28 replies to this topic

[naturalog]

This may sound weird, but are your parents asian by chance? Because they sound like my overbearing asian parents (not saying only asian parents are overbearing!). I am also in my early 20s, unemployed and living with my parents. When i talk to my white friends, they're always implying how spoiled i am for living rent free with my parents, but all my asian friends have or still live with their parents. Honestly, its just a difference in culture. I also run into many difficulties living back at home and feel guilty because yes they provide a roof over my head and they are still my parents. Also, because of the language and cultural barrier, we cannot communicate in the way i wish we could (not that parents and children ever communicate very well). I can totally see my parents controlling what i eat, what i wear and how i conduct my life. The difference btwn my parents and yours is that my parents are just as anal about my skin as i am. I catch my mom staring at my skin while im sleeping, my parents always check up to see if im following my regimen to the T, my mom has started cooking healthier for me (well for all of us), and theyve even gotten a water ionizer...they always say things like "oh you were so pretty once, what happened!" i just laugh haha. I think theyre just as upset as i am about my acne. 

 

A tip for the food, try cooking meals for your entire family! Maybe then you can eat what you want and they might appreciate the fact that youre chipping in! About the nagging about finding a job..well they are parents and parents will nag. My mom still nags at my 30 year old brother even though he has a successful job and is almost wifey-ed up! And i see my grandma nag at my mom so i guess the nagging never disappears. A) lie that you are in the middle of searching for a job to get them off your back B) try to find the confidence to actually go look for a job C) try to find the confidence to go out more (even a small cafe perhaps where there arent a lot of people) D) find a healthier outlet for your anger. Fighting with your parents is just going to stress you out more, and we all know what stress does to your skin. Things that helped me: pot, reading, volunteering, and tutoring. 

 

Good luck!

[drewfish01]

dejaclairevoyant

 

I appreciate your very good and thorough response.

 

 

Some things i want to mention.  

 

 

 

I would have thought you knew i live in the usa judging from what i mentioned here.  Im from new york city.   You mention how you say you don't believe any of my friends cannot find jobs for 8 months.  My friend all have business degrees from university just like me.  A few of them have finance job before and got laid off.  I agree obviously they are not looking for a job outside their field.  I had a friend that actually got laid off his banking job and now is a police officer.  These are also very smart friends i have so the they don't know how to find a job process... what you say here are completely wrong.  A few of them work in banks for few years.

 

 

I mean if you tell my friend forget about looking for another job in the business field that pays 40k in the city and just look for a job that pays 10-15k... what do you think they will say you to?  

 

 

When i said cities are different for cost, i did'nt mean new york and LA.  I meant like new york and wisconsin.

 

 

I have had a very bad experience with roommates that I don't know.  I have done this many years ago.  One guy i spoke to was a guy that seemed pretty cool so i thought we could get a place.  We had the same hobbies etc It seemed like we hit it off.  Then i dont know what happened.  This guy starting acting crazy and sending me chilling phone messages.  Calls me on the phone and then once i try to pick up he intentionally closes the phone.  I honestly didn't know what was happening with him and then I had to delete his number and block him because he started scaring me so much.  Then there was another person who wanted to room with me back a few years ago.  Things clicked at first but then i decided against it b/c it was bit frustrating.  I was a day person, he was a night person.  

 

 

You mention you would say no if your parents tell you you must eat with them and the food is allergic.  I have done the same thing it doesn't work.  Also, yes i'm either Indian or Asian.   I see one Indian person here and one asian person here that mentioned i must have indian or asian parents.  I see how they understand it.  I will also assume you are probably caucasian.

 

 

You say how are they forcing me to eat food that will cause me to break out?  I tell you why.  They say its a tradition to eat with the family for our holidays and we have to eat these certain food as the tradition.  So you can't really say no.  Its like this.  Imagine your family said you have to eat christmas dinner with your family but your acne has gotten so severe and everything they made is not healthy and you dont want to eat, you going to say no?

[dejaclairevoyant]

dejaclairevoyant

 

I appreciate your very good and thorough response.

 

 

Some things i want to mention.  

 

 

 

I would have thought you knew i live in the usa judging from what i mentioned here.  Im from new york city.   You mention how you say you don't believe any of my friends cannot find jobs for 8 months.  My friend all have business degrees from university just like me.  A few of them have finance job before and got laid off.  I agree obviously they are not looking for a job outside their field.  I had a friend that actually got laid off his banking job and now is a police officer.  These are also very smart friends i have so the they don't know how to find a job process... what you say here are completely wrong.  A few of them work in banks for few years.

Sorry I missed where you said that you live in New York. It is indeed expensive to live there, but can't you find cheaper places that are nearby? My friends used to live in Jersey and it was kind of expensive but nowhere near as much as NYC and they were able to make it work. When I was describing your friends I said they either didn't know how to get a job OR they weren't looking for outside their field. The fact is, people needs jobs. If they can't find one in their field, they need to find one doing something else. I'm not sure the point you're making here. We all have to find jobs.

I mean if you tell my friend forget about looking for another job in the business field that pays 40k in the city and just look for a job that pays 10-15k... what do you think they will say you to?  

It doesn't matter what they say to me. They can either find a job, or not. I think most people would love to have a 40k job. But if we can't find one, we aren't going to turn down 15k jobs and then complain that there are no jobs. I would take a minimum wage job over nothing at all.

I have had a very bad experience with roommates that I don't know.  I have done this many years ago.  One guy i spoke to was a guy that seemed pretty cool so i thought we could get a place.  We had the same hobbies etc It seemed like we hit it off.  Then i dont know what happened.  This guy starting acting crazy and sending me chilling phone messages.  Calls me on the phone and then once i try to pick up he intentionally closes the phone.  I honestly didn't know what was happening with him and then I had to delete his number and block him because he started scaring me so much.  Then there was another person who wanted to room with me back a few years ago.  Things clicked at first but then i decided against it b/c it was bit frustrating.  I was a day person, he was a night person.  

 

It's not easy living with another person. There will always be issues. But there are issues living with your parents too. You can let a few bad experiences stop you from trying again, but you're only limiting yourself.

 

You mention you would say no if your parents tell you you must eat with them and the food is allergic.  I have done the same thing it doesn't work.  Also, yes i'm either Indian or Asian.   I see one Indian person here and one asian person here that mentioned i must have indian or asian parents.  I see how they understand it.  I will also assume you are probably caucasian.

 

I'm part white and part Mexican.

 

You say how are they forcing me to eat food that will cause me to break out?  I tell you why.  They say its a tradition to eat with the family for our holidays and we have to eat these certain food as the tradition.  So you can't really say no.  Its like this.  Imagine your family said you have to eat christmas dinner with your family but your acne has gotten so severe and everything they made is not healthy and you dont want to eat, you going to say no?

I don't know what to say, dude. You seem to have an answer for everything, so I'm not going to bother trying to help any more. I'm not sure why you posted this thread if you didn't want suggestions. It doesn't matter what culture you come from, it's up to you to stand up to your parents if they try to force you to eat something you don't want to. I've not eaten Christmas dinner with my family a number of times because of my food allergies. OR, as another poster suggested, I've cooked dinner for all of them. I've also made my own food and sat at the table while they ate theirs. There are a number of solutions but you don't want to hear any of them, it seems. So once again... I'm not sure why you posted this thread if you don't want to change anything.

 

Your problem seems to be that you can't stand up for yourself to your family and unfortunately, none of us can help you with that. You have to just do it, and not care if they get mad at you. Or, accept things how they are.

 

Good luck. <3

[drewfish01]

Living in new jersey is completely different from new york.  There is no public transportation like nyc.  

 

 

None of my friends who got laid off would take a 10k-15k job when they have a degree...

 

 

You mention you didn't eat christmas dinner with your parents b/c of your allergies.  Did they get upset?  I bet they didn't even get that upset since they understand you.  And yes i figure you weren't Indian nor Asian.  Anyone that is Indian or Asian probably gets what we go through.

[warszawa]

What are you even here for? You aren't willing to listen to what anyone else has to say.  Everyone has been helpful and polite, but you have nothing but unfounded arguments, and excuses to stay inside and behave like an angsty teenager.  What if you didn't have your parents to depend on?

All the advice already given is valid.  Move to another state, take a job in a lesser field, do something.  There are infinite opportunites.  If you start behaving like a grown man, employers will begin to see you as such.

[John96]

I'm 16 years old and you sound a lot like how i sounded a few years back. I think you've got to realize that a lot of people without acne don't know how stressed/depressed people with this "condition" can get and how serious they take having it.

 

i don't get along with my parents, but a simple solution was to put a lock on my door and buy my own food. I mean that way i have my own privacy when i'm stressed and don't want to be around people. I'm living in their house so i don't really have a choice but to back down and respect them to a certain extent. I just think maybe you should stop worrying about what your parents are doing and focus on yourself and getting clear. I know you've said you're trying to do that but they keep interfering, so maybe have a chat with them and ask if a few changes can be made. 

 

I always used to say " i will start taking my studies serious once i'm clear and happy" That day is yet to come, and that is probably why my grammar sucks

Edited by John96, 17 February 2013 - 10:38 PM.

[Sum1killme]

Your parents have probably gotten used to seeing you with acne that they probablly dont even realize how much this shit pounds with pain from within you. I understand you dude I work and go to college and each day is motherfucking struggle just to leave the front door, I constantly think of just saying fuck this shit and dropping out and quiting work and go live under a bridge for the rest of life. I can't stand being around stupid ass immature people, which nowadays seems to be everybody around the fucking corner, they make me want to pound my face through a brick wall.

[ledzep]

I have a lot of sympathy for the OP in this thread and I think some of the replies haven't really tried to explore the OP's psychological state of mind at all, which seems to be the key issue to his present situation. It is extremely simplistic to ask the OP to simply accept 'adult' responsibilities and move out/ get his own apartment if he is struggling with psychological issues that are preventing him from doing so. Judging by the OP's responses, it's obvious he is extremely anxious about the state of his skin and this is having a negative impact on his life choices. OP, I would suggest that you seek out advice from a counselor/ psychotherapist who might be able to help you get to the key issue of the anxiety that you are currently feeling. I do recognise that acne has played a large role in determining the way you are feeling right now, but it also sounds like those original feelings about your skin have evolved into something that might be more akin to depression/ onset anxiety and if that is the case then that can be treated with SSRI's and psychotherapy

 

This forum is one of support and we should all try and remember that acne is a complex phenomenon that can influence a person's life beyond physical boundaries and It is not constructive to offer advice in terms of crude absolutes such as 'you need to move out now' etc. 

Edited by ledzep, 22 February 2013 - 04:22 AM.

[dejaclairevoyant]

No one said he has to move out now. I said he has to move out OR accept his current situation for what it is.