probably reflects some "dad" issues with him being so much older and what not. He was such a jerk tho, criticizing what I ate, wore, my friends, my opinions, my family, constantly ditching me or giving me the silent treatment or even yelling at me and having angry panic attacks directed at me anytime I brought up anything having to do with feelings. It made me have very negative associations about even talking about feelings, which I'm trying to undo now. it was so painful. I had had a string of like 7 or 8 really nice, well adjusted boyfriends from loving families before him. I had broken up with all of them; I never felt challenged and I wanted to date a "really smart" guy. Maybe its my relationship karma for breaking previous hearts. my aunt and uncle told me I would get karma someday for it, and I guess in some f'd up way they were right.
I went from being very confident with guys to being so intensely insecure, even bounds beyond my weakest years as a teen. it was so ugly. I could barely even talk to people and i completely lost all the things that made me who I was. I stopped exercising, I stopped reading challenging intellectual material, I stopped hanging out with my friends cuz I got panic attacks around them, I stopped being close to family and acted out towards them. I started criticizing everyone and mostly myself, and developing all these close minded, bitchy opinions who weren't me at all, but just cuz I was trying to cover up all the wounds inside. Basically it was just like a major crash and I got ptsd, I still have sypmtoms of it now; sometimes I will shake and obviously panic attacks. The whole situation really made me re-evaluate the basis of self esteem and who I am. Apparently my self esteem wasn't as strong as I thought it was if all it took was one terrible ass hole boyfriend and a few crazy roommates to completely unhinge me and send me into an intense spiral of self hate and shame. So i'm working on that lol.
Oh yeah at the time that I started dating the ass hole, I was living with 9 girls who were pretty intense ppl although I had gotten along with everyone all year long and made sure to not get involved in all the gossip/vitriol that went on between some of them throughout the year. Well when I wanted to move out early they all flipped shit on me and basically attacked me emotionally. One of the weirdest girls, who sat in her room all day everyday with her boyfriend, smoked pot, did nothing else and I didn't even know prior to moving in together... told me I was a huge thoughtless bitch, super selfish, and really "hard to like". it all stung bad, but that last one stung like a bitch. I guess I just had never had anyone look me in the eyes and say I really fucking hate you. sure I'd had ppl be jerks, but this was a whole new level. This was right around the time my boyfriend (the asshole) told me I was a selfish bitch in a letter, after I had literally done nothing except try to stick up for myself when he treated me like shit. He was actually insane (he admitted to me that he was crazy and needed therapy), and I basically worshipped him, so this was a terrible combination. Maybe I WAS a little bit selfish before, but it kept me happy, healthy, and loving towards my friends and family. In our society, as a woman, you're either too insecure or too confident, too selfish or too selfless (giving too much). you can't fucking win. That girl was not even one of my friends, and I was very loyal and generous to my friends and family whereas I kept my distance from ppl like her who I perceived to be toxic. nevertheless, the words ate me alive inside and triggered all my own issues to erupt, anxiety, depression, and susceptibliity to deeply low self esteem. sometimes I think my biggest weakness is my minds ability and imagination. I have been told my whole life I am smart, I skipped a grade, took all ap classes, got straight a's, easily got into college...but when all this "intellect" turns on how much I hate myself, because someone didn't accept me or criticized me, I will obliterate everything I've ever done and sink my self esteem as low as it can go.
Writing all that was really therapeutic for me and I also think it's extremely weird that I wrote it at all but I'm posting this cuz it is really helping me heal. If you didn't even read it, no worries, we can move on and continue talking about super fun zits.
Edited by kelseylee, 01 May 2013 - 02:12 AM.